Comic Relief for premeds

[Guest drcave]

I did my Master's in Mycology (study of fungi) and we mycologists like to say:

 

Mycology is better than Urology

 

(please no fun-guy jokes, heard 'em a brazilian times)

[Guest NurseNathalie]

Hunting in the South

 

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to theoperator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

 

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

 

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

 

okay... its silly

[Guest Maelswarm]

New Hospital Wing (from lwlolm.150m.com/medical.htm)

 

 

When some doctors were asked to contribute to the construction of a new wing

at a hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred

no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the micro-

surgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought the

administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were

laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-

sighted; the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said,

"Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"; the

pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said, "We are in arrears";

the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally, the surgeons decided to

wash their hands of the whole thing.

 

The radiologists could see right through it; the internists thought it was a

hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on

the matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the physio-

therapists thought they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the scheme

wouldn't hold water; the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; the

cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to

the idea.

 

Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!

[Guest ella29]

ok, so today I was reading a patients chart (and this is real)

 

It said (in paraphrase), that the individual's nose was completely normal until the family doctor get enraged and bit it off....

 

We laughed.... And then there was a correction on the next page saying 'in reference to my previous report, it was the family dog, not the family doctor which bit off her nose.'

 

HAHAAAAAAA

 

This was the highlight of my day so far!

 

..... for all those family doctor wannabes.... NO BITING OFF CHILDREN'S NOSES!

[Guest treehuggingbiologist]

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger nails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous ness. 'No,' she replied, 'but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.'

 

/If I ever get to meet you guys in med school, you'll realise i have a very ... unique? ... sense of humour

[Guest DancingDoc]

I apologize ahead of time for thing one guys... :b

 

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.

Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

 

(I think I have a similar sense of humor treehuggingbiologist)

 

EDIT: Found another I had to add....

 

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."

She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl.

"Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

[Guest treehuggingbiologist]

Slightly blue humour, but thats the best kind

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

 

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

 

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[Guest WesternMan]

^^Just a warning...

 

First off, alot of these jokes are terrible. Here's one that really made me laugh...

 

Okay, so Bert (age 85) and Ethel (age 70) are living in a retirement home in Ottawa. One day, Bert tells Ethel he finds her youthfullness very attractive - but he admits he can't keep it 'up' long enough to please her. Ethel feels sorry and asks Bert if there's anything she can do. Bert says "well, i only have a few years left in me...would you mind just holding it for me?" as he unzipps his pants and pulls his penis through his fly. Ethel, mostly out of pity, obliges.

 

This becomes a daily event for Bert and Ethel, and within weeks they are in love and inseparable. Every day they sit on the same bench and she just holds his penis. One day many months later, Ethel doesn't find Bert at their usual meeting place. Worried, she searches for Bert wondering where he could have gone. Finally, she finds him on the other side of the home, sitting with the newcomer Janice, age 80. Janice is now holding Bert's penis, and Ethel is furious.

 

She asks "Bert, after all this time? What does she have that I don't, huh?"

 

Bert looks up at her and says, "...Parkinsons."

 

______________________________________

[Guest MrNeuroscience]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

 

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

 

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Guest Jochi1543]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

 

What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

 

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of thebar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

 

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

 

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

 

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

 

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

 

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

 

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

 

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

 

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

 

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

 

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

 

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Johnny came home from school to see the familiy's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home

Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

 

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

 

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later,

when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

 

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Guest Jochi1543]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street

when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

 

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

 

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

 

"She gave it to you?

I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,

but a new truck?"

 

"Well, Jimmy Joe,

let me tell you what happened.

We were driving out on County Road 6,

in the middle of nowhere.

Bobby Sue pulled off the road,

put the truck in 4-wheel drive,

and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out,

threw off all her clothes and said,

 

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

 

So I took the truck!"

 

"Bubba, you're a smart man!.

Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[Guest ella29]

lmao, thats hilarious!

 

 

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[Guest DancingDoc]

So I thought I would revive this thread.... I got this one of my calendar:

 

"As medical students, my friend and I decided that we needed to get away for a weekend before an upcoming final. The weekend got crazy and to make a long story short, we didn't make it back for the final. We approached the professor and explained that we went away to study but got a flat tire on the way home and didn't have a spare. The professor thought this over and then agreed that we could make up the final on the following day. We were elated and relieved. Our instructor placed us in separate rooms and handed each us of us a test booklet. We looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solution, and was worth 5 points. "Cool!" we thought, "This is going to be easy." Then we turned the page. The next question read, "Which tire? (95 points)."

:rollin