Prep101 - Free Writing Sample Feedback **Thread #3**

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 30 Sharpshooter

 

The news media offers quick new information to individuals from reporters' summary of events. Currently, the news media can deliver stories that are appealing and unappealing to the public. However, the news media should only report what the public wants to know. Although the prompt uses absolute wording, you should moderate the language so that you do not undermine your refuting argument. For example, the Windsor Star wrote an article informing the public that Melissa Bishop, a University of Windsor alumnist, qualified for the 2012 Summer Olympics. She qualified for the 800 m race by finishing in the top 3 at the Olympic trials in Calgary. This is relevant and positive news to Windsorites as it shows what Windsorites are capable of and it makes them proud of the city of Windsor. This is information that the public wants to know. Thus, the new media should usually only report news that is desirable to the public. This is okay but not great. You do not make a strong compelling argument.

 

However, the news media might report something other than what the wants grammar to know. For instance, it was reported in the Windsor Star that a student driver drove into a pool while taking a lesson with a driving instructor. The student driver forgot she put the car in reverse and stepped on the accelerator, causing the car to drive through a fence and land in a pool. This information does not really influence Windsorites positively and does not really provide helpful information to the general public. The general public would rather want to hear something they could be proud of instead of of useless information.

This only weakly addresses the refuting task. Here you are suppose to argue that the media should report news that people might not want to know.

Therefore, what determines when the news midea should report what the public want to grammar know and when they should not is whether the news story relates to the majority of the general public. For example, the news that Bishop qualifed to the Olympics is relevant to most Windsorites since Bishop is a University of Windsor Alumni and it makes Windsorites proud and excited for her great achievement and future. However, the news story about the student driver who drove into a pool does not related the the majority of the general public; thus, this news story should not be reported to the public as it does not affect most of the general public in Windsor. Decent.

 

The depth of the examples and discussion need improvement.

 

Overall Mark: 3.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately an O )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3.5 Supporting task is adequately addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is adequately addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 3.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 30 medhopeful64

 

The news media serves to inform viewers of the daily events occurring locally and globally. Such events are often horrific, and as such, the news media should only report what the public wants to know (ie good news or celebratory events). This idea is questionable. Just because something is terrible news, doesn't mean the media should only report on happy events. The public does not want to know the exact details of horrific events such as murders of innocent children, rapes, or other violent events because of their disturbing content. Such content can instill fear and disgust into the minds of the viewers. Thus, it can be argued that the news media should report only what the public wants to know. For example, during Prince William and Kate Middleton's royal wedding in April 2011, news media from all around world attended the event to capture the moments. The wedding was attended by several honorable guests and important dignitaries from countries all over the world, and watched on TV by millions of people all around the world. It was dubbed as the "Royal Wedding of the Century." Many people wanted to know the details of the wedding, from the Kate's wedding dress designer, to the couple's honeymoon plans. Such a happy occassion is a prime example of the news media reporting only what the public wants to know. Strong.

 

The news media, however, might sometimes report something other than what the public wants to know. This is especially true when its necessary to alert the public of a dangerous criminal, such as Paul Bernardo, a serial rapist. For example, in the early 90s, many women began dissappearing (and were later found dead) from the Mississauga region. Such women were often attacked or lured whilst waiting alone after dark at a bus stop. After a series of suspicious murders, the Mississauga Police issued a warning to the public, which was aired on the news. Police advised women in the Mississauga region not to wait for buses alone after dark. Thus, in this case, it is clear that although the public may not want to know the disturbing details of how and where these women were raped and murdered, it was necessary to report by the news media for the safety of the public. This would be strong/excellent but you just contradicted what you said earlier.

 

The news media often reports details that the public may or may not want to know. The factor that determines when the news media should report what the public wants to know and when they should not depends on if the reporting of such news is necessary for the public's safety. This is vague and ambiguous. You want a resolution principle that is clear and easy to apply. If the content of the news is something that the public may not want to know but will protect them from dangerous individuals, then the news media should still report it. The rapes and killings by Paul Bernardo were of a horrific nature, but the news media reported the cases and the Police's safety warning in order to protect and prevent more people from becoming future victims. With more positive events, such as Prince William and Kate Middleton's royal wedding, the news media will report it, as the public wants to know of the details of such events. Thus, it is clear that the news media should report what the public wants to know, and sometimes what they do not want to know only if it is for the public's safety. Your resolution principle is not applicable to your supporting example.

The resolution principle needs to be applicable to both the examples and applied to both of the examples which you did not do here.

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is somewhat addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 3

Focus and coherence: 3

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 sixstar

 

A great leader is often regarded as somebody who can guide or inspire many people to meet a shared goal. Whether it be in considering grammar managers, supervisors or presidents, good leaders are often needed in many instances to achieve a goal. With regards to social change, that is bringing about change in a certain aspect of society, it can be argued that a great leader is required to guide and lead positive social change. For instance, Martin Luther King Jr. lead one of the largest social movements in the 1960s in the United States of America. During a time of increasing racial tensions between Caucasians and African Americans, Martin Luther King Jr. inspired many people to advocate for equality for citizens of all races. In order to inspire that many people to take up the cause of racial equality, Martin Luther King Jr. had to be a great leader. It could be argued that only a great leader would be able to inspire and guide that many people to take up a potentially unpopular cause. The result of Martin Luther King Jr.'s movement was undeniably positive, as his movement for racial equality resulted in great changes in legislation and eventually led to racial equality in America.

This is strong. It would be excellent if it had a few more supporting details.

However, positive social change does not always require a great leader. For instance, the Occupy Movement, which began in New York in September of 2011, primarily advocated for greater economic equality among citizens. The supporters of this movement disagreed with the fact that 1% of all wage earners collectively recieve more than the remianing 99% of wage earners. This idea of greater economic equality resonated among many people in many countries, especially considering the higher unemployment rates and poorer economy after the 2008 Economic Crisis. These protests and demonstrations lead to positive social change in that they gave rise to a wider recognition of the inequality in wages and inspired local groups and some politicians to advocate for changes in legislation. While many protests and demonstrations were soon started in many cities across the world, there was no leader guiding all these demonstrations. All of these protests were started by local collectives of people sharing the same ideas coming together and protesting under the unified voice of the "Occupy" movement, not guidied by any single leader. In this case, a great leader was not needed to inspire enough people to advocate for positive change, but rather the inspiration due to the movement itself and its ideas was convincing enough for other people to join the movement. Excellent.

 

It would seeem that whether or not positive social change requires a leader depends on the difficulty of bringing about social change and convincing a group of people to take up a particular cause. This is vague and ambiguous. You want a resolution principle that is clear and easy to apply. For the resolution principle, simplicity is elegant. If the movement or social cause may be unpopular among people This is vague. The social cause was unpopular to the Caucasian population but not to the African American population and other visible minorities. , as was Martin Luther King Jr.'s movement for racial equality in America, a great leader is needed to inspire and guide people to take up their cause and advocate for positive change. However, if the cause is positive recieved grammar among a majority of people in society, as was the Occupy movements goal of economic equality among people, the movement can itself inpsire people, and thus, a great leader is not required. As such, while social change can occur through different means and be guided by different forces, inspiring people to take up a cause is of utmost importantance, regardless of who or what is the source of that inspiration. This is okay but not great. The civil rights movement was popular depending on the group of people you asked. This works better for the Occupy example than for your civil rights example.

 

Overall Mark: 5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a R )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 5 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is completely addressed. Resolution task is adequately addressed.

Depth: 4.5

Focus and coherence: 4.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31RMAC13

Positive social change is vital in order for individuals to adapt to the ever evolving forces of the economy, politics, science and technology. In order for society to acheive progress, a great leader is often required. This leader has a vision of the future he wishes society to reach, and oversees and directs all the necessary steps to achieving this vision. Mikhail Gorbachev was one such leader whose actions led to the dissolution of the Soviet Union through his policies of Perestroika and Glasnost. Respectively, these policies allowed for more economic freedom and greater freedoms for the people of the Soviet Union. Gorbachev's policies were imperative to the restructuring of the Soviet Union and end of the Cold War. This example could be excellent. However, there just aren't enough details. You don't explain your example enough for the reader to understand your argument.

