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Schulich2019

Admitted but never kissed a girl

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Hello,

I've been admitted to a couple of schools but will be attending Schulich this fall. That's great and all, but I feel like I'm missing out on a big part of life: dating. I've never had a girlfriend, never held hands or kissed a girl, and am obviously a virgin. I don't think I'm weird around girls, I would actually consider myself to be a socially competent individual. I've just never gotten around to being with a girl. I feel too awkward approaching a stranger, and unfortunately most of my social circle consists of males.

 

Will things be different in medical school? I really want to have a partner that I can trust who shares my passions. I'm sick of doing things with the same group of guys, even though I do love them as friends. But I really want a girlfriend, even though I'm not sure if the opportunity will arise in medical school. How should I approach things in medical school? Do people usually date fellow classmates, will I have any free time to be in a relationship, etc? What are some environments in Western that allow people to meet girls and strike up a conversation? I'm not the type of personality that likes to frequent bars and clubs, but at this point I'm open to anything to be honest. 

 

Thank you for your help

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Not gonna lie, I don't think your prospects will change in med school unless you become more confident around girls. I talk to many girls and it is all about having confidence. Think of them as your male friends and you will be fine. 

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Let nature take its course. Develop friendships in Med school and beyond and there is more than one girl out there for you. You really never know where a friendship will lead to, if anywhere. You can, however, improve your chances by working to make things happen. I know one fellow who saw a girl walking in the opposite direction, in a building, she was talking to another person. He realized the strong attraction, that he likely would never see her again in his lifetime. He stopped in his tracks, turned around, approached the girls and said, “Excuse me, you have touched my heart, my soul, my body as soon as I saw you.  Can we please sit down and chat. She accepted snd this chat lasted 3 hours, the first of many. Every girl with whom he has had a serious relationship began by him approaching total strangers to whom he was attracted. The others were st university. My point is, you can take the initiative, you take a chance, the worst that can happen is that you are shut down and quickly, but st least you know, you gave it a shot.

In any event, life will unfold in the fullness of time and you will find someone, or someone will find you. :P

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4 hours ago, Bambi said:

Let nature take its course. Develop friendships in Med school and beyond and there is more than one girl out there for you. You really never know where a friendship will lead to, if anywhere. You can, however, improve your chances by working to make things happen. I know one fellow who saw a girl walking in the opposite direction, in a building, she was talking to another person. He realized the strong attraction, that he likely would never see her again in his lifetime. He stopped in his tracks, turned around, approached the girls and said, “Excuse me, you have touched my heart, my soul, my body as soon as I saw you.  Can we please sit down and chat. She accepted snd this chat lasted 3 hours, the first of many. Every girl with whom he has had a serious relationship began by him approaching total strangers to whom he was attracted. The others were st university. My point is, you can take the initiative, you take a chance, the worst that can happen is that you are shut down and quickly, but st least you know, you gave it a shot.

In any event, life will unfold in the fullness of time and you will find someone, or someone will find you. :P

How old is that guy? I feel like that's a super creepy/weird thing to say to a girl and wouldn't work today. The guy also must have been white. 

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6 hours ago, Bambi said:

Let nature take its course. Develop friendships in Med school and beyond and there is more than one girl out there for you. You really never know where a friendship will lead to, if anywhere. You can, however, improve your chances by working to make things happen. I know one fellow who saw a girl walking in the opposite direction, in a building, she was talking to another person. He realized the strong attraction, that he likely would never see her again in his lifetime. He stopped in his tracks, turned around, approached the girls and said, “Excuse me, you have touched my heart, my soul, my body as soon as I saw you.  Can we please sit down and chat. She accepted snd this chat lasted 3 hours, the first of many. Every girl with whom he has had a serious relationship began by him approaching total strangers to whom he was attracted. The others were st university. My point is, you can take the initiative, you take a chance, the worst that can happen is that you are shut down and quickly, but st least you know, you gave it a shot.

In any event, life will unfold in the fullness of time and you will find someone, or someone will find you. :P

this is the most cringe story/advice I have ever heard. OP please ignore this

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1 hour ago, YesIcan55 said:

this is the most cringe story/advice I have ever heard. OP please ignore this

I would never do something as uncomfortable as that, thanks for the caution though lol. 

