Extremely embarrassed to be asking this question but would really appreciate the advice

[throwaway756 1]

Hi everyone! 

Created this account just because I'm too embarrassed to be posting this on my usual one.

I recently received an offer for medical school and I'm extremely grateful for it. I've also come to learn that quite a few students from my middle school and high school have also been accepted. The class I've been accepted into is extremely small.

During my middle school and high school years, I was bullied by these very same people. I was an outcast and it was horrible. To be quite honest, the experience has had a huge impact on me. When I graduated, I knew for a fact I wanted to move out of the province for a new start. Things have been great for my undergrad! Lots of friends and just genuinely being happy. 

Now that I know I will be with these students again, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being an outcast again. I do not want to spend 4 years of medical school not having people in my program that I can turn to, especially ones going through the exact same experiences as me. 

It's been to the point where I seriously considered declining the offer because of how I feel. however, I feel like this would be the stupidest decision given how badly I want to pursue a career in medicine and how hard I have worked for it. 

I know for some this might sound like such an immature case, but the negative impact those high school and middle school days have had on me has stayed with me. The premed101 community has always been supportive and given great advice. I'm really just asking for some advice or even just someone to listen.  

[Lactic Folly 375]

Hi - although your distressing past experiences have left an impact on you, you have evidently had the strength to move on and make a fresh start, developing satisfying interpersonal relationships and succeeding in gaining admission to medical school. You should be commended on rising above your previous experiences and living well as a way of overcoming the actions of those who tried to put you down. If you let them hold you back now, it would negate the gains you have made, effectively letting them 'win.'

You may be surprised - people may develop more moral conscience as they mature, and could regret their previous actions. However, even if they don't, you don't need your classmates to successfully get through medical school. Interacting with people going through the same experiences as you is not necessarily a blessing, as it can also mean competition. Most schools will have student advisors and students from upper years to provide guidance. For emotional support, you have your family and friends outside medical school.

Don't worry about socializing in medical school - your goal is to become a doctor, so just pass your exams in pre-clerkship and conduct yourself professionally throughout your clerkship rotations. Maintain a polite distance from your former classmates and if anyone instigates trouble, they can be held accountable for lapses in professionalism. However, hopefully nothing of the sort will happen, as again the teen/early adult years are a period of maturation, and if nothing else, people at this stage should be more reluctant to be involved in anything that could harm their careers. There will be other students in your medical school class, and hopefully you can find a like-minded individual or individuals, but if not, it is not a big deal. The four years are busy and will be over before you know it, and then you can make a fresh start in residency.

[mononoke 87]

Hi OP,  it's good that you posted this because I was in a similar situation when I started medical school and found out someone who had bullied me in elementary and junior high school would be in the same class. 

As Lactic Folly has said, don't decline your offer - you worked hard for it, go to class and channel your experience into being a better, more relatable doctor. You will see lots of patients on peds, psych, and family med who experience lots of bullying themselves. 

Even if the class is small, for the most part people are friendly and you will find your own group. The medical programs tend to take harassment from peers seriously and because of the fear of getting a 'red flag', students tend to be outwardly professional for the most part. 

People mature, and so have you - let go of the past and focus not on what others think of you but on how you can be the better person. 

 

[#YOLO 166]

f@#k them. do u. focus, do well in med school, and become the doctor you want. there are lots of bullys in this profession. but just focus on urself and ignore all the idiots. 

[Butterfly_ 463]

 

2 hours ago, #YOLO said:

f@#k them. do u. focus, do well in med school, and become the doctor you want. there are lots of bullys in this profession. but just focus on urself and ignore all the idiots. 

Totally agree. Don't let other people stop you from doing what you want to do. Accept your offer and be the best that you can be. 

[starryskies 19]

Signed in again after a long time to post. You are certainly not immature. And you are not alone in this situation. I also was in a similar position when I got accepted where someone who was involved in bullying me during my junior high school years was in the same class. And while the thought of them being there was really scary at first, I learned that they had matured over the years and in the end it wasn’t an issue at all. 

You deserve to be there! You have  worked hard and don’t let what other people have done tarnish that.

I would just echo what everyone else here is saying, just go in and be yourself. Work hard, and don’t take mind of anyone else. Find people who you enjoy being with and hang out with them. There’s still cliques and bullies in medical school but you don’t have to deal with them.

You’re going to be a great doctor because you’ve worked so hard to get here, and you’re empathetic as well! So congratulations, you definitely deserve this and go for it because this is your dream and you are going to be amazing!

