I am an outcast

[MistyCove]

Hi, this is my first time posting but I am a long time lurker so I am well versed in this forum's community.

 

Anyways, I just came here to honestly vent more than anything. I am a black premed, who also has Klinefelter's disease, not to mention being generally ugly as well. And to make matters worse I am gay/asexual (I'm attracted to men but I would never have sex with one, as I find even watching sex makes me uncomfortable/nauseous). As anyone can see this combination makes life pretty difficult for me, I've never met anyone even close in personality or looks to me and it seems like I never will. People are generally put off but how I appear (I look rather feminine) and I always have to overcompensate for this by being extremely nice and funny and as such have made some friends in my life but they barely invite me anywhere because I am just so much different from them and would just make things awkward.

 

But how does this relate to me being a pre-med? Well I try really hard to get the marks that I need and I seem to be doing okay (3.8 ish GPA), but in terms of EC's I'm a fish out of water. Every volunteering club/organization I join I am like the only black person there, and am immediately ostracized (by which I mean I am less a part of the group, there isn't any overt racism). I try to volunteer in this groups, but I never seem to be wanted and have a hard time making friends or being memorable to them, making every volunteer outing I take a hellish experience. As such I can pretty much kiss any chance of being in an exec position goodbye. Also, for some EC's that require interviews, I am always rejected for some reason. As a result I have taken some interview lessons and have tried to improve my demeanor in such situations but to no avail. I honestly suspect it's a combination of my looks and my voice (I have a lisp). And it doesn't help my feelings that I am usually rejected quickly after an interview (within a few hours) and that I am always rejected in favor of the nice looking extroverted guys/girls. I am so envious of them honestly it hurts my chest just to look at them.

 

If I can never interview or be a meaningful part of any EC I am always asking myself whether I should even bother with medicine. I mean, medical schools require an interview and once they see me I am already starting the interview off to a disadvantage (let's face it, looks do matter). And I can't overcompensate for it because my EC's will be terrible. Honestly I just wish that as a reward for being born in this miserable state that I would at least be successful in this.

[broom]

That sounds really difficult. Please don't be discouraged from medicine if that's your passion. You didn't mention your age, but I still think you have a lot of time to pursue your passions. I don't know if you tried any of these, but these two came to mind:

 

- Working in a laboratory — very generic recommendation but I do think it's a good fit. Science in general is meritocratic and so being successful in a lab may have nothing to do with social skills. I have developed very good friends working in labs because if you spend a lot of time there you eventually have to grab dinner and lunch and get to really know the people you are working with

- Try to make a social change — you are an academically successful adult in a difficult situation. That's not common. Most people in this forum (I presume) don't face these sort of diseases and still many of us have difficulties in school. What about going to a local hospital and talking to patients who are facing difficulties? You mentioned being able to be funny and sociable, which are huge assets when patient visiting. And also, hospitals are usually less likely to judge people.

 

I don't know what your interests are, but let that lead where you go with your ECs. Don't think about them like a resume, think about it like it's your time to do things you care about. There are so many organizations that need people to help them, find organizations that you identify with and talk to them. I really think it's brave of you to post this and best of luck with your ECs and future career in medicine.

[FrenchToast]

Please don't let these things get you down. It sounds like you're in a great place academically, and in terms of your social life and ECs, things may not be as bad as they seem right now. I know it's hard, but things can get better.

 

First off, I feel where you're coming from. I too often feel like an outcast. I am undeniably ugly. I guess I'm also a bit on the asexual side, because I'm very self-conscious about my body, so I don't think I could ever have sex. I often feel ostracized in this overly sexualized culture in which we live.

 

In terms of social life:

I really believe that if you look hard enough, you'll be able to find people who are similar to you. It may not be easy, but I think it's possible. I would try not to focus on finding friends who are similar to you overall, but maybe if you looked for people with specific similarities, they might be able to understand you more and sympathize more. These people likely wouldn't hesitate to include in their social activities. You could try looking into support groups for people with sex chromosome diseases, you could try LGBT clubs, etc. You could even find people in groups based on your other interests.