 

However, in the present day, technological advances particularly in the realm of the smart phone, have led to positive social change and there is no single person solely responsible for these advances. Smart phones albeit iphones grammar , blackberries, or android phones, are an integral part of today's society. These products are used extensively by the vast majority of population for work, education, and personal use. There are leaders of the companies responsible for the making of such products as the smart phone, but without those people working under them and the cooperation of consumers to purchase their products social change would not be possible. This idea is not very strong because you sort of undermine your own argument.

 

Similar to before, the argument is creative but underdeveloped. You also do not make a case that technology has made a positive social change. You need to back up your statements with supporting points.

 

What then determines whether or not positive social change requires a great leader? One of the most significant criterion is the need for change. During Gorbachev's time, there were a number of negative events going on such as the Cold War and the stagnancy of the economy after Brezhev's time in power that a change was grammar drastically needed. During times like these when change is heavily called for, a great leader, in this case Mikhail Gorbachev, is required to plan and direct all the events required to allow for the society to progress. Another criterion is the area of social change being focused on such as politics, economics, religion, or technological advances. ??? The evolution of the smart phone encompassed the realm of technological social change whereas the case with Gobachev focused on economics. Technological advances often require more than just a single great entity as is the case in the smart phone where advances required cooperation from numerous people such as employers and the consumers.

Here you essentially have two separate resolution principles. Ideally, you want one resolution principle that is applied to both examples. The arguments here are somewhat confusing. Follow the standard template for the resolution paragraph for a more structured argument.

http://portal.prep101.com/Forum/yaf_postst58_How-to-write-Writing-Sample-essays.aspx

 

In general, positive social change does require a great leader; however, the leader often requires the help of others to establish his goals for the future. The present conditions and the area of social change being focused on can have a major influence on the extent to which a great leader is needed to the advancements of society. This should be part of your resolution paragraph. Follow the standard 3 paragraph template for the writing sample essay.

 

Overall Mark: 2.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a M)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 2.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is somewhat addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 2.5

Focus and coherence: 2.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 3.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 gearhead

Without leadership, movements or states are resigned to spending their effort determining direction without tackling the issues which they seek to remedy. A great leader is one who uses their influence to enact the will of the voiceless. Such a leader should reflect the people they represent and act as a vehicle through which the people can enact positive social change. Tommy Douglas, a past Saskatchewan Premier, was a great leader and championed the cause of universal health care, eventually bringing it to all Canadians. As a great leader, Douglas fought for the less fortunate, putting his power and personality behind them to change their situations for the better. This example could be excellent. However, there is not enough written here. You need to elaborate and expand upon your discussion. This is just too short.

On the other hand, great achievements in social change have occured against or without a clear leadership figure as commonly seen in grassroots movements. The French revolution dramatically changed the western political system, empowering common man and establishing fundamental rights and freedoms. All of this took place in spite of the leadership, the French aristocracy, who fiercly opposed positive change, attempting to retain power in the hands of few, rather than to distribute it amongst many, thus decentralizing leadership. Same issue as before, this could be excellent but there just isn't enough to make for a compelling and strong argument.

As shown, positive social change has been achieved with a great leader. This is not a good introductory sentence for your resolution paragraph.The determining factor in the requirement of a great leader is the will of the people. This is vague and ambiguous. You want your resolution principle to be clear and easy to apply. This doesn't really say anything at all. If a movement is supported by a large enough population, positive social change will happen with or without a great leader. This does not address the resolution task set out by the writing prompt. In the case of Canada's universal health care implementation, the move was strongly opposed by many groups, and those who the change benefited were largely voiceless. Thus it took a powerful and dedicated figure to enact positive social change. With the French revolution, however, the change was supported by the vast majority, and while each supporter was relatively voiceless, the movement found strength in numbers and progressed in absence of great leadership. In enacting social change, the required threshold is a product of popularity and power; with enough of one, change is inevitable. The resolution here is decent. However, you did not not express it as a principle at the outset.

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 All of the tasks are only somewhat addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 3

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 tms

 

Social change takes place when there is a change in the beliefs and thinking of the majority as well as altered outcomes for many in society. When social change leads to improvements for members of society, it can be considered as positive social change. In conditions of socio-political crisis, a great leader is required to result in positive social change to help lead an initiative and take a stance. For example, in the early 1940’s, there were unstable social and political conditions in India where most citizens were looking for change and were against the notion of strict control as well as ruling by the British authorities. Positive social change came in 1947 in the form of freedom for all Indian citizens from the British rule. It was made possible in large by grammar the non-violent revolution led by Gandhi. Gandhi was a great leader who advocated for change without bloodshed. He believed in political negotiations via non-violent methods including writing letters to the authorities, submitting petitions and fasting. Moreover, he also believed in the power of numbers and he tried to convince others to join him in the fight against the British rule. As a result, many citizens of India joined Gandhi in his political revolution through the 1940’s which eventually led to the Independance of India in 1947. This example and discussion is strong. However, the organization of ideas needs work. The ideas are not presented in a logical order which affects the clarity and strength of the argument.

 

However, in stable socio-political conditions, positive social change does not require a great leader because the stability allows citizens to take an initiative and stance on their own. For example, residential schools were recently shut down in Canada. The last school of this kind closed its doors in 1996 and such closure has been regarded as a postive social change by many aboriginal communities in the country. Residential schools were established throughout the early-mid 1900’s across Canada. They were meant to provide a Canadian based education to aborigical children with the hopes of diverting them into mainstream Canadian culture. However, this violated the rights of aboriginal children to practice their culture and faith but was overlooked for many decades. More recently, the Canadian federal government and the Canadian society in general has acknowledged that such rights of aboriginal children were violated as a result of forceful placement in residential schools. In 2011, Prime Miniter Stephen Harper gave a public apology to all aboriginal communities. Such positive social change came about at a time when Canada is in a relatively stable socio-political condition and was made possible not by a single great leader but by the acknowledgement of the government’s actions by society in general.

This example could be excellent. However, the execution needs improvement. You establish that positive social change occurred but you did not address the leader part of the prompt. How did positive social change occur despite a lack of a great leader. Again, your ideas are disorganized and the progression of ideas needs to be improved.

 

In conclusion, when faced with a socio-political crisis, a great leader is necessary to take a stance and lead to positive social change as seen in the case of the achievement of Independence in India with the help of the non-violent revolution led by Mahatma Gandhi. In contrast, under stable socio-political conditions, positive social change does not require a great leader as seen in the case of the shut-down of residential schools in Canada and a public apology by the nation’s prime minister to the affected aboriginal communities since the stability in society allows citizens to take a stance on their own This idea needs more explanation. The resolution principle is excellent, you need to lay it out at the beginning of your resolution paragraph before applying it to your examples. It is still not clear why stable socio-political conditions allow for positive change to occur without a great leader. This idea is not intuitive and therefore needs to be explained. You should also have a concluding sentence.

 

Your ideas are strong but the execution requires work.

 

Overall Mark: 4/6 (Corresponds to approximately a P )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is somewhat addressed. Resolution task is adequately addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 3.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 polarbear89

 

People look to great leaders during difficult times with hopes that the leaders will cause positive social change. Social change is a shift in society is a shift in society ?? and great leaders can initiate these changes. In fact, a great leader may be required to harness the energy of a society to provoke these positive social changes. For example, Pierre Trudeau is considered a great leader in Canadian history. During a time of uncertainty in the country, Pierre Trudeau initiated positive social change that would affect the country for years to come. Trudeau introduced a new policy into Canada that was the first of its kind in the world: The Multiculturalism Policy. This policy acknowledged that though Canada is a bilingual nation, Canada is a country filled with many cultures. This action was mirrored in the provinces of Canada and was also adopted by Australia, another nation that also has many immigrants and many cultures. By creating this policy, Trudeau signaled to the local immigrants, as well as to the international community, that Canada is an accepting nation. This promotion of multiculturalism allowed the assorted cultures of Canada to be officially accepted and respected. Trudeau’s policy has allowed Canada to be proud proud of its multiculturalism and the policy helped allow Canada to be known as being one of the most culturally accepting nations worldwide. This example could be excellent. However, although you establish that there was positive change you do not address the great leader aspect of the prompt. You do not explain how Trudeau was a great leader and why he was necessary for this social change to occur. You need to address all of the elements in a particular prompt.

