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Tell me a joke


Trogdor

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I like this one, but it's impossible to remember completely.

 

 

 

World’s thinnest books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE’S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World’s Number One Shortest book...

 

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

 

*SNORTS* too good

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So recently the Louvre was rid of some of its most prized possessions. This brilliant thief managed to break in, remove several paintings, escape, and load them into his van without setting off a single alarm. Fortunately, the criminal was caught a few miles down the road, with his vehicle unable to move.

 

When the police questioned him about how he could mastermind a brilliant heist, yet forget to put fuel in his van, the thief responded, "You see, I did not have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

...

 

Back when Jean Chretien was Prime Minister, he attended a premier's conference in Moose Jaw. He made the curious choice of wearing a fox fur hat to the event. At the press conference, amidst a buzz from the gallery, a reporter asked, "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but what's with the hat?"

 

Mr. Chretien responded (put on a good French accent for this one), "Well, Aline, she tells me what to wear wherever I go. I say, 'Aline, I'm going to the Blue Jays game,' and she says, 'Jean, wear the baseball 'at'. Then I ask her about the Calgary Stampede and she said, 'Wear the Stetson 'at'. When I asked her about Moose Jaw, she said, 'Wear the fox hat'."

 

Fox hat... fox 'at... ****'s that? Eh? Eh? No? Is this thing on?

 

hahaha the second one is great... once you get it... but I'm not sure if it would be borderline innappropriate?

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Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

 

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

 

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

 

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

 

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

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Oh, another Adam & Eve joke...not interview-appropriate, but just for the hell of it.:D

 

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

 

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

 

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

 

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

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I have a gross PG13 joke...

so two vampires walk into a bar, one orders a big glass of blood and the other one orders a glass of hot water. So the first one says to the other one "are you sick or something, you are not drinking blood?" and the other vampire says "no I found this tampon behind the club, and Im gonna make myself some tea!"

 

haha I told you it was gross! ;)

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a man walks into a bar ... where his chronic alcohol abuse tares his family apart

 

not funny? hmmm ... maybe i should work on it

 

a man walks into a bar... and said ouch.

 

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks his way and asks "why the long face??"

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A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks his way and asks "why the long face??"

 

 

it's Christmas eve and a snail is crawling along the bar to get a drink... the bartender sees the snail and flicks him out the window.

At Christmas next year, a snail crawling along the bar says to the bartender "what did you do that for??"

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it's Christmas eve and a snail is crawling along the bar to get a drink... the bartender sees the snail and flicks him out the window.

At Christmas next year, a snail crawling along the bar says to the bartender "what did you do that for??"

 

Hahaha, these are great.

 

A blonde and a brunette are about to walk into a bar, the brunette ducks

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Yay, this thread is alive again!

 

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

 

The copper said, "What's he like?"

 

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

 

One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

 

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

 

Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

 

The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."

 

This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

 

The kid responds, "If you and **** Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."

 

"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"

 

Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."

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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

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Q: What do you call two orthopedic surgeons looking at an ECG?

 

A: A double-blind, randomized study!!

 

 

Q: What is an orthopedic surgeon's definition of the heart?

 

A: It's that thing that pumps the Ancef to the bones.

 

 

 

Disclaimer: both jokes told to me by an orthopedic surgeon, just passing them along here!

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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

 

GOLDEN! now i need to add characters to be allowed to post my comment :D

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I thought i'ld post a couple jack handy's since i'm bored ...

 

When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.

 

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

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I thought i'ld post a couple jack handy's since i'm bored ...

 

When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.

 

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

 

hahha good ones

 

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

 

 

 

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

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