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Happpy

Starting Med School and getting your partner on board

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Hi all, 

Does anyone have any advice on having conversations with a partner about going to med school? 

If I didn't end up going, we would still live a comfortable life and be able to purchase a home within the next year -- med school would mean possible moving and putting that milestone off. 

It would also mean we may have children while I don't have paid maternity leave, or that caring for the kids while they are young would be more complicated. 

My partner also comes from a blue-collar family so this is all very new to him and I think he is a bit intimidated by what it would take and his partner being a physician -- has anyone dealt with this before?

I've tried looking out for resources on non-trad stories, but haven't found any blogs that really speak to my situation -- in late 20s, not yet married/no kids, wanting to buy a house with partner in near future. 

 

Any resources or first hand advice welcome!

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Have a open and honest conversation about your life's goals and ambitions... nothing much to it other than that!   Do as much research yourself on what the process of medicine/residency entails, so you are knowledgeable and can have a proper conversation.  Many people in their late 20s go to medical school, nothing atypical about it.  There is never a perfect time/situation to have kids. Many people do it during medicine. For sure more hurdles and obligations. 

In general what is your current career?  What is it that you hope to get out of medicine?  

Mind you, you might not even get into medical school - but if you go in with the mindset that you will get in, then yes its 100% a conversation you need to have with your partner. 

Unmarried, but buying a house in near future - i'm assuming you live in a low-cost of living area? Is there a medical school close to you? Portability of partner's work? Buying a home with the thought of medical school/moving around might not co-exist well either. 

 

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Hi Happy,

I was in your exact situation 2 years ago. 

Echo what John said above, to have an open and honest conversation.

Medical school is only temporary. It won't last forever. Yes, it'll may slightly put your family plans back a bit, but at the end of the day, it really depends on you and your partners values.

If your partner is not supportive of your dreams and feels intimidated by your future position as a physician, then you may need to have a good look at what your priorities are. 

Going to medical school in your late twenties is definitely doable. I got into medical school when I was 27. My partner and I relocated from BC to Ontario.  I graduate next year and plan on getting married before starting residency. During residency, I plan to have kids (you get paid mat leave). 

I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck. 

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15 minutes ago, Butterfly_ said:

If your partner is not supportive of your dreams and feels intimated by your future position as a physician, then you may need to have a good look at what your priorities are. 

and before marriage and kids :P 

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I wanted to add to this, you mentioned that your partner may be intimidated, fair enough. Might be the case. But your partner is also entitled to their own perspective, and they might just have different priorities. Having an open conversation about what medical school and a career in medicine entails is important, but you also need to realize that they might just not be ok with the sacrifices that it would entail... If your partner reluctantly agrees with your decision, they may seriously resent you later down the road. Just as you would resent them for giving up on pursuing medicine. And as I would recommend anyone, if you are having difficulty communicating, getting a third party to help you both work through this together is a always a great option. I wish you both the best. :)

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On 6/17/2020 at 3:54 PM, Happpy said:

Hi all, 

Does anyone have any advice on having conversations with a partner about going to med school? 

If I didn't end up going, we would still live a comfortable life and be able to purchase a home within the next year -- med school would mean possible moving and putting that milestone off. 

It would also mean we may have children while I don't have paid maternity leave, or that caring for the kids while they are young would be more complicated. 

My partner also comes from a blue-collar family so this is all very new to him and I think he is a bit intimidated by what it would take and his partner being a physician -- has anyone dealt with this before?

I've tried looking out for resources on non-trad stories, but haven't found any blogs that really speak to my situation -- in late 20s, not yet married/no kids, wanting to buy a house with partner in near future. 

 

Any resources or first hand advice welcome!

I started med school at 28, my bf grew up in a blue-collared family and is working a blue-collared job. We started dating after I started med school though, so my situation is different in that he knew what he was getting into. I drafted this response with his input:

More more info would be helpful here: what do you mean "he is a bit intimidated by what it would take and his partner being a physician"? As in he doesn't feel great about being burdened financial and household responsibilities while you're studying and working? Or that he's not comfortable with the idea of you being the main breadwinner? Is the idea of you going to med school something that's just brought up recently or has he known about it since the beginning?

If he's reluctant about the idea and you both are aware of the multiple facets of this situation, no amount of tactful conversation will make him feel better about it or not feel resentful down the road. It's fair if he's more focused on just moving on to the milestones, especially if making the sacrifices you stated is not what he signed up for in the beginning of the relationship. On the flip side, if being a physician is so important to you and he sees that, and he's invested in the relationship enough to want to buy a home and start a family with you, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to take the back seat for the next few years so you can fulfill your life goals. Of course, you'd also have to be willing to make sacrifices. e.g. are you okay with perhaps going to FM to shorten your training time? (that's the first one that came to mind, I'm sure there are other ways). Also, yes you will have to delay some life plans but in the end, if you are smart about making business-minded decisions for your MD career (i.e. not train for years and years to be an academic sub-specialist that might be under-employed and not paid well), with his support you can can both build a more comfortable and stable life than what you have now.  Those would be good things to discuss so that both of you are on the same page about what your future might look like.

 

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