 

However, on another note word choice, positive social change does not always require a great leader. For example, fundraisers such as Run for the Cure, promote positive social change without the need for a great leader. Run for the Cure is a fundraiser run by the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. The Run collects money for breast cancer research and also raises awareness about breast cancer. This Run enlists word choice positive change by raising awareness of the disease and also by funding research to prevent and treat cancer. A team of volunteers originally founded the Run in Toronto and the Run’s impact increases with the addition of each volunteer. The Run for the Cure events are held in different cities and, as such, are a local event. In a situation of a local initiation of a social change, a great leader is not necessary. Rather, it is important for there to be a cohesive team, in order for these local groups to initiate social change. Excellent.

Whether or not positive social change requires a great leader, depends on how far reaching the extent of the social change intends to be. This is vague and ambiguous. You had an excellent resolution principle that you set up earlier in your essay (national vs. local). That is what you should have used. If the extent of the social change is to be nation-wide or international The issue here is that the way this is expressed does not apply well to your Run for the Cure example. I'm sure that the Canadian Breast Cancer Society wants the Run for the Cure to be nation wide and even international. , it is important for there to be a great leader to unite the people and also serve as a figure for the social change. For instance, Pierre Trudeau’s Multiculturalism Policy affected not only the nation of Canada but also caused effects throughout the world. His leadership created a united voice for the policy and he also became an emblem representing the innovative policy. However, in the case of the Run for the Cure, the events that are held by the organization are local, and thus, it is not necessary for there to be a great leader. Instead, the community works on a local level, as a team, and since the group of people united is smaller, it is not necessary to have a leader representing the cause. Overall, it a great leader is important when the social change is to have an effect on a large scale community. However, if the community is smaller, then it is not necessary to have a great leader in order to effect positive social change. You have some strong ideas. However, the way in which the ideas are expressed needs to be more clear.

 

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is completely addressed. Resolution task is well addressed.

Depth: 4.5

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 chris67

 

Many of the most admirable occurences word choice in human history involve citizens uniting for a cause and causing positive social change, which generally involves an improvement in their quality of life. In most cases, this unity must be initiated by someone with great inherent leadership skills. A great leader is able to convince the people to believe in a cause, and stand up for what they believe is right in an attempt to better their lives and the lives of others. Doing so often involves going against an authority, which many may be reluctant to do, ?? so it is very important that a great leader has excellent motivational skills. An example of such a leader would be George Washington. Your introduction is a bit too long. The example should be the main focus of the prompt. Try expressing your introductory ideas in a more concise manner. The British controlled what is now the United States for over a century, and American citizens did little to attempt to acquire their freedom. George Washington was able to convince the people that they should fight for their independance, which they did and emerged victorious. After gaining its freedom, America was able to prosper socially and economically, and eventually became what it is today. If not for the leadership qualities of George Washington, the United States might look far different in our modern day. Strong. Try cutting down the introduction to add a few more strong points to your discussion of the example.

 

However, it is possible for positive social change to occur without great leadership. On occasion, circumstances make improvement in a society inevitable, so positive social change may occur with simply adequate or even poor leadersip. After the Soviet Union disbanded in 1991, Poland was able to abandon communism and become a democratic country. During this time period the Polish national government was very unstable, with 3 different Presidents taking office over a 5 year period. Twenty years later, none of those Presidents are particularly celebrated by historians or Polish citizens. Despite the lackluster leadership during the early to mid nineties, Polish citizens were able to enjoy a period of economic prosperity. Wages increased and quality of life undoubtebly improved with the adoption of democracy, despite the fact that the country did not have a great leader.

This example could be excellent. However, it is not well explained how this positive social change came about. Just because a country becomes democratic does not automatically entail all of these benefits. It is hard to believe that all of these changes just happened even though they had weak leaders.

 

Ultimately, what decides whether a society requires a great leader for positive social change is whether or not the social change goes against the beliefs of the ruling government. American citizens wanted to be free of British rule, while the British political leaders were unwilling to grant them their independance. Thus, they required a great leader to mobilize them to stand up and fight against the British. Positive social change in Poland during the early to mid nineties came as a result of a change in government, and did not require a great leader. The previous communist government severely lowered the quality of life of Polish citizens, so by simply following the principles of democracy adequate leaders were able to cause positive change in Polish society. Your resolution principle is strong. Your application to the supporting example is strong. The application to the refuting example needs improvement.

 

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is somewhat addressed. Resolution task is well addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5

 

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 MedicalTown

 

When wanting change, there needs to be someone at the forefront directing people and telling them what to do and when they shall do it next. This "director" is what we call in modern words a leader ?? A leader is not a modern term., and he is vital for the inclusion word choice of positive social change to a society. For example, in the early 1990's, the country of South-Africa, like the rest of Africa had always been thought as a grammar third-world country, with no potential to grow and prosper like the western world. South Africa was in the middle of societal tension with the blacks and whites not conforming word choice with each other. All this however changed when the great leader of South Africa came to power. He turned a country which was full of racism, into a country with great power. The full effects of societal change that the 1990's leader of South Africa induced is still seen today. It is quite fascinating to see how in 2010 South Africa was able to host the World Cup of soccer when only twenty years earlier it was considered a third world country. This success is attributed to South Africa's great 1990's leader who even now is still regarded as a hero with respect to South Africa's growth in the world. It is kind of unusual to not include a name. It just makes it sound like you do not know the example in depth. This example could be excellent. However, the explanation needs improvement. There needs to be more specific details since this discussion is too general.

 

There are instances however when positive societal change can be accomplished without a great leader. Such is the case when the people of the society are strong and driven with a common goal in mind. An example of such is seen in strikes. People will come together and decide that they shall not follow the status quo unless change is made. These strikes do not have a specific leader in place, but it is more so a group of individuals with similar beliefs whom are willing to fight for what they believe is true. This discussion is too general and therefore lacks depth.

 

When considering social change, it is quite evident that positive social change can indeed be accomplished with or without a great leader. Good. However, when wanting a large amount of change to be introduced into a society, a leader is of great importance. If only small changes are to be introduced into society, such as an increase of vacation time for flight attendants, small strikes can be done without the need of a leader. Large change vs. small change is not an eloquent way to express this idea. Such small strikes are seen quite frequently in France and rarely utilize a leader. On the other hand, if revolutionalizing societal ideas is the goal in mind, a leader is of great importance. A leader takes into consideration all of the individual’s different view points and puts them together to create a resolution that includes everyone’s suggestions. A leader allows everyone’s voice to be heard, which in all truth, is the reason why change is sought after in the first place anyways. Your resolution paragraph is haphazard in its organization. Try following the standard template for the resolution paragraph in order to better organize your ideas.

http://portal.prep101.com/Forum/yaf_postst58_How-to-write-Writing-Sample-essays.aspx

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 All of the tasks are only somewhat addressed.

Depth: 2.5

Focus and coherence: 3

Grammar and vocabulary: 3.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 DaKirbster

 

Newton's first law of motion states that an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force; although this is a scientific concept, it holds true for society at large. Nice. Society is unlikely to change unless a great leader (i.e. an outside force) acts upon it to bring about social change. A great leader has the power to represent the people and influence others, and can often be the tipping point for introducing change. For example, in the early days of the United States of America, the rights of black people were few and far between. Word choice They were denied justice and equality, forced into segration from white people. Martin Luther King Jr. is a black man who stood up for his rights and encouraged others to do the same. With his thoughtful and influential speeches and ideas he garnered the support of many people across the nation. Eventually, his influence spreaded grammar far enough to elicit equality for black people throughout the governments of the nation. The elimination of racial segregation laws was a positive social change that required King Jr. to lead it. Excellent.

 

However, not all social change requires a great leader. For example, safe injection sites for chronic drug users have been implemented in the city of Vancouver within the last few years. These sites provide clean needles and a supportive environment for the drug user to satisfy his addiction. In addition to drastically reducing the transmission of HIV through the use of clean rather than dirty needles, the program as provided drug quitting strategies for the addicts and changed countless lives. The safe injection site program does not have any particular leader; it is simply an idea that has gained the support of many citizens and politicians through scientific research into its benefits. Even though it is a controversial program, it has been able to successfully implement positive social change without the use of a great leader. Strong.

