I need a guide (sorry...long-winded, somewhat corny post)

[Guest Folken Strategos]

Hi, my name's Jason and I just finished my 2nd undergrad year at the U of S.

 

I found out a little over a month ago that I didn't pass my interview and it really put in me into a shameful state. Although I had come away from the interview thinking I had done well, deep down I must have known that I'd failed miserably, which I probably did.

 

For a while I was so lost, I didn't know what to do next and it came during the most convenient time of the school year too :lol . Don't get me wrong, I plan on trying again, but I have a very difficult mountain to climb.

 

I was finally able to overcome my feelings of guilt and failure when I realized how selfish I was being. To be honest, I winged my first two years of university (MCAT included). That's not to say I haven't stressed out at times--you know, starting to study a couple hours before a test--which I'm sure a lot of you have. But I understand that I'm capable of so much more and have the potential to do historic things. I really don't want to come off as being egotistical because that's far from the truth. I could care less about receiving recognition. I mean, it's nice, but I would much prefer self-satisfaction and being able to go to bed at night knowing that I've done everything I can. I really want to touch as many lives as possible during my lifetime, but there's one really stupid and, for most people, insignificant character flaw that keeps me from accomplishing this, my shyness.

 

I know that sounds lame, but it keeps me from doing so many things. I have poor communication skills, I can't complete the simplest tasks, I don't offer help when I know very well I'm able to, I struggle to say "hi", etc, etc. This is a MAJOR problem when you consider the profession that I want to get into. In my head, I know what I want to say, yet I can never convey that message properly. I'm sure, or rather, I hope there are others out there like me. Obviously, they wouldn't go around flaunting it as I am now which is why I've never met anyone like me. Heck, it took me 19 years to finally admit it, so I blame no one.

 

I know what my goal is now, but I don't know how to go about it. Specificly, what should I do, what exercises, where should I go, who should I talk to? I don't think I'm completely helpless, I have taken some steps. I volunteer at RUH and recently I got a job at St. Paul's that starts next month. I really wish I had someone who could help me help myself. I'm mature enough now to admit that I have a problem which I have ignored for so long.

 

If you actually read this, thanks. Sorry again for the uninteresting post.

[Guest Ian Wong]

Heya,

 

I think the most important part is acknowledging that you have a personal characteristic that you feel is limiting you and your achievement of your goals.

 

Unfortunately, shyness isn't something that comes up overnight. It's something that usually takes root and develops over a long years of time, maybe even years. As a result, it may not be something that can be changed overnight, but will take time. Lots of people have it, to varying degrees. You aren't the only person out there, and you won't be the only person who learns how to cope with shyness and overcome it.

 

Probably the most important thing to realise is that shyness, and its converse, being outgoing, aren't things that people are born with (just my opinion). Rather, it's a buildup of becoming comfortable with a variety of social situations (ie. feeling comfortable mingling at a large party where you only know a couple people, not letting the jitters you get when public speaking or interviewing affect the way you perform, being able to strike up and maintain a conversation with complete strangers, etc).

 

If you look at all the people who are successful "people-persons", folks like salesmen, front-line health care workers, restaurent/bar folks, etc, chances are good that each of them went through an awkward phase where what they were doing wasn't easy. The difference is that they pushed through it and got themselves to the point where they are so comfortable and familiar with meeting people cold, that it becomes second nature. That's what you can do as well.

 

I think the key is to get out of your comfort zone as much as possible, in small increments. If you are always comfortable, chances are good that you aren't really extending yourself. Joining some university clubs, meeting your friends' friends, heck, even just talking to all the "familiar strangers" that sit around you in each of your university classes but who you never introduce yourself to are all ways to try to overcome your shyness. It's going to be very tough at first, but if you can persevere, it gets easier and easier each additional time you do it. Just like a salesperson or a doctor.

 

Do you have anyone you trust that you can talk to? Sometimes just getting someone else's insight can help a lot. It could be a good friend, maybe a family member.

 

Best of luck,

 

Ian

[Guest Folken Strategos]

Thanks Ian. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post, let alone responding.

 

What's obvious to most people seems so puzzling to me, which is what irks me the most. It's funny that I'm able handle such difficult projects and yet fail to do something as simple as talking on the phone. I will definitely take your advice, Ian. Thank you.

 

Oh yeah, and P.S.