 

But i havent received much advice other than “just be confident around girls.” Thats the thing, i think i am confident around everyone, but it’s never resulted in anything. Also, thats like telling an obese person “just dont eat so much”...

 

do any of you guys have positive experiences with dating apps like tinder or bumble?

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You'll be meeting plenty of new people when you'll start school, and about half of students in med are women, so I wouldn't worry too much about it for now! ! And if you find someone you love and loves you back, you'll definitely have time for her if it's what you want in your life.

About dating apps.... it's just luck and randomness. Some people have found the love of their life on the first try, others collect awkward dates. Typically, the second is more common. I've personally never used Tinder/Bumble because I have been in a relationship for the past 5 years years and these apps weren't as popular back then (or at least I didn't know about them at the time), but if I was single now I think I'd prefer that to dating in bars. However, I did meet my partner on Facebook while both of us commented on a mutual friend's post. We both felt a good connection and a desire to know each other better, so it led to exchange of personal messages to meeting and dating.

So my advice is just to keep an open mind (could lead you to dating apps!), and if you're looking for a long lasting relationship, you may need to be patient before you find someone right for you if you're not the type to fall in love easily. 

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3 hours ago, Schulich2019 said:

I would never do something as uncomfortable as that, thanks for the caution though lol. 

 

But i havent received much advice other than “just be confident around girls.” Thats the thing, i think i am confident around everyone, but it’s never resulted in anything. Also, thats like telling an obese person “just dont eat so much”...

 

do any of you guys have positive experiences with dating apps like tinder or bumble?

All jokes aside, trying to find someone that you can build an intimate relationship is actually very similar to applying to med school. The process is long and filled with multiple rejections -- but all it takes it one of them to be the right fit for you for it to work. With that being, my actual actionable advice to you would be:

1) If you meet a girl even remotely attractive look-wise/personality-wise, offer to keep in touch with her, and then message her and see if she wants to go for a coffee/lunch with you ==> build it from there. Just make sure you remain open minded with your options here! You could fall in love just by talking to someone that you didn't find particularly attractive at first by getting to know them more. Worst case, if you really don't find them interesting you could always fall back. 

2) Go to parties/chillings hosted by people in your cohort (ex.: frosh, frat parties). Those are great environments for getting to know ppl and you could literally end up hitting all the milestones you mentioned with a girl the night of if the attraction is mutual.

3) Tinder/bumble are also legit and fkin good. Just make sure you give a genuine and interesting bio + ask a female friend of yours to judge which set of pics to use. 

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22 hours ago, Elgar said:

You'll be meeting plenty of new people when you'll start school, and about half of students in med are women, so I wouldn't worry too much about it for now! ! And if you find someone you love and loves you back, you'll definitely have time for her if it's what you want in your life.

About dating apps.... it's just luck and randomness. Some people have found the love of their life on the first try, others collect awkward dates. Typically, the second is more common. I've personally never used Tinder/Bumble because I have been in a relationship for the past 5 years years and these apps weren't as popular back then (or at least I didn't know about them at the time), but if I was single now I think I'd prefer that to dating in bars. However, I did meet my partner on Facebook while both of us commented on a mutual friend's post. We both felt a good connection and a desire to know each other better, so it led to exchange of personal messages to meeting and dating.

So my advice is just to keep an open mind (could lead you to dating apps!), and if you're looking for a long lasting relationship, you may need to be patient before you find someone right for you if you're not the type to fall in love easily. 

Did you initiate the personal messages on facebook? If so, how did you do so without feeling extremely awkward? like a simple "what's up?" 

 

There have been times when girls that i've been interested in me have added me on facebook or dropped some hints in person, but I feel they were waiting for me to make a move and I have no idea how to do so without feeling awkward. 

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21 hours ago, bigboydyo said:

All jokes aside, trying to find someone that you can build an intimate relationship is actually very similar to applying to med school. The process is long and filled with multiple rejections -- but all it takes it one of them to be the right fit for you for it to work. With that being, my actual actionable advice to you would be:

1) If you meet a girl even remotely attractive look-wise/personality-wise, offer to keep in touch with her, and then message her and see if she wants to go for a coffee/lunch with you ==> build it from there. Just make sure you remain open minded with your options here! You could fall in love just by talking to someone that you didn't find particularly attractive at first by getting to know them more. Worst case, if you really don't find them interesting you could always fall back. 

