Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 Ok...I think I'm finally out of useful things to talk about...how about killing some time with some medical jokes... ...I make no claim that the following are funny...but they will provide you with good distraction for a few minutes! :lol Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet. Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease 5. You never have to watch reruns on television. 4. You are always meeting new people. 3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your friends and family. 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs. 1. Mysteries are always interesting. The prison hospital Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit. Will I live any longer? Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room! Get a heart transplant A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." I have bad and very bad news Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients 1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause her to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance she can get. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect her from exposure. 10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under her direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 A few interesting notes taken from patient files: - The skin was moist and dry. - Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?) - The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. - Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. - Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. - Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?) - She is numb from her toes down. - Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!) - While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.) - The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. - Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. - We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter. - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. - Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. - The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days. - She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. - The patient had a rash over his truck. - Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 Surgeon: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more productive than a train Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Talks with God Internist: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God if special request is approved General Practitioner: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Can fire a speeding bullet Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Is occasionally addressed by God Resident: Barely clears a picket fence Loses tug-of-war with a train Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Swims well Talks with animals Intern: Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by a train Is not issued ammunition Dog paddles Talks to walls Medical Student: Runs into buildings Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times Wets himself with a water pistol Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver Mumbles to himself Nurse: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the track Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance The Nurse IS God!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 Seen on a nurse's bumper sticker: ER RN Pass me now, see me later! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 I've posted this before...but it's so enjoyable I thought I'd post it again... Dear Adcom, Thank you for your letter of May 30. After careful consid- eration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your medical program at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your programs' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your school this September. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest peachy Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 The comics here have been posted once before, but I'll repost the link 'cause they're pretty funny www.ualberta.ca/%7Emed2005/comic.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest UWOMED2005 Posted May 19, 2003 Report Share Posted May 19, 2003 Mayflower, does your wife happen to subscribe to Stitches? That's a humour magazine for and (I think) by doctors. Problem is, the issues I've read haven't been all that funny. . . :rolleyes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 20, 2003 Report Share Posted May 20, 2003 OMG, those are too funny...thanks for the distraction peachy! Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MayFlower1 Posted May 20, 2003 Report Share Posted May 20, 2003 UWOMED2005, Nope...she doesn't subscribe to it...I'll ask her about it though...I'd be interested in seeing a copy. Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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