Tell me a joke

[Trogdor]

I've heard some people getting this as an interview question. What kind of joke is acceptable? Obviously you don't want to look stupid if they don't get a joke or don't laugh, and obviously you don't want to be telling a dead baby joke...any ideas?

[Smurfette]

I've heard some people getting this as an interview question. What kind of joke is acceptable? Obviously you don't want to look stupid if they don't get a joke or don't laugh, and obviously you don't want to be telling a dead baby joke...any ideas?

 

Stay away from anything sexist, racist, or otherwise offensive. Also stay away from toliet humor. Other than that, just choose what you find funny. I think whether a joke is funny or not often depends on HOW the joke is delivered as well as the content.

[Trogdor]

Anyone have an example? haha

[kaymcee]

So recently the Louvre was rid of some of its most prized possessions. This brilliant thief managed to break in, remove several paintings, escape, and load them into his van without setting off a single alarm. Fortunately, the criminal was caught a few miles down the road, with his vehicle unable to move.

 

When the police questioned him about how he could mastermind a brilliant heist, yet forget to put fuel in his van, the thief responded, "You see, I did not have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

...

 

Back when Jean Chretien was Prime Minister, he attended a premier's conference in Moose Jaw. He made the curious choice of wearing a fox fur hat to the event. At the press conference, amidst a buzz from the gallery, a reporter asked, "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but what's with the hat?"

 

Mr. Chretien responded (put on a good French accent for this one), "Well, Aline, she tells me what to wear wherever I go. I say, 'Aline, I'm going to the Blue Jays game,' and she says, 'Jean, wear the baseball 'at'. Then I ask her about the Calgary Stampede and she said, 'Wear the Stetson 'at'. When I asked her about Moose Jaw, she said, 'Wear the fox hat'."

 

Fox hat... fox 'at... ****'s that? Eh? Eh? No? Is this thing on?

[aclementine]

OOOMMGMGG, i'm actually laughing in front of my computer, too bad there's no emoticon for what i'm experiencing...

[Trogdor]

LOL, I wonder if any admissions comittee would be offended by the Jean Cretien joke...

[Jochi1543]

LOL, I wonder if any admissions comittee would be offended by the Jean Cretien joke...

U of S, possibly?

 

LOL.

[NorthernDude]

It took me a couple read throughs to get the Chretien joke...i'm slow. LOL

[lost__in__space]

not as slow as me....i still dont get the fox joke!

[UBCGuy]

The accent makes is sounds like she is saying "Wear the fox hat" while we are supposed to understand that she is actually saying "Where the f-u-c-k-'s that?"

[Ève]

not as slow as me....i still dont get the fox joke!

 

Read "where the f**k's that?".

[lost__in__space]

Read "where the f**k's that?".

 

 

wooo boy it seems i was the only one not to get it I am now convinced I can't go to med school because of my lack of getting jokes I enjoyed the first joke though, i thought about it on the way to my job interview Here's a REALLY bad joke that the kids would tell me at camp when I was a counsellor:

 

Why did the sick skeleton have to go to the supermarket?

 

To pick up some spare ribs.....

 

[lost__in__space]

this one is good too:

 

Bum in need of food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

 

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

 

"Oh, come along with me then."

 

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

 

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

 

"Bring them as well!"

 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

[Superking25]

Hahaha Chew That Grass!

[blinknoodle]

I love dead baby jokes! Brings me back to my high school days.

 

Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?

A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

[vip_138]

I love dead baby jokes! Brings me back to my high school days.

 

Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?

A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

 

i'm sorry but that was kind of bad. And i don't mind dead baby jokes normally, here's one:

 

Q: how do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

A: nail its other hand down

 

edit: and lost in space: if its any consolation, i didn't get it either. i guess we can't become doctors now

[Jochi1543]

this one is good too:

 

Bum in need of food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

 

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

 

"Oh, come along with me then."

 

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

 

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

 

"Bring them as well!"

 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

I LOVE bum jokes. Here's another one.

 

A man walks by a bum standing on the street, and the bum begs him to give him some money.

