Anxiety And Depression

[pouchofdouglas]

Hello all,

I'm posting because I have started to have serious problems with anxiety and depression since mid second semester of first year. I'm in 2nd year now but am debating taking a year off to regroup. 

 

My heart sincerely goes out to anyone who has had to deal with this since it is by far the most difficult and painful thing I've dealt with in my life. Like many of you, medicine has been my dream for quite some time now and I was on top of the world at the beginning of first year after working my butt off to get in. However, to me, it is definitely not worth the pain I am suffering from right now. I don't want to go to class, don't want to study and I have no motivation to socialize or play sports (things which I normally love doing!). It has really changed who I am. I am seeking as much help as I can right now but it is still really hard.

 

I am so stuck right now because I don't know what to do. On one hand, I want to take time off to help my mental health recover. On the other hand, it would suck to do this because all my friends would be moving on without me, I'd have to move back home, and worst of all, I would have no idea what to do with my time. Staying in school could be beneficial, but it could also make things worse. I've flip flopped many times about what to do. 

 

Has anyone out there had to take time off for mental health reasons? I've seriously debated just dropping everything. If this is what it's going to take to become a doctor then it is not worth it. I recognize that I must take care of myself first before my patients, but still don't know how to go about doing that. Any advice or similar stories would really help me out. I feel pretty alone although I do have a pretty awesome support system.

-POD

[Birdy]

I am not in med school yet, but I have spent a lot of time managing anxiety and depression in my very busy life.

 

IMO, time off isn't necessarily the answer. I think you really need to talk to your physician or go be seen at a mental health clinic to explore your options, if you haven't already. For me personally (can't say how this would be for you) time off is probably one of the worst things I can do to deal with mental health struggles because the lack of any sort of routine or expectations makes me worse. I *like* having things to keep me busy, and seeing how much easier my daily life got as I clawed my way out of the pit was a great way of seeing how well I was doing. I don't know if you are that way, but it's worth keeping in mind that while many people think time off is a necessity to recover, that's not always the case. Really depends on you.

 

Good luck. It is very hard to deal with and I've been there, but seeking help is the most important thing you can do and it seems you are already doing that. Good on you for being so mindful of your needs.

[medici]

Go to your campus walk-in clinic or your mental health counselor. Explain the situation. They give you some strategies to recover. Go from there.

[MD2015]

In addition to seeking mental health counseling, I would drop out and not risk very low grades and trying to justify them due to special circumstances for med school. There is life outside university and I encourage you to become involved in worthwhile activities in your community which will be helpful to you, keep you busy and be beneficial for your eventual application to med school down the road. Your friends moving on is not relevant to your own life path. Focus on your life, not theirs, take one day at a time and I wish you well.

[Worry]

Most likely you can request and get permission for a leave of absent to deal with your health. Don't just walk away without leaving this door open you may regret it.

[ralk]

Get help from someone who's not talking to you over the internet. Every school will have some support systems available, some medical schools even have them in-house. You need to work through exactly what it is about medical school that is becoming so depressing before deciding on a course of action.

 

Some people get overwhelmed by the pressure of medical school and earnestly benefit from some time off. They come back refreshed, focused, and able to handle the difficulties.

 

Some people realize that medicine really wasn't what they expected. There's a lot of mysticism surrounding becoming a physician that doesn't pan out in real life, and frankly we do a very poor job dispelling those false perceptions. Many of these people revise their expectations, as we all have to at some point, and continue on. A few discover that this is really not the path they want and wisely move onto other things.

 

Some others are like Birdy (I put myself in that camp) and are happier when busier. In that case, taking time off could make things even worse, while doubling down and finding projects to direct your energy can actually be invigorating.

 

Point is, depression comes in a lot of forms and has a lot of causes. Med school can trigger a lot of those causes. Figuring out the "Why?" helps considerably in figuring out the "What next?" - and that's something only in-person support can really help you to work through.

[Sigmund Freud]

I have similar mental health concerns as you, and am currently around the same stage as you in terms of sorting my life out. (You are not alone!  )

 

As others have stated, the situation is dependent on you, however, I'd suggest that your first action should be to either pay a visit to your family doctor or to the walk-in clinic at your school to address your health concerns to a GP. They will be able to help you directly or refer you to the right people. I did this when I moved back for school a few weeks ago, and it was definitely a step in the right direction, they were able to refer me to a GPP (GP Psychotherapist) on campus, whom I'm meeting next week (although, I'm very lucky to have gotten in this quickly because it's typically a 3 month wait).