 

In terms of ECs:

The research suggestion that someone else made is a really good one. I know you said you've tried volunteering, but I think you should keep trying. If you find something you really love, it can be very rewarding. You don't necessarily have to be chummy with the other volunteers. I've found that volunteering positions tend to require interviews, but the volunteer coordinators at charitable organizations are often extraordinarily kind-hearted, sympathetic individuals. (Actually, on a side note, my two favourite places that I've volunteered have had feminine, gay men as coordinators. If you happen to be in the Toronto area - or willing to travel there - and happen to be interested in volunteering at a long-term care hospital or for an education program for adults with special needs, feel free to send me a PM .) Also, don't worry so much about feeling like you're the only black person. Are you from an area that isn't very multicultural? It always seems to me that most places that I go are such ethnic mixed-bags. If you're in a predominantly white area and it makes you feel uncomfortable, you could always consider moving to a major city upon graduating. Also, with regards to an exec position, I'm in the same boat. These are mostly popularity contests, and not everyone is cut out for that kind of role. Will it hinder your (our ) chances at med school? Maybe. Does not being a club exec mean one would not be a suitable doctor? Probably not, but life just isn't fair. You can just try to compensate for it in other ways on your application.

 

Also, it seems like a lisp could be difficult in an interview. I know it seems wrong, but the interviewer could worry that it could somehow hinder your performance in the position for which you're applying. Have you tried seeing a speech language pathologist? Maybe it's fixable, and maybe that could help boost your confidence.

 

As far as being ugly in an interview goes, yes it probably puts people like us at a disadvantage. However, I honestly can't believe that it would dampen one's chances TOO much. As you've said, you just need to compensate in other ways. I know it seems unfair, but that's life. I hate to be blunt, but based on your description of yourself, the only things that would immediately be obvious to an interviewer are that you're (a) black, which shouldn't affect anything, ( ugly, which puts you at a slight disadvantage, and © you have a lisp, which could be remediable (if not, just make sure to make it clear that you are otherwise an excellent communicator). All is not lost. Do you suffer from a lack of self-confidence? Maybe that could be what's holding you back in interviews.

 

Hang in there. You have the potential to be an excellent doctor, and don't let being different hold you back.

 

I truly wish you all the best.

[Intrepid86]

I'm going to preface my response by saying that I can't relate to your situation, so I'm not going to pretend like I understand what you've been through. But I'll say this; you're a student who seems to make decent grades, but has some difficulty with interviews and ECs... which I would say is pretty normal among aspiring med school candidates.

 

You need to stop worrying about things you can't control (e.g., what anyone else thinks about you, or how much more attractive someone is etc). I have a feeling those things are constantly in the back of your mind, and now it's starting to affect your interaction with other people. You'll come off as being insecure, lacking confidence, or otherwise sending some sort of unintended negative signal.

 

Focus on your grades and mcat. All interviews (for med school, not student-led clubs) basically boil down to dressing well and speaking thoughtfully. Dressing well and having good hygiene is more important than being naturally good looking; don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Just do your best and work on expressing yourself. Things like EC's and grad degrees are most important for borderline applicants (people on the verge of admittance, but who tend to get wait listed). These secondarily considered items help compare applicants to one another, but are far less important than items for primary consideration: grades, mcat and interview.

 

A final word of advice: Never put yourself down. There are lots of people in this world who will do that for you.

[MistyCove]

Hi all! Thanks for your support I honestly didn't expect anyone to actually reply to this but it's great that you have.

