truffle Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 If your first reaction to the thread title is "ewww", please leave this thread, and thanks. I'm curious about everyone's perspective on marriage and kids. Let's suppose we all become physicians/whatever. (I'm not posting in the Med Student section because I mostly want to hear from premeds, as I am one myself. If you are not premed, you are also welcome to post a reply.) Would you get married or commit to a very long partnership? If so, when do you think you will do it? And, would you have kids? When and how many? People who are already married/committed or already have kids can contribute too. You are allowed to say you have never given thought to the topic, or you are afraid to think about it. --------- I'm not in med school right now. If I get in, I probably will get married (70% probability). If I end up with a less demanding career, the probability might be higher. You are allowed to call me stupid for compromising family life for a career. After I realized I wanted to be a doctor, I initially for the most part dismissed marriage/long-term partnership. Now I'm turning around again because I don't think I'm immune to loneliness. (I never considered serial short-term relationships an option because they are too high-maintenance and unstable). I don't foresee myself getting married too early. Minimum age 26. Probably 28-30. I really don't know if I'm going to have kids. So it's 50-50 for me right now. If I do have kids, I might have a few, but no more than 3. Having my own kids and adopting are both fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneDay Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 As a female pre-med I think about this all the time (and because I'm old!). I'm not in med school, but if I do get in, the family issue will need a lot of thought. My partner is very patient, and he's supportive of whatever I end up doing. If I do get into meds, I would ideally want to get started on the baby project as soon as possible. From the med students and physicians I've spoken to about this, they all seem to think that residency is a good time for having kids. But I wonder whether the clerkship years would be an ok time to be pregnant? I guess I don't have to worry too much about this now. All I know is that if med school doesn't go through this year, I will be pregnant while doing my plan B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youngdad Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I am 26, I have been married for 2 years and I have a 13 month old son. I am in my last year of undergrad. Family is my number 1 priority. Family makes me happy no matter what. I doubt if I could do the things I do without them. My wife is my best friend (and a wonderful cook!). She is my release valve. She tells me when I am doing too much and need to take some time to walk to the beach with her. Playing with my son before his bedtime is the highlight of my day. Oh sure, if I was single I would have more time to study and pursue EC's or double my research load. Lots of my A minuses would likely be A pluses. But so what? Family gives me so much more purpose. I am part of a team. We all have our roles, we count on each other, and we support one another. If I never get into medical school and I end up a garbage man I will still go to bed every night as the luckiest, most blessed man on earth. As long as I am with my wife and my boy (and any more of our kids that aren't here yet). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classA Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 If I get in, I probably will get married (70% probability). If I end up with a less demanding career, the probability might be higher. I enjoy the 70% probability!!!! If you cannot balance life and medicine there’s a 92% probability of burn out and that you won’t make it through a medical career sane!!! Seriously if all you do and think about is medicine you will go nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truffle Posted January 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I am 26, I have been married for 2 years and I have a 13 month old son. I am in my last year of undergrad. Family is my number 1 priority. Family makes me happy no matter what. I doubt if I could do the things I do without them. My wife is my best friend (and a wonderful cook!). She is my release valve. She tells me when I am doing too much and need to take some time to walk to the beach with her. Playing with my son before his bedtime is the highlight of my day. Oh sure, if I was single I would have more time to study and pursue EC's or double my research load. Lots of my A minuses would likely be A pluses. But so what? Family gives me so much more purpose. I am part of a team. We all have our roles, we count on each other, and we support one another. If I never get into medical school and I end up a garbage man I will still go to bed every night as the luckiest, most blessed man on earth. As long as I am with my wife and my boy (and any more of our kids that aren't here yet). congrats on having a kid already! the one-year mark is pretty exciting. i really like kids (i've worked with a lot of pre-schoolers through volunteering). but i don't know a thing about getting woken up at night, getting puked/pooped on, and so on. and i'm not brave enough to decide now that i want to juggle a medical career and kids at the same time. i see EC's as one of the many means for people to gain maturity, teamwork skills and the like. my mom always tells me that people don't know what it is to grow up until after they have kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheena815 Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 youngdad's perspective is wonderful to hear and mirrors mine as well. I'm not married yet, but having a great family life in my future is extremely important to me. If that means I take on a less demanding specialty, and don't get to be as much of a "high-flyer", then I'm perfectly happy with that. Because without family I'd be unhappy, no matter how great my career was. Family and relationships take work and I'm fully willing to make the sacrifices. And if career is more important to someone else, that's fine too. Its all about finding out what would make you the most happy, and making that your priority, and in finding balance if you want multiple things (family, ambitious career). There's no right or wrong approach here. Do what's fulfilling for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shannn Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I've talked to my gf about this already. By the time I get into med school, I'll be either 24 or 25. We plan on getting married after my 1st or 2nd year during the summer (maybe winter). It will be tricky, but she's will be supporting us for a while, we'll probably have to live in a crappy little apartment for a while, but, I think doing it when the time is right with the right person makes things much easier. Also, she will be working by then in a profession that has a 100% employment rate after 3 months of graduation =) Just talk to your significant other, and keep communication open, I suppose that is the key to finding the "right" time. Regarding kids, that will be tricky...hopefully after I am done school and working as an intern (so I guess i'll be 28 / 29). