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Schulich2019

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Posts posted by Schulich2019

  1. On 8/7/2019 at 11:00 PM, lifeadvice said:

    This is a throwaway account. I am a well-known member here so I made an alt account for stuff like this, just for the sake of cautiousness. 

    First of all, why should you listen to me? I don't know that you should, or whether or not you want to, it's purely up to you. But I will say that having overcome many self-esteem, confidence and anxiety issues, I think of myself as attractive, self-directed, athletic, charming, confident, and I have the capability of being vulnerable and empathic. I have never really had 'trouble' with women in the sense of not ever having kissed or been intimate with, formed a serious relationship with, had multiple casual sexual partners, etc. I've done all of that many times over.  However, I did still struggle with a lot of issues that I believe you struggle with. Deeper, more fundamental concerns. However, it was a long journey from zero to here. 

    Anyways, here goes.

    Buckle in for a long ride, Schulich2019. This journey will not be short. The issue you have, largely, is not one of "I have no experience with women" and your goal, in fact, should not be "I want to be in a relationship." Your goal rather, should be, "I want to be a confident, self-assured person who knows myself, my principles, my boundaries, my strengths and weaknesses, and has the sense of self and courage to learn, to grow, and to change myself at my will."

    Your journey should be one of self-development and the study of yourself, not one of how to relate to the opposite sex in order to have sex, have relationships, or settle down. This may seem like a curious and ill-guided aside, a distraction from what you believe will make you happy, fulfilled, or a whole person. But the entire reason why your focus should be on yourself, rather than others, is because it behoves you to be focused on the process, rather than the result.

    Overthinking the result, which in this case is a desire to becoming intimate with the opposite sex, is precisely what causes irrationality, desperation, an inability to see the truth clearly, and the escapism that prevents you from addressing true root causes. Why have you never had sex? Why have you never kissed someone? Why do you feel awkward when you approach a stranger? Despite their initial superficiality, or the misguided idea that these questions are easy to answer, they in act are NOT surface level questions with answers like "I never had time," "I am too shy," or "I don't want to bother people." No. The true answers are much, much deeper and more profound. They revolve around things like "I don't believe I'm worthy of other people's attention," "I don't think of myself as a competent individual," and "I don't love myself."

    In order to really get to the bottom of this you have to do a few things, all simultaneously, none of which are any less or more important than the other.

    1. Know yourself.

    Can you answer me a question? Who are you? What do you value? What are you passionate about? What do you look for in order people? Who do you want to be? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Where do your boundaries lie? What are your principles? These aren't talking points or interview questions. These questions, despite their apparent commonality, are not things for you to blabber on about on dates (although you can). On the contrary, these are questions to ask oneself that aid in building a foundation of "Who I Am". Truly pondering these ideas requires being vulnerable and open to the answers you have for yourself, many of which, at the end of it, you may not like at all. They allow you to formulate an idea of what it is you want in life. You may be surprised to learn that the things you thought you wanted were in fact a story you told yourself, perpetuated by friends, family, society, social media, popular media, and any number of other influences, into an internalized dreamscape of expectation that you willingly incorporated into your own mind. In fact, perhaps they aren't things you actually care about or value, but rather, you find yourself being quite remiss at the idea of following what others are doing, living your life the way that everyone else seems to do for themselves. Indeed, upon deciding what you want in life, or at least beginning to formulate an idea in the present, then in a self-loving manner, principles & boundaries begin to form. Principles and boundaries help dictate the way you behave, what relationships you value and don't value, when to say yes, and when to say no (and most importantly, your confidence in definitively saying yes or no), and they give you the fundamental courage you have to go after things that you want, and avoid things you do not. It may be shocking to realize at some point in your life and in your journey of self-study that a large a lot of people think they know what they want, and they will tell themselves and others this, but have not introspected to the point of truly knowing themselves. Mindfulness & meditation are some primary key tools you can use to boil down who you are, to get back to your roots, before you unlearned yourself, and put on a mask to show for the world. 

