I'm seriously depressed...do I still have hope?

[Guest Trinity]

Hey guys,

 

I'm sure most of you have read MANY similar topics to what I'm going to ask but still, I would love and greatly appreciate it if you can devote a little of your time to hearing my situation and answering my queries. :\

 

I just finished my 3rd year at U. of T. Before this year, I thought things were going better but this academic year has been the absolute worst and most depressing of my entire life. No exaggeration. |I

 

Here's a little background so you can see where I'm coming from. 1st year was okay, I guess, by my standards at least. I wasn't expecting a lot 'cause the transition was really difficult for me so that might've been my "downfall." Took 5 courses and got an A-, B+, B, B- and a C. 2nd year was a little better. Most of my grades fell upon the B/B+ level. A B, B and B+ in full-year courses and a B+, B and A- in half-year courses. Not a great change but I was proud 'cause I was gaining consistency in my performance and was determined to do even better in my later years.

 

Then came the rain. I took a half-year 3rd year course in the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year and somehow ended up with a C+. That was a shock 'cause I was expecting to raise my GPA...it took me a while to get over it. I was mad with myself. Mad and ambitious somehow.

 

This past 3rd year was a complete disaster. I took 6 courses in the Fall (instead of the recommended 5, thinking that the more courses I take, the "faster" I can raise my GPA...I know, I know, I have a crazy way of thinking!!) and aimed for 5 in the Winter. But all came apart after my 1st semester. My grades were dismal, I had deferred an exam and I dropped my program, switching from a specialist to a major + 2 minors. I couldn't take it anymore. I was overly stressed out in 1st semester, I can honestly say that. My mind was in a constant whirlwind. I had no time to think anything out and I screwed up. I screwed up bad.

 

So, what did I do? Instead of 5 courses during the Winter term, I dropped down to 2. It was too late to add any more courses, after dropping the prerequisites for my previous specialist program. I thought maybe, with more time, I can study more effectively and concentrate more and perhaps get good grades again. WRONG. The results of my 3rd year? One half-year course mark is still not up but I got a D- in a full-year course and in my half-year courses: a B+, D-, C, C- and a big fat F!! I failed for the first time in my life and the rest of my marks are not too far from it...|I

 

I don't know what to say about this. I don't know what to think. I am completely ashamed of myself, ashamed of my performance and I feel hopeless, like I can't take anymore of this. My parents don't know what's going on. Most of my family members still think all is well and that I'm well on my way to medical school. My younger sis (who just finished her 1st year, pretty successively, I might add) only knows as much as I tell her. I don't think she knows the magnitude of my failure this year. She is supportive though...

 

I don't know if now is finally the time to give up on the thought of medical school. :\ I don't even know if medical school is what I truly want in the first place!! I know I want to help people, I know I am really interested in the health sciences and I love being around patients and in a hospital setting. There's just something about it...

 

But now, I don't know if this is the final straw. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I decided to switch out of my specialist 'cause the courses bored me to death and I only really took it in the first place 'cause I felt I "had to" and that it was "appropriate" for a pre-med student. I know that switch is the right choice. But still, does that really change anything? My grades have pretty much closed the door on my "dream" and I feel hopeless.

 

So now, this summer, I am enrolled in 2 half-courses. Non-science though. One's for my minor and the other is an interesting elective. Hopefully, my interest levels will result in good marks and that can ameliorate some of the damage.

 

I am now thinking of taking an extra 5th year in my degree. It's not uncommon, apparently. I want to get excellent marks in both my 4th and 5th years and I think it may be possible 'cause this year has given me the wisdom, experience, determination and desperation