Relationships And Medical School

[Curiousaboutapps1]

Hello all!

I was wondering how and if people maintain relationships started prior to medical school upon admittance. 

If you have done so, how do you manage things like being long distance and making time for your significant other. 

What's the best way to make sure school stress and a hectic schedule do not destroy personal relationships?

 

 

[Bambi]

Long distance should not result in a breakup of a committed longterm relationship while in med school. Depending upon distance, weekend visits are a possibility but breaks definitely. It all depends upon the maturity of the couple, how they are emotionally supportive to one another and their commitment. It is entirely doable!

[feversugar]

It's definitely hard, especially if the other person is not in the medical field. We make it a point to call each other every day beforehand bed even if it's just to say good night. But I definitely struggle a lot especially when he's telling me about his day and going out with all his friends while all I did was sleep all day post call and eat instant noodles lol.

 

But you have to remind yourself that med school (in my case residency) will end. And that yes there is more effort involved but it is worth it if it's the right partner. Compromise is more important than ever. Learn not to overthink and let things that don't matter go, or else you'll be fighting a lot and getting frustrated. Also try not to overload the time you do have together. Don't schedule things everyday. Take some time to relax and enjoy each other's company.

[feversugar]

Also share your schedules. Not to keep tabs on each other or anything, but just so the other person knows when you're unavailable. For example my bf has my call schedule so he knows when I need to be sleeping and to not disturb me. He knows that if he doesn't hear from me for a bit is cause I'm doing 1 in 2 call, etc. Be transparent. Let each other know when you've had a bad day.

[Bambi]

Yes, it's hard but it also makes for a much stronger relationship. It is very important that the s.o. has other independent interests that can be enjoyed when you are not together. Should the s.o. not be in the medical profession, this can be good so long as he understands your professional priorities and the demands upon your time professionally. Planning meaningful breaks is essential, all the more so as your schedule becomes more hectic. 

[Borborygmi]

I am currently maintaining a long distance relationship and am entering my third year of meds. My spouse is in Ontario, I'm in Calgary. We have been together for 13 years, married for 8. Honestly, it's been very difficult. We originally began with trying a visit every 2-3 months. We soon found out that that length of time was much too long. We visit now once every 4-6 weeks and talk/message on the phone pretty much every day. Enduring the process has changed over time and I can outline how it has changed below. Of course, this is only from the perspective of my own relationship and I'm sure others experience things in different ways.

 

- First moving out to Calgary: the sudden jolt of being apart was a difficult transition for both of us. However, I would say that it was much harder for my spouse because I was moving towards something new and exciting whereas they were staying in the same place, doing the same thing, but with a major life change.

- First year: things improved at first, but then tanked badly in the first winter. Weekends are very short for visits. Just as you settle into being with one another again (usually after 2 days), you are basically pulled/ripped apart again. You get used to this transition in some ways. But then comes the two week winter vacation. You can spend a lot of time together, but being in the same space again with someone else when you're now used to being more independent can be challenging. Then, you have to deal with the transition of being apart again which can feel even worse than the weekend good-bye.

- Second year: much of the same, but a LOT more of being absolutely sick of it. Coming back from this winter vacation felt much worse and was much more difficult than last year because it feels like it's a never ending process. You also start to think about the carms matching process and how that could result in the need to move anywhere in the country once again only to endure the process for another lengthy period of time.

 

To complicate things, the economy in Calgary is absolute garbage and there are no jobs in my spouse's field and certainly not at the level at which they are at in their career. They would have moved out here a long time ago, but the economic landscape hasn't permitted a transition. At this point, coming so close to dealing with the process of carms, it just doesn't make sense for them to continue to try to transition here until we know where I will be in 1.5 years.

We have a very strong and supportive relationship, but I do feel a lot of guilt about the things they have had to deal with for me to pursue medicine (this was a significant career change for me that took about 7 years to fulfill and resulted in a lot of financial stress and stress due to workload and time constraints). While I agree that the strength of our relationship is getting us through this process, I do not agree that all strong relationships can endure. It's also very difficult to deal with serious issues at a distance. It's a lot different working through something together, in the same room, than trying to hash it out with time differences and via text/phone. It's important to have very frank discussions about what pursuing medicine looks like before jumping into things. I know people whose relationships have ended in divorce because a spouse has not supported their desire to pursue medicine.

 

I strongly feel that we will get through this, but it has not been easy in any way. It has also been a distracting stressor when needing to focus on learning. These are all things to take into consideration.

 

Not the rosiest of pictures, but I hope that provides some insight--at least into my own situation.