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 As a female pre-med I think about this all the time (and because I'm old!). I'm not in med school, but if I do get in, the family issue will need a lot of thought. My partner is very patient, and he's supportive of whatever I end up doing. I'm in the same situation as OneDay; an old, female pre-med I don't think about it all the time, but I am realistic about the whole family planning issue. My spouse is super and very supportive, so I'm not overly worried. First step is to actually get into med school in the next couple years (hopefully this year ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spacko Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I'm currently completing Grad Studies (PhD) and hoping to get into Med school later this year. I was lucky enough to marry to wife last year, so it's comforting to know I have a committed partner going into Med school and we both understand it will be difficult at times with my varying time commitments. With that being said, my wife is a few years older than I (I'm 29, she's 33) so we don't want to wait until she is pushing 40 before we have kids. As such, we plan to have kids while I'm in Med school and just do what it takes to raise both a family and get my studies done. I'm sure it will be difficult at times, but I think anyone who has prepared themselves for Med school is familiar with working hard and keeping organized to achieve a variety of goals. Like a previous author said, I'm prepared to choose a career that allows me to be home with my family most nights and weekends, I've heard of too many families that have one doctor for a parent and the kids never see that person growing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MilSarah Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Often when people find out that both my parents are doctors, they say ''Oh i'm sorry, you must of not seen them alot growing up''. Not true ... my parents made sure that they were there in time for supper as a family every night and always helped me with my homework. They took turns being on call, took their vacations at the same time (so we could go on trips yipee), etc. They were lucky tough to share a office so they get to see each other ALL THE TIME haha. My mom even waited until we were both (my brother and I) in University to accept a position as President of the College of Family Physicians. She refused time and time again until she felt it would not affect us. So ... I would say it is very possible to make family a priority and have a great career. Mostly, it's all about sharing tasks with the other physicians in your community so everyone gets family time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Time to start a Premed101 dating service. Now that's an idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost__in__space Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Who'd date you, Law? Any girl out there would be lucky to date Law, he's quite a catch!!! (except when he's working too hard to go out! >:|) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost__in__space Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 They took turns being on call, took their vacations at the same time (so we could go on trips yipee), etc. They were lucky tough to share a office so they get to see each other ALL THE TIME haha. They share an office!?!?!!? that is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute x 100000000000000 :-) I hope me and my future hubby get to do that too! it's been my dream! My mum and dad work at the same workplace in the federal government and they see each other at work sometimes (and get to gossip at home about the same people lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Wong Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I am extremely frustrated and every day that peters on I wonder if I made the right choice. Even though there is "no such thing as a lonely doctor" I am still concerned, haha, and I am sad a bit because I am lonely. So, if things keep on going this way, I don't have to worry about having children in medical school. Or a relationship. Or a family. Maybe I'll buy a dog for company. Hang in there. You'll meet a TON of people throughout med school, and somehow, everything always ends up working out in the end. The real key is to try not to force anything into a relationship. Ian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Any girl out there would be lucky to date Law, he's quite a catch!!! (except when he's working too hard to go out! >:|) lost__in__space is always too kind... and I know! I know! Homeslice, this course overload is pretty brutal this term! What are you up to on Wednesday? I need to come visit you (and also, get that cheque from Somerset!!). lol... maybe we should have a study party! ooo... maybe we should go to Marble Slab HAHA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Who'd date you, Law? You forgot the word, WOULDN'T before date! haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostintime Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hang in there. You'll meet a TON of people throughout med school, and somehow, everything always ends up working out in the end. The real key is to try not to force anything into a relationship. Ian But that sort of leads you into meeting doctors and health professionals. What if you just want to get out of this rut? Yea they say through friends and what not, but who really knows. But yes, eventually someone will be worried for me down the road when I'm getting old and start caring about these things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorelan Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I guess I