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Recusitatorwannabe

Please help! (I understand if you don’t feel like reading this though)

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I know you’re not obligated to help me and tell me anything. I understand you are all busy. Some of you may be in residency and laugh at undergrads who stress, I get it. I can only imagine how annoying it is. But I can’t help it. I want to be a doctor; am I passionate about organic chemistry? Do I love cell biology? No. I honestly don’t; that’s why I don’t want to be a researcher for the rest of my life. Am I the perfect person? No. However, when I was 6 I had to get surgery for a slow growing brain tumour; I took getting needles like a champ before my surgery; the nurse told me that I should be a “poster child for surgery” because I was smiling the whole time, I wasn’t upset or angry at my condition; I was a weirdo who was excited for surgery, I remember my mom crying and the doctor telling her “look she’s not even crying” to which my mother then explained to him that I “didn’t understand what was really going on.”  I told her that I did and that all that was going to happen was that I was “getting a bad thing removed”. Then, I asked her why she would be crying about that. I remember the doctor laughing and saying “I think we have a future doctor in the making.” I took those words to heart.  In elementary I was the perfect student; took home all of the awards, and recieved straight E’s and A+’s. From grade school I had decided it was my dream to be a doctor, but I get it; who takes a kids dream seriously? It’s just that, a kids dream. Come high school I decided to go into an IB program. It killed me, I realized that I wasn’t as smart as I had once thought I was. High school took its toll on me and with that and other external factors I went into depression. I tried to kill myself because I had thought I was worthless in life. I had the most feeling of hopelessness. I was so suicidal that I jumped in front of a train; with my luck at the time a dispatcher was on site and she sent an emergency signal to shut the power of the station off. But I had to face the consequences of doing such a public act, I ended up getting hospitalized with the accompaniment of police. This was the one time I did not ever want to be in the hospital. I tried to lie and say I was fine. But my actions were too dramatic and I was left on a doctors form, I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital. I ended up missing all my exams due to my hospitalization which honestly just put me in a deeper depression. My depression got worse and I tried to kill myself in hospital which just led to further hospitalization, it was so bad that I spent all of grade 10 in hospital. Until finally, after countless therapy, the right medication and a family forgiving my depression instead of being mad about it; I was released. The psychiatrist knew that I used to want to be a doctor and in our sessions I told him that I had given up and was not good enough for anything (the things depression do), I’ll never forget our last meeting; he told me “next time I see you here you’re going to be wearing a scethescope not a straitjacket  okay” (I was often causing code blues). The result of hospitalization led to me having to do an extra year of HIGH SCHOOL. Stressed about catching up and being in my program, I finished grade 12 with an 88; barely scraping my way into university. Now I’m in second year I tried really hard my first year but it was hard to adjust. I ended up with a 77 percent and although it is an 81 with my lowest dropped that is still not nearly competitive enough. It doesn’t seem to be getting easier. I am trying to aim for a 90 percent average because I know anything below means nothing. I study I really do; maybe I don’t do it properly or maybe I just am simply not bright enough. I see others; they understand concepts right away, they’re mean, they’re competitive. They’re perfect. They are the people who medical schools look for; be honest, should I give up on this? Accept myself for who I am and live with that constant disappointment? Or keep pushing even though a 90 percent average is near impossible for me at this point. Dreams and sob stories only mean so much. But I thought I’d share for some honest opinions as this isn’t the stuff you can exactly reveal to medical school as it would just make my chances less likely. 

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Thank you for sharing your story. 

It must have taken a lot of courage to post it and I am listening. 

You’ve been through so much and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you right now, but I truly commend your resilience.

The fact that you are here today and able to post your story, shows what a strong and amazing person you are. 

In undergrad, we meet many intelligent, seemingly perfect people; however,  in reality, no one is truly perfect. Everyone has their own anxieties and flaws that they deal with. We think others are perfect because we can’t read what they’re really thinking in their minds. 

My best advice for you is to stop worrying about what others are doing. I know it’s hard,  but please try.

Statistically, medical schools do tend to favor applicants with higher GPAs; however, that’s only one aspect of the application. I know many students who were able to gain entrance with low GPAs by excelling in other parts of their application. Things like the MCAT, extracurriculars, jobs, Casper, volunteer activities, sports , letters of recommendation, and etc., can all make an impact on your application. Medical schools are looking for people who can become good doctors and not people who can just score well on exams.  

I am a medical student and I didn’t have a 90% average in undergrad.

I am definitely not perfect and I have made many mistakes throughout my life. I have anxieties about school and I worry a lot.

However, after talking with many of my classmates, most medical students (and students in general) in fact feel the same way. And that’s okay. 

