Can we be raw for a minute, here? Life is fucking hard, man. If I don't put forward the amount of effort society deems necessary, then society scolds me. And rightfully so. Those who work hard deliver results. We can fight about it all we want; we can bitch about how much society demands from us as humans, but we know the truth. It's not that we are lazy--I'm not sure I believe in lazy--it's that we don't have a strong enough "why". Meaning is such a powerful concept that I lost along the way, or maybe I didn't have it to begin with.
So, you're wondering: who the hell is this dude and why do I care? Well, you probably don't care, and I support your decision to not care, because this is 80% for me and 20% for someone else--whomever that may be. Anywho, my name is Dan, and I'm a recent graduate from Trent University in Peterborough, Ontario with a Bachelor of Science Honours in Computing Systems (Software Engineering). My cGPA was ~2.97. First year was a 3.5, and it tumbled year over year until graduation day. I don't know why it tumbled. Maybe I didn't love the courses or the teachers or the homework? Or, maybe I had no reason to perform better? Maybe I had no why? Yes, I suspect my lack of motivation was a combination of disorientation and an absent overarching reason to be there. It was like that in high school, where my average was 66%!
The point of these posts is to give me a space for self-reflection and expression. It's also to call myself out on some things, though. I titled this post "< X-bar", because I truly believe that, at the present moment, I am performing less than average. By average, I mean the performance of an average student admitted to medical school. High standards to live up to, but I'm tired of being this person that I am, and this blog is my "coming out"--so to speak--to you, world. This blog is me saying "I have not lived up to society's and my own expectations. I have not failed, but I have not succeeded." These posts are also a plea to you, world, to hold me accountable, to give me strength, and to call me out when I have taken more than I have given. The greatest doctors, I must assume, are also some of the greatest givers.
The seed of wanting to become a doctor was planted in me long ago. Well over 10 years ago, when I was in high school. But, I was not serious back then, and I was not mature in the ways I ought to have been. After high school, I tried college 5+ times--dropping out each time. I burned 10s of thousands of dollars on a fruitless pursuit. To this day, it is my largest regret. Perhaps I will forgive myself for these actions some day; perhaps not. To add jet fuel to the fire, I jumped from job to job, burning bridges as I went. I quit jobs without notice--I simply didn't show up one day--and I quit the military 2 weeks into basic training because it was too hard. I told my section sergeant it was for moral reasons, which at the time I felt it was, but looking back, it's clear I quit because that's what I do when things get hard.
Then, I met my girlfriend (now fiance), who pushed me to do well in first year of university. I am so thankful for this. This was the greatest thing that could have happened to me, but I retreated back to my comfortable zone of slacking by, and I don't blame her for not being on my ass all the way through university, because that's on me. I was the student. Not her. Still, she's an amazing person, and if something terrible were to happen or the love were to fizzle, I doubt I would pursue love again. I told that to a counselor once, and he didn't believe me. Ah, well.
I think that's all I have to say for now. You know who I am and where I've been. This post was a background and introduction, and I welcome all comments--not just the good ones. If you want to say "Dan, you sound like a low life piece of shit, and you will never become a doctor, because there are people out there far better than you...", then I accept that. I thank you for your openness and expression and wish peace and goodness upon you. I also accept positive posts or shared stories of your own. Silence is also accepted, for it's unlikely anyone will even read this.
Until next time.