 

What determines whether or not positive social change requires a great leader depends on if the change directly contradicts current law. In the early United States, the government had deemed that black people were not equal to white people and should thus be given lesser rights. Martin Luther King Jr. was the catalyst that facilitated the change in this law through his great leadership and widespread impact, thus allowing for positive social change through equal rights for black people. On the other hand, the safe injection sites in Vancouver did not oppose any governmental law - they were merely controversial. Upon presentation of some scientific research, without facilitation of a great leader, people became convinced that it could work and approved the program. Consequently, positive social change was brought about by the program that reduced disease transmission and drug use in the streets of Vancouver. While it is true that great leaders can have great influences on people, some ideas have enough inherent worth that they can prove themselves without charistmatic faces transmitting the message.

The resolution principle works but there isn't enough explanation as to what the law has anything to do with whether a leader is required or not. You need to explain why your resolution principle works.

 

Overall Mark: 5.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a S)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 5.5 Supporting task is completely addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is well addressed.

Depth: 5

Focus and coherence: 5.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 5.5

 

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 Drew92

Positive social change is an improvement in the lives, or conditions of some group or community that engineers the change. A great leader is the face for such a movement, a person around whom a group can rally in fighting for social change. History is rife with examples of a great leader being the catalyst for such change. Groups of people, with similar goals in mind, have been united under the leadership of an individual or small group to unite their ideas and see those goals through. This introduction is written in a way that reduces clarity. Try expressing your ideas in a more concise manner. An example of such a leader is Martin Luther King Jr., who was vital in the success of the Civil Rights Movement in the United States of America. What Martin Luther King Jr. did was give a single voice to those looking for change. He united supporters in a common goal, so as to maintain a clear, concise message to the rest of the country. A lack of a similar leader and voice in similar protests, such as the more recent Occupy Wall Street movement, have yielded less success in developing positive social change. This last sentence is out of place and is not a good concluding sentence.

This example could be excellent but the execution needs improvement. You need to explain what positive change was brought about and why Dr. King was required for this positive social change.

 

However, a great leader is not always apparent in positive social change, suggesting that a great leader is not always a prerequisite of social reform. The recent Arab Spring is an example of positive social change, in the eyes of those involved in the change, that did not require a great leader. Unlike Martin Luther King Jr., the message of those involved and advocating for the change was gotten out grammar by faceless entities, relative unknowns who still had access to various forms of media. There was no single great leader involved in funnelling the thoughts and ideas of the people to express it to the rest of the country and/or world, as the ideas of the people were focused and already narrowed. The messages, leaving through such platforms as Facebook, Twitter and **DELETED**, and reaching the world in a novel way, were remarkably united in their significance and meaning. This unity, in the absence of any single, great leader, allowed for successful and cohesive revolt. It led to positive social change, as defined above, in the eyes of those who engineered that change. Strong.

 

Thus, positive social change has not always required a leader; in other cases, the leader has been vital to causing social change. What determines whether or not positive social change requires a leader is if a cohesive voice is needed. This is vague and ambiguous. You want your resolution principle to be clear and easy to apply. A group with many conflicting ideas within a single, broad goal requires a leader to bring order and clarity. During the tumultous times surrounding the Civil Rights Movement, tensions were running high and there were a number of different ideas on how to trigger social change. Some advocated violence, some peace, and others falling somewhere in between. However, with a great leader also came a common rallying point; certain ideas could be fixed upon and this newfound focus and clarity in their conveyance would better reach the rest of the country. Strong application. A great leader was not needed in the Arab Spring, however. A group already united in specific ideas and goals for change do not require a leader to give them a unified voice. This unity was seen by the cohesiveness of the messages escaping to the rest of the world; though they were sent from a great number of different, unknown sources, none of whom were "great leaders", their message was consistent. Since this consistency already existed in the people involved in the Arab Spring, a leader was not need to unify any ideas. It remains to be seen, however, if further social progress will require a great leader in the countries affected, as the ideas and goals of the people for the country begin to lose their unity. Excellent. The resolution principle should have been phrased depends on whether a cohesive voice already exists. That would have been much clearer.

 

Overall Mark: 5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a R )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 5 Supporting task is adequately addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is completely addressed.

Depth: 5

Focus and coherence: 4.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 souljaboy

 

Throughout history, positive social changes in the world often requires a great leader to bring about those changes. The general populace needs the leader to become a figurehead for the cause and be the one to cause the social changes to occur. Mahatma Ghandi was one such leader who brought an end to British imperial rule over India. Prior to Ghandi, British rule over India has lasted for hundreds of years and most of the Indian population objected to their presence. Ghandi become the leader they needed to spearhead the movement for independence from imperial rule. Because of his presence and charisma, Ghandi brought almost all of the Indian population into this cause and the British government had no choice other than to grant India independence. Ghandi was the great leader required to unite the Indian people and to pressure the British government. without a figure like Ghandi, British rule over India would have continued for a longer period of time. Excellent.

 

However, in many cases, positive social change can happen over time without any specific outstanding figure to bring about those changes. In the 1800s in Canada, Chinese workers were brought in to work on the railroads and were almost treated as slaves during the initial periods. They had many strict rules placed on them, one of which is the infamous "head tax". You should explain this further. Over several decades though, most of these rules were removed by the government and the discrimination on the Chinese that was so predominant at the beginning became drastically reduced. In this example, the social change occurred gradually, without any great leaders to bring the changes about. The early chinese population in Canada gained their rights through positive social change over time. Excellent.

 

A great leader is often required to bring about drastic social changes quickly, but most positive social changes will occur over time on their own. This resolution principle needs to be revised and better expressed. Ghandi was a great leader who managed to rally the population and brought India it's independence in a fight over a decade. If he was not present, British rule would have continued much longer. If there is no great leader, positive social change will still occur but will take much longer, as exemplified by the early Chinese population in Canada, who gained their rights over more than a hundred years. Strong.

 

Well done.

 

Overall Mark: 5.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a S)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 5.5 Supporting task is completely addressed. Refuting task is completely addressed. Resolution task is well addressed.

Depth: 5.5

Focus and coherence: 5

Grammar and vocabulary: 5

 

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 medhopeful64

 

The history of humankind is replete with examples of many courageous men and women fighting for positive social change. Social change, or a change in the social order of society that results in the elimination of discrimination of minorities, is often led by a great leader, one who fights to give the minorities a voice. A particular example is Martin Luther King Junior, an African-American who led the Civil Rights Movement in the United States. King organized and led marches for basic rights for African Americans, such as blacks' right to vote, to end desegregation and racial discrimination in the workforce, labor rights, and other basic civil rights. This sentence needs to be revised. King worked extremely hard to force the American Government to recognize not only African-Americans, but other disadvantaged Americans, as valuable, hard working members of American society. His efforts were rewarded with the passing of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the 1965 Voting Rights Act, Acts that outlawed discrimination against African Americans and women, ended racial segregation in schools and the workforce, and gave blacks the right to vote. Thus, it is clear that a positive social change requires a great leader. You make this conclusion without the proper supporting points.

This example could be excellent. However, you do not explain why Dr.king was necessary for the success of the Civil Rights Movement. There is not enough discussion about the role that he played.

 

Yet, there are also examples in (recent) history that positive social change can be achieved without a great leader. The Egyptian Revolution of 2011 is a clear example of this. In January 2011, thousand of grammar Egyptian civilians led a historical protest against the horrific regime of Hosni Mubarak, the then Egyptian President. The uprising was a result of Egyptians becoming fed up with the appalling political and social state of the country, a country plagued by corruption, police atrocities, restriction of elections, extreme unemployment, etc. The Egyptians united and together, rallied against Mubarak's regime. The protest was a sucess; eventually Mubarak resigned from his post, a post he had held for two decades. A positive social change had occurred without the need for a single leader. This was a historical moment, and influenced other Arab countries to follow suit, such as Libya and Yemen. The year of 2011 was dubbed as "The Arab Spring", recognizing several protests and rallies that erupted in 2011, demanding the removal of current rulers in the Middle East. Strong. You should explain why a great leader was not necessary.

