Guest archx Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 I know med schools seek balanced, emotionally stable individuals so I wonder if being in a dysfunctional relationship will affect my chances of admission. My situation: married 6.5 years, no kids, and we just don't get along. I don't want to get into specifics but all the "save your marriage" books I've read say that we are no good together and should split up. 1) Do interviewers ask personal questions such as "What kind of emotional support could you expect from your significant other?" or "How would you describe your relationship with your spouse?" I can understand a lot of people will say "Sort out your personal life before you consider medschool." Of course that's easier advice to give then it is to apply; there's nothing black and white about making a marriage work or deciding to end it. I always thought that marriage shouldn't be work and if it was work then you shouldn't be married but that was before I vowed "Til death do us part." Any thoughts, insight, advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mimicat65 Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 archx, I'm sorry for your problems. :\ I would be very surprised if an adcom asked you a specific question like that about your personal life... but I've been surprised before. I don't think it would be in any way appropriate for them to ask, or relevant for you to disclose information about your personal relationship in an application/interview situation. If I WERE asked specifically about this type of thing, I would just "lightly" brush it off with a short answer like "I try to keep my personal life and my professional life separate" or "I have all the support I need" or something. It's tough, b/c you don't want to be too vague, but you also don't want to lie. But they REALLY should not be asking something that personal. I would definately not go into details of you personal strife in your essays, unless you could somehow present it as some situation that challenged you and that you learned from. Sorry if you've already done that. I don't think adcoms are expecting us to be robots who have no personal problems, but it is really none of their business whether you are having marital problems or not. Good luck archx, are you interviewing this year? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest happy2bme Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 "I always thought that marriage shouldn't be work and if it was work then you shouldn't be married but that was before I vowed "Til death do us part." Ahhhhh the biggest marriage myth out there is that great marriages are easy and that (for most people) is not the truth. Marriage is work. It actually is obviously more work than med school. Think about it.... people once accepted are 99% likely to pass medical school, on the other hand only 50-60% of those same people will be able to make their marriage last. Ouch. 6.5 years is a long time, I wouldn't give up without trying counselling. Some people who do get divorced realize a couple years later that they should have tried harder at their first marriage instead of seperating. Now if your spouse is abusive that's where you don't try to change them and just get the hell out of there. Or if you have tried couples counselling, not just Dr. Phil books, and still can't make it work the by all means initiate the seperation. A marriage will NEVER work if only one person wants to try, it truly takes the effort of two individuals. Remember those couples you see that seem to "have it all,and the perfect marriage" still suffer alot of the same problems everyone faces in marriage, they just put on the Beaver/Cleaver faces out in public. If you are convinced you are at the divorce stage, I would try and do it before med school though, it will be very draining emotionally on you and you wouldn't want your studies to suffer. As for the Adcom committee, I would just use the "I have a wonderful support network of family and friends...." They more than likely won't know you are married anyways and shouldn't be asking anything about your marriage life. I really hope that your marriage issues are resolved for you and you reach a happier stage in life whether it be as individuals or continuing as a couple. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest muchdutch Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 I have been with my other for 6.5 years too (although not married) and all of our friends think we have the perfect relationship, but it is far from 'easy'. happy2bme is correct in saying that it takes work - a lot of it. Your partner changes, you change, your circumstances change, so if there's so many changes in your life, isn't it work to accomodate them all? Think about it - it even takes work to put up with your family so it's certainly going to take work to put up with someone who you see 24/7. While I personally don't think it should be fair game to ask these types of questions in the interviews, I have been warned that it is a possibility that they may be asked. Although I was told they would be in a much more general way such as 'how does your partner feel about you having to move? have you discussed the time investment that will be required of you with your partner?' etc. Just keep the answers vague like Mimicat65 says - tell them that you have discussed it and you have the support you need. They don't have to know much more about your relationship than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest crazygirl2009 Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Hi there. I doubt they would ask you the specifics about your personal life. The