 

I would also suggest meeting a regular counsellor on campus, I did this during my first year (and am continuing this year), and I liked the fact that I had someone who was there for me and allowed me to vent with no judgement. 

 

The above two points are ones that I really urge you to do, especially since many people find these helpful, not just myself. The rest of my reply will be purely based on my own experience and should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

Personally, I couldn't take time off because it'd be the worst thing for my health and wellbeing. However, this may be a good option for you, it depends on yourself and your situation; I'd definitely suggest speaking with a GP or a mental health care professional about this. The main reasons as to why I personally wouldn't choose to take time off is: I would have to return home where my issues are rooted, my hometown has nothing for me to do (i.e. no jobs or volunteering positions for me), and working towards a goal keeps me going and helps me remain optimistic (for me, aiming for medical school is a "beacon of hope" that keeps me going. It's the fact that I'm working towards a better and happier life - a job that I feel I would enjoy, although this can change with time - that keeps me positive, it's the fact that I'm building a structure in what literally feels like chaos at times). Have you ever thought of doing a reduced course load? This may be more beneficial to you than completely pulling out of school for a while, but, like myself and many others have said, it's totally dependant on you and your situation. 

 

I would also like to leave you with my motto that I've made for this point of my life: "Through adversity I learn." (I may change this a little in the months to come, but this still represents my general motto) To me, this is a reminder that every struggle I go through today will lead to a stronger person tomorrow who is more resilient than ever before. It also remains a reminder that all adversity I face is a learning experience, a chance for growth, in which I gain the experience and insight to be better able to serve those who may be suffering through similar issues. It tells me that my personal journey can be transformed into wisdom and teachings that I may utilize to better treat and empathize with my future patients (essentially, my current struggles are an opportunity to improve the lives and wellbeing of others/my future patients - indirectly, of course). 

 

I wish you the best of luck my friend! Feel free to reply below or PM me if you have any additional questions for me. 

[pouchofdouglas]

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your kind words of support and advice. I really do appreciate it.

It is nice to know that I am not the only one out there suffering and that there are people out there that care. I am currently seeing a counsellor with the faculty and they have fast tracked me to see a psychiatrist. I am also working with my GP but really think I would benefit from someone with more experience in mental health. 

 

Perhaps the scariest thing is how strong my urge is to do nothing, including medicine. I hate it right now but I also can't see myself doing anything else. I've never been pressured into medicine by my parents, family or friends so I don't feel like I'm living a dream vicariously through anyone. I've since taken personality tests online and all of them come back with healthcare professional at the top and/or helping others so that has been reassuring. I just keep thinking maybe I can't handle the stress if this is what happened to me after one year of med school. For now, studying is extremely difficult since I am constantly tired and my focus has gone down the drain. 

 

Unfortunately part time school is not an option. I am allowed to take a one year leave of absence with no penalty (other than CaRMS seeing it). Ralk, I like what you said about taking time off and becoming refreshed. I feel like time off would help me recover fully and I could better handle stress. As of now I am doing a lot to help the situation but nothing seems to be working. I've been meditating, exercising daily, eating extremely healthy, seeking counselling, doing self-help CBT and forcing myself to socialize. Unfortunately, I am still feeling pretty crappy. Definitely the most difficult time in my life that's for sure. Perhaps a silver lining in all of this and one thing I am grateful for is that it has given me a huge newfound appreciation for mental health. If I ever become a physician, I feel strongly that I will better be able to empathize with mental health patients and treat them accordingly. 

 

Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone again for being so supportive, it really means a lot  . For those of you battling mental health issues as well, I wish you all the success in the world. For aspiring and current med students, my only advice is take care of yourselves. It's clear that depression rates are twice as high in medical students compared to the general population. Don't let school take over your life like it did to me!

 

Don't know what I'm going to do still but it's nice to know premed101 has my back lol. 