I also got into medical school quite late —at the age of 28. So don’t worry about having to get to medical school within a certain standardized time frame or age. I understand being delayed one year in grade 10 may seem like a setback, but the path to medicine is different for everyone. Do what is best for you. 

If medicine is truly your dream, definitely do not give up. 

Focus on your strengths and improve your weaknesses. Do things that have meaning for you and things that make you happy. Spend time with the ones you love and take care of your health.

Lastly, please remember to

Give yourself more love.

Give yourself more kindess.

Give yourself more forgiveness.

I will you all the best and please take care.

Feel free to pm if you need to talk.

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17 minutes ago, biochem4 said:

I was feeling what you are feeling right now. Way worse, I think? I am an immigrant in this country. I had no idea what med schools are looking for. I flunk many times as I had a different kind of education. I was going through personal stuff too. But hey I never gave up even if it seemed too late for me.

I persevered and became resilient all throughout. Hence, I was able to know myself better and the uniqueness that I can bring to med school. Also, I never thought highly of myself that is why aside from the unique abilities I have, opportunities just come to me easily. Make yourself indespensible so that people around you would love working with you.

Don’t mind what other applicants are doing. Focus on yourself and your GPA. It is indeed hard, but that’s the only way you would be able to discover that uniqueness in you. It’s like a mystery box that you have to discover as you go through your journey in med school.

I never gave up, so why would you

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Maybe I am too westernized. I apologize I really have tried to better myself I honestly try to be unaffected by other people and am kind to everyone but it’s not in my head when I say that people in my program are mean. (One person tried to erase my name because I signed one lab with a pencil. I have never spoken to that girl in my life and she was going to do that) so it just affects me sometimes and today I forgot to print out a copy of an introduction that we had to submit online and I lost 5 percent for it and a girl behind me in line just laughed and smirked after me and submitted hers and I don’t know if it’s maybe because I appear weak to them but I really am trying to be strong but I also want to be realistic because I might honestly just be not good for anything if this is how I am after all my experiences and lessons.

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1 minute ago, Recusitatorwannabe said:

Maybe I am to westernized. I apologize I really have tried to better myself I honestly try to be unaffected by other people and am kind to everyone but it’s not in my head when I say that people in my program are mean. (One person tried to erase my name because I signed one lab with a pencil. I have never spoken to that girl in my life and she was going to do that) so it just affects me sometimes and today I forgot to print out a copy of an introduction that we had to submit online and I lost 5 percent for it and a girl behind me in line just laughed and smirked after me and submitted hers and I don’t know if it’s maybe because I appear weak to them but I really am trying to be strong but I also want to be realistic because I might honestly just be not good for anything if this is how I am after all my experiences and lessons.

It’s not impossible. I also have that feeling. Always WRITE in PEN if the instruction lets you to do so!

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Just a few things:

1. I'm not telling you to give up on being a doctor, but you should definitely be exploring other career options too. This will help take some stress away, since you'll have avenues to pursue if this one doesn't work out. In all likelihood, there must be other things that interest you, or that you would also be suitable for. Before going to medical school, I had a few backups, some of which had nothing to do with medicine or healthcare at all. Think about what yours might be.

2. Realize that everyone is going through something. For example, Kevin Love is an NBA star who earns millions of dollars and dates a supermodel. You think he wouldn't have any problems, but he later revealed that he suffers from crippling panic attacks. Likewise, many strong students you look up to probably have their own things going on that they keep hidden away. Many are their own worst critics, and are quite hard on themselves too. Remember, it's not just you.

3. Keep in mind that no matter what happens, tomorrow the Sun will still rise, the Earth will still spin, and life will go on. The pain of failures and setbacks will fade, but these experiences will give you the strength and perspective you need to overcome what else ultimately awaits you in the future. It may not seem like it now, but there's more out there than just school, books, and scantrons.

I'm not sure if this helped, but I hope so.

Good luck.

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I think the above comment is a bit harsh. 

Having said that, unfortunately the first thing medical schools look at are your grades.

Imagine getting over 2000 applications to your medical school. How would you start to narrow down where to even start? This is where your GPA comes in. Once you are above the cut off, that is when the reviewers can actually take a look at who you are as a person. I know its not the best scenario, but until something better comes along - that is the system we have.

I can tell from your post that you are passionate about getting in - and passion is very important and you will need that when writing your essays and during the interview. 

Echoing some of the responses above - I strongly agree with Intrepid86's post. This is a great time to build a back up plan and gain more confidence in yourself so that you don't have everything riding on one acceptance letter.

If you dream is to be a physician and you don't get in this round - I would take a step back, focus on learning how to bring yourself up, love yourself for who you are, develop those strengths and the apply with new found confidence down the line.

Don't give up!