2) Go to parties/chillings hosted by people in your cohort (ex.: frosh, frat parties). Those are great environments for getting to know ppl and you could literally end up hitting all the milestones you mentioned with a girl the night of if the attraction is mutual.

3) Tinder/bumble are also legit and fkin good. Just make sure you give a genuine and interesting bio + ask a female friend of yours to judge which set of pics to use. 

How do I offer to keep in touch with a girl? Again this stuff may seem easy to you guys but I guess I'm just socially deficient when it comes to this because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to interact with women in any manner that isn't purely cordial. What do I message a girl that I'm interested in? 

 

Again I haven't really gone to parties in my life so far but I will perhaps start doing that. On the occasions that I have gone to a party or bar, I've spent the entire time with my male friends and have noticed attractive women around me, but almost all of them will be there with a guy. 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Schulich2019 said:

Did you initiate the personal messages on facebook? If so, how did you do so without feeling extremely awkward? like a simple "what's up?" 

 

There have been times when girls that i've been interested in me have added me on facebook or dropped some hints in person, but I feel they were waiting for me to make a move and I have no idea how to do so without feeling awkward. 

I did not initiate the message (perhaps because I didn't want to seem weird) but I told myself I would do it sometime within the next day. However, the next time I logged in that few hours later I had a new inbox message :) As I said, there was already a good connection between us, so it didn't feel particularly awkward. Also, I didn't see it as a purely romantic interaction, I just felt strongly that I had to know this person better, no matter the outcome was. I've also sort of felt like that in the past with people who became really good friends, and I think the best relationships are built on strong friendship. 

If you feel like someone you like hints you, you should absolutely hint them back! otherwise they'll believe you were just not interested, and maybe it took all of their courage just to do that so it'll refrain them from making another move. You don't need to be very creative, just ask them questions about themselves and show interest to learn more about them. As you get to know each other, hanging out just the 2 of you should come as natural.

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3 hours ago, Schulich2019 said:

How do I offer to keep in touch with a girl? Again this stuff may seem easy to you guys but I guess I'm just socially deficient when it comes to this because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to interact with women in any manner that isn't purely cordial. What do I message a girl that I'm interested in? 

 

Again I haven't really gone to parties in my life so far but I will perhaps start doing that. On the occasions that I have gone to a party or bar, I've spent the entire time with my male friends and have noticed attractive women around me, but almost all of them will be there with a guy. 

 

 

First thing you gotta understand is that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable with interacting with women in this manner because as long as you are kind and respectful, it's actually quite flattering for them to have a guy take initiative and show interest in them. Worst case they won't reciprocate your interest in them back to you, yet that will leave you with someone who could end up being a good friend or simply a classmate that you are now acquainted with!

So the next time you strike up a convo with a girl you find remotely interesting/attractive, since you will be starting med school this fall in a new university and all, try to end your convo with something like "I'm actually new to this town and I'm trynna get to know ppl. I'd be down to exchange numbers and keep in touch!" Or if you guys find some topics/interests in common during your convo you could add in something like "It's actually a lot of fun talking about [insert topic here] with you. We should grab some coffee sometime and continue this convo". Obv these are just examples and are context-dependant, but the idea is that you show interest in getting to know them and ask for their contact info and as long as you are a genuinely kind person I doubt you'll get a disheartening response. 

I'd also suggest to make these moves in person, not over FB. You could strike up a convo on FB but unless you've already talked to them in person before, it could give off the impression that you're extremely shy. 

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Based on some of these replies, it seems prudent to point out that if you intend to sit back and let things happen like some have suggested, chances are nothing's going to happen... Past performance being a predictor of future performance, if something were going to happen by doing nothing, it already would've at least once in the last 8+ years. Also, being in med school isn't quite the aphrodisiac you'd think. If someone's interested in you already, it could help or hurt; if they weren't to begin with, it changes nothing.