[ploughboy 398]

Living well is the best revenge.

[ArchEnemy 131]

16 hours ago, Lactic Folly said:

Hi - although your distressing past experiences have left an impact on you, you have evidently had the strength to move on and make a fresh start, developing satisfying interpersonal relationships and succeeding in gaining admission to medical school. You should be commended on rising above your previous experiences and living well as a way of overcoming the actions of those who tried to put you down. If you let them hold you back now, it would negate the gains you have made, effectively letting them 'win.'

You may be surprised - people may develop more moral conscience as they mature, and could regret their previous actions. However, even if they don't, you don't need your classmates to successfully get through medical school. Interacting with people going through the same experiences as you is not necessarily a blessing, as it can also mean competition. Most schools will have student advisors and students from upper years to provide guidance. For emotional support, you have your family and friends outside medical school.

Don't worry about socializing in medical school - your goal is to become a doctor, so just pass your exams in pre-clerkship and conduct yourself professionally throughout your clerkship rotations. Maintain a polite distance from your former classmates and if anyone instigates trouble, they can be held accountable for lapses in professionalism. However, hopefully nothing of the sort will happen, as again the teen/early adult years are a period of maturation, and if nothing else, people at this stage should be more reluctant to be involved in anything that could harm their careers. There will be other students in your medical school class, and hopefully you can find a like-minded individual or individuals, but if not, it is not a big deal. The four years are busy and will be over before you know it, and then you can make a fresh start in residency.

I think Lactic Folly really nailed it in this sentence. People do develop moral conscience as they mature.

There is also a lot more on the line now that these "bullies" are in medical school. I attended U of T, where the faculty has instituted a safe avenue of reporting critical incidents such as bullying. More information can be obtained here https://md.calendar.utoronto.ca/student-professionalism

If found guilty, these "bullies" will receive professionalism lapses that will affect their chances of applying to residency during CaRMS. 

[GrouchoMarx 243]

Once a sociopath always a sociopath.

Just do better than them in school and in your career.

[throwaway756 1]

Thank you all for the outpour of support and encouragement! It truly means the world to me. 

To be quite honest, I already feel much better after reading all of your comments. I agree with what each of you had to say. If I were to decline the offer over this reason, all my hard work and efforts would go to waste. I certainly don't want others to be influencing my important life decisions and I don't want others to be preventing me from achieving my goals. 

I am really really hoping that it won't be as bad as I am thinking. Even just having one or two close friends in the class would be more than enough for me, to be honest. If the worst case scenario comes to be true, I'll have my friends outside of medical school and I'm really hoping that will be enough to get me through the 4 years.

The forum community is really just the best. Thank you all again for the wonderful advice and words of encouragement! I am already feeling more motivated   Fingers crossed for a good 4 years! 

[premed_67 45]

Just want to say how awesome it is that you have risen above your past negative experiences! You’ve succeeded in getting into medical school. I think this shows that you have great interpersonal skills. Don’t decline an offer based on past experiences. Best of luck with medical school, I’m sure you’ll be great!

[Bambi 1,763]

You control your love, never surrender your autonomy, free will, power, destiny to others, all the more so to enemies of your best interests! Live a full life in every dimension, don’t let others get into your head and get in your way. Stay motivated, work hard and smart and create your own destiny. 

I remember in elementary school, most of my classmates discriminated against me. It never bothered me, on the contrary, not only did it make me stronger but I have ever since gone out of my way to fight for the underdog. I was comfortable always in my own skin, was always the ugly duckling in the sense that learning anything always took me much longer than my peers, but I ended up as a swan. Do your thing and don’t ever let others stand in your way, certainly not those who don’t appreciate you and your value. It’s their loss. 

[Bluecolorisnice 21]

Good luck OP. You are strong, powerful, resourceful and amazing. Anyone that tries to put you down or acts in a way to demean you w/ bullying lacks basic human decency and are not worthy of your time/attention. Seek out mentors and make friends who will be a positive influence and motivate you to reach your potential. Most schools have counsellors and if you do experience harassment or intimidation, please reach out to them. Best of luck with your medical school journey!

[NLengr 784]

On 3/17/2019 at 12:59 AM, #YOLO said:

f@#k them. do u. focus, do well in med school, and become the doctor you want. there are lots of bullys in this profession. but just focus on urself and ignore all the idiots. 

