Writing Sample Critique Corner

[eng_dude786]

Hey guys,

 

I'm just opening up this thread so that people may post their writing sample responses and I will try to get through as much as possible. I only promise to be able to critique a maximum of 2 responses per day

 

I will also try to post my responses. In no way am I an expert but I'm sure we can help each other out. I think it helps if we bounce ideas off of each other.

 

Lemme know if anyone is interested.

 

best wishes,

 

eng_dude786

[gogopogo]

Wow this would be very generous of you. I would be grateful for help in this area.

[GorillaGlue]

I'm not sure why no one else has posted yet, I'm a bit new to this forum but I'll throw in my two cents. These were prompts I got from the AAMC website.

 

Any sort of feedback or criticism is much appreciated, so please be as harsh/honest as possible!

 

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The object of education should be to teach skills, not values.

 

Describe a specific situation in which the object of education might be teaching values rather than skills. Discuss what you think determines when the object of education is to teach skills and when it is to teach values.

 

 

Established instituions, such as universities, often look to teach a specfiic set of skills for pursuit in a specific career. For instance, dentistry school seeks to teach cleaning methods, minor surgeries and orthodontics with the purpose of having future dentists perform these skills safely and effectively. The skills taught are mainly technical: a dentist likely has no interest in being taught the values of justice and equality. When they enroll in a dentistry school, their main objective is to learn dentistry skills. Thus it is the institution’s goal to teach these skills.

 

However, as the old adage goes, with great power comes great responsibility. There has been a stronger movement in schools to teach not only skills, but the values attached with these skills. Most curricula now include an ethics component, to teach values such as professionalism, respect and responsibility. This is because values give skills a context: they provide a reason and guideline for using these skills responsibly. Take, for instance, the collapse of the Hyatt platform in Chicago. The disaster was a combination of poor inspections, poor design and poor construction and 320 people died as a result. The engineers who designed the platform made the right calculations in the original designs, but when the constructors modified them, they did not recheck their calculations. They simply approved of the modifications and went ahead with construction. This is a typical example seen in engineering ethics classes, where though the engineers were well-skilled and experienced, they neglected the value of these skills and their responsibilities to society.

 

When it comes to education, the objective should be to teach skills and the responsibilities and values associated with using these skills. It is especially necessary to teach both skills and values in careers that involve the safety and well-being of human lives and the environment we live in.

 

 

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The nature of democracy requires that its citizens be dependent upon one another.

 

Describe a specific situation in which citizens in a democracy might justifiably not be dependent upon one another. Discuss what you think determines when citizens in a democracy should be dependent upon one another.

 

Democratic nations are unique in that every citizen is given an equal voice. Governmental representatives, who are fellow citizens, are elected according to a majority of votes. They gain these votes because they represent the values and morals of the citizens who vote for them. In a sense, the governmental representatives depend on fellow citizens to exercise their rights and vote for them, and these citizens depend on their representative to make important decisions on their behalf. It is a symbiotic relationship that is integral to the proper functioning of a democracy.

 

Once elected, these representatives have an ethical obligation to the voters and an ethical obligation to all citizens of the country. However, in matters where a representative must make an unpopular decision for the good of the country, they cannot always depend on the approval of fellow citizens. In matters such as waste landfill locations and uranium mining, local citizens are often outraged: “Not In My Backyard” being the key phrase. Likewise, these citizens cannot depend on representatives to be aware of all the intricacies and complications associated with decisions that affect local communities. The representatives simply represent the majority of voters, not all.

 

The objective of a democracy is to give all citizens an equal voice. Whether it is for problems affecting all or some, citizens must depend on each other to exercise their right to vote on a solution. They must depend on each other and co-operate together in order to achieve a majority decision, and yet they must also depend on the opposition. Perhaps the landfill location chosen is in fact a fragile waterland ecosystem. It is the opposition that often acts as quality control and offers alternative viewpoints that deepen an understanding of a situation. In societies where all are given an equal vote, interdependency, whether it be for support or opposition, is inescapable.

 

( I was REALLY sketchy on this one, I honestly did not know what to write and I think it is pretty obvious I'm grasping at straws haha...)