    2. Build confidence

    There are 3 layers of confidence. The first layer is surface confidence. This is the way you present yourself to the world. It's the way you act and speak. This can be faked. Most people do fake it, on a regular basis. That means physicians. That means used car salesmen. That means the barista making you your coffee. Everybody fakes it. That's fine. This doesn't mean it's bad, it can be good, as the top layer of confidence can bleed into the lower two. However, it's important to remember that the first layer of confidence is completely insufficient. It's also important to remember that a lot of people you will meet or hear about will APPEAR confident from the outside, but don't mistake this for an unshakable sense of self. Their lower two layers may be crumbling, and they only have the top layer to rely on. The second layer is lifestyle confidence. This means any external factor in your life that you can garner confidence, self-worth, self-esteem from. This could be your career, your car, your apartment, the friends you have, the dog you have, the Rolex you just bought, the vacation you just went on, how many Instagram followers you have, your talents, your six-pack abs, your 400-lb deadlift. It doesn't particularly matter. The key thing to remember about this second layer is that a) it's all external and b) it's like a mosaic grid of squares that make up a big assembly of confidence that you can pull from when you need to. The issue is two-fold: 1. many people have far, far too few squares and 2. even those who have many, often have 1 or 2 squares or aspects of their life that they derive far, far too much confidence & self-worth from. They're over-leveraged, over-invested in a couple of things. They're one or two track people. There are a LOT of these types in professional fields. Folks who derive all of their self-worth from their academic, professional or financial position. Why do you think finance folks jump off of buildings during market crashes? Why do you think you hear stories of people who fall into the deepest of darkest of depressions after a break-up or divorce? It's because they derived far, far too much of their confidence, self-esteem, and sense of identity & purpose from one or two things that ultimately, they did not really have the control over its robustness or stability. Be cautious about being the master of one. The third level of confidence is core confidence. This is what remains once nothing in the second layer remains. You lose your job. You lose your friends. Your girlfriend breaks up with you. You fall into financial ruin. You get sick with cancer. You lose your body because you can't work out anymore. Etc. What do you have left? Can you keep going? No one says you can't be upset, distraught, dissapointed, but you cannot be at a loss. Core confidence is the self-assuredness of knowing that whatever happens, you will be okay. You will find a way to make the best of the situation, and continue on. You must work at building all 3 layers of confidence simultaneously. This means knowing yourself (building core confidence), developing hobbies, interests and investing your time in productive things (building lifestyle confidence), and learning how to present yourself the way that you want to present yourself (surface confidence). Do not be a house of cards that relies too much on one level. Build a castle.

    3. Cultivate your mindset, attitude, and perspective.

    People go to the gym to exercise their physical body. They do this to remain physically active and healthy. You must, absolutely must, do the same for your mental health and wellbeing. You must cultivate an expansive and positive atittude toward yourself and toward the world. People more than ever focus on their specific problems--their depression, their lack of motivation, their social inadequacies, their boredom. But what governs all of these seemingly separate problems is our attitude, how we view the world on a daily basis. It is how we see and interpret events. Improve the overall attitude and everything else will elevate as well, including our relationships with people. A negative, constricted attitude is designed to narrow down the richness of life in such a way that it only becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and eliminates our potential, our sense of fulfillment, and our lust for life. Instead, in the words of Robert Greene, "see yourself as an explorer. With the gift of consciousness, you stand before a vast and unknown universe that we humans have just begun to investigate... as an explorer you leave all... certainty behind you." This is the attitude that views adversity as an opportunity, that views failure as a success, and that views optimism as essential. I assure you that these values will carry you far in terms of your ability to take steps and make changes in your life, regardless of what avenue it's in.

    4. Fuck around. Have fun. Get rejected.

    Let's focus more on the issue at hand now. Earlier I mentioned not being concerned with the result, but rather being in love with the process (of becoming a self-assured & self-realized, confident & capable, empathetic & sensitive human being). This means that you will fuck up. You will have your heart broken. You will break hearts. You will be rejected, and reject. You will fumble, foil, fail, fall foolishly in the mess that is human relationships, dating, sex, whatever. That's okay. That's the point. No one was born instantly able to attract, charm, connect, build with people. The people who do this the best are the people who did it the worst previously. Don't hold yourself to an unreasonable standard so early in your journey.

    5. Don't get tied up in time.

    It will always, inevitably, be temping to rush yourself, to think that you're behind, and to think that everyone else seems to have it wholly together, being successful in their relationships and their lives and any number of other things you have not yet acquired. It may seem that you're late, as everyone else speeds ahead, and in your frustration you fall into the trap of insisting that you should get what you want NOW, or at least very soon, if only because it seems quite unfair that seemingly everyone else should be enjoying the spoils of life while you waste your time merely trying to achieve them.

    This is an illusion. Aside from the fact that it is ludicrous to think, without any doubt, that everyone else has everything we don't and has not gone through the struggles we possess, but even if that were to be true, we must be strong and assured in the idea that our toils are not governed by time, but rather only by progress. It is essential only that we take it one day at a time, and simply try to be better tomorrow. Despite slow progress, despite bumps in the road, despite the surface confidence and surface appearance of others discouraging us, we stay in our own lane, at our own pace, with the knowledge and solace that our journey is our own. If we know ourselves, and if we treat ourselves with the self-love and self-respect we so truly deserve, time is no issue. Do not live in, and regret, the past, and do not live in, and expect too much from, the future. Everything you have and are is in the here and the now, and though at first this may seem like a frightening thought, it may be in fact, the single truism of life that grants us the courage, power, and ability to know ourselves, become who we would like to be, and treat both ourselves and the world with love, kindness, and gratitude.

