I would appreciate some WS feedback

[darknebula]

Hi all. I have had minimal feedback on my WS and have not been focusing on it much. This is my last chance to get any feedback on WS before I write Thursday. I would be very happy if you could give me scale score out of 6 for one or both of my essays.

 

Thanks!

 

A politician's lifestyle should reflect his/her political views

 

In democracies, majority is authority. Politicians who rise to power in democracies therefore are the "peoples' voice". Since their political views were the most appealing to the public and they were elected based on those, their own lifestyle should also relect the same values and ideologies. Otherwise, the politican's honesty and integrity of character become questionable and he risks being thought of as a hypocrite. If a popular leader claims that he can relate to the poor and needy of the nation and vows to end poverty and provide food, clothes and shelter for everyone, his own lifestyle should relfect that. One needs to be convinced that the claim of this leader is genuine which will not be possible if the leader is living in a grand mansion comparable to a royal palace with twenty washrooms. History has produced such politicians whose lifestyle was consistent with their political views. Mahatma Gandhi, founder of the world's largest democracy, presents an excellent instance of this. His lifetyle was far from being close to that of the rich and the famous. He was content with taking two unsewn pieces of cloth for his garments. He was content living in a house not any better than a cottage. When one condisders these facts, his claim to relate to the poor and needy and his wish to represent them becomes all the more genuine and believable.

 

However, it is not always the case that the lifestyle of a politician will reflect his political views. If we consider India again, we find that many of the rulers before the British invasion clearly lived lives that were inconsistent with what they preached. History texts are full of speeches promising to achieve social justice and eradicate poverty by the Dehli Sultanate and the Mughal Kings. However, descriptions of their lifestyles cast doubt on the authenticity of their promises and political agendas. One can hardly be convinced that theyu felt a genuine connection with the lower class given that they lived in grand palaces with scores of slaves at their service. Dictators provide another example of this. The military president of Pakistan, General Pervez Musharraf, clearly lead an extravagant life while claiming that his political goal was to rid Pakistan of poverty.

 

This leads one to question what then determines whether inconsistency between the political views and lifestyle of a politician is acceptable? It can be argued that this depends on the nature of the political regime. If the politican is leading or representing people in a democracy, his political ideologies should correspond to his own lifesyle. This was exemplified by the life of Gandhi. On the contrary, in the politican is a dictator and has all the power, then his lifestyle need not relect his political values. In the case of the Mughal kings and General Pervez Musharraf, it was not a surprise that there was hardly any correspondance between their lifesyles and their political agendas.

_________________________________________________________________

 

The primary goal of a business should be to maximize profit

 

Many would perhaps agree that the motivation behind business is almost always to gain something in return. There are various ways of making a living that will satisfy the monetary needs of the average individual; for instance, being employed in the retail industry. But when it comes to business, the "needs" are and should exceed beyond just making enough to live an average life. The primary goal in this case should be to make as much profit as possible. After all, that is the most basic idea behind starting a business in almost every entrepreneur's mind. A business that maximizes profits

flourishes while one that gets outcompeted by the rivals is doomed to disappear. There are many examples of this. In the web entertainment industry, if the goal is not to maximize profits by generating revenue from advertisements, a business can suffer greatly. The popular website Youtube is flourishing and becoming more impactful than ever because their primary emphasis is on profit. On the other hand, owners of the musical website "imeem" were forced to auction it off for a very low price since making profit was not their primary emphasis. It is only through maximizing profits that a company can expand itself further and hence it should a company's major goal.

 

However, to claim that profit maximization is always the goal of a business is questionable. There are instances where profit is not even a part of the business. If we consider the barter system of trading in easlier civilizations, it is evident that profit maximization was not involved. People simply exchanged their goods for others that they were in need for. In this "apple for orange" system, all that people were concerned with was meeting their needs rather than exceeding them. Had profit maximization been the primary goal of this system, it would have failed. It is hughly dubious that someone would exchange expensive clothes for an orange.

 

This leads one to the question: what then determines whether or not the primary goal of the business should be to maximize profit? The answer is not simple. It depends on the intention of the person doing business, If the goal is to meet one's basic needs and earn enough to lead a comfortable life, profit maximization becomes irrelevant. The Barter System clearly demostrated this. If, however, the goal is to exceed one's needs and to make enough money to expand the business further, profit maximization is relevant, justified, and should be the primary goal. In the case of web ebtertainment business Youtube and Apple, profit maximization was the goal and because of that, these are household names today.

_________________________________________________________________

[matthewward_prep101]

Hi Darknebula – our free writing sample feedback for Prep101 has now closed, but I’d be happy to review this essay myself. If you (or anyone else) have feedback about our free PreMed101 service this past summer, please feel free to post a comment at:

 

http://www.premed101.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44117

 

ESSAY 1

 

Task #1:

-Reasonable opening, although I am not sure what you mean by “majority is authority.” Your third sentence explains the prompt statement in your own words (which is a positive). You give a reasonable example in the fourth sentence that further explains the point you are trying to get across. Your examples about the grand mansion and royal palace however seem a bit superficial which does not demonstrate high complexity of thought. Furthermore, although you give a specific example of Gandhi, your description reads a bit too casual and does not provide strong evidence in support of the prompt. You have nevertheless accomplished task #1, although your description could be tightened up.

 

Task #2:

-"However" is a poor transition – remember to unify your essay! Your specific example of the Dehli Sultanate and Mughal Kings provides evidence of unique and critical thought, but you do not really address when it is appropriate for a politician’s lifestyle to not reflect his/her political views (rather, you explain scenarios where this has happened in the past). This task is minimally accomplished.

 

Task #3:

Scrap your first sentence – although I appreciate your attempt at unity, beginning your paragraph with a question is far too casual and simplistic. You offer a reasonable determinant for when the prompt statement is true and when it is not, and you link this well to your previous examples.

 

Overall your syntax and writing style is adequate.

 

Grade: 4/6 (but on the cusp of a 5).

 

ESSAY 2

 

Task #1:

- Reasonable opening, but what do you mean by “many would perhaps agree” (i.e., who?). You do a good job to explain what the prompt statement means, but your writing approach feels a bit too casual yet again (i.e., you write as though you are having a conversation with a friend – try to tighten this up a bit). Great use of specific examples however to support the prompt statement.

 

Task #2:

-Poor transition (provides little unity). Very good specific counter example, however, could you really classify your “apple and orange” system as a business? Proper definitions of key terms in task #1 could have mitigated this issue.

 

Task #3:

-Again, do not begin your task #3 sentence with a question – this does not demonstrate a high level of complexity of thought (the difference between a 4 and a 5). Your determinants however are quite strong and you link this well to the previous examples provided in task #1 and task #2.

 

Your syntax and style in general is adequate.

 

Grade: 5/6 (but on the cusp of a 4).

 

WS Grade: Q

[darknebula]

I can't thank you enough Matthew! I will be happy to provide feedback on the awesome service you guys provided us this summer.

 

Thanks again!