Positive social change can occur with or without a great social leader. The factor that determines if positive social change requires a great leader depends on the time. In the past, the people of a nation were subservient to their nation's laws, even discriminatory and quesitonable laws, due to fear, a fear of what could happen to them if they spoke out. This is still true today. In the past, a great leader was required to enact social change because the people of the country were afraid to do so on their own. This is still true today. Martin Luther King, a civil rights activist, was inspired by the non violent civil resistence methods employed by Mahatma Ghandi, another great civil rights activist. At a time point in history where discrimination against blacks was the norm, King rose up to lead African Americans, who would otherwise be afraid of rebellion, to demand the rights they deserved. In the current day, however, people are no longer afraid of the repurcussions of rebellion This isn't true. Syria is an example where people are risking their lives to fight for justice. The Assad Regime tortures prisoners and commits all sorts of atrocities. People are still fighting even though they are naturally afraid. ; they have learned from the past that civil disobedience and protests can lead to positive results. In this day and age, people are also more self reliant and can organize amongst themselves a mass protest or rally using communications technology. Thus a leader is not necessarily required in this day and age to result in a positive social change

Past vs. present can sometimes be an excellent resolution principle. However, in this case your arguments don't make sense and hold up under scrutiny.

Overall Mark: 4/6 (Corresponds to approximately a P)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 donna71

Society undergoes continuous growth and subsequently social change may be an accessory to this progress. Sometimes social change requires and/or must be instigated by a leader. Take for instance the civil rights movement in the 1950s when black Americans did not experience the same equality of rights. Today's relative level of equality was possible through the efforts of leaders such as Martin Luther King who was passionate and persistent in his fight for greater rights and risked his life doing so. Though many black Americans were discontent with the prevailing social conditions, change was not likely to happen without an identified and bold leader as King. Positive social change requires a bold leader who will defy the social conventions or norms of society in order to set a positive example for others to follow. Furthermore leaders with the courage to redefine the values by which society lives helps to challenge and adapt our cultural values for the better. This discussion could be excellent. However, there is not enough discussion about the example. The points in the last part of the paragraph should be discussed within the context of your example.

 

On the other hand, not all positive social change requires a leader but may be led or instigated by ordinary citizens of a leaderless mass. In recent years, Iran has seen a decrease in the rates of marriage and an increase in acceptance of single women who have begun to enter higher professions and education. Marriage was once a measure of female success but the perception of marriage has changed through exposure to Western values so that women have now acquired a greater degree of independence. Female students have slowly gained this independence by circumventing restrictive customs to live alone while studying by donning a ring as a sign of marriage and thus of privilege. Positive social change for women does not necessarily require an identified leader but may arise through education and the decision to take initiative to define success for one's own life. Strong. However, you need to place more emphasis on why this positive social change did not require a leader.

 

Positive social change may be a necessary and inevitable consequence of societal evolution. What determines whether social change requires a leader or not depends on if the change in question pertains to rights or privileges. Should it be the case that society is in need of a change of basic rights, such as in the movement for civil rights in the USA during the 1950s, then a leader may be required in order to stand up and provide a voice for a discriminated minority group. However should it be the case where the change pertains to privileges, such as Iranian women being able to travel independently or study abroad, then it may be the case that such social change does not require a leader but rather through individual actions that collectively gain force. Positive social change should be embraced and accomodated in order to further peaceful progress. Usually rights vs. privileges is a strong resolution principle. However, there are a few issues here. 1) The example of Iran pertains more to the rights of women than privileges. Women should have the right to not get married and to pursue studies. Your example has more to do with the right to make choices for oneself. 2) You do not explain why whether it is rights or privileges makes a difference. You do not explain why your resolution principle works.

 

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is somewhat addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 blue181

 

Positive social change in a country generally means movement towards a society that can better serve its citizens, and allow them to have an improved quality of life. These changes could include movement towards equality, increased human rights, a more stable economy etc. Usually, in order for this kind of revolutionary change to occur a single, great leader must take command so as to ensure the efforts of the nation are focused on a main strategy for change, instead of dispersed among other ideas. Strong intro. Deng Xiaoping, a former leader of the Communist Party of China, exemplifies this type of great leader. In the 1980’s, he led China towards a complete market reform that renewed the country’s prosperity. Before this great economic reform, China functioned under a planned style economy, where the government alone dictated the use of all resources, as well as controlled their distribution and pricing. There were no private enterprises, and the country was closed to foreign trade. While this type of economy coincided well with Communist ideals, it simply did not provide enough jobs, resources, or money to support China’s huge population, and as a result the people suffered. However, under Deng Xiaoping’s leadership, he developed a strategy that would slowly, but surely move China towards a more Capitalist market economy. Included in this strategy was the opening up to foreign markets, handing over control of resources to private corporations, and focus on modern technological developments. With these changes, control of the economy was handed from the government to the people. This idea is questionable since the government of China still holds all of the power. The country’s wealth grew exponentially along with the wealth of its citizens, and the country’s growing prosperity greatly improved the quality of life of its people. In this case, the positive social changes in China that occurred along with its economic reform could not have happened without Deng Xiaoping’s leadership, as it was his vision and long-term strategy that allowed China to move away from its ailing, out-dated economy, and began its reform into a more prosperous market style economy. Excellent.

 

However, sometimes a country can undergo positive social change without the need of a leader. The revolt in Egypt that occurred last year is an example of how the citizens of Egypt used strength in numbers to bring down the government of President Hosni Mubarak. Before the revolt, Hosni Mubarak had been president for decades. During his rule the Egyptian society was very unstable; the country suffered from poverty, unemployment, and rampant government corruption. The people realized that there needed to be a change, and it had to begin with overthrowing Mubarak’s failing authoritarian regime. Thus, early in 2011, without a leader the people of Egypt took to the streets of Cairo to protest regarding the poor state of their country, and the fraudulent nature of the government. Citizens were motivated to join the protests through messages on social media networks like Twitter and Facebook, but there was never a single leader who stood out to lead the revolt – it was a joint effort by all the citizens. Because there was not a leader, the protests became chaotic and almost out of control, but in the end they served their purpose as Mubarak eventually agreed to step down. In 2012 Egypt held their first presidential elections since Mubarak’s dominating rule. Thus, it would seem that overthrowing Mubarak’s corrupt government was a huge, positive step towards a freer grammar and more democratic society, as it created hope for a more prosperous future. In this case, Egyptians were able to create a positive social change in their society through mass revolt, without the need of a single, unifying leader. Excellent.

 

Overall, whether or not positive social change needs a great leader depends on if the change requires a strategy to accomplish or not. This is not going to work for your examples because both of the examples you put forth required a strategy. Social changes like the economic reform of China are accomplished over many years, and require specific and complex economic strategies that not all citizens would understand. Thus, there needs to be a leader like Deng Xiaoping who can continuously unify, and guide the country through the strategy in order to steadily work towards a positive change without disrupting the political stability of the country. However, the revolt in Egypt was not an organized revolution. This is not true. People organized very large rallies and protests. The Egyptians were not concerned with maintaining any kind of order or stability while working towards a social change This is also untrue and unfair to the Egyptian people. , they simply wanted to overthrow their government, and were willing to do anything to accomplish that task. Thus, their protests were driven by fury, not by strategy. Their strategy was to oust the ruling regime. In such a case, when a clear strategy to follow is not needed, neither is a leader.

The resolution principle doesn't work for your examples. Furthermore, some of your points regarding the Egyptian revolution are a bit misguided. It was an organized and largely peaceful revolution. The way you describe it in your resolution paragraph is disrespectful.

 

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is completely addressed. Refuting task is completely addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 4.5

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 5.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 meniscus

 

Social change is brought about by leaders. This absolute wording is going to undermine your refuting arguments. This type of change affects the majority of citizens in a city, province/state, or country. Beneficial social change usually needs a great leader. This introduction needs improvement. It lacks cohesiveness, depth and is choppy. For example, Mayor Eddie Francis played a key part in helping the city of Windsor get more bike paths on the streets. Before bike paths were made, cylists just rode their bikes on the road and cars had to swear grammar around these cyclist to pass them. Some cyclists have been hit by careless drivers, who did not leave enough spaces for cyclists on the roads. Francis listen to grammar citizens complaints about road safety for cyclists and gave the ok to make multiple bike paths in the city. Leaders of cycling shops were not sucessful in getting bike trails on their own because they were not able to show that other citizens were also concerned about road safety for cyclists. Eddie Francis is well liked by Windsorites and demonstrates great leadership by sitting on multiple councils in the city and doing his best to make the city better. For instance, he also sits on the police fraud committee and helped a local doctor seek justice for a dirty cop who beat him on the ground for no apparent reason. Therefore, positive social change requries great leaders. This example could work but the execution needs improvement. The way that it is described lacks depth. The argument is not strongly made and the wording is too general.