traditional family structure no longer really exists and it would be very dicey for them to try and venture into it as there are so many definitions of it nowadays. That being said, they do want to make sure you are a well balanced and well rounded individual. They want to get to know you. They will probably try to assess what kind of support system you have in place to help you through the stresses of medicine. You can chose to divulge as much detail as you want. They will also likely want to know how you deal with stress and tough situations. Again, you can divulge as much detail as you want or chose examples that demonstrate that that you are comfy with talking about. Hope that helps. Good luck to you and your partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siobhansiobhan Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Hi If the adcom committee is not in the picture, and you were able to assess whether you have the support you want, whether you feel supported, whether you know what sort of support you want and how to ask from it from who, what would be your answer? That's the thought that struck me after reading the posts so far. I have been training as a psychotherapist for the past four years, the first two being experiential years. I was part of a group that became very closely knit as we learned gestalt methodology by experiencing it. So, we all experienced personal growth. Some of mine was around figuring out how to get support, and that indeed it is needed. "support' being a fairly vague term - one example is going to sit beside someone and getting some connection when I was feeling particularly isolated, and resistant to approaching another. The self-growth also included finally achieving patience and self-esteem to know that I could sit and learn sciences! So my goal of becoming a doctor came back as something I would pursue. I also ended a relationship that was not healthy, and started a new one. In that new relationship, we go to therapy once a week. There are two reasons to go. Broke and need fixing, or looking to get more out of life. (Also, a little bit of first-hand, experiential experience around gestalt approaches to couples therapy) Happily, this relationship I am in is in the second category. We are still learning from each other, and how to support each other, express our needs and desires to each other for support. What is there is truly an opportunity to grow by knowing another person in such a partnership. My partner also gets to learn about gestalt psychotherapy, such a big part of my life and professional training. So - I'm filling all this in, because I know how important relationships are, and what an impact they can have, and I really like that aspect getting talked about. Troubles seem like something to hide in front of an adcom. If we remove the adcom part of that - there is still a sense of not talking about relational or emotional trouble in our culture. I noticed that I heavily emphasized that I was training to be a psychotherapist when talking of my own experiences with therapy, relationships and developing systems of support. Typing all of this, I'm not sure how you'll respond - I'm aware of bringing in relational dynamics into a thread elsewhere and the poster not being happy. So, please post if I have said something that agitates you. All the best for you, in your path - Siobhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest archx Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Okay, thanks for the advice, you have all been very supportive. I'm hesitant to talk specifics about our relationship since this is a medschool forum not Ask Dr. Phil, but here goes anyway. If anyone thinks this is innappropriate just say so I I'll put the cork back in the bottle. When my wife has gets angry she yells that she hates me, wants a divorce, or wishes she never met me. Sometimes she throws things or hits or pushes me, throws her wedding ring at me. When she calms down she doesn't apologize for her behaviour. This has happened alot, I'd guess 50 times or more. Often when I try to speak to her, just to interact, she ignores me. If I try to point out that this is rude that is how a fight could start. We are both very stubborn and hot-tempered and disagreements quickly escalate. Many of our last several fights have started because I am trying to build my self-confidence in preparation for interviews (next year, haven't applied yet). So I'm reviewing old GPA, MCAT scores, if I express pride in my ability she shoots me down. If I talk about a good personality trait, she shoots me down. Example, our last fight started because we saw the lady who received a face transplant on the news in front of a throng of cameras and reporters. I commented, "wow that must be really hard for her, getting a new face is such a personal thing and here she is showing it too the world." And then because I've been thinking of personality traits that make good doctors and looking for them in myself I said "I guess that shows empathy". My wife was upset by this and told me it actually showed how insensitive I was because I had to point out a good quality. She thinks I think too highly of myself when actually the opposite is true and I'm trying build confidence. Anyway I told her she wasn't being supportive and tried to explain why I pointed out "my empathy". This one didn't end with "I hate you" from her because I left the room and went online and wrote my first post. An hour later I asked her if we could talk, "NO". I spent the night on the couch and had bad dreams all night long. She slammed the door on the way out to work this morning without speaking to me. The way she will deal with this is to just