All that being said, there's nothing wrong with being 21 and having never kissed a girl. We all grow at our own pace, and just because it's at a different pace than others' doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You've undoubtedly grown faster than others in different domains. Still, it sounds like it's something that bugs you, and that's understandable. I've heard it said that relationships are like oxygen: they don't matter unless you don't have any. It's tough looking around and feeling like you missed the class on relationships, but it's like everything in life: with practice, you can get better at it. But how do you practice when you don't know where to begin, right? Try breaking this large problem down into multiple smaller ones. So step 1 is being comfortable talking to girls at all-as friends. Step 2 is asking out a girl you're interested in - I'm not sure if the nervousness really goes away. This one's important, because if you're not clear, then she may think you just want to be friends, and that's not fair to either of you. Step 3 is spending time one-on-one in a non-platonic context. And so on.

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Going to the gym can make a world of a difference for your self-confidence in the dating market (if ur not doing so already). Plus, our generation is extremely shallow when it comes to choosing partners, esp. when it comes to dating apps or meeting people at parties/bars. Like others have already mentioned, always be respectful and don't look for love in the wrong places. While hooking up at a party or using Tinder may work fine for someone who's been getting laid since high school, I recommend you try and find someone through mutual  friends, activities,  or study groups first. That might be a better place to start. Also, don't be too shallow or looks-oriented....the nerdy, cute, quiet girl in your lecture is prob more compatible for you than some random hot person twerking on tables at a London bar. I know this sounds a bit more shallow/callous than what was shared above, but I wanted to be totally real with you. As a side note, I was also a late bloomer, but in my case it was b/c of life circumstances beyond my control. Things are better now, but I know how it feels. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't let anyone intimidate or belittle you for being sexually inexperienced. You sound like a wonderful guy and I wish you the best. :) 

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29 minutes ago, jr2 said:

Going to the gym can make a world of a difference for your self-confidence in the dating market (if ur not doing so already). Plus, our generation is extremely shallow when it comes to choosing partners, esp. when it comes to dating apps or meeting people at parties/bars. Like others have already mentioned, always be respectful and don't look for love in the wrong places. While hooking up at a party or using Tinder may work fine for someone who's been getting laid since high school, I recommend you try and find someone through mutual  friends, activities,  or study groups first. That might be a better place to start. Also, don't be too shallow or looks-oriented....the nerdy, cute, quiet girl in your lecture is prob more compatible for you than some random hot person twerking on tables at a London bar. I know this sounds a bit more shallow/callous than what was shared above, but I wanted to be totally real with you. As a side note, I was also a late bloomer, but in my case it was b/c of life circumstances beyond my control. Things are better now, but I know how it feels. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't let anyone intimidate or belittle you for being sexually inexperienced. You sound like a wonderful guy and I wish you the best. :) 

I've been lifting since last year and I think I'm slightly overweight currently (6'1, 225 lbs). I'm pretty strong with the stereotypical V-shaped body and broad shoulders (people often comment on them), so I don't think I look bad but who knows ...

 

Also I thank you for your advice but reading that I might not be good enough for a girl and might have to "settle down" for someone less desirable (in my eye, obviously don't mean to objectify anyone) is not exactly heartening to hear ... not sure if that's what you intended to get across, but I would much rather work on my self and improve so that I can be with someone that I truly want to be with, rather than accept being unhappy. 

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3 hours ago, Schulich2019 said:

Also I thank you for your advice but reading that I might not be good enough for a girl and might have to "settle down" for someone less desirable (in my eye, obviously don't mean to objectify anyone) is not exactly heartening to hear ... not sure if that's what you intended to get across, but I would much rather work on my self and improve so that I can be with someone that I truly want to be with, rather than accept being unhappy.

Any mention of types/attraction/leagues shouldn't be listened to, there really isn't any such thing, but you may feel more comfortable around people who you mesh with better. 

You sound like a respectable guy who is self-aware of himself, and I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you. I would try a dating site, as that's mostly the social norm these days. You may also benefit from the smaller, more intimate class sizes in medical school and form more close relationships with females from it. I don't have any "dating" techniques for approaching girls, but what my friends and I tend to like are people who seem genuinely interested in talking to me about my life and what I have to say. People who I am comfortable striking up any conversation with are normally the people I want to get closer too, and if there's physical attraction, a relationship can follow. Be open, be approachable, smile, laugh and show that you're comfortable talking about more personal topics. Ask about her feelings on certain events that happened... rather that just asking "What did you do today?", you could ask "How did you feel about that class?", it allows for her to branch into a broader topic about school and life as a whole. In medical school, it won't be weird if you introduce yourself to a cute girl you see in class, as you'll have a lot to talk about and will be with each other for 4 years to come. 