 

Sorry I never talked about it in my post, but my family is really religious and I love them dearly, but if they really knew I had Klinefelter's/was gay they would never even speak to me again, and would likely kick me out of their house. And the lack of black people isn't really in my university but in the volunteering clubs (I go to uni in Toronto). Thanks for the offer FrenchToast, but I'm not really comfortable with anyone who's read this post to know my identity real life (I really too scared for that at this point, making this post is unnerving enough).

 

I can't really do anything related to my LGBT status or else my parents would likely find out. I have tried applying for lab positions but have been rejected for most of them (both inside and outside school). The lab positions inside of school because of my general lack of professor networking and outside of school because of my lack of references (I don't know any past teacher who would even remember me let alone write good things about me). I haven't visited a speech language pathologist but I will look into it, as getting rid of my lisp would definitely make me much happier.

 

Speaking well is a problem for me, not in what I have to say but how what I say sounds to people around me. Because of this every time I speak my mind, people always reply "Wow MistyCove, you're so sassy!" or "Omg you speak like a black woman" which really makes me unwilling to say anything in club discussions.

 

Thanks for all the advice though, as just talking about this really makes it much easier to deal with.

[nosuperman]

Your post contains a lot of courage and self-awareness, and its inspiring to see that you're facing your challenges the way you are. Keeping grades high is challenging for most people under ideal circumstances - to keep them up while dealing with everything else, as many other meds and premeds can attest to, can be a monumental task. I hope you keep at it. Once you achieve your goals you'll have all the more resilience and determination to approach the next steps and struggles, and you'll always be able to reflect on what you overcame, and (for now) what you're currently overcoming. Its good to vent. Don't forget to frame things positively. Keep at it and maybe one day you'll update this thread when you get accepted.

[FrenchToast]

Hi all! Thanks for your support I honestly didn't expect anyone to actually reply to this but it's great that you have.

 

Sorry I never talked about it in my post, but my family is really religious and I love them dearly, but if they really knew I had Klinefelter's/was gay they would never even speak to me again, and would likely kick me out of their house. And the lack of black people isn't really in my university but in the volunteering clubs (I go to uni in Toronto). Thanks for the offer FrenchToast, but I'm not really comfortable with anyone who's read this post to know my identity real life (I really too scared for that at this point, making this post is unnerving enough).

 

I can't really do anything related to my LGBT status or else my parents would likely find out. I have tried applying for lab positions but have been rejected for most of them (both inside and outside school). The lab positions inside of school because of my general lack of professor networking and outside of school because of my lack of references (I don't know any past teacher who would even remember me let alone write good things about me). I haven't visited a speech language pathologist but I will look into it, as getting rid of my lisp would definitely make me much happier.

 

Speaking well is a problem for me, not in what I have to say but how what I say sounds to people around me. Because of this every time I speak my mind, people always reply "Wow MistyCove, you're so sassy!" or "Omg you speak like a black woman" which really makes me unwilling to say anything in club discussions.

 

Thanks for all the advice though, as just talking about this really makes it much easier to deal with.

 

Yes, I totally understand not wanting to reveal your identity. I don't really volunteer at these places anymore (I'm no longer in Toronto), but I definitely see your concern. Just keep looking into things.. you'll find something!

 

And also, I know how hard it must be to be gay in a religious family. I think that there are many people dealing with this (I personally highly suspect at least two that I know personally). Just know that you are never alone.

 

Regarding lab positions, I'm not a U of T student, but last year I applied to a few U of T labs and I got interviews at 3/5. Also, I was never even asked for references, but I'm not sure whether or not that's typical. I think the trick is to start applying really early and to send e-mails to as many profs as possible. Also, this document is from UWO, but there is some really valuable information about contacting profs: http://ir.lib.uwo.ca/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1003&context=wurjhnsdocs

