Medical Jokes to keep our minds occupied!

[Guest tigerlily]

Alright everyone,

Let's hear your funniest/lamest/corniest/silliest med jokes ever. This way we'll only check our applications every 15 minutes, instead of every 10

Good luck everyone! Try not to check *too* much until Magical (or Miserable?!) Monday

~Sarah~

 

I'll start us off:

 

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some @#%$'s got my pen!"

[Guest pharmgurl]

Hey everyone, obviously I'm at home on a Friday night, since I didn't want to make plans and have to cancel them if the news turned out to be bad. But since there is NO NEWS, I fully agree with telling jokes to kill time!

 

Here's one:

 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

[Guest leviathan]

Why would someone use the words myocardial infarct to a layperson?

[Guest Parii]

Hi there,

 

here is one more:

 

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

 

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

 

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

 

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

 

"I'm a gynecologist."

[Guest GundamDX]

agreed, it's just same as heart attack isn't it

[Guest tigerlily]

LOL! Reminds me of that scene from Patch Adams when all the Gynees meet for a conference

~Sarah~

[Guest MKxox]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man yells out. "This is her husband."

 

Good luck on Monday everyone,

xox

[Guest Persistent]

(This one is true!)

 

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn’t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn’t have an eleven."

[Guest Persistent]

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

 

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

 

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

 

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

[Guest Persistent]

A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

 

(Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX)

[Guest tigerlily]

To: All EMS Personnel

From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

 

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

 

- Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

- Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

- Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to @#%$), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

- HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

- Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

- Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

- The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

- And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

 

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

[Guest pharmgurl]

I love this thread.....it's somewhat anxiety-relieving, here's some more:

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

[Guest tigerlily]

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