    I did not want this post to be just about women, sex, and relationships. However, if you'd like to discuss that in anymore detail with me, please feel free to PM me.

    I read this comment multiple times because there were certain unspoken truths within it that I’ve tried to hide from and push aside. I think its very true that I lack self confidence. Often, when talking to anyone, one of my primary worries is being hyper aware for signs that they're judging me or are annoyed by my presence. When I see an attractive woman walking with her partner, I focus almost all of my attention on her partner, not her as I try to rationalize what makes him better than me. These are all things that I know I have to change, but will take time and effort to do so. 

     

     

  2. 20 hours ago, lisasimpson said:

    Wow this thread is really...something 

    anyway hey OP, girl here to give some advice:

    - it’s really easy to get into pickup artist/red pill/“game” ideas online and that shit is poisonous. do not do this.

    - the way you talk about women is interesting - you mentioned upthread that you feel uncomfortable interacting in anything other than a “cordial” way. why is that? is it the case with all women or just some? what makes us different than your male friends? think about where this is coming from. we’re just regular people like you. is your social world all men? do you have women who are friends or mentors? do you read books and watch movies made by women? if not, that’s something to change.

    - do you like yourself? if we went out for a drink would you feel like you would have things you’re passionate about that you like discussing? is there anything good in your life right now that isn’t med school? focus on that. lots of people say “be confident” but it’s easier to do that when you’re happy and you’re learning new things and doing stuff you enjoy.

    Good luck in med school!

     

    -I don't pay any attention to the pick up artist / red pill bs that was posted earlier. I'm a pretty proud feminist and I did a lot of work for various organizations helping disadvantaged women in the indigenous community etc. 

    -The reason I can't bring myself to talk to women in a context outside of purely professional or academic is because my greatest fear is coming off as a creep or making a woman uncomfortable. This gives me a lot of anxieties which have resulted in me basically avoiding approaching any girls. My best friend is my sister so I would say she's the only woman that I have a close relationship with outside of a school/work setting.

    -Obviously right now I''m most excited about getting accepted into medicine, but I'm pretty politically active, a movie fanatic, and workout. I'm also a history buff, like I have a library of about 50 thick books about ancient Rome and Greece that I've read which can come off a bit intimidating to people that see it for the first time, lol. My personal hero is Alexander the great.

    I don't however have the opportunity to share my passions with women due to the aforementioned reasons above.

    Thank you for your best wishes 

  3. 3 hours ago, rmorelan said:

    There are always to important or at least clear points in the process - one is when people on the normal waitlist start reporting getting pulled, and the other is when people that selected London as their first choice are accepted off the waitlist to Windsor. The reason for the latter being important is we actually know the size of the Windsor class, and that puts an upper bound on the number of remaining positions. You can estimate the number of people that picked it as first choice - relatively smaller number even though again honest Windsor is a great place to do med school - and start to see how close we would be to the end. 

    I wouldn't say it is abnormal - I just lost track of where we were with the ha rather long schedule I am on right now. 

     

    I spent the time between my interview and May 14 neurotically tracking waitlist movement and patterns based on premed 101 posts for the past 5+ years. Based on that, what happened this year is pretty unusual. Most of the time, everyone who is accepted through unspecified campus on may 14 gets London Campus, and a good chunk of the high waitlist also gets London Campus. This year, the high waitlist started to clear into windsor right from the start. Wheter this means there will be less waitlist movement overall remains to be seen, usually the waitlist moves through 70-80 people in total. 

  4. Alright getting a little off track guys. I think everything that was to be said about his has been said, some of you were even helpful through private messages and I thank you for that.

     

    I've never settled for anything in my life and I won't start now. I'm going to work on myself and incorporate the advice I've been given. 

  5. 29 minutes ago, jr2 said:

    Going to the gym can make a world of a difference for your self-confidence in the dating market (if ur not doing so already). Plus, our generation is extremely shallow when it comes to choosing partners, esp. when it comes to dating apps or meeting people at parties/bars. Like others have already mentioned, always be respectful and don't look for love in the wrong places. While hooking up at a party or using Tinder may work fine for someone who's been getting laid since high school, I recommend you try and find someone through mutual  friends, activities,  or study groups first. That might be a better place to start. Also, don't be too shallow or looks-oriented....the nerdy, cute, quiet girl in your lecture is prob more compatible for you than some random hot person twerking on tables at a London bar. I know this sounds a bit more shallow/callous than what was shared above, but I wanted to be totally real with you. As a side note, I was also a late bloomer, but in my case it was b/c of life circumstances beyond my control. Things are better now, but I know how it feels. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't let anyone intimidate or belittle you for being sexually inexperienced. You sound like a wonderful guy and I wish you the best. :) 

    I've been lifting since last year and I think I'm slightly overweight currently (6'1, 225 lbs). I'm pretty strong with the stereotypical V-shaped body and broad shoulders (people often comment on them), so I don't think I look bad but who knows ...