[apache]

i had high cholesterol at ten, was obese until 15, girls... LOL, failed out of high school nearly, was drugged out of my mind, misconceived as a druggie by classmates, missed like 2.5 years, represented myself, came to an agreement, cured my condition, as well as 5 similar ones, stopped 12 suicides, nailed 30 scholarships... **** the past, it doesn exist, i havent slept in two days... lost 60-80 pounds, founded a scholarship... and **** it... at this point nothings stopping me, you get in my way, you better give up sleep, cause at this point i'm getting what i wan't **** special interests and self regulation... medicines about people, imagine not being allowed to leave... and go knows, i have 6000 pages of legal research i read... and well, i'm tired of faking ok... my bone to pick is legit, cause as a teenage i pulled staples out of arms, at 16 pulled junkie heroin addicts out of washrooms, and if I'm inapropriate because people can't handle patients that fall through the cracks, well, i've got pics, blood, slit throats... culminating with a mountain trek... at this point, there's one way things are going, my way, and i'm even taking the uncomfy path, which is one of every school i was admitted too, i'd rather go abroad... this is what i always say, wanting to be a doctor just because makes life hard... just like wanting to do someonething for external reasons does, ive got a few bpluses on the trans while i was saving multiple personality slit throat girl, and i dont give a **** about all the a's, means to an ends, ditto with proects in medicine, i dont have to kiss your ass by being blaissez, cause beyond canada, people like winners, as in... well, er **** i'd take whatever, but you don't think i couldn't match any psych program comming out of university of utah... yeah, the fact that whenever i do something my res alma mater's mentioned counts... eventually the md doesn't count, and being well, par excellance counts... but that's hard to achieve unless it's more than an ends, find some reason to take what you want, something you feel with all your heart... i love helping people... also free travel and 5 star hotels, LOL... success is a decision... people self handicap all the time, sometimes failure, when sure, is easy to accept, the probability of failing when you want to succeed is a lot more difficult, because at your extreme, quitting runs through the mind every second, and unlike sure failure, you fight suffering, and the outcome is uncertain, but success is always possible, never assured... until you tell yourself success is the only endpoint, becomes a norm, and you expect nothing less... like the reinforcement scheds of the slots, failing is a leadup to a big win, and pain stops hurting and becomes the leadup to achievement... not only for yourself, but for something greater ( btw medigeek, if i weren't into the cerebral, ambitious, kinky and fun ones... the bimbo's come easy, though i wouldn't recommend the effort, cheap armani and a rented suit are usually enough. lol, jk bro. yeah, in med i was totally ostracized... which felt weird, cause totally not used to it...

 

on the other hand we had like 3 gay students, and they were all uber cool...

 

all my fam are like 75, so when they met the real me (imagine stripper story, this happens often) i might as well have been gay... not like my fam really thought any of my gf's we're not nuts, lol.

 

Your post contains a lot of courage and self-awareness, and its inspiring to see that you're facing your challenges the way you are. Keeping grades high is challenging for most people under ideal circumstances - to keep them up while dealing with everything else, as many other meds and premeds can attest to, can be a monumental task. I hope you keep at it. Once you achieve your goals you'll have all the more resilience and determination to approach the next steps and struggles, and you'll always be able to reflect on what you overcame, and (for now) what you're currently overcoming. Its good to vent. Don't forget to frame things positively. Keep at it and maybe one day you'll update this thread when you get accepted.

[Bede]

Who says your EC have to be formal. Perhaps you would be the perfect candidate to counsel others who have Klinefelter or similar issues.

 

You have to keep in mind that you were made the way you were for a purpose. There is a good chance that you can reach people who would be unreachable by a "normal" person.

 

Don't discount the support you will/won't get from your religious community. If you read the Bible, you will notice that the majority of characters in the gospels were social rejects.

[dazzle]

You can do it MistyCove. I am sure you have the qualities that medical schools look for. Keep trucking forward.

[MistyCove]

Hello everyone, sorry I was away for a few days busy with school work

 

@FrenchToast thanks for the powerpoint it has some helpful tips in it especially the cover letter bit. You've been a tremendous help to me in my time of need thanks alot

 

@muse87 Wow you life sounds tough, way worse than mine I guess. Maybe I should be thankful for what I have?