[cling]

Here is just a very rough edit of the 1st essay.

 

[Established] Instituions, such as universities, often [look to ]teach [specfiic set of] skills required to succeed[for pursuit in of] in a specific field[career]. For instance, dentistry schools [seek to] teach cleaning methods, minor surgeries and orthodontics, preparing [with the purpose of having] future dentists for [perform these skills] safe[ly] and effective[ly] practice. The skills [taught] are mainly technical: a dentist likely has no interest in being taught the values of justice and equality. When they enroll in a dentistry school, their main objective is to learn dentistry skills. Thus it is the institution’s goal to teach these skills.

 

However, [as the old adage goes,] with great power comes great responsibility. There has been a stronger movement in schools to teach not only skills, but the values attached with these skills. Most curricula now include an ethics component, to teach values such as professionalism, respect and responsibility. [This is because] Values give skills a context: they provide a mental framework [?] [reason and guideline] for applying [using] these skills [responsibly]. [Take,]For instance, the collapse of the Hyatt platform in Chicago was a disaster caused by a combination of poor inspections, poor design and poor construction where[and] 320 people died as a result. The engineers who designed the platform made the right calculations in the original designs, but when the constructors modified them, they did not recheck the [their] calculations. They blindly[simply] approved of the modifications and went ahead with construction. This is a typical example seen in engineering ethics classes, where though the engineers were well-trained[skilled] and experienced, they neglected the value of these skills and their responsibilities to society.

 

When it comes to education, the objective should be to teach skills [and] as well as the responsibilities and values associated with applying[using] these skills. It is especially important[necessary] to teach both skills and values in careers that involve the safety and well-being of human lives and their environment [we live in].

------------------------------------------------------------

Comments:

This is a challenging prompt. Personally I would have used "easier" examples. Dentists need values man. In particular, you even say in your conclusion that it is important to teach values in careers where human well-being is in question. Try to pick "black" and "white" as your examples always, and justify when gray or even grey is ok. So for skills only, screw values: use something like a soldier (soldier education is education, although stretching it, it is ok I think). A soldier has to kill on command. No room for his values or beliefs or whatever shenanigans make him human. He needs to become a machine. Not a human. Machine. Do you get my drift?

Now for somebody who needs to make value choices...do you really think when engineers pick up their calculators they think of "all the people" ? Ok, i guess some do. But don't let the person marking your paper think, yeah I guess this is what he means. Hit him with a no-d'uh example. Who needs to be really good at making value decisions? Lets say a doctor! You can throw in any ethics scenario as an example continuation. Doctor..blah...for example, obeying underage patients wishes, blah...based on her values ...something... values important to reach the right ....something. See, even without writing the whole thing out (supplementing text with blahs) you get my point roughly. What works for me is take 3 minutes, think of "black" and "white" examples, and then writing is very easy. The synthesis here is easy (for soldier and doctor): it should be along the lines of "how clear are the expectations of certain trained professionals"=> Soldier:"Obey the damn order", Doctor "Do what is right" .

 

As far as grams and style go, you should strive to cut out any words you don't need (unneeded words ). Try to remain formal. Your synthesis might need a bit more punch and perhaps refer back to the examples you made in paragraphs 1 and 2. That way you are not just jumping to some conclusion, but your reasoning behind that conclusion is present. Avoid saying stuff "likely means", because if you are saying something, you better be darn sure it is true (or you can pretend it is true ). Remember, these people will not mark your essay based on how accurately you use examples; heck I even made mine up completely. They mark you on how well you argue points. Once again, just try to hit the reader with your main points hard and quick. No dancing around is needed, as you simple don't have the time to build works of art in 30 mins. Keep at it, and it becomes second nature.

[Tan008]

My two cents.

 

That prompt about education actually showed up on my MCAT this year, so in case you think that it is unlikely that an EXACTLY the same prompt from the AMCAS website would show up on your test (it very well might). I was mortified when I saw it but somehow got an S.

 

I think that your ideas are very good, but as mentioned above you really need to develop them more. Length doesn't equal quality however, it seems that you are not addressing each task equally. Also, try to tie your previous ideas together in your concluding paragraph and make sure to address the third task in it.

