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< X-Bar

dannyboy

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Can we be raw for a minute, here? Life is fucking hard, man. If I don't put forward the amount of effort society deems necessary, then society scolds me. And rightfully so. Those who work hard deliver results. We can fight about it all we want; we can bitch about how much society demands from us as humans, but we know the truth. It's not that we are lazy--I'm not sure I believe in lazy--it's that we don't have a strong enough "why". Meaning is such a powerful concept that I lost along the way, or maybe I didn't have it to begin with.

 

So, you're wondering: who the hell is this dude and why do I care? Well, you probably don't care, and I support your decision to not care, because this is 80% for me and 20% for someone else--whomever that may be. Anywho, my name is Dan, and I'm a recent graduate from Trent University in Peterborough, Ontario with a Bachelor of Science Honours in Computing Systems (Software Engineering). My cGPA was ~2.97. First year was a 3.5, and it tumbled year over year until graduation day. I don't know why it tumbled. Maybe I didn't love the courses or the teachers or the homework? Or, maybe I had no reason to perform better? Maybe I had no why? Yes, I suspect my lack of motivation was a combination of disorientation and an absent overarching reason to be there. It was like that in high school, where my average was 66%!

 

The point of these posts is to give me a space for self-reflection and expression. It's also to call myself out on some things, though. I titled this post "< X-bar", because I truly believe that, at the present moment, I am performing less than average. By average, I mean the performance of an average student admitted to medical school. High standards to live up to, but I'm tired of being this person that I am, and this blog is my "coming out"--so to speak--to you, world. This blog is me saying "I have not lived up to society's and my own expectations. I have not failed, but I have not succeeded." These posts are also a plea to you, world, to hold me accountable, to give me strength, and to call me out when I have taken more than I have given. The greatest doctors, I must assume, are also some of the greatest givers.

 

The seed of wanting to become a doctor was planted in me long ago. Well over 10 years ago, when I was in high school. But, I was not serious back then, and I was not mature in the ways I ought to have been. After high school, I tried college 5+ times--dropping out each time. I burned 10s of thousands of dollars on a fruitless pursuit. To this day, it is my largest regret. Perhaps I will forgive myself for these actions some day; perhaps not. To add jet fuel to the fire, I jumped from job to job, burning bridges as I went. I quit jobs without notice--I simply didn't show up one day--and I quit the military 2 weeks into basic training because it was too hard. I told my section sergeant it was for moral reasons, which at the time I felt it was, but looking back, it's clear I quit because that's what I do when things get hard.

 

Then, I met my girlfriend (now fiance), who pushed me to do well in first year of university. I am so thankful for this. This was the greatest thing that could have happened to me, but I retreated back to my comfortable zone of slacking by, and I don't blame her for not being on my ass all the way through university, because that's on me. I was the student. Not her. Still, she's an amazing person, and if something terrible were to happen or the love were to fizzle, I doubt I would pursue love again. I told that to a counselor once, and he didn't believe me. Ah, well.

 

I think that's all I have to say for now. You know who I am and where I've been. This post was a background and introduction, and I welcome all comments--not just the good ones. If you want to say "Dan, you sound like a low life piece of shit, and you will never become a doctor, because there are people out there far better than you...", then I accept that. I thank you for your openness and expression and wish peace and goodness upon you. I also accept positive posts or shared stories of your own. Silence is also accepted, for it's unlikely anyone will even read this.

 

Until next time.

 

-Dan



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I've read this. Even though it's been well over a year. Just wanted to let you know: it's your past that has made you who you are today. Who cares what you did yesterday, today's a new day and "you will never become a doctor" is just 6 words. I believe in you - not sure what you're up to these days, but hope it's something you're passionate about or something that is working to get you to that ultimate goal of a doctor.

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Hello Dan,

In life, there will always be ups and downs. It is SO important for you to find your true "why". When you go through a period that is a low point, your "why" is what will allow you to pull through. Your "why" is what will motivate you to get up at early hours to go to school, stay at the library for countless hours, and cause you to lose sleep at night. It has to be something that is meaningful and brings out strong feelings within yourself. You should dream about your final goal and feel the drive within yourself to make it your reality. When your "why" is powerful, you can't be stopped. Maybe your path isn't medical school, maybe it is. Reguardless of your path, if you want it bad enough, you will make it happen. I 100% believe that. Now the question is, Dan, how bad do YOU want it? How bad do YOU want to get into medical school and become a doctor? Do you just fantasize about the idea of being a doctor? Or do you truly see yourself working long hours in a hospital? If you feel it within yourself, then I will standby you and your word. You can do it. I believe in you. Now Dan, it is your turn to believe in yourself.

 

Take care,

Julia

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On 6/19/2017 at 4:24 PM, Dynamite said:

I've read this. Even though it's been well over a year. Just wanted to let you know: it's your past that has made you who you are today. Who cares what you did yesterday, today's a new day and "you will never become a doctor" is just 6 words. I believe in you - not sure what you're up to these days, but hope it's something you're passionate about or something that is working to get you to that ultimate goal of a doctor.

A few months late, but thank you very much for your post. At the moment, I'm working a job that isn't bringing me closer to becoming a doctor, but the thought is still there, looming. Your kind words mean a lot to this stranger on the other end of the keyboard. :)

On 9/29/2017 at 2:04 AM, Julia P said:

Hello Dan,

In life, there will always be ups and downs. It is SO important for you to find your true "why". When you go through a period that is a low point, your "why" is what will allow you to pull through. Your "why" is what will motivate you to get up at early hours to go to school, stay at the library for countless hours, and cause you to lose sleep at night. It has to be something that is meaningful and brings out strong feelings within yourself. You should dream about your final goal and feel the drive within yourself to make it your reality. When your "why" is powerful, you can't be stopped. Maybe your path isn't medical school, maybe it is. Reguardless of your path, if you want it bad enough, you will make it happen. I 100% believe that. Now the question is, Dan, how bad do YOU want it? How bad do YOU want to get into medical school and become a doctor? Do you just fantasize about the idea of being a doctor? Or do you truly see yourself working long hours in a hospital? If you feel it within yourself, then I will standby you and your word. You can do it. I believe in you. Now Dan, it is your turn to believe in yourself.

 

Take care,

Julia

Hi Julia,

Thank you, really, for your great post. I honestly did not expect anybody to read this, so it's a nice surprise. Ya know, I don't know if I've truly carved out the "why" yet. "To help people" is kind of a weak reason. Many professions help people, so what sets medicine apart? Rereading my journal entry is interesting, because my feelings and thoughts have changed even since then. Who knew we change so much over so little time? I will write another entry and address some of the things you brought up.

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