 

Believe it or not, I actually found an article that says "shyness" is a biological trait! Although what you've said has much truth to it, that shyness develops over the years, there's actually a biological basis to it. It surprised me too!

[Guest Lactic Folly]

Hello,

 

Sorry to hear about your interview. Most people in Canada don't enter medicine until after their fourth year, so you won't be behind.. and with the time between now and your next application, you can certainly make some improvement in your skills.

 

Shyness is a vicious circle of lacking skills.. poor self-perceived performance in social situations.. lowered confidence in said skills, which makes it hard to work on them. But it is through practice that one can gradually bolster those skills.

 

Like Ian, I highly recommend seeking out situations that give you opportunity for such practice. Volunteer for anything that offers people contact.. standing at a booth for clubs fair.. as much as you can (or jobs, social events, etc.). Incidentally, volunteering will also strength your med school application, and is something you can offer as proof of your people skills.

 

Don't worry about not making the greatest impression at first.. no biggie if you do good work and aren't depending on some place for a reference. (But - how are your relationships with your references? Hopefully they have good things to say about your communication skills.) The important thing is to be out there in situations where you can gain comfort and polish your interactions.

 

How could you start? Well, if you have probs saying hi to people, start there. Every time you go to your job or volunteer position, make it your goal to greet your supervisor/coworker by name, and say bye when you leave. (I don't know the extent of your problem.. if this is too basic, sorry!) Soon it will become more natural and less of something you actively focus on doing.

 

Then you can work on extending the conversation.. if it's something on campus, maybe there is something in the campus newspaper you could mention in passing. Once comfortable with prepared topics, you can work on more spontaneous stuff.. commenting on changes in the work environment, keeping the conversation going. It's gradual, but it does work.

 

These skills transfer over to other aspects of your personality.. having a lot of experience in work/social situations makes you more relaxed and comfortable, more spontaneity prevents you from over-thinking and over-analyzing if you should offer to help someone (and letting the moment pass). Casual situations present many opportunities as well.. say you're standing in a line at the bookstore.. person in front of you looks approachable, makes eye contact.. just say "long lineup, hey?!".. worst that can happen is they don't respond.. and that is really nothing bad at all.. important thing is that you are gaining practice in going from knowing what you want to say in your head to actually saying it out loud.

 

Again, volunteering is great.. a lot of positions involve interviews.. between all the interviews I did applying for those, and jobs (applying for several positions simultaneously? interview for fun! you only need accept one), I am not nervous at all in interviews. I will just spend time preparing the content of my answers and practicing delivery.. practice is key.

 

Yes, there are resources out there.. here's a FAQ, other stuff out there on the net if you search.

members.aol.com/cybernettr/shyness.html

There are also books on shyness.. some offer conversation scripts and other techniques.. check your library. Browse around interpersonal skills/body language/assertiveness/public speaking/etiquette/any other self-help books that might be of interest, like those by Dale Carnegie. Dunno how serious you think your problem is, but your school might have counselling services.. psychologists could help you set goals, role play, adjust negative thoughts.(?) I remember there was a social anxiety support group hereabouts, check if there's something similar there.

 

Anyway, social skills are not necessarily inborn (though it might seem that way!) but can be learned through practice, and with practice and skill improvement the confidence will come (positive loop ) Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Guest kosmo14]

Just a quick thought that might help you out. I have heard of people taking Toastmasters or Christopher Leadership courses to overcome shyness. I think there is something to that. I took a course a couple of years ago, and let me tell you it was brutal for the first couple of times I had to speak in front of the class, but as the course went on it got better, and by graduation I felt comfortable speaking in front of a group of people I don't know. This is something that instills a lot of confidence, and gives the basis of how to make conversation with "strangers". I beleive it helped me in my interview, as I was able to articulate myself fluently and with some confidence.

 

I too beleive that shyness is something that can be overcome. It takes effort, but it is possible.

 

Hope this helps out. If you would like help preparing for your interview next year just email me, and I would be more than willing to help out (assuming you live in Saskatoon, or will be in Saskatoon at some point).

 

Good Luck.

[Guest Folken Strategos]

Thanks for the advice guys, I truly appreciate all your help.

 

I live in Saskatoon, Kosmo. That'd be great, thanks for the offer. I'm considering doing the Toastmaster club thing. How exactly does that go?