 

best of luck

[GorillaGlue]

Wow, I didn't expect so much solid feedback in so little time! shortguyguy780, cling and Tan008, I really appreciate your input and I think you're absolutely right. I'm really glad you all made me realize my mistakes early on so that I still have lots of time to improve. It looks like I've got a long way to go so I will definitely practice more with your suggestions. Hopefully the next time I post it'll look way better ! Thank you again!!

 

P.S. cling and shortguy780, do you have suggestions for the second essay? I had a lot of trouble coming up with a thesis/antithesis and sleeping on it didn't really help

[cling]

Hey!

 

The thesis can be based on government itself:

a) Politicians depend on voters to gain power/job/influence.

Voters depend on politicians to assure their basic needs and wants are covered. So yeah, people in power and the citizens who they govern, depend on each other.

 

The antithesis can be on the concept of freedom. The meaning of "depend" is analogous to "constrain" when you think about it. Do you think an artist would appreciate any sort of constraint, even if the majority of people (the principle of voting is based on this) is in favor of this constraint? So here talk about freedom to be or express yourself.

 

Synthesis is just linking how some aspects of human life under the democratic tent concern the community as a whole, while some affect only the individual. You essentially draw a fine line to where "majority rules" rule applies (ie. An artist need not depend on opinions of art critics when he sets out to paint or w/ever).

 

Just as an aside...many people have a misconception about democracy. They think it is a well defined political platform, while really it is not all that precisely defined. Here is a wiki excerpt:

 

"Even though there is no universally accepted definition of 'democracy',[3] there are two principles that any definition of democracy is required to have. The first principle is that all members of the society have equal access to power and the second that all members enjoy universally recognised freedoms and liberties"

 

So from this definition you can draw conflicts between first and second principle.(i.e. you can question what exactly "universaly recognised" means)

[Violet]

Question about the education prompt:

 

I'm taking TPR right now and they really stress having concrete examples for the Writing Sample. Concrete being something that actually happened. So for this prompt, I was thinking something like this for my examples...

 

thesis: art school - only skills are taught and it's generally up to the artist to utilize their own values when creating art.

 

antithesis: military school - values are molded from individualist leanings to nationalist pride.

 

...Or something along those lines. That being said, those examples are kind of hypothetical. So would it be better to give a personal example on my experiences in art school (but written in the third person). And pick a particular military school and explain their educational system? I'm just having trouble thinking of specific, concrete examples for this prompt

[rhinox87]

I was struggling with Education prompt last night..good thing I stumbled upon this thread haha

 

Following the T-A-S structure, I started out interpreting skill as something needed for economic sustainability. Elaborating on this, starting from general to more specific, I went from primary school that imparts reading/writing skill to post-secondary institutions where a particular skill is developed. Skill is an absolute necessity to survive in the real world( in terms of economic well being of course)

 

In Antithesis, I started by defining value as something needed for reputable status and social well being in general. Values are usually imparted by family. Schools/institutions do not follow a strict schedule to teach morals. Here, I shifted focus from general to specific example again. As a young kid, values are far more necessary than skills. This is usually taken care by parents. If an individual fails to acquire values at young age, he/she might have trouble later on fittin in the society. Extreme cases might end up in prison. Focus of prison education is completely shifted towards teaching values instead of skills. If proper values are not imparted to prisoners, they do not function as active members of the society.

 

Synthesis, I tied it up by reiterating that skills are needed for economic well being. Values are required for social status. Usually values are imparted by parents and learning of skills is done through school. Certainly, when things get out of hand, values take precedence over skills..this is when prison comes into play.

 

 

I suck at flow..this is the general outline I worked on. Critique please?

[Tan008]

If you want a super specific example you could take something from the news when there was a problem with a teacher because he/she was trying to impose own values on the kids. That's what I used on my MCAT essay.

[cling]

Question about the education prompt:

 

I'm taking TPR right now and they really stress having concrete examples for the Writing Sample. Concrete being something that actually happened. So for this prompt, I was thinking something like this for my examples...

 

thesis: art school - only skills are taught and it's generally up to the artist to utilize their own values when creating art.