 

However, positive social change does not always require a great leader. For example, past Thailand Mayor Lo Ng helped pass a law would prohibit grammar prostitution in the city of Hong. He passed a law that would find citizens grammar $500 and a one month prison sentence. In the past, there have been a number of sexually transmitted infections passed on from prostitues and health offical were grammar concerned of the life threatening grammar infections. Ever since the law has been passed, there have been prostitutes have been rarely grammar seen on the streets or operating privately. However, the Mayor was not sucessful in decreasing illegal drug sales in the city even though many citizens complained of the black market sales of drugs. How is this relevant to your discussion of prostitution? The Mayor only had a limited amound of funds to enforce laws due to the the poor state of the country. Thus, he was only able to address a few issues. However, it was believed that if he allocated the city's funds, he would have been able to address all the major issues in the city, which include drug sales and prostitution. This discussion does not address the refuting task. Grammar and spelling are a significant issue.

 

Thus, what determines whether positive social change requires a great leader or not depends on the wealth of the city. In a wealthy city, great leaders are need to bring grammar about positive social change. In a poor city, a great leader is not required to bring about positive social change. In the city of Windsor, a relatively wealthy city, Mayor Francis led through his great leadership and implemented bike paths onto the city roadings, making the roads safer for Windsorites. In the city of Hong, a poor city, Mayor Ng failed to address all the important issue in the city, but was able to ban prostitution and decrease the spreading of STIs.

This resolution principle could work well. However, you do not explain why whether the city is wealthy or not makes a difference.

 

Overall Mark: 1.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a K)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 1.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is not addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 1.5

Focus and coherence: 2

Grammar and vocabulary: 2

[RaymondPrep101]

The object of education should be to teach skills, not values.

 

Education is a crucial aspect to students of all ages. The purpose of an education is to lay down the skills and not values for an individual to be successful. Skills is defined as a set of tools that are the foundation of student's education. It is largely reinforced by repetition and memorization, and can allow the student to expand their basic understanding as the years progress.On the other hand, value is a slightly more advanced set of tools that we use to make everyday decisions in society.

 

An example of where skills are taught is during the early years of elementary school. In the Ontario education curriculum, grade 1-9 students are required to take English and Mathematics courses every year. These courses both build on a student's foundation to enable them to get a holistic and solid grasp on a language that they will commonly use and mathematical tools that will allow them to develop logic thinking and numerical understanding. These set of skills are important at this age because with a solid ground of knowledge, a student can easily succeed and continue to develop.

 

However, there are situations where the purpose of education may be to teach values rather than skills. For example, at the University of Toronto, the education system encompasses broad spectrum of courses that enables the students to learn more about values rather than skills, which they have already acquired. For example, courses such as Bioethics or Sociology that students take focus highly on teachings of moral reasoning and social behaviour. The course really allows the students to develop in mature adults in knowing how to behave, communicate, empathesize and care for others based on certain values that the courses teach. Teaching a skill in this scenario would be futile because every scenario in society concerns different factors and learning to memorize a certain skill would not be useful in this case.

 

Where does education draw the line? At a young age, when the brain is primed for absorbing basic and fundamental knowledge, the purpose of educating a skill is much more valuable than introducing values. A skill is solidified by repetition and rote memorization which is easily strengthened in younger age groups. As the student advances to adulthood, values are more important for them since they are starting to understand the society and are learning how to apply themselves based on the values that they have been taught.

 

Thank you!!

 

Sorry, this is not the right prompt. I can only mark essays submitted for the most current writing prompt.

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 perspectives

 

Positive social changes have contributed to a rich history of improvements in our society and thus leading to a better place to live. Often, these changes require the actions of a great leader; someone with a vision and the ability to execute his/her plan. A great leader is often required in order to initiate the changes as it may be risky to challenge the status-quo. Take for example Martin Luther King Junior, who led the Civil rights movement in order to pursue changes that would bring about greater equality. Martin Luther King was at the forefront of the movement, often leading protests demanding equality and giving speeches to motivate others to join his fight to end racial discrimination. Martin Luther King's actions as a leader for the Civil Rights movement were necessary and required for the eventually passing of bills that finally freed African- American's from segregation and discrimination. Dr. King is a very strong example. However, you need to elaborate upon why he was required.

 

However, there are also instances where a great leader is not required for positive social change. One specific example of such is the recent incident over post-secondary education tuition fees in Quebec. They are fighting for a beneficial social change in that every Quebec resident will have a chance at an education without paying extravagant fees. However, up to this point there is no recognizable face to associate the movement with. There is no leader that has spoken out or led marches publicly to fight for this movement such as the way Martin Luther King did. This incident shows that although although a leader if often necessary, it is not universally true. This example could be strong. However, the explanation is a bit sparse and the argument is underdeveloped.

 

Whether or not a great leader is required to initiate positive social changes is contingent on the scale of the changes desired. For changes that affect the entire nation, a great leader is most likely required in order to motivate others and gaining support grammar from others. Such is the case for Martin Luther King and his Civil Rights movement, which affected the entire economic and social landscape of America. In a more local and smaller scale of change, such as in the tuition hike movement in Quebec, a leader may not be required to reach the desired goal. Therefore, one can see that positive social changes may come about whether there is a great leader or not. The resolution principle of scale could be excellent. However, there is not a thorough explanation as to why scale matters. You don't explain why your resolution principle works.

 

You have great ideas but the execution requires improvement as the arguments are underdeveloped.

 

Overall Mark: 4/6 (Corresponds to approximately a P)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is adequately addressed. Resolution task is somewhat addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 3.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 ZiranMeng

 

They marched for over four hundred kilometers. It was a march against oppression. It was a march against the egregious injustice of tyranny. Under the sweltering heat of Southern India, these millions upon millions of individuals marched for freedom. At the helm of the Indian Independence Movement was a man by the name of Mahatma Ghandi. Loving, caring, and selfless, it is indisputable that this visionary was a great leader. His legacy reverberates through time and space Space?. Decades later on the other side of the globe, hundreds of thousands gathered at Lincoln Memorial to listen to a man influenced by the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi. The man spoke of a dream, of equality, and of the unalienable rights of man; he spoke of freedom. There is also no question that Martin Luther King Jr. was also a great leader. Without these great men, the positive social changes of the Indian Independence Movement and the American Civil Rights movement would not have been possible. Either of these examples could be excellent. However, you should choose one. Two underdeveloped examples is not better than one well developed example. Your discussion was creative but not effective at forming an argument that addresses the supporting task. Try sticking to the standard template for the supporting paragraph.

 

However, not all positive social change requires great leaders. An example would be the Potatoes for the People group based in Calgary, Canada. The group takes abandoned and derelict lots and transforms them into mini-farms whereupon they grow produces grammar such as potatoes. They then send their products of labour to local homeless shelters such as The Mustard Seed. Potatoes for the People is led by ordinary volunteers from the community, showing that not all positive social changes require great individuals. Strong. A bit more elaboration is necessary.

 

Whether or not positive social change requires great leaders or can be initiated by ordinary citizens depends on the scale of the change. If the change is earth-shattering word choice, and goes against the pre-existing political and social conditions, then great individuals are required. However, if the change builds upon the current infrastructure then ordinary individuals will suffice. The Indian and American movements resulted in changes that shook the foundation of their respective societies. The former ended centuries of colonialism by the British; the latter pushed American society further towards racial equality. On the other hand, the Potatoes for the People group were merely improving upon the cleared lots that have already existed. Thus, it seems that the leader befits the change. Excellent.