Thanks again guys,

POD

[makingfetchhappen]

POD,

 

I hope that you are starting to feel better, it sounds like you are doing everything right (CBT, mindfulness, exercise, good food, and counseling). You say it's scary how strong the urge to do nothing is, yup, that's depression all right! But obviously you are resilient if you are able to keep trying to fight your way out of it the way you are.

It sounds from the tone of your messages that you are definitely not ready to drop out of medicine. You are already in the program and you do not want to give that up without some serious thought. This sounds like your first bout of depression in your life. Many people experience these in their early 20s and they learn what works for them and how to cope and get through it. Taking a year's leave of absence would be a less drastic action and if you have a strong urge to drop out, I would take the year leave of absence to look before you leap. If you do so, you should have a plan to keep busy. Idleness makes depression worse that's for sure (but obviously being too busy and stressed can be a cause of depression too). In my experience, having a routine that you can enjoy is some of the best medicine.

I am curious as to why do you think this has come on now? Maybe it is not medicine that you dislike, but things that come along with it.

Are you aiming for a competitive specialty? If so, you may want to consider if you want to take a less strenuous path than the one you are aiming for.

Do you find yourself externalizing some of the type-A attitudes of the people around you? If so, you may want to put some of that CBT to good use and see if you can regain a healthier perspective.

This is just my two cents from my personal experience. Sometimes I have found myself aiming for things that were just not right for me and too stressful, and I've needed to dial myself back and reconfigure my goals. Sometimes I have been around very successful people and not realized that they are successful despite some of their attitudes towards work, stress, and taking care of themselves, not because of them.

[pouchofdouglas]

UPDATE

 

Hi all,

 

I know this an old post but it's been viewed quite a few times. I ended up taking a year off and it was the best decision of my life. I got my mental and physical health back on track and am now back to full time studies in medicine and thriving. 

 

During my year off, I developed a lot of wellness strategies that I worked on turning into habits (exercise, sleep, diet and meditation being the cardinal ones). Most important of all, I learned to take care of myself before I tried to take care and please others. 

 

Going through medical school is an ultra-marathon. I suffered severe depression but was able to get out of it by working hard, finding the right medication, and surrounding myself with a support system of friends, family and healthcare professionals. I see in my colleagues and friends that a lot of them are currently going through the same thing or have gone through in the past but refuse help because of the stigma. 

 

I think it's extremely important to know that you're not alone. I felt so alone in my darkest days. I'm writing this message to let you know that you can reach out to me at any time if you're struggling with anything. I reached out to someone on premed 101 during my depression and it helped me immensely. 

 

Thanks guys!

POD

[EchoMike]

Hey that is great to hear! I am currently in my first year and seriously struggling with anxiety and what could be a personality disorder. Medical school is already hard enough and having something else to have to deal with makes it seem like an almost impossible task. I just wanted you to know that it is very uplifting to see that things worked out for you and gives me motivation to keep on pushing forward. Best of luck in all of your studies!  

[Arztin]

I'm glad to read this. Total success in your case.

To all those who are in 1st year and struggling, know that most students struggle for different reasons:

- not being top of the class anymore, and having a hard time accepting that

- not feeling like you know anything

- not feeling like you will ever be good enough or competent enough

- not being able to learn everything as well as in UG

- just having a lot less time

- exams exams and more exams

- constant flux of new material

- many moved to a new city without their former circle of friends or support network

- add something else, breakup etc...

and a breakdown is very very easy.

At my school, the last day was a ''massive'' PBL session where we wrote our struggles, and pretty much everyone had the same struggles, i.e. the ones I just mentionned here. I was shocked, because I didn't know the vast majority of struggled to a point with one of multiple of these points.

So for the med1s, know that you are not alone in your struggle and don't hesitate to seek help if you need to! Same goes for aspiring undergrads! 

[ellorie]

Glad to hear you're doing well, POD

[ellorie]

Also, pro tip - if you have or think you have a mental health condition, get disability insurance as early as possible, and definitely speak to a broker about the best way to make things work.

 

I have a no-medical policy that I signed in medical school, and my understanding is that if I were to try to switch or get a new policy now, with any kind of mental health issue, my options would be severely limited and likely I'd not be able to get a policy that would cover me for anything psychiatric.  I am super super grateful that I signed up when I did, and managed to get a policy that didn't ask any medical questions.