 

@Bade Only I know that I have Klinefelter's doing such an EC would expose my condition to others, which I'm not really ready for yet. I don't feel better being born into a life of constant pain and loneliness just because it's "for a reason". And I am from a Muslim family so yes I can safely discount any support from their community regarding my sexuality. Even if they did support me, I hate Islam anyways so I wouldn't want their support.

 

@dazzle Honestly, I don't really have any characteristics that would make me appeal to an adcom over someone more traditional (straight, has a body that looks like it belongs to their gender, has a non annoying voice etc.) I'm honestly going to try to make my GPA as high as possible and hope for the best.

[Doudline]

Dear MistyCove, I think you are a very brave and glorious young man.

 

If you were not actively pursuing the dream of getting into medschool in a close future, I think I would recommend you to take some time off. Obviously, you must not have had much of a break in a long time, and I think that you are so accustomed to feeling judged that you have adopted the image of how (you feel) others see you as your own. A problematic it brings it that, because you are constantly barricading yourself in your mind, you are never going to come off as genuine, and people will be offset by that, which will simply bring you more pain and a feeling of rejection.

 

I think that your first step you should be to try and make peace with yourself. When you are told that you sound "sassy", for example, I don't think it is meant to put you down, but it does anyway because it hurts your quest for normality. You know, maybe you should embrace that "sassiness", maybe you should embrace being different or odd in whatever way. It does not mean that you should run around with a warning sign or become a stereotype of yourself. It's saying to yourself "Ok, I have this and that about me. Maybe it makes me weird or marginal, but it's ok, and I know I have other things going for myself. I deserve love, respect and belonging just like any other human being on this planet and I will fight for it, because I know what I'm worth."

 

Just give yourself and others time. Not everyone has to appreciate you. Many will judge you. Many will also want to hit it off with you but wont know how. But in the end, if you don't believe in yourself, all the love in the world won't be enough to keep you from being utterly miserable.

[chii]

I don't have a lot to say, other than I support you in your dream, and I hope that you reach some peace.

 

You seem like a great person, self aware and caring.

[MistyCove]

*sigh* Today I learned that speech language pathology is not covered by OHIP and I can't, as a poor undergrad, hope to ever be able to afford it. I asked my parents for the money and they said I could live with a lisp and it wasn't a big deal which leaves me to trying to find a job to pay for it. Unfortanately I'm caught in the "you need work experience to get a job so that you can gain work experience" paradox. I doubt that the services of a speech language pathologist would help anyways seeing as I have a huge jaw (which can only be fixed with expensive surgery also not covered by OHIP) not to mention an abnormally long tongue.

 

And the joy of my day continued as I also went back to an old high school teacher I knew for him to fill out a few reference forms for hospital volunteering positions. He was more interested with how some of the other people that used to be in his class were doing at my uni than me or my reference forms. I mean why the hell do I need to fill out references to volunteer in the first place?! I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME YET I HAVE TO JUMP THROUGH MORE BS HOOPS THAN IF I WERE APPLYING FOR AN ACTUAL JOB!! ALL IT SHOULD TAKE IS A SIMPLE CRIMINAL RECORD CHECK GODDAMN IT!!

[chii]

Depending on the university you go to, you might have an insurance plan that maybe would help you out with the costs? I know York has one, so check out that option!

[MistyCove]

Depending on the university you go to, you might have an insurance plan that maybe would help you out with the costs? I know York has one, so check out that option!

 

I'm not covered under any university health plan, although even I were I doubt they'd cover something so esoteric and unused as speech language pathology. And even if they did and I was covered, my physiology wouldn't really allow for a full speech correction as I am a) an adult, speech language pathology is less effective with adults than children have an abnormally long tongue (I can touch the center of my chin dimple with my tongue) and c) a large jaw, in which the only correction for it is jaw surgery as recommended by orthodontist, surgery that is expensive.