 

The man says "Well, say I give it to you, what are you gonna do, buy yourself some booze?"

 

The hobo says "Kidding me, I've been sober for 20 years!"

 

"Then you're probably going to gamble it away," said the man, look at the bum's worn-out shoes and tattered clothing.

 

"I've never gambled, sir!"

 

"Well, then I guess you are going to blow it all betting on a game of golf."

 

"Sir, it's been a good 2 or 3 decades since I've last held a golf club!"

 

"Fine, let's go to my car, I'll take you to my house," says the man.

 

"But sir, are you sure you want to take me home in your car? I haven't showered for weeks, I smell bad, and my clothes are filthy!" says the bum.

 

"No worries," the man responds, "I just wanted to show to my wife what happens to people who don't drink, don't play golf, and don't gamble."

[haiku_guy]

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

 

 

Wah, five years of working with kids has made me think this is actually funny.

[Jochi1543]

A classic favorite of mine.

 

 

 

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.

The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.

 

The first man brought ten apples.

 

The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.

 

The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.

 

Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"

 

The second man says, '' I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples. ''

[Jochi1543]

I like this one, but it's impossible to remember completely.

 

 

 

World’s thinnest books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE’S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World’s Number One Shortest book...

 

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

[dr_2020]

An oldie but a goodie.....

 

 

 

A story about a woman who goes to church and prays "God, I need a break, my life has been full of hardship, ups and down. I need to win the lottery. God, I'm counting on you."

 

Having not won the lottery, the same woman returns to church a week later and prays "I've been good to my husband, I gave up drinking, I've been good. I need a break. I do my chores, I visualize the money. Give me a break God. Let me win the lottery."

 

Suddenly the heavens open up, white light and heavenly music flood into the church, a deep voice says "My dear daughter, GIVE ME A BREAK! Buy a lottery ticket!"

 

[The Soccer Guy]

This is a great question for them to get to know your personality. If I was asked this question, I would try to tell them a joke that could be related to me so that they can see that I am a guy who has a sense of humor but will not get offended if someone jokes about me ... and since I am a referee, I would say one of these;

---------------------------------

After being killed, a referee goes to heaven. Once he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks him if he has done anything wrong in his life. The referee replies by saying that he was refereeing a game and with just a few minutes to go, and with one team winning 1-0, he gave a penalty shot.

'But', he says, 'It wasn't really a penalty'. St Peter says to him, 'When was this?'. The referee looks down at his watch and says, '..... About 35 seconds ago.....'.

---------------------------------

In the middle of the game, the Referee suddenly blows his whistle to stop the game when he sees a long funeral procession on the road that runs alongside the field of play. He closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer.

 

"Wow", said a nearby player. "That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I’ve ever seen. You truly are a kind man Ref. I’ll never think bad of a Referee again."

 

The Referee replies, "Yeah, we were married nearly 25 years".

---------------------------------

The shrill blast of the whistle and the pointing finger of the referee stopped the player in his tracks. The Referee calls him over and produced a notebook, a pencil and a yellow card.

'It's a yellow card for you,' said the referee, waving the card at the player.

'You know what you can do with your yellow card?!' shouted the player.

'You're too late,' replied the referee. 'There's three red cards up there already!'

[mrgreek]

cant remember how exactly this one goes...

 

doctor is at a social gathering,,,,and everyone keeps bothering him and asking him questions "can you take a look at this mole?" etc etc. He notices a man who is a lawyer and approaches him and says "How do you get them not to bother you, I don't want to bring my work home?" and the lawyer replied "I answer them, and then send the bill in the mail." So the doctor went home that night and did that, and he sent bills out to all those who asked him something.

A week later, he received a bill.

[Orchid]

12. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

 

 

hahah I think Jay Leno read this list "world's shortest books" a couple weeks ago if I remember correctly...

 

anyway this amelia earhart one is my favourite.

 

 

 

and Arandil, that failure line is funny... reminds me of one of those spoof "motivational posters"

[The Law]

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

 

 

Wah, five years of working with kids has made me think this is actually funny.

 

LOL I love it!