 

My past two relationships were from Tinder, though. I can definitely understand how difficult it is in undergrad to get closer to people in a romantic way. You are good enough and deserve to be happy, please don't ever "settle", that will never work out in the long run. Most of the time on tinder, I've been kissed/have kissed the guy on the first date if it went well (but always ask/be sure first).

Please PM me if you want to talk more. Again, I'm not a dating wizard, but I am a girl, and we aren't that complex. 

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Let me tell you first of all, man, you are not alone. I think you have a very good shot with girls and I would say the same about any guy regardless of how attractive they are as long as they are not creepy and cringe like whoever went and told that girl his soul and body were touched by her lmao.

I'm gonna try and be as realistic as possible because I don't think people help you when they say "go with the flow", "let nature take its course", pshh that is a load of BS to make you feel better without getting you any girl! Girls don't summon out of thin air for you just because you are a nice guy, period.

I would urge you to do the opposite. Don't go with the flow, create your own tide; don't let nature take its course, take nature into your own course!

You don't need to become a different person, you just need to show who you are to the girl. How do you think she'll know how awesome you are? How do you think she'll appreciate your respect and confidence? You need to be noticed. She needs to think to herself, consciously or subconsciously, "Damn, this guy is proper".

Earlier, you complained about how everyone tells you to be confident and you're tired of hearing that. But trust me, man, that is really it. All women are looking for a man who is confident. This is so important because although you know this already, you may not understand how it actually works. You may think you are confident (a lot of us do) but that doesn't matter! It only matters if the girl thinks you're confident, and girls are extremely good at noticing it, for it serves an evolutionary purpose after all. A women wants a man that is happy with himself, takes care of himself, prides himself in his identity and being, is self-reliant and independent, is emotionally intelligent. Being confident doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, although assholes are usually confident and that is sometimes enough to fool a girl into thinking you're worth their time. Think about the implication of that - the fact that you are confident can be more important than how nice you are. Again, I am not telling you to be an asshole, but I am giving insight into the psychology of why some women fall for the wrong guy. 

Until I hit 22, I wasn't interacting with a lot of women and missed out on so many beautiful, intelligent ones. I only hung out with dudes, didn't really care about how I looked. I definitely thought I was confident, but I wasn't and am sure women didn't think of me any differently. I changed my way of living after I graduated from university. I started working out and lost 45 pounds. I was physically more fit but what mattered more was how it made me feel mentally. I got a new barber who gives me the freshest fades. "I'm a stud" - that's what I think to myself (It doesn't matter if I'm an average 5,9 normal dude). When I talk to girls, I care about what they think of me but I care more about what I think of them, and that's how a confident man thinks. Why should I go with the girl who sits beside me in class when that girl across the class is way more attractive? That way of thinking alone made the girl sitting beside me automatically more attracted to me because she knows she is not my only choice. 

You are an awesome dude, realize it, internalize it, and then women will notice it. 

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13 hours ago, Schulich2019 said:

I've been lifting since last year and I think I'm slightly overweight currently (6'1, 225 lbs). I'm pretty strong with the stereotypical V-shaped body and broad shoulders (people often comment on them), so I don't think I look bad but who knows ...

 

Also I thank you for your advice but reading that I might not be good enough for a girl and might have to "settle down" for someone less desirable (in my eye, obviously don't mean to objectify anyone) is not exactly heartening to hear ... not sure if that's what you intended to get across, but I would much rather work on my self and improve so that I can be with someone that I truly want to be with, rather than accept being unhappy. 

Hey Schulich2019,

That's absolutely not what I intended to say....maybe it came across that way, but I just wanted to give the general advice of keeping your mind open to a diversity of people and not to be overly picky (not b/c you can't be, but you never know when the right person may be staring you in the face, but you're overlooking them b/c you have a different concept of what your "ideal" partner should be). Also, if you're looking for a serious relationship, it's important that youactually  jive with the other person personality-wise. Obviously, mutual physical attraction is critical, but there are other factors to consider too. Sorry if I offended you or said something that came off as derogative. That wasn't my intent. 

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