 

antithesis: military school - values are molded from individualist leanings to nationalist pride.

 

...Or something along those lines. That being said, those examples are kind of hypothetical. So would it be better to give a personal example on my experiences in art school (but written in the third person). And pick a particular military school and explain their educational system? I'm just having trouble thinking of specific, concrete examples for this prompt

 

Yeah, it is best to have concrete examples.. Also, careful when you say "utilize their own values". It might be a bit too far from the thesis that "values should be taught".

[capitalcity]

Or maybe

Thesis - architecture = drafting skills

Antithesis - architects need ethics (cough China cough not being a cheapo about construction material)

Antithesis - values required if job could put others at risk

 

P.S. Love you, China.

[goose]

Just wrote my first-ever MCAT essay to the tune of "Opportunity favors those who work hard"

 

I found it though not to edit it after the 30 minute time limit. After reading it again I think to myself "man, I can't believe I actually wrote that!" Anyways, here it is:

 

 

 

Fortune and opportunity are ideas that are not by any means unique. Opportunity is a type of fortune and is required for success. Sustained success, be it in business, romance, or even a game of golf also requires a considerable amount of hard work. Take, for example, the evidently successful Sir Issac Newton. Newton’s dedication to the feilds of physics and mathematics provided him with a great opportunity to share his wealth of knowledge with the world through his appointment in the Royal Society of Science. Undoubtably, Newton’s hard work was ultimately responsible for this appointment. However, this was surely not the sole ingredient for receiving this opportunity: Newton was blessed with the fortune of a privileged education as well as financial support that allowed him to focus on his studies.

 

Others have not been so fortunate. Galileo’s hard fought push for heliocentrism was not rewarded in his lifetime. Having spent years compiling evidence for his theories, Galileo was mocked by the scientific authorities of his time and was forced to retract his heliocentric views and spend the last years of his life under house arrest by order of the Inquisition. The timing of Galileo’s discoveries was off. Without a seed of luck, Galileo was unable to break the soil into the world of further opportunity as Newton had.

 

It can be deduced from the preceeding examples that although hard work is important, it is not the only requirement for acheiving opportunity. Fortune is often a corequisite. When combined with fortune, hard work leads to an open feild of opportunity.

 

Please, be as harsh as you can!

[Propel]

Hey everybody,

 

I would really appreciate any feedback on this WS.

 

Prompt:

 

"An item may be in the news only because nothing else happened that day."

 

 

Sometimes items that are normally considered insignificant may be in the news due to uneventful and stagnant days in our world. When there are not any significant stories in the news, minor stories may be broadcasted and given more attention in the media. For example, traffic on major highways may receive more attention in the news when no major events take place in a given city. Traffic is not considered a major event but rather an inconvenience that sometimes receives attention when it is not being overshadowed by major stories. On days when important stories are unfolding in our cities and world, traffic will most likely not garner any attention in the news.

 

In contrast, sometimes a relatively minor story may be given attention in the news even when important stories are developing due to its significance. This occurs quite often in smaller cities where certain community events such as fairs and festivals are annual gatherings of the town’s people. These events represent unity and are an integral part of town’s tradition and history. The news may also give these events attention not only due to their importance but because they occur annually, whereas violent events and accidents are in the news daily. In addition, these gatherings are positive in nature and are a change from the depressing events that are normally given the most attention in the news.

 

Whether an item is in the news depends not only on what else is occurring in the world, but also on the importance of an event to the community. There are instances when minor stories are given a significant amount of attention in the news due to uneventful days in the world. However, it is also commonplace for stories such as annual community gatherings to receive a tremendous amount of attention in the news due to the importance of these events to a given town. Thus, whether an item is newsworthy depends on its context as well as its importance to a given community.