am surprised aranndil is finding so many men automatically disinterested. Personally I find people who don't invest a significant amount of their time developing themselves professionally kind of boring, and like most people I wouldn't want a long term relationship with someone I personally find boring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A-Stark Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 So now, in med, I thought that I would be able to meet someone. Well... uh... no offense to my med class, but there isn't anyone I like. At least not yet. Like, my parents are really confused about this, but there are very, very nice people, but no one that I really like. Everyone outside of med school get really shirty when they find out I'm in med school ... their #1 concern is "you'll never have time for me/family/relationship" even though that is an old conception and obviously not 100% the case even back then. I am extremely frustrated and every day that peters on I wonder if I made the right choice. Even though there is "no such thing as a lonely doctor" I am still concerned, haha, and I am sad a bit because I am lonely. Maybe one day I'll find a guy who won't run for the hills as soon as he hears "medical school" ... I think it's an important part of who I am, but don't walk around parading the fact I'm a doctor, either. So, if things keep on going this way, I don't have to worry about having children in medical school. Or a relationship. Or a family. Maybe I'll buy a dog for company. This is pretty much my experience so far, though I'm not really frustrated. I agree with Ian - things tend to unfold as they should, and I'm not really worried about "ending up alone". It's a standard mid-20s life crisis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jochi1543 Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I guess I am surprised aranndil is finding so many men automatically disinterested. Personally I find people who don't invest a significant amount of their time developing themselves professionally kind of boring, and like most people I wouldn't want a long term relationship with someone I personally find boring. x2. And if your mate's insecure about himself when he finds out you actually have some aspirations in life, that's his problem, not yours. But some men NEED a woman who's inferior to them in one way or another so they could feel better about themselves. The only guy who ever openly confronted me about my wanting to be a doctor and said he couldn't be with me because of that was a total loser when it came to his education and career. I've always thought that it's better to be alone than be with someone who is not supportive or on the same wavelength as you...they'll go and find themselves someone who's content working the jewelry counter at Sears till she retires and eventually you'll find someone who realizes they actually want some intellectual stimulation in the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youngdad Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 they'll go and find themselves someone who's content working the jewelry counter at Sears till she retires. Whats wrong with that? Do intelligent people have to pursue medicine or law or other "professional professions" to impress you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jochi1543 Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Whats wrong with that? Do intelligent people have to pursue medicine or law or other "professional professions" to impress you? Intelligence without the drive to succeed is nothing as far as I'm concerned. And chances are, intelligent people will want an intellectually stimulating job. Before someone gets all politically correct and says how fast food and janitorial jobs are very rewarding, I dare you to find one person doing this type of work who says they are truly happy with what they do and wish to be doing nothing else for the rest of their life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMmd Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 i wanted to be a janitor, but janitorial students dont get to wear their broom around the neck all over school... so it's not as cool as a med student. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostintime Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 The way I see it, there are two types of relationships in life: 1) The person that is the FIT for you...and as cynical as I think I am in general, I do believe this person exists for everyone. But the issue is whether your life choices and fate allow you to meet them. And it may not just be ONE person, but a number of people that could fit that well with your personality, values, everything. They may not necessarily be the type of person you always envisioned to be marrying, but I think if I actually do meet this person, I will give up more than I could imagine to be with them. 2) The other cases....people you could potentially live with. People you could run down a checklist and check off most things. And I believe most marriages are like this. Then you have the unhappy marriages where people are ill-matched AND not in love. 3) The option where you just stay single. But I think for me personally, I'm not going to be greedy about it. If I meet 1), awesome, I'll count my lucky stars. If not, I'll try to find 2) and try my hand at marriage and having a family. I don't think I would want to be single for the rest of my life. And the social stigma is also great...yes, call me a coward but no thank you to people discussing me behind my back "Oh look, they couldn't even find anyone". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorelan Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Whats wrong with that? Do intelligent people have to pursue medicine or law or other "professional professions" to impress you? I can see how it could seem that way, but it has nothing to do with being impressed. Hopefully we are all trying to be doctors because we, as a fundemental aspect of who we are, want to help people and make a difference in the world. I like to think that is true of myself or I wouldn't be trying to become one. It is natural to want your partner to share your most important beliefs. Someone who choses in most cases to work at a factory, or fast food resturant etc as their life long career is very likely not to share that belief. There are exceptions of course, but we are talking in generalities here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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