 

But do I really need a speech correction? I mean apart from my self esteem I doubt it would largely affect my interview would it? I mean it's not so bad that it's offputting but it's still quite noticeable. But on the other hand, no matter how many interviewer's protest to the contrary, small and erratic speech patterns will subconsciously (or even consciously) color their perception of you. This is of course assuming I even get a med school interview, which may never happen. Sorry for the rambling, but I would like someone to weigh in on my thoughts.

[FrenchToast]

I'm not covered under any university health plan, although even I were I doubt they'd cover something so esoteric and unused as speech language pathology. And even if they did and I was covered, my physiology wouldn't really allow for a full speech correction as I am a) an adult, speech language pathology is less effective with adults than children have an abnormally long tongue (I can touch the center of my chin dimple with my tongue) and c) a large jaw, in which the only correction for it is jaw surgery as recommended by orthodontist, surgery that is expensive.

 

But do I really need a speech correction? I mean apart from my self esteem I doubt it would largely affect my interview would it? I mean it's not so bad that it's offputting but it's still quite noticeable. But on the other hand, no matter how many interviewer's protest to the contrary, small and erratic speech patterns will subconsciously (or even consciously) color their perception of you. This is of course assuming I even get a med school interview, which may never happen. Sorry for the rambling, but I would like someone to weigh in on my thoughts.

 

I'm sorry to hear that it's not covered. I think your analysis of the situation is correct. It's probably not that big of a deal. I thought that if it were an easy fix it could boost your confidence a bit, but I agree that it's probably not worth the trouble in your situation. Maybe it would subtly sway them, but that's life unfortunately. Just focus on being positive, confident and a clear communicator .

[umwelt]

*sigh* Today I learned that speech language pathology is not covered by OHIP

 

 

Have you tried getting referred to a speech pathologist by your GP?

I've visited a specialist ( a type not normally covered) & had it paid for by OHIP b/c my family doctor referred me to them. Talk to your doctor? You may need to convince him/her for the referral so be prepared to pitch your case.

[MistyCove]

Have you tried getting referred to a speech pathologist by your GP?

I've visited a specialist ( a type not normally covered) & had it paid for by OHIP b/c my family doctor referred me to them. Talk to your doctor? You may need to convince him/her for the referral so be prepared to pitch your case.

 

I'll look into that, thanks for the tip. Although the topic of the convo with my family doctor will be uncomfortable. Also gonna see my orthodontist and see what he thinks of the problem. Hopefully it can be fixed but if not, living with it would be bad but not unbearable.

[MistyCove]

Went to my family doc, he essentially told me that speech language pathology wouldn't help much due to the reasons I listed (jaw, tongue etc.). Was also formally denied a research position under a professor I've been emailing (guess there were other people with better GPA's).

 

I've honestly grown to hate university and this whole med school game. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I was out of the running the moment the doctors cut the cord. Doesn't help that "friends" of mine who are also premeds are doing much better than me at pretty much everything (although I don't hate them for that, I suppose this is mostly envy talking) I guess I deserve it, since pretty much the only reason I want med is for the money (ROAD), cause I've always felt that if I were wealthy people would look past my problems and like me unconditionally. I mean I try to say "hey maybe I do want to help people/save lives" but I wish death upon people daily so it is hypocritical (atleast I'm honest). I wouldn't feel this way if I were simply born a woman instead of being "in-between" but nothing I can do about that. Sorry for the rant it's been a depressing day, (crying on the bus home isn't really enough) I would never say this if I weren't anonymous. Does anyone have any advice for me? I honestly don't know what else to do.

