WS feedback

[juliusc]

Hey guys so I'm not sure of there is another thread like this in here somewhere (probably is) but I couldn't find it. I was just hoping people would post their written essays and give feedbacks to other people's essays so we could improve on our WS.

 

Here is one of mine:

 

Wealthy politicians cannot offer fair representation to all the people

 

The main priority of all elected politicians is to appeal and appease the majority of people in the district or area that they have been elected to represent. The problem arises when politicians priority of importance is skewed due to their personal experience. Wealthy politicians may not understand the priority of average citizen, who are not wealthy, and therefore their representation may become obscured. The republican party of America, as well as the conservative party of Canada to some degree, historically represented the affluent citizens. A politician of these parties would prefer to reduce taxes, eliminate social assistance and give incentives to corporations all in the hope of increasing wealth. But if this politician represented an area with the majority being in the lower classes it would have major ramification. A removal of social assistance and welfare may cause a major increase in homelessness and even crime due to the fact that a lot of low class citizens depend on such programs to meet the minimum standards of living.

 

Alternatively, wealthy politicians are wealthy for a reason and have been elected for the same reason. They are successful. To become wealthy, one requires intelligence, creativity, boldness and above all the capacity to recognize and seize opportunity. All of these traits are the qualities we seek in our leaders. Tommy Douglas, a wealthy Canadian politician, give rise to the Canadian universal health care that we so cherish today. This single act alone makes Tommy Douglas one of the greatest politicians Canada has ever had to offer and it was this exact act that has recently made Tommy the most revered Canadian in Canadian history. A wealthy politician has experience in success and success is indicative of leadership.

 

The defining characteristic between a wealthy politician who offers a fair representation and a politician who offers an unfair representation is socioeconomic background. A politician who has come from money lacks the experience that the majority of citizens have when in comes to finance in comparison to a politician who has come from a humble background and has made himself/herself wealthy. A wealthy politician who has come from wealth most likely had every advantage in life and sees money has something that comes naturally while a self made wealthy politician had to go through turmoil and disadvantages to attain his wealth only through tenacity of character.

 

Thanks in advance to everyone who posts and gives feedback.

[medhopeful64]

Just post your essay over on the PREP 101 Free writing sample tutoring (one is by Sameer, another thread is being run by Nadil). Since they're WS instructors, they'll probably give better feedback than any of us here. Good luck.

[juliusc]

thanks alot. i just assumed that they stopped checking that thread