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@YesIcan55 lmao you must be my biggest fan. It's called freedom of speech, I don't think I've said anything wrong at all. People who come on an anonymous forum to complain aren't the winners. Whining and complaining isn't what winners do. That's all I'm saying. You're taking it very personally which tells me you are one of the people that I'm referring to. Someone who is probably barely squeaking by, that's why you're taking these comments very personally as I've somehow personally attacked you. 

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Hi briannaxox, as you mentioned we are all allowed our opinions. However, attacking other people (even indirectly) who are clearly struggling, suffering, and asking for help by calling them "weak-minded" is, in my opinion, unhelpful. It also reinforces this individual's belief that other undergrads chasing entry to medicine are mean. Again, if I could add my opinion, there is no place for mean and unempathetic people in medicine, either. I will remind everyone that this forum is not as anonymous as you think.

Regarding the original poster, Recusitatorwannabe, I will echo others' suggestions to not lose hope and to please take care of yourself. When you are struggling as much as you sound like you currently are, it will be harder to focus, study, retain things you learn and hence be unable to demonstrate your abilities on assignments and exams. Maybe you need a tutor, maybe you need psychological or medical supports, maybe you need to change programs/schools if you don't like what you're studying, or maybe you need to take a break from school to get things under control and to build your confidence and self-efficacy. Should you eventually end up in medicine, times like this will come again and it will be important to know how to navigate hard times. You have already demonstrated significant tenacity several times in your life--you can navigate and survive this too. 

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Freedom of speech isn't absolute.  Being free to speak doesn't mean the spoken words are right or appropriate. Describing them as mean or harsh is almost flattering, although I get the sentiment. 

OP, focus on yourself. Those other people you call perfect, aren't, I guarantee you.  There is no such thing as winners or losers in life.  I see that medicine has been a dream of yours, and that's wonderful.  But nobody is going to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. Work on improving your self image by finding your voice and channeling what make you unique into something that makes you bigger and stronger.    You need to do that regardless if you go into medicine or not. 

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21 minutes ago, sangria said:

Freedom of speech isn't absolute.  Being free to speak doesn't mean the spoken words are right or appropriate. Describing them as mean or harsh is almost flattering, although I get the sentiment. 

OP, focus on yourself. Those other people you call perfect, aren't, I guarantee you.  There is no such thing as winners or losers in life.  I see that medicine has been a dream of yours, and that's wonderful.  But nobody is going to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. Work on improving your self image by finding your voice and channeling what make you unique into something that makes you bigger and stronger.    You need to do that regardless if you go into medicine or not. 

ha I take one day off moderating...... 

actually freedom of speech I suppose in the typical sense doesn't apply. That freedom just means the government cannot restrict your speech. I am not the government :)

someone attacks a position - no problem, bring it on. Don't attack the person - that ruins debate and understanding, which is large part is the point of the forum. Usually there is a kernel of a point in an attack which might (maybe) be worth exploring but you will never get there that way. 

 

 

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Thank you all so much I appreciate it. Honestly some of the comments were triggering but this is is why I don’t really open up; fear of judgement such as this. I have been studying for midterms and trying to give it my all. But if there is really no hopes in terms of my GPA I don’t even know where to go from here. Guess I’m just feeling a little lost an hopeless. I appreciate the people who have actually went out of their way to help me and all I can say is that you people give me hope in humankind and in medicine, it’s been difficult and I understand that everyone has their issues so I appreciate the people who took time out of their busy lives to help someone like me. 

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On 10/7/2018 at 7:57 PM, rmorelan said:

ha I take one day off moderating...... 

actually freedom of speech I suppose in the typical sense doesn't apply. That freedom just means the government cannot restrict your speech. I am not the government :)

someone attacks a position - no problem, bring it on. Don't attack the person - that ruins debate and understanding, which is large part is the point of the forum. Usually there is a kernel of a point in an attack which might (maybe) be worth exploring but you will never get there that way. 

 

 

Thank you, I apologize for starting such a fuss

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On 10/5/2018 at 6:16 PM, Recusitatorwannabe said:

I know you’re not obligated to help me and tell me anything. I understand you are all busy. Some of you may be in residency and laugh at undergrads who stress, I get it. I can only imagine how annoying it is. But I can’t help it. I want to be a doctor; am I passionate about organic chemistry? Do I love cell biology? No. I honestly don’t; that’s why I don’t want to be a researcher for the rest of my life. Am I the perfect person? No. However, when I was 6 I had to get surgery for a slow growing brain tumour; I took getting needles like a champ before my surgery; the nurse told me that I should be a “poster child for surgery” because I was smiling the whole time, I wasn’t upset or angry at my condition; I was a weirdo who was excited for surgery, I remember my mom crying and the doctor telling her “look she’s not even crying” to which my mother then explained to him that I “didn’t understand what was really going on.”  I told her that I did and that all that was going to happen was that I was “getting a bad thing removed”. Then, I asked her why she would be crying about that. I remember the doctor laughing and saying “I think we have a future doctor in the making.” I took those words to heart.  In elementary I was the perfect student; took home all of the awards, and recieved straight E’s and A+’s. From grade school I had decided it was my dream to be a doctor, but I get it; who takes a kids dream seriously? It’s just that, a kids dream. Come high school I decided to go into an IB program. It killed me, I realized that I wasn’t as smart as I had once thought I was. High school took its toll on me and with that and other external factors I went into depression. I tried to kill myself because I had thought I was worthless in life. I had the most feeling of hopelessness. I was so suicidal that I jumped in front of a train; with my luck at the time a dispatcher was on site and she sent an emergency signal to shut the power of the station off. But I had to face the consequences of doing such a public act, I ended up getting hospitalized with the accompaniment of police. This was the one time I did not ever want to be in the hospital. I tried to lie and say I was fine. But my actions were too dramatic and I was left on a doctors form, I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital. I ended up missing all my exams due to my hospitalization which honestly just put me in a deeper depression. My depression got worse and I tried to kill myself in hospital which just led to further hospitalization, it was so bad that I spent all of grade 10 in hospital. Until finally, after countless therapy, the right medication and a family forgiving my depression instead of being mad about it; I was released. The psychiatrist knew that I used to want to be a doctor and in our sessions I told him that I had given up and was not good enough for anything (the things depression do), I’ll never forget our last meeting; he told me “next time I see you here you’re going to be wearing a scethescope not a straitjacket  okay” (I was often causing code blues). The result of hospitalization led to me having to do an extra year of HIGH SCHOOL. Stressed about catching up and being in my program, I finished grade 12 with an 88; barely scraping my way into university. Now I’m in second year I tried really hard my first year but it was hard to adjust. I ended up with a 77 percent and although it is an 81 with my lowest dropped that is still not nearly competitive enough. It doesn’t seem to be getting easier. I am trying to aim for a 90 percent average because I know anything below means nothing. I study I really do; maybe I don’t do it properly or maybe I just am simply not bright enough. I see others; they understand concepts right away, they’re mean, they’re competitive. They’re perfect. They are the people who medical schools look for; be honest, should I give up on this? Accept myself for who I am and live with that constant disappointment? Or keep pushing even though a 90 percent average is near impossible for me at this point. Dreams and sob stories only mean so much. But I thought I’d share for some honest opinions as this isn’t the stuff you can exactly reveal to medical school as it would just make my chances less likely. 

I appreciate you.

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On 10/7/2018 at 4:25 PM, Briannaxox said:

@YesIcan55 lmao you must be my biggest fan. It's called freedom of speech, I don't think I've said anything wrong at all. People who come on an anonymous forum to complain aren't the winners. Whining and complaining isn't what winners do. That's all I'm saying. You're taking it very personally which tells me you are one of the people that I'm referring to. Someone who is probably barely squeaking by, that's why you're taking these comments very personally as I've somehow personally attacked you. 

I am worthless and weak I know, I wish I could change it but I cannot. If I could change my personality I would have in a heart beat. Please don’t attack other people out there; judge me all you want because I put my information out there to be judged, but do not attack those who are just giving advice. 

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On 10/7/2018 at 7:32 PM, sangria said:

Freedom of speech isn't absolute.  Being free to speak doesn't mean the spoken words are right or appropriate. Describing them as mean or harsh is almost flattering, although I get the sentiment. 

OP, focus on yourself. Those other people you call perfect, aren't, I guarantee you.  There is no such thing as winners or losers in life.  I see that medicine has been a dream of yours, and that's wonderful.  But nobody is going to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. Work on improving your self image by finding your voice and channeling what make you unique into something that makes you bigger and stronger.    You need to do that regardless if you go into medicine or not. 

I appreciate you so much. I will work on my self confidence, thank you. It is just hard to remember that others are not perfect when that is the persona they consistently put out (as well as judging those who they view is less than them)

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14 hours ago, Recusitatorwannabe said:

I am worthless and weak I know, I wish I could change it but I cannot. If I could change my personality I would have in a heart beat. Please don’t attack other people out there; judge me all you want because I put my information out there to be judged, but do not attack those who are just giving advice. 

I would not blame yourself or call you worthless by any means. I honestly suggest that you take a year off to improve your self-worth before you tackle your GPA. Good mental health is necessary to attain good GPA  and it will be difficult to focus on study. In your gap year, you can seek professional help, volunteer, work and gain confident etc. Don't change your personality, enhance it!

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