This profession is nothing if not full of idiots and bullies.

Fuck em, although I expect the people from your middle school years have probably matured a bit since then.

[W0lfgang 102]

Good luck OP!

[cleanup 433]

On 3/17/2019 at 2:10 PM, GrouchoMarx said:

Once a sociopath always a sociopath.

Just do better than them in school and in your career.

Can you really say the extent of bullying OP experienced was due to 'sociopathic' tendencies? Seems a bit presumptuous. That said, I think the adage of "once a ____, always a _____" is decidedly narrow-minded. Embracing change, growth, and the plasticity of the human mind, soul & spirit is, I would argue, a fundamental part of what makes us human. You're right in that many people will find it difficult to change, will encounter no desire to change, or simply refuse to, but to write people off for their past transgressions or behaviours seems like a hopeless endeavour in every sense of the word.

If we cannot live in the present, but simultaneously allow the weight of the past to hold us back, and the fear of the future to keep us planted, what do we do? The present moment is ever fleeting. We have to move with it. And you can only do that if you embrace the idea that people do, will, and always have, changed.

Even if the bullies haven't changed their spirits one bit; maybe they've changed only in height, stature, academic knowledge. Fine. But it looks like OP sure has changed. I imagine he/she has the strength, fortitude, and internal self assurance to not allow an uncontrollable external circumstance affect them. And at the same time, if they have changed, I would hope OP would welcome them back into their lives should they deem it appropriate to do so.

[GrouchoMarx 243]

56 minutes ago, cleanup said:

Can you really say the extent of bullying OP experienced was due to 'sociopathic' tendencies? Seems a bit presumptuous. That said, I think the adage of "once a ____, always a _____" is decidedly narrow-minded. Embracing change, growth, and the plasticity of the human mind, soul & spirit is, I would argue, a fundamental part of what makes us human. You're right in that many people will find it difficult to change, will encounter no desire to change, or simply refuse to, but to write people off for their past transgressions or behaviours seems like a hopeless endeavour in every sense of the word.

If we cannot live in the present, but simultaneously allow the weight of the past to hold us back, and the fear of the future to keep us planted, what do we do? The present moment is ever fleeting. We have to move with it. And you can only do that if you embrace the idea that people do, will, and always have, changed.

Even if the bullies haven't changed their spirits one bit; maybe they've changed only in height, stature, academic knowledge. Fine. But it looks like OP sure has changed. I imagine he/she has the strength, fortitude, and internal self assurance to not allow an uncontrollable external circumstance affect them. And at the same time, if they have changed, I would hope OP would welcome them back into their lives should they deem it appropriate to do so.

Nah i think people are inherently who they are starting at a young age. They don't change as they grow, they just mask it better. Given the right opportunity their true colors would emerge once again

[cleanup 433]

38 minutes ago, GrouchoMarx said:

Nah i think people are inherently who they are starting at a young age. They don't change as they grow, they just mask it better. Given the right opportunity their true colors would emerge once again

I will be blunt, but not uncouth. I have to respectfully disagree. Everything is impermanent, including people. Everything changes, and so can you. I sure have. The deepest cores of myself. And it continues. It is usually a result of either eliciting events, including success, trauma, failure, loss, or intense, concerted self-introspection and self-development, or more commonly, a combination of the two.

Even if it's a question that we could argue til the end of time, which would you rather believe? That people cannot change (and thus people cannot improve themselves), or that people can (and thus have the ability to master their own present).

The definition of humanity is self-awareness. There's a space between a stimulus, an emotion, a thought, and what we do. 

My instinct tells me you think people are the way they are because of somebody who did something, said something, or bestowed something on you, and you didn't agree with their perspective or the intent with which they did this act. I used to feel the same way you did. Maybe you thought they would change with time, or you thought you could change them. These are problems everyone encounters, but they are certainly not evidence that "people are who they are." How do you know? They, and you, have not lived out your entire lives yet.

If you want to learn more about that space, and how mastering it can result in profound change in yourself (as well as an increased ability to deal with people who seemingly, do not change), feel free to PM me.

[Lactic Folly 375]

Although all people have potential to change, it seems to me that certain individuals are more much oriented to change and development than others. Thinking of people in their senior years whose introspection leads them to the firm conclusion that external factors have shaped their dispositions and as a result they are not able to grow past those influences. I haven't looked into the underlying factors of such differences in mindset, but probably cognitive flexibility has something to do with it.