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gnatcatcher

Worried about how I’ll meet my spouse.

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My university career is coming to an end and it’s obvious I didn’t meet a spouse here (it wasn’t really on my mind tbh). I’m pinning meeting a spouse onto the chance I get into medical school. Not necessarily another med student but I feel like being in medical school and then residency puts me in a position to meet someone. I don’t know what happens if I don’t get in. I’m worried about this. 

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9 minutes ago, insomnias said:

Let me assure you: if you can't find a spouse before entering med school, it doesn't get any easier once you're in

were you married/engaged before starting your MD? My undergrad consisted of two failed relationships, so yeah. 

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3 minutes ago, gnatcatcher said:

were you married/engaged before starting your MD? My undergrad consisted of two failed relationships, so yeah. 

I came out of a relationship right before starting, and I'm still single. Conversely, I have classmates who entered med school single and are now happily not-single. Then there are those who are unhappily single (and probably some who are unhappily not-single but aren't broadcasting that). Basically, getting into med school doesn't make things any easier/harder. It ultimately depends on you. The biggest issue will be that it can be hard to meet new people when you're in med school, but if you're in a new place, it's definitely easier to meet other people.

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15 minutes ago, insomnias said:

I came out of a relationship right before starting, and I'm still single. Conversely, I have classmates who entered med school single and are now happily not-single. Then there are those who are unhappily single (and probably some who are unhappily not-single but aren't broadcasting that). Basically, getting into med school doesn't make things any easier/harder. It ultimately depends on you. The biggest issue will be that it can be hard to meet new people when you're in med school, but if you're in a new place, it's definitely easier to meet other people.

I'd argue that it's easier to meet people in med school or undergrad or any school when you compare it to not being in school. I have been out of school for 2 years now and my encounters with women have diminished greatly. I used to have more friends in undergrad, and found my ex who I was in a 3 year relationship with from there. School fosters a social circle, and as hard as med school is, I still think it makes connections more available to you than when you are out of school and rely on old friends or tinder/bumble. 

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4 hours ago, insomnias said:

I came out of a relationship right before starting, and I'm still single. Conversely, I have classmates who entered med school single and are now happily not-single. Then there are those who are unhappily single (and probably some who are unhappily not-single but aren't broadcasting that). Basically, getting into med school doesn't make things any easier/harder. It ultimately depends on you. The biggest issue will be that it can be hard to meet new people when you're in med school, but if you're in a new place, it's definitely easier to meet other people.

Bolded.

 

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If you get all the way to staff and are a single male, don't despair! As long as you don't care if your spouse is a terrible person, there are plenty of women in the hospital who will be with you because they see you as an easy source of cash....:lol:

/doesn't seem to be that way for female staff near as much. Probably because females are smarter than we are....

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As long as you have it on your mind, you'll probably be fine. The people who may be in trouble are those who put it off and either just enjoying single life a bit too much or on the other end so immersed in work they don't bother looking. I do agree with RiderSx though, meeting people in school does tend to be easier, med school probably is a good time, especially pre-clerkship. clerkship gets busy and CaRMs just is filled with too much stress and uncertainty. 

Even if you don't get into medical school, you'll probably be fine, grad school or even the workplace are great places. 

The main problem with residency with meeting people is that it isn't school and you are very busy. 

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I didn’t get on the dating scene until my first full time job. Not everyone meets their sweethearts during school! You can always use online dating apps if you find that you’re not able to meet people in person.

My fiancé and I met on Tinder :)! We’ve been together almost 5 years now.

 

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23 hours ago, Butterfly_ said:

I didn’t get on the dating scene until my first full time job. Not everyone meets their sweethearts during school! You can always use online dating apps if you find that you’re not able to meet people in person.

My fiancé and I met on Tinder :)! We’ve been together almost 5 years now.

 

Yeah I don't understand this stigma against meeting someone online. Maybe 10 years ago in the 2000s when the Internet wasn't as big but honestly, Tinder, Bumble, etc. seem like way better uses of your time than going to bars or hoping you meet someone at school/work. All the people I work with are old af or already in relationships. On dating apps, you can easily find single people who are your age.

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1 hour ago, takasugi said:

Yeah I don't understand this stigma against meeting someone online. Maybe 10 years ago in the 2000s when the Internet wasn't as big but honestly, Tinder, Bumble, etc. seem like way better uses of your time than going to bars or hoping you meet someone at school/work. All the people I work with are old af or already in relationships. On dating apps, you can easily find single people who are your age.

True but isn’t OP worried about finding a spouse? My understanding is that Tinder nowadays isn’t really meant for that, moreso casual relationships or what not , although I could be entirely wrong

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1 hour ago, Cuttlefish said:

True but isn’t OP worried about finding a spouse? My understanding is that Tinder nowadays isn’t really meant for that, moreso casual relationships or what not , although I could be entirely wrong

There’s someone out there for everyone...and online/apps are for everything from hookups to lifetime relationships. 
the rule is to be discerning and know what you’re seeking. 
 