[Guest sassy101]

I just wanted to say to Folken, let the past go. So you didn't pass the interview this time round. So what...it doesn't mean you are never going to be a doctor. Perhaps you just weren't ready for that stage of your life....i remember i desperately wanted to be in med after second yr university but looking back no way would i have been mature/confident enough to fully achieve my goals while in the college. Maybe some 2nd years are...but between you and me they are few and far between.....to study and practise medicine well an indiviudal needs to be ready emotional, mentally etc. I wasn't then at 18 but i am now at 22.....If i would have gotten in at 18 I wouldn't have been as successful as I am sure I will be now at this age. And I have had the time to do so much in the past 4 years....I have a double honors BSc, did some traveling, got my financial status ready for med ( lets be honest it isn't cheap to pay for med school )

In closing, IT IS OK....there is a time for everything and maybe there are some things you need to do before you can begin med school....time does not matter...take on challenges in your own time and when you are ready. Never let past failures discourage you. Have faith in yourself.

Hope this helps.

[Guest UofCMeds2005]

Just another suggestion.. I would try and volunteer with St. John Ambulance or the Red Cross. That way you will be forced to interact with the public in baby steps. It will help you practice talking to strangers and doing procedures etc. in front of people. Also, it will help you decide if med is what you truly want. In addition, it won't hurt you med app either.

[Guest saskmedman]

Hey Folken,

 

I don't know if you still check this thread, but I just wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know you are not alone. I too am extremely shy. Reading your initial post actually hit home for me pretty good. I was also one of those guys who never spoke unless spoken to, etc. Shyness is perceived to be a negative thing; a flaw if you will. But I don't think that it is, I think it's just a part of who you are. Just as some people are born with blue eyes and others brown eyes, so are people born as outgoing or shy. Even some of the responses on this thread call shyness a "weakness", not to criticize anyone. I think a major first step is to just acknowledge that your shyness isn't something that's wrong with you, and isn't something you should strive to get rid of completely. You just need to be comfortable with yourself, and then you become able to open up to others and to come up with that answer on the interview that's just dangling off the tip of your tongue. Not every person can be the loud, outgoing type. This world also needs those who are more peaceful, and allow others to express themselves. I think you are self-conciouc about how others perceive your shyness, and that just makes it all worse. If you'd like to talk to me about this or just medical school or the news or whatever, just leave me a message on here. Hope you still check back here!:b

 

Rod

[Guest Lactic Folly]

saskedman, from talking to people I get the impression that med schools seek more outgoing types, as it is thought they are more of "people-persons" who deal with people more effectively, but I personally would prefer a quieter doctor who is an excellent listener. Do you think there is anything that more reserved types need to be aware of, or should consider doing/focusing on in order to survive this process?

[Guest saskmedman]

You definitely have to be able to express your self verbally to be an efficient physician. Like I said above, if you're shy and you are self-conscious about that fact, then it is hard to express yourself. One needs to be comfortable with the fact that they aren't the person who is always gonna get the first word in, but when they are required to speak on something they are prepared to do so in a confident manner. I think a good way to practise "speaking your mind" so to say is to phone radio shows. This might sound kinda stupid, but I used to phone in to John Gormley all the time. This gives you a chance to practise expressing your thoughts/ideas/opinions in an anonymous way. If you screw up and start chewing your tongue, you can just say goodbye and no one will ever judge you. Besides, it's really easy to get into the John Gormley show. Even phone in for contests on the radio or anything.

 

This all sounds kinda funny I know. I actually have a harder time expressing MYSELF in written word than spoken, which is a switch. Being in medicine I would also say forces one to become a better thinker and speaker. It's just something that happens to you. When you go to that first oral exam, even though your stomach is trying to escape from your abdomen, you clench your teeth and do what you have to do.

[Guest Folken Strategos]

Hey Saskmedman

 

Well, I can tell you I've been really working on it for about a month and a half now and am making a lot of progress (at least, I hope I am).

 

I've been working at St. Paul's as an aide/sitter so I get plenty of patient contact as well as working with nurses and other medical staff.

 

Initially, I found myself doing a lot of listening, but I'm starting to gain some confidence and am able to carry on conversations even though I still struggle every now and then. I've met so many amazing people and am just really thankful for all the support. My sleeping schedule and various other plans are totally out of whack, but I'm really enjoying myself. I'm just taking it one step at a time.

[Guest saskmedman]

Hey, way to go buddy! Sounds like things are doing quite well. Keep letting us know how you're doing and remember you can ask us moderators anything you like. We do this because we enjoy it! Good luck!