[Byrne]

Just wrote my first-ever MCAT essay to the tune of "Opportunity favors those who work hard"

 

I found it though not to edit it after the 30 minute time limit. After reading it again I think to myself "man, I can't believe I actually wrote that!" Anyways, here it is:

 

 

 

Fortune and opportunity are ideas that are not by any means unique. Opportunity is a type of fortune and is required for success. Sustained success, be it in business, romance, or even a game of golf also requires a considerable amount of hard work. Take, for example, the evidently successful Sir Issac Newton. Newton’s dedication to the feilds of physics and mathematics provided him with a great opportunity to share his wealth of knowledge with the world through his appointment in the Royal Society of Science. Undoubtably, Newton’s hard work was ultimately responsible for this appointment. However, this was surely not the sole ingredient for receiving this opportunity: Newton was blessed with the fortune of a privileged education as well as financial support that allowed him to focus on his studies.

 

Others have not been so fortunate. Galileo’s hard fought push for heliocentrism was not rewarded in his lifetime. Having spent years compiling evidence for his theories, Galileo was mocked by the scientific authorities of his time and was forced to retract his heliocentric views and spend the last years of his life under house arrest by order of the Inquisition. The timing of Galileo’s discoveries was off. Without a seed of luck, Galileo was unable to break the soil into the world of further opportunity as Newton had.

 

It can be deduced from the preceeding examples that although hard work is important, it is not the only requirement for acheiving opportunity. Fortune is often a corequisite. When combined with fortune, hard work leads to an open feild of opportunity.

 

Please, be as harsh as you can!

 

So your antithesis here is essentially: opportunity doesn't always favour those who work hard?

 

I suppose you could have also gone in the direction of opportunity sometimes favouring individuals who do not necessarily have to work hard, or as hard (i.e., father handing off business to son). Actually, this is the direction I thought you were going to go when you started talking about the whole "good fortune" thing (i.e., access to education) with Newton -- but Galileo worked hard at what he did.

 

I'm going to be honest, I'm just starting to get into the Writing section of the MCAT, but I think your examples are pretty solid -- maybe need to make it a little more obvious which direction you've gone, but pretty good effort overall I'd say.

[Byrne]

Hey everybody,

 

I would really appreciate any feedback on this WS.

 

Prompt:

 

"An item may be in the news only because nothing else happened that day."

 

 

Sometimes items that are normally considered insignificant may be in the news due to uneventful and stagnant days in our world. When there are not any significant stories in the news, minor stories may be broadcasted and given more attention in the media. For example, traffic on major highways may receive more attention in the news when no major events take place in a given city. Traffic is not considered a major event but rather an inconvenience that sometimes receives attention when it is not being overshadowed by major stories. On days when important stories are unfolding in our cities and world, traffic will most likely not garner any attention in the news.

 

In contrast, sometimes a relatively minor story may be given attention in the news even when important stories are developing due to its significance. This occurs quite often in smaller cities where certain community events such as fairs and festivals are annual gatherings of the town’s people. These events represent unity and are an integral part of town’s tradition and history. The news may also give these events attention not only due to their importance but because they occur annually, whereas violent events and accidents are in the news daily. In addition, these gatherings are positive in nature and are a change from the depressing events that are normally given the most attention in the news.

 

Whether an item is in the news depends not only on what else is occurring in the world, but also on the importance of an event to the community. There are instances when minor stories are given a significant amount of attention in the news due to uneventful days in the world. However, it is also commonplace for stories such as annual community gatherings to receive a tremendous amount of attention in the news due to the importance of these events to a given town. Thus, whether an item is newsworthy depends on its context as well as its importance to a given community.

 

That's not an easy prompt. I'd be careful using words such as "minor", "major" and then combining "minor" with "significant" -- if a minor story is significant, is it then considered a "major" story?

 

Again, tough prompt, but I think you need to better illustrate what you mean by major or minor while remaining as objective as possible. Some people may see news on a town fair as being a major story as the fair only comes around once a year.

 

Or perhaps go in a new direction entirely. I'm having trouble coming up with some concrete examples myself.

[supafield]

That's not an easy prompt. I'd be careful using words such as "minor", "major" and then combining "minor" with "significant" -- if a minor story is significant, is it then considered a "major" story?

 

Again, tough prompt, but I think you need to better illustrate what you mean by major or minor while remaining as objective as possible. Some people may see news on a town fair as being a major story as the fair only comes around once a year.

 

Or perhaps go in a new direction entirely. I'm having trouble coming up with some concrete examples myself.

 

I would consider taking this in two directions myself.