[MistyCove]

I was watching some of the interview videos for different med schools just to get a feel for the demographic. And honestly, everyone there seems to be the exact opposite of me (well spoken, good looking, confidant and let's not forget happy). I mean seriously some if them could be models (especially the UofT 2011 vid and the Queens 2011 vid). I mean just looking at these videos is discouragement enough. I could literally identify with 0 people in that vid (even finding black people in the vids is a Herculean task, forget everything else I got going on). Honestly if life were a game of poker, I'm a pair of two's, which isn't to say it couldn't get worse, I could have been born in Africa or something theb I would truly be trash. If life had a do over button I would have pressed it long ago (maybe redo life as someone normal, how nice that would be). Honestly when everything is said and done, I'll have lived 1/5 of the life everyone else gets to.

[MistyCove]

Honestly, what do I have going for me? If I just excelled at one thing, were better than everyone I know in just one thing I could be so much happier. I mean for once I wish I could be special in a good way and love that good thing and make it my passion. I've never been naturally good at anything, even in childhood and in school I don't really enjoy anything. I've been re evaluating my med school plan and I've come to the realization that it's the only bearable thing out there for me because atleast it has something material and tangible that I would love at the end of it (having money). Does only wanting money make me a bad person if it's all that would ever make me truly happy? Is it sick to think that money is true happiness cause at this point it my life it seems that's all that would make me happy. I know I may seem shallow and materialistic for thinking like this, but I deserve the right to be greedy for the lot I have in life?

[pheochromocytoma]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPW3EB5U0bo check out some of this guys videos friend showed him to me just on th wknd. mayb itll encourage you, maybe not, cant hurt to see somone wurse off then yurself. i duno if this is a good video of him, just typed his name and linkd ya to the first one, theres a bunch tho. pretty neat guy if you ask me

[pheochromocytoma]

srsly, i think you should stop feeling so sry fur yourself and start bein proactive. you wanna be better at somethin than DO IT. if theres anythin ive learnt the last few yrs is that most peeps aint born good at stuff, it takes time and hard wrk. so do it. find somethin you enjoy and wrk long n hard till youre good at it. if you put the same amoun of time into practicing a skill as you do feelin sry for yurself youd be pro already, o-freakin-lympic style pro

 

Honestly, what do I have going for me? If I just excelled at one thing, were better than everyone I know in just one thing I could be so much happier. I mean for once I wish I could be special in a good way and love that good thing and make it my passion. I've never been naturally good at anything, even in childhood and in school I don't really enjoy anything. I've been re evaluating my med school plan and I've come to the realization that it's the only bearable thing out there for me because atleast it has something material and tangible that I would love at the end of it (having money). Does only wanting money make me a bad person if it's all that would ever make me truly happy? Is it sick to think that money is true happiness cause at this point it my life it seems that's all that would make me happy. I know I may seem shallow and materialistic for thinking like this, but I deserve the right to be greedy for the lot I have in life?

[Exocytosis]

Sounds like you've had a really awful couple of days

 

First of all, it might be a good idea for you to talk to a counselor/doctor/mental health professional about what you're going through. It sounds like you don't have a lot of outlets for what you're feeling and the worst thing to do is just let it build up inside of you.

 

Secondly, have you thought a lot about what the day to day life of a doctor is like? It's true that it pays well and has a certain amount of 'prestige', but it can be very stressful, involve long hours, and put you in contact with some pretty unpleasant people (angry patients, frustrated nurses/doctors, etc). Clearly from your GPA you're smart enough, but if you want to be successful for social reasons, there are probably faster/better paying ways to get there. Ask yourself if medicine is the best path to your goals.

 

People who get through the admissions process may be more confident/well spoken than most, but they didn't all start that way. A lot of them had to spend some time figuring out who they were and what they wanted to do. If you're struggling with all of this, maybe you should not focus on 'medicine' per se, but on a) keeping your grades up and - and this is probably more important - finding some way to be more comfortable with who you are. ECs can be made up later, and if you decide that med isn't for you, your grades will open a lot of doors for you.

 

Don't despair yet. You might not like your cards, but this is only the first hand.