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is completely addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 31 ann2012

 

In any type of society whether it’s democratic, communistic, or socialist, conversions are required to promote improvements of the existing form of society ???. These social conversions are meant to bring positive impacts on society and to eliminate any existing event that is unfit for the current form of society. However, these social changes are sometimes restrained by the people in power, because these changes may threat the grammar powerful people's benefits, or the changes may be viewed as harmful by the conservatives. Thus, to bring out revolutions that benefit the people in the existing society, a great leader is needed to rally the people, who are urging of changes. This introduction is a bit too long. The writing style is a bit too long winded. More is not always better. Try expressing your ideas in a more concise manner. For example, Martin Luther King, Jr. is one well-known great leader of social revolution. King is known for his prominent leadership in the African-American Civil Rights Movement and his use of nonviolent methods to bring changes upon the United States society. A number of famous speeches were done by King in order to promote the changes against racial segregation and racial discrimination, and to rally the African-Americans, who are urging of those changes. King finally succeeded and won the Noble Peace Prize for his great leadership and for the benefits he brought among the U.S. society. Thus, a great leader is needed to bring the people together for positive social conversions. Dr.King is a strong example. However, you need to explain why he was required for this social change.

 

On the other hand, when majority grammar of the public is requiring changes in the existing society, a leader may not be essential. Take the large protest word choice known as Arab Spring as an example. The revolutionary wave of protests occurring in the Arab world was so strong, in which rulers in power were forced to settle with the conversions grammar their people is demanding for. Numerous factors have led to the protests, including issues such as dictatorship, human right violations, government corruption, and extreme poverty. A major slogan of the protesters in the Arab world has been "the people want to bring down the regime". Protests have met violent responses from authorities however, the protest group is so large that it cannot be easily controlled by the government forces. As a result, revolutions occurred in most countries in the Arab world as the public demanded. This example could be excellent. However, the execution needs improvement. The discussion needs to be more focused on addressing the refuting task.

 

Therefore, whether a leader is required for revolutions that bring greater benefits for more people in society depends on the dominance of the group that's demanding for conversions conversion is just not a good word to be using. . If the change is required by the minority of the public, such as the case of the African-Americans, then a greater leader like Martin Luther King, Jr. is needed for their success. However, if the majority of the people that dominant the grammar society is demanding for conversions grammar , then a great leader is not essential. Since, the people in power are obviously going to face protests and other challenges, due to their ignorance of the public's needs such as, the many countries that's involved in the huge protest known as Arab Spring. Thus, leader is required for the minority of the public to speak up for their wills, and a leader is not essential when the government's current policy is against the favor of the majority. This is excellent. However, the writing style needs to be improved.

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is adequately addressed. Refuting task is adequately addressed. Resolution task is completely addressed.

Depth: 4.5

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 3

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 32 perspectives

 

Although there are many different industries in business, they all can relate back to one common goal - profit. A successful business will attempt to maximize profits by implementing a strategy to optimize revenue producing venues and minimizing operating expenses. However, such a method of making profit may have a short life cycle. As in all business life cycles, there will come a time when a product will become obsolete. Thus, even with a successful method, there may come a time when change is necessary or it will lead to net losses. Take for example the once successful communications giant Research in Motion (RIM), most famous for their line of smart phones, Blackberry, and the BBM functionality. This company continued use of their method over grammar due its profitable and successful life cycle. While they continued to stick by their Blackberry smart phones, each successive product had little changes from the previous product. Thus, as other competitors adapted to the changing demands of the open market, consumers began to substitute the Blackberry products for others such as Apple's Iphone, or Samsung's S series. RIM's business method was successful, but its extended usage has led the business to its current all time low. This discussion is strong. Your introduction was a bit too long. If you had diverted some of that energy/time to elaborating and expanding upon your example, that would have made this discussion excellent.

 

In other industries, where the demands are less dynamic, a successful method may be timeless in its use. Such a business may be able to continue a business strategy for extended periods of time without failure. Take for example the food and restaurant businesses, which cater to consumers' demand for a pleasant place to indulge in food. A successful chain such as Swiss Chalet has implemented the same business model over many years and yet remains profitable. This is because in the food and restaurant business, client's demands will almost timelessly revolve around good food, good value, and comfort. As long as a business can continue to provide those essentials, they will continue to be successful. Strong. Again, there needs to be a bit more development and elaboration.

 

Therefore, the question that remains is: when is it that using a business method for too long results in failure? One of the main contingencies word choice is the nature of the industry the business is in. This is vague and ambiguous. You want your resolution principle to be clear and easy to apply. A dynamic industry that is constantly changing requires business to keep up with the new innovative ideas of its competitors. RIM was innovative in their product at one time, but as time passed, other businesses were able to surpass RIM with a myriad of new and improved products of their own. The technology industry requires businesses to constantly be aware of such innovations and adopt new business methods because the field changes rapidly. However, food and restaurants are a staple of human and their history, thus a successful method of business from the past may still be successful in the present and in the future. As long as the restaurant is able to provide the quintessential needs of comfort, and good food at a reasonable cost, consumers will be happy to return. It is evident that there are times when a business model must change to adapt to the changes of the market, however, some preferences remain timeless and universal. Strong.

 

Overall Mark: 5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a R)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 5 All of the tasks are well addressed.

Depth: 5

Focus and coherence: 4.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 32 donna71

 

Businesses thrive upon having clear objectives and a method or model to guide these objectives. However sometimes a business that relies heavily on the same successful method for too long can be detrimental.grammar Take for instance Kodak, a leader and pioneer in photography technology that rose to eminence from its trademark Kodak film. However as digital photography started to gain popularity, Kodak introduced digital technologies but continued to focus on their trademark film and experienced losses. This was their downfall and they filed for bankruptcy early in 2012. Therefore by continually relying on their successful model of marketing their strength in film, Kodak failed to adapt and take advantage of the changing market demands for digital media.The market demands of the 1970s are not the same as the markets today. Excellent.

On the other hand, continually using a successful method may not always lead to failure. Walmart is a well known household name as the company has built its reputation for outselling many of its competitors to provide affordable goods. Walmart has continually grown and many businesses also complain about the company's presence in local communities and cities as the local and smaller businesses are unable to successful compete grammar with the giant. Walmart's business method of offering quality low-priced items is likely to enable its continual growth and success as many citizens would rationally want to pay less than is necessary for groceries and other household necessities. Therefore so long as other competitors offer similar products at higher prices, Walmart's lower price guarantee will be likely to attract most prospective customers. Strong.

 

Businesses must find ways to attract and retain customers in order to thrive and succeed. What determines whether using a successful method for an extended period will lead to failure or not depends on if the products cater to our needs or wants. Excellent principle. Should the products cater to our wants, such as Kodak's technologies for photography, then a business's use of the same method may lead to failure since society's demands and wants evolve and change over time and therefore businesses must adapt to these changes. However should the business products pertain to needs, such as groceries or basic household products offered by Walmart, then its successful method of reduced prices will enable its continued success as customers rationally want to obtain necessities at minimal cost. It is important for businesses to recognize and develop appropriate business methods depending on the products and services offered. Excellent.

 

Overall Mark: 5.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a S )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 5.5 Supporting task is completely addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is completely addressed.

Depth: 5.5

Focus and coherence: 5.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 5

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 32 tms

 

The primary goal of a business is to ensure a stable flow of revenue and be able to make a profit. This allows for cash flow into the business and determines the survival of the business in the short-term as well as long-term. Businesses use various different methods to secure a steady flow of revenues including creating new and innovative products, establishing a brand through marketing strategies and many others. In business, using a successful method that has been tested and tried over a long period of time may lead to failure since it overlooks the changing needs of the customers and competition in the market. This is especially true for businesses that thrive on fulfilling the wants of the customers by selling non-essential products and services because for such products and services, the customer may easily turn to other similar products/services or easily change his/her wants to a different type of product. Your introduction is too long. You should save some of the ideas for the resolution paragraph and express other ideas in a more concise manner. For example, Research in Motion (RIM) is a well-known technology giant in Canada that produces blackberry devices. It’s stocks grammar have recently crashes grammar to a all-time grammar low of $7.29 in comparison to $140 in 2005. Critics from the Los Angelos Technology and Economics Bureau had creditted such losses on the fact that RIM has been using a business method that has been successful in the past but over the long-run, it has led to the company’s failure. RIM is following a simple method of releasing new products in order to combat any negative effects on the company’s economic state. This is what almost all companies do. In fact, RIM has been using this method since the very beginning of its existence but such an approach fails to acknowledge the ongoing changes in the attitudes and demands of the customers and the changing competition in the market. As a result, experts from the Los Angelos Technology and Economics Bureau claim that such an approach is not sufficient to prevent the company from failing. The example of RIM would be excellent here. But the execution of the example especially in explaining their methodology needs improvement.