Yes, it may be in the local news because nothing happened that affects one directly

But, if looked at on a global scale there's always something else happening however it may not be reported in our particular news because it's not to pertinent locally.

 

Or Yes something may be in the news with nothing else going on.... and then just make up the most ridiculous example of a boring story that grabbed the front page of your newspaper... of the 1000's of newspapers you'll be fine making up nearly anything partially reasonable...

 

And then say but there are some very interesting things that may have gone on but may be secretive in nature, government operations, things that happened in places where the news can't catch it.... and so on, examples can be war operations and anything else of a secretive nature...

[capitalcity]

Any ideas for the following?

 

In a free society, all rights begin with the individual's right to privacy.

Describe a specific right that does not begin with the right to privacy. Discuss the principles you think determine rights in a free society.

[supafield]

edit: misread

 

pro: nearly all rights are based around privacy under normal circumstance

anti: in specific legal situations the government can subpoena documents otherwise protected by privacy rights (psychiatric history)

 

Synthesis: Normal functioning of society is based on a systems of rights that protects an individuals privacy. Special circumstances like legal proceedings allow government to use special rights based around disclosure in order for the government to ensure an orderly and otherwise free society can prevail.

 

something like that?

[capitalcity]

I feel like such a leech being practically the only one posting Qs. Anyways, help on these similar history/objectivity prompts?

 

In the recording of history, it is impossible to be objective.

There are as many versions of history as there are historians.

[supafield]

I feel like such a leech being practically the only one posting Qs. Anyways, help on these similar history/objectivity prompts?

 

In the recording of history, it is impossible to be objective.

There are as many versions of history as there are historians.

 

For both of those prompts I would address the historical event as either one with conflicting interests or one without.

 

and say when there was opposing interests with the event in question a subjective history (or many versions of history for prompt 2) may result.

ex: WW2? there's a big difference between what American and German school children are taught about the war.

 

And then for your antithesis

Any historical factoid that anyone would be stupid in opposing... George Washington was the first president of the U.S. It was simple knowledge that no one cared to debate at the time so it was recorded accurately at the time and has been passed on correctly to generation after generation of historians and no one would debate it today.

 

Then say when there are opposing interests in the event itself, multiple variations of what took place will be told and will eventually cause disagreement with historians today. If the event was universally accepted when it originally took place then it will likely be agreed upon unanimously by historians of the present day...

 

you can jazz it up by saying even historians carry bias and so on but that's an idea at least

[chris]

hey guys, i'm really stuck on this one prompt..

 

Leadership involves speaking out when others might keep silent.

 

Describe a specific situation in which leadership might involve keeping silent. Discuss what you think determines whether a leader should speak out or keep silent.

 

It's the antithesis that i'm having trouble with...i don't know if i'm overthinking this but the antithesis should be an example of when leadership involves keeping silent. I was thinking along the lines of action vs words but is action=keeping silent? i'm so confused!

[capitalcity]

I totally didn't think of this when I did that prompt but how about those Polish nuns who hid Jewish kids and pretended they were Christian. Hundreds of them were slaughtered for not reporting the brats. *Proud of myself.*

[chris]

hm, i don't understand how that demonstrates leadership...please helP!

[xIcewind]

Leadership involves speaking out when others might keep silent.

 

Describe a specific situation in which leadership might involve keeping silent. Discuss what you think determines whether a leader should speak out or keep silent.

 

Overarching thesis: Leaders should / do represent their followers, and should strive for an overall greater good.

 

Thesis: Leaders should speak out on behalf of their people when they have power to change, for example, a boss should advocate for his employees when something is wronged in the workplace. (I don't know... harassment, you can pick any example.)

 

Antithesis: The boss may keep silent about his subordinates who confide in him for conflict resolution, not speaking out to inflame any arguments. He keeps silent and judges the situation to everyone's best interest.

 

Synthesis: Being a leader requires one to act always for the greater good of his followers. Illustrated by the example, speaking out for his subordinates when an issue arises. However, a leader should stay silent, keep things in confidence, and resolve issues when they arise. Such, they are able to maintain order, productivity, and act in the best interest.

 

I dunno. This is the first thing that came to mind.