I know you’re not obligated to help me and tell me anything. I understand you are all busy. Some of you may be in residency and laugh at undergrads who stress, I get it. I can only imagine how annoying it is. But I can’t help it. I want to be a doctor; am I passionate about organic chemistry? Do I love cell biology? No. I honestly don’t; that’s why I don’t want to be a researcher for the rest of my life. Am I the perfect person? No. However, when I was 6 I had to get surgery for a slow growing brain tumour; I took getting needles like a champ before my surgery; the nurse told me that I should be a “poster child for surgery” because I was smiling the whole time, I wasn’t upset or angry at my condition; I was a weirdo who was excited for surgery, I remember my mom crying and the doctor telling her “look she’s not even crying” to which my mother then explained to him that I “didn’t understand what was really going on.” I told her that I did and that all that was going to happen was that I was “getting a bad thing removed”. Then, I asked her why she would be crying about that. I remember the doctor laughing and saying “I think we have a future doctor in the making.” I took those words to heart. In elementary I was the perfect student; took home all of the awards, and recieved straight E’s and A+’s. From grade school I had decided it was my dream to be a doctor, but I get it; who takes a kids dream seriously? It’s just that, a kids dream. Come high school I decided to go into an IB program. It killed me, I realized that I wasn’t as smart as I had once thought I was. High school took its toll on me and with that and other external factors I went into depression. I tried to kill myself because I had thought I was worthless in life. I had the most feeling of hopelessness. I was so suicidal that I jumped in front of a train; with my luck at the time a dispatcher was on site and she sent an emergency signal to shut the power of the station off. But I had to face the consequences of doing such a public act, I ended up getting hospitalized with the accompaniment of police. This was the one time I did not ever want to be in the hospital. I tried to lie and say I was fine. But my actions were too dramatic and I was left on a doctors form, I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital. I ended up missing all my exams due to my hospitalization which honestly just put me in a deeper depression. My depression got worse and I tried to kill myself in hospital which just led to further hospitalization, it was so bad that I spent all of grade 10 in hospital. Until finally, after countless therapy, the right medication and a family forgiving my depression instead of being mad about it; I was released. The psychiatrist knew that I used to want to be a doctor and in our sessions I told him that I had given up and was not good enough for anything (the things depression do), I’ll never forget our last meeting; he told me “next time I see you here you’re going to be wearing a scethescope not a straitjacket okay” (I was often causing code blues). The result of hospitalization led to me having to do an extra year of HIGH SCHOOL. Stressed about catching up and being in my program, I finished grade 12 with an 88; barely scraping my way into university. Now I’m in second year I tried really hard my first year but it was hard to adjust. I ended up with a 77 percent and although it is an 81 with my lowest dropped that is still not nearly competitive enough. It doesn’t seem to be getting easier. I am trying to aim for a 90 percent average because I know anything below means nothing. I study I really do; maybe I don’t do it properly or maybe I just am simply not bright enough. I see others; they understand concepts right away, they’re mean, they’re competitive. They’re perfect. They are the people who medical schools look for; be honest, should I give up on this? Accept myself for who I am and live with that constant disappointment? Or keep pushing even though a 90 percent average is near impossible for me at this point. Dreams and sob stories only mean so much. But I thought I’d share for some honest opinions as this isn’t the stuff you can exactly reveal to medical school as it would just make my chances less likely.