I only found a spouse when I let go of “looking for” one and just enjoyed life and made life happen as opposed to waiting for it to happen to me. 
 

good luck!

LL

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1 hour ago, Cuttlefish said:

True but isn’t OP worried about finding a spouse? My understanding is that Tinder nowadays isn’t really meant for that, moreso casual relationships or what not , although I could be entirely wrong

No, some people do look for spouses on Tinder. My problem with Tinder as a guy in a city with more men than women is that the great girls get snatched up quickly, and unless you're a model, it's terrible for your self-esteem. I think I get 2 matches/month, and those fizzle fast.

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1 hour ago, insomnias said:

No, some people do look for spouses on Tinder. My problem with Tinder as a guy in a city with more men than women is that the great girls get snatched up quickly, and unless you're a model, it's terrible for your self-esteem. I think I get 2 matches/month, and those fizzle fast.

lol I got 20-25 every single day when I got it for shitsandgiggles for 4 days...and I am a dude in a city with more men than women (that is so irrelevant btw lol)

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38 minutes ago, YesIcan55 said:

lol I got 20-25 every single day when I got it for shitsandgiggles for 4 days...and I am a dude in a city with more men than women (that is so irrelevant btw lol)

Well you didn't have to tell me I'm ugly :P

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6 minutes ago, insomnias said:

Well you didn't have to tell me I'm ugly :P

You aren't ugly. I realize that came off super smug...my bad. I do agree with you that people who suggest dating apps are either women or guys who have had success with them. Then these 2 groups of people will not understand/empathize because they get so many matches. The harsh reality is that for 80% of guys, dating apps are not the way to go.  

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You're worried about not meeting your future spouse at age 22?

Zoom out. Gain some perspective. Investigate why you think this is reasonable and why the fact that your undergrad was made up of "2 failed relationships" is apparently catastrophically meaningful in the long-term other than each taught you something. The sky doesn't fall if you're not married. Really ponder for yourself why you think this is important right now.

The faster you chase something, the faster it will run away. Try to live your life for you, because you're young. If someone you fancy happens to wander into your life and they like you too, great, run with it, but don't hold it to some arbitrary standard or timeline. That's a surefire way to disappoint two people, not just one.

Foster your relationship with yourself first, and your relationships with everyone else will flourish. I promise you that.

I've been with more women than I can reasonably count. And it took a LOT of failure, experimentation and heartache to teach me about who, what, and why I want to be with someone other than myself. 

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According to Gray's Anatomy you'll be single until residency then it'll just be a bang session in the break room every other day with a new broad and you'll end up marrying one.

For real though... It's easy to sit here and say don't worry about it...but don't actually worry about it. It'll happen when it happens. Until then just talk with girls and hang out with them. Get it in once in awhile. Don't get obsessed over girls. If they like you, it won't be that difficult so if it feels like you're spinning your wheels with a girl, you probably are. Just cause you get it in with her doesn't mean they particularly want a relationship with you, so don't force that either. 

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On 11/1/2019 at 7:50 PM, DrOfNothingYet said:

 Don't get obsessed over girls. 

that's not really the point. i dont care about girls. i just wonder if i'll ever get the chance to have a normal middle class life with a wife and a couple kids. i dont mind being single rn but i just have 0 prospects atm. if my life were to hypothetically stay the same as it is rn i'll be single forever lol

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Well at this point our guess is as good as yours if you'll ever get the chance to have a normal middle class life with 2 kids and a wife. It's 50/50.

Better start caring about girls, creating some potential by making friends with girls(that you may or may not "like" in that way) ...perhaps one day they're a middle man between you and one of their girlfriends that you'd never have gotten a chance to meet. Call it networking?

gonna say the "normal middle class" life is out the window if you want to be a doctor and you're hoping to meet a female who's also aspiring to be a doctor. Perhaps you'll need to find a girl who wants to be a stay at home Mom rather than an aspiring professional.

I didn't really mean dont get obsessed over girls as if I was saying you're obsessing over girls. I just meant don't think too much about girls and how it's all going to work out. It'll happen when it happens if you've at least had it on the back burner in your mind and have been low-key paying attention to girls in the sense you're not dismissing girls because "you dont care right now" about them. I.e don't have a point in time in your mind of when where and how you're going to meet this girl. It doesn't work that way. You have just as good of a chance as meeting a future spouse at a supermarket, a friends birthday, through a girl you are friends with, as you do in med school. Go out to party's at school even if you don't party or drink...just go for a couple hours and shoot the shit and leave. It's about maximizing your chances. It's about approaching the female you are attracted to, regardless of when or where, see what happens, maybe she's the one but you didn't figure it out cause you never said Hi, I'm XX how's it going? ...  Everyone has the same chance of meeting their future spouse. Some people force it to work, some people are truly happy, and some people just didn't figure it until they're 40 and now they're behind. We all start with the same potential, it's what you do with it is the difference.

I'm not a therapist so this probably doesn't sound like super well organized advice... just take it with a grain of salt, not so literally. Just spitting out some ideas.e

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