pretend it didn't happen tonight (if she has a good day at work). As I am preparing for applying to medicine and realizing that my chances of getting in are good, I am feeling better about myself and thinking that I don't deserve to be treated badly and standing up for myself more often which leads to more conflict (and apparently run-on sentences). The sad thing is my mom is just like my wife, always yelling at my father and colling him an idiot. How the hell did I end up in the same situation????????? Anyway so while my wife supports the idea of me becoming a doctor she is not giving me the emotional support I need. I don't like failing, and an inablity to admit that I failed in marriage is a factor in why I haven't left. Intellectually I know I should probably leave, emotionally I don't know how or if I'm able. I should point out that, I love where we live next to a beach, we have a nice house, garden, dog, and sometimes enjoy spending time together. I also really like her family and would feel incredibly guilty if I left. another reason I keep staying is that I often think of the big picture, of all the other people that would be happy to have my problems in exchange for their own and I say to myself, "Count your blessings, don't be such a wimp." It's not all bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest happy2bme Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Of course no one here can give you professional advice on matters as serious as your relationshiip. However it definitly sounds like communication issues and I really think you would both benefit with couples counselling, even if the counselling reveals that you two are better off seperate and not together. Counselling will also offer the neutral third party for both of you to bounce your problems and concerns off of instead of each other. Who knows, deep down she might be jealous cause she wants to further her education, or she is scared of losing you when you enter medicine. As for the other family, they have lived with her, even though they won't take your side they will probably understand why if a seperation does occurs. On the good side, she just might not know how to fight fair, I have in the past removed my ring in protest because my communication was lacking. I happy to say that after working through our communication issues as a team, it hasn't come off again due to anger. I still fight with my significant other but we both know we want the best for each other and our marriage and we developed our own personal coping strategies, ie. I never keep anything that really ticks me off bottle up but I always say WHY it irks me. Get on it now though, the longer you wait the worse things will become. Be warned though, no change comes overnight, and no therapist can wave a magic wand to make everything better. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest satsumargirl Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Hey Sent you a private message...check your inbox Sats Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest muchdutch Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 'As I am preparing for applying to medicine and realizing that my chances of getting in are good, I am feeling better about myself and thinking that I don't deserve to be treated badly and standing up for myself more often which leads to more conflict (and apparently run-on sentences).' Regardless of your life path or your chances of getting into medicine, you don't deserve to be treated badly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siobhansiobhan Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 your posting is so rich and honest, and I can not do your post justice in this forum! For instance, as a fellow lister, I want to support you by telling you of all the @#%$ I've gone through, and because this is a forum for all of us becoming doctors, I am also aware of 'keeping my leadership' (as we all are learning to do in preparation for being doctors...i'm borrowing this term from gestalt training, so not about being 'above' or 'removed' but holding a leadership space) and so I will not go into my details. I just read a quote from Kuhbler-Ross in 'love, medicine and miracles' by Bernie Siegal, a surgeon who started to do some experimentally based medicine around stress/body-mind/emotional aspects to cancer: "I'm not o.k., you're not o.k., and that's o.k." I do know that your desire to keep the marriage and make it healthy is a good sign, if that is shared by your wife - apparently a singular measure for 'success' in marriage counselling is the commitment of both partners to the process of change. That has been my experience, too. - if you're interested in finding a therapist/psychologist, word of mouth is often how it's done. If you know anyone who seems balanced and neat, and you know goes to therapy, ask where they go I'm sorry I can't provide specific links, but I know of some listings websites, where you can choose a person and know a bit about their method. Also, psychotherapists often congregate in one office - if you can find an office in a building that has a lot of wellness centre sorts of things going on, you'll find a group who can make referrals. All the best with finding a support network of life-changing people around you, supporting you, your wife, and your partnership in your vulnerability and hope. If you'd like to p.m. me, go ahead and do so Siobhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest potential md Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Hi archx, I also sent you a private message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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