     

    Also I thank you for your advice but reading that I might not be good enough for a girl and might have to "settle down" for someone less desirable (in my eye, obviously don't mean to objectify anyone) is not exactly heartening to hear ... not sure if that's what you intended to get across, but I would much rather work on my self and improve so that I can be with someone that I truly want to be with, rather than accept being unhappy. 

  6. 21 hours ago, bigboydyo said:

    All jokes aside, trying to find someone that you can build an intimate relationship is actually very similar to applying to med school. The process is long and filled with multiple rejections -- but all it takes it one of them to be the right fit for you for it to work. With that being, my actual actionable advice to you would be:

    1) If you meet a girl even remotely attractive look-wise/personality-wise, offer to keep in touch with her, and then message her and see if she wants to go for a coffee/lunch with you ==> build it from there. Just make sure you remain open minded with your options here! You could fall in love just by talking to someone that you didn't find particularly attractive at first by getting to know them more. Worst case, if you really don't find them interesting you could always fall back. 

    2) Go to parties/chillings hosted by people in your cohort (ex.: frosh, frat parties). Those are great environments for getting to know ppl and you could literally end up hitting all the milestones you mentioned with a girl the night of if the attraction is mutual.

    3) Tinder/bumble are also legit and fkin good. Just make sure you give a genuine and interesting bio + ask a female friend of yours to judge which set of pics to use. 

    How do I offer to keep in touch with a girl? Again this stuff may seem easy to you guys but I guess I'm just socially deficient when it comes to this because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to interact with women in any manner that isn't purely cordial. What do I message a girl that I'm interested in? 

     

    Again I haven't really gone to parties in my life so far but I will perhaps start doing that. On the occasions that I have gone to a party or bar, I've spent the entire time with my male friends and have noticed attractive women around me, but almost all of them will be there with a guy. 

     

     

  7. 22 hours ago, Elgar said:

    You'll be meeting plenty of new people when you'll start school, and about half of students in med are women, so I wouldn't worry too much about it for now! ! And if you find someone you love and loves you back, you'll definitely have time for her if it's what you want in your life.

    About dating apps.... it's just luck and randomness. Some people have found the love of their life on the first try, others collect awkward dates. Typically, the second is more common. I've personally never used Tinder/Bumble because I have been in a relationship for the past 5 years years and these apps weren't as popular back then (or at least I didn't know about them at the time), but if I was single now I think I'd prefer that to dating in bars. However, I did meet my partner on Facebook while both of us commented on a mutual friend's post. We both felt a good connection and a desire to know each other better, so it led to exchange of personal messages to meeting and dating.

    So my advice is just to keep an open mind (could lead you to dating apps!), and if you're looking for a long lasting relationship, you may need to be patient before you find someone right for you if you're not the type to fall in love easily. 

    Did you initiate the personal messages on facebook? If so, how did you do so without feeling extremely awkward? like a simple "what's up?" 

     

    There have been times when girls that i've been interested in me have added me on facebook or dropped some hints in person, but I feel they were waiting for me to make a move and I have no idea how to do so without feeling awkward. 

  8. 1 hour ago, YesIcan55 said:

    this is the most cringe story/advice I have ever heard. OP please ignore this

    I would never do something as uncomfortable as that, thanks for the caution though lol. 

     

    But i havent received much advice other than “just be confident around girls.” Thats the thing, i think i am confident around everyone, but it’s never resulted in anything. Also, thats like telling an obese person “just dont eat so much”...

     

    do any of you guys have positive experiences with dating apps like tinder or bumble?

  9. Hello,

    I've been admitted to a couple of schools but will be attending Schulich this fall. That's great and all, but I feel like I'm missing out on a big part of life: dating. I've never had a girlfriend, never held hands or kissed a girl, and am obviously a virgin. I don't think I'm weird around girls, I would actually consider myself to be a socially competent individual. I've just never gotten around to being with a girl. I feel too awkward approaching a stranger, and unfortunately most of my social circle consists of males.

     

    Will things be different in medical school? I really want to have a partner that I can trust who shares my passions. I'm sick of doing things with the same group of guys, even though I do love them as friends. But I really want a girlfriend, even though I'm not sure if the opportunity will arise in medical school. How should I approach things in medical school? Do people usually date fellow classmates, will I have any free time to be in a relationship, etc? What are some environments in Western that allow people to meet girls and strike up a conversation? I'm not the type of personality that likes to frequent bars and clubs, but at this point I'm open to anything to be honest. 

     

    Thank you for your help

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