Feedback on my writing

[mcatbuster]

Thanks Jordan19 for the feedback

[jordan19]

Can someone give me some feedbacks on my writings. I posted these under one of the Prep101 posts but I haven't got any feedback on them.

 

I am not too sure I have covered everything that the prompt asked and I made up the examples because I could not think of any.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

1)

Employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the workplace.

 

Describe a specific situation in which an employee should not have the same right to privacy in the workplace as outside it. Discuss what you think determines whether or not employees should have the same right to privacy inside the workplace as they do outside it.

 

One famous politician once said: "The right to privacy is what we have as a Canadian citizen. But sometimes this right is violated at times where we are least suspected.” Under the Bill of Rights, every Canadian has the right to privacy, and unless a written or verbal consent is given, no one can access personal information, such as the bank account or medical history, of an individual. Often times, this right to privacy is strictly enforced in the workplace. For instance, personal information of any Canadian hospital employees is kept confidential.

 

Yet, there are situations where an employee does not have the same right of privacy in the workplace as outside it. For instance, U.S. government can access personal information of individuals working for government agencies dealing with national security. In this case, U.S. government can, at any time, go through personal files of their agency employees to screen out those who might be a threat to national security. This is necessary because sometimes safety of the majority is more important than the right to privacy of the few.

 

In conclusion, an institution where an individual works distinguishes the two circumstances. In the first example, when the person is working at an institution that does not deal with politically and nationally sensitive material, the privacy of an employee must be respected. Conversely, in the second example, the right to privacy does not have to be strictly enforced in the workplace when the person works at an institution that deals with material concerning national security and safety of the others.

 

 

I'm going to address just the first one, as the mistake that I point out may also be in your second essay.

 

Anyways I thought that you have a good intro. But be wary of the prompt Discuss what you think determines whether or not employees should have the same right to privacy inside the workplace as they do outside it.

 

In your case, why does it not matter that no other personal info is given for hospital employees? Ie. It may reveal religion, etc, attributes that do not matter for the job.

 

Same problem with your second paragraph, imo. Why would it be IMPORTANT to reveal somebody's privacy? Ie. to promote safety if the guy's a rapist... etc etc.