 

Rod

[Guest Folken Strategos]

Thanks man . I really do appreciate it. I look forward to being able to helping others with the same problem once I've found my own comfort level. Rest assured, I am doing much better than before.

[Guest Tallybobally]

Hey- The toastmasters thing is a great idea if you want to learn to articulate better......I failed my interview after my second year as well, then I joined toastmasters which was very useful in teaching me to think on my feet, think before I speak etc. I would definitely recommend it, as I passed my interview this year and got into U of A and U of S......

Try MBS toastmasters, they meet Thursday nights from 7-9 starting in September at the old Sands hotel on Idylwyld. If you need more info or a contact person for that club, you can e-mail me at tallybobally@yahoo.ca :b GOOD LUCK!

[Guest Kara]

Folken,

 

If you're just shy, it's one thing...but if you feel quite a bit of anxiety in many social situations, talking to people especially authority figures, public speaking, performing, etc. you might want to do a search on the internet on "social anxiety disorder". It is quite common (about 7% of population) but few people know about it...even those that may be suffering from such anxiety. And help is available to those that need it (medication and/or cognitive therapy).

[Guest Folken Strategos]

d'oh, it would suck tremendously if it were that, kara. I certainly wouldn't rule it out.

 

And thanks Tally, I might take you up on that.

[Guest V]

As everyone has posted, the first big step is recognition. The second hurdle is how to get over it.

 

I think a really helpful suggestion is to get involved with student activities at the U of S. Activities where you are required to speak to people and communicate your thoughts and ideas.

 

Think of this as another one of those undergrad subjects... Shyness 101 if you will. You start off not knowing what to do, but as the time (course) progresses you do whatever it takes to get over it. This is a co-op course and reading the text the night before wont cut it. You have to physically do something to get the "A".

 

From the sounds of it, you are an interesting person with a lot to offer. People can and will benefit from you and getting to know you. Let that be your motivation to succeed. You dont want to look back 20 years from now and think "what if...". The time to change is now, and its up to you to find the courage and whatever else it takes to get over this obstacle. As life and medicine are filled with such obstacles, this can be a great experience to better yourself as a person (and future physician).

 

Find something you love and really good at... and apply it to a people-oriented activity. The great thing about university is that there are millions of clubs and organizations which provide opportunity to get involved and donate your skills. In return they offer the opportunity to learn more about yourself and gain valuable skills for life's future endeavors.

 

I wish you the best of luck,

 

V

[Guest Kara]

Just to add...If you're shy those things mentioned by others (being prepared, practise, getting involved in social activities, etc.) will likely help. If you have generalized social anxiety or even public speaking anxiety, they will do little to help and can actually make things worse. Exposure in groups like toastmasters, etc. is also often not useful for such individuals.

 

"For people with mild to moderate level of anxiety around speaking and social situations, their fear tends to lessen with practice and repetition over time. For those with a phobic level of fear, their fear tends to remain steady or increase over time, and they do not seem to similarly benefit from practice and repetition. This seems to be related to the traumatic feelings associated with loss of control that the person experiences, which continues to be reinforced each time the person is in a speaking or performing situation." (Janet Esposito). Perhaps you are just shy so this doesn't apply to you. But there are a number of free tests on the internet to assess if you might have social anxiety. Why not take one?

[Guest Folken Strategos]

I'll check that out, Kara, but if that were truly the case, I'd like to be one of the few who's able to overcome something that debilitating. I'll admit that I have and do feel anxiety in social settings, but I don't feel it's getting any worse.

 

P.S. Thanks V

[Guest Lactic Folly]

Hi FS, I hope you don't mind my asking, but how did you go about getting references - did you know them all well enough that the shyness was not a factor around them?

In any case, it sounds like you're being quite active in improving your candidacy - good luck!

[Guest Folken Strategos]

hi Lactic, sorry haven't been here for a while so you probably won't even get this, but I didn't really know how to go about it. I had some people in mind, but I didn't know if I needed the references before or after. The people I would choose today would be a family friend who's a retired U of S Physics Prof, my nurse manager at St. Paul's, and possibly the Volunteer Coordinator at RUH. I considered my family doctor as well, but he pointed out the fact that he and I only meet each other a few times a year so he wouldn't be an appropriate candidate, although he was willing to had I not been able to find more suitable references.