 

However, it is not always necessarily true that using a successful model for too long will lead to failure of a business. Use of a sucessful model by a business or organization that provides essential goods and services in order to fulfill the needs of the customers does not lead to failure. In this case, customers rely on the goods or services for their daily functioning and can not easily switch to other similar products/services or easily change their needs. These ideas should be saved for the resolution paragraph. For example, due to the increased numbers of dual income families in Toronto since the 1990’s, there has been an increased demand for daycare services. In order to fulfill such needs of families in Toronto, the provincial and municipal governments have used the model of subsidized funding where the parents are required to pay a portion of the fees while the government covers the rest of the cost. The model of subsidized funding for public services has been used by the Canadian government on a fedeal, provincial and municipal scale since the 1950’s. It is a tried and tested model that has been successful for other public services such as senior homes and disability centres. As a result, the use of this successful model by the government in the long haul for the provision of essential services has led to wide acceptance and success of various subsidized public services, including day care services in Toronto. This is okay. However, the government is not technically a business.

 

In conclusion, whether or not using a successful model for too long leads a business to failure depends on the kinds of products and services the business provides. If the business is selling non-essential goods and services to fulfill the wants of the customers, using a successful model for too long can lead the business into failure since it fails to acknowledge the changing dynamics of the demands of the customers and the competition on the market, as seen in the case of RIM’s crashing stocks due to following the same approach and business model since the company’s existence. Run-on sentence. In contrast, if the business is selling an essential product or service that the customers need, following a successful business model for too long will not lead to failure as seen in the case of subsidized daycare funding in Toronto. In this case, subsidization is a tried and tested business model that has been used by the Canadian government since the 1950’s. It is well accepted by the public and when applied to the delivery of essential goods and services that fulfill the needs of the customer, it has led to success in the long run. Strong.

 

Overall Mark: 4.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a Q )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4.5 Supporting task is adequately addressed. Refuting task is adequately addressed. Resolution task is well addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 32 qw098

 

Right off the bat, I see that you are not using the standard three paragraph template for the writing sample essay. You should follow the template as it has been refined over many years and is the most effective method of tackling the writing sample.

http://portal.prep101.com/Forum/yaf_postst58_How-to-write-Writing-Sample-essays.aspx

 

In a world that is always changing, reusing ideas and reusing similar methods can lead to failure. We live in a world where we always want something to be "new" and "different". A prime example of this concept is the iphone. Every year a new iphone is sold. Is the reason a new iphone is sold because Apple has made a better and much improved version of the current iphone? No, it is simply because the consumer doesn't want their old and stale iphone; they want something new. This example is the underlying reason why using the same method over an over again leads to failure. The consumer relates repetitiveness and similiarity with antiquity and diminished quality. The writing style is too casual for a formal essay like the writing sample. Rhetorical questions are not usually effective for the writing sample essay. Your arguments contradict each other.

The same prevalent theme of using the same successful method for too long can lead to failure is seen in the music industry as well. grammar In the early 1990's, boy bands were starting up and were becoming very successful. However, when the 2000's hit, their popularity greatly diminished. Now in 2012, even though boy band popularity is at the lowest, there are still many recording groups who are willing to sponsor new boy bands which only leads to failures. What was once a successful method, investing money in a boy band, is nothing but a successful failure today. The writing style and execution need improvement. This example could work well but it is not explained in a way that strongly addresses the supporting task.

 

However, using the same successful method does not always lead to failure. An old expression says: "When something is rolling, stick with it", and that is exactly what McDonalds has done. Their recipe for success has been a standard and non-changing one for over thirty years: Sell cheap food that can be made fast and efficiently. With over one billion people served worldwide one can be sure that McDonalds has endured a lot of success. McDonalds is an excellent example. However, the argument here is too sparse.

 

Determining if using a successful method for too long may lead to failure greatly depends on what type of business you are involved in. In a business where "new" and "better" is what is always strived for, reusing the same methods is bound to lead to detrimental effects. Such business sectors are the cellphone industry, automobile industry, computer industry and etc. On the flip side, when considering aspects of life that can not truly be improved, using the same successful method over and over again does not lead to failure. Food has been a staple on Earth for millions of years, and not much has changed on how we want our food. When we are hungry we want are food now, and because food is a neccesity, it better be cheap. This is exactly the formula that has worked for many years and that will keep on working. In the food industry, if the consumer can acquire his food cheaply and swiftly, success will always trump failure.

You have some solid ideas here. However, your resolution principle needs to be expressed in a more concise manner. You also need to apply your resolution principle to your supporting example (boy bands).

 

Overall Mark: 3.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately an O )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is adequately addressed. Resolution task is somewhat addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 3

Grammar and vocabulary: 3

[RaymondPrep101]

Prompt 32 sixstar

 

One of the most important objectives of a business is to be successful. Many businesses spend a great deal of time and money to develop a business method that can bring success to the company. Once a particular business method, defined as the way a company conducts their operations (including how a company desgins and markets their products), is found to be successful, it would seem intuitive that the business should not "fix something that isn't broken." However, there have been instances where a successful method being used for too long may lead to the failure of the business. For instance, the company Research in Motion (RIM), the developers of the "Blackberry" line of mobile phones, has been recently facing financial difficulty after many years of being one of the most successful mobile phone producers. When the Blackberry phones where first released in the mid-2000s, they revolutionized mobile communication with their instant messaging system, known as BBM. This line of phone was especially popular in the business community, and soon became one of the most popular mobile phones in America. Along with their success, RIM's stock prices soared to all-time highs of above $50. RIM's Blackberry product line, with their revolutionary BBM messenging system proved to be a very successful business method. Considering the success of their original product, RIM did not make any significant changes to their Blackberry products, beyond minor product and software updates. However, after the release of products such as the Apple iPhone and Google Android cell phones in that late 2000s, Blackberry saw their market share fall significantly. Many technology critics attributed this delcine in market share to Blackberry's inability to adapt to the ever changing market with new phone desgins and new software. Eventually, RIM's stock fell to below $10, exemplifying how using a succesful business method for too long can lead to failure. Excellent.

 

However, continuing to use a successful business method might not always lead to failure. For instance, the toy company Lego, has kept the same basic product design for over 50 years. The reason that Lego has been able continue grammar to be a successful business selling toy bricks that haven't changed their basic desgin since they were first released, is that their unique product faces few major competitiors. From the vibrant colors of the bricks, to the interlocking system, Lego produces a toy that few toy companies replicate. As such, when a child wants to purchase a building-block toy, they often find that a Lego product is their only option. Due to the fact that Lego has such a strong control of the toy building-block market, the Lego company can dictate how their business operates, rather than than the consumer. As such, Lego's toy building blocks have not changed in product style for over 50 years, but still continue to be one of the most popular toy building blocks on the market. Excellent.

 

It seems that what determines whether using a successful business method for too long leads to failure is the market environment. This is vague and ambiguous. Be clear at the outset of presenting your resolution principle.In a highly competitive market, such as the market which Blackberry faced with both Apple and Google having introducing their grammar own mobile phones, a company must constantly change their methods, especially their products, in order to adapt to the market. If a company fails to adapt to the market, and continues to follow the same business method, the other competitiors will gain a larger market share, leading to the failure of a business. However, if a company is in a market with little competition, such as the toy building-block mkaret and Lego, the company can continue to use the same successful business method, without endangering the business. As Lego produces a relatively unique product in a market that faces no similiar competition, they have maintained the same design of their toy over many years, while still being a successful company. Therefore, in the business world, the success or failure of a company depends more on the market in which they are in, rather than the business method in itself. Excellent.

 

Well done.

Overall Mark: 6/6 (Corresponds to approximately a T)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 6 All of the tasks are completely addressed.

Depth: 6

Focus and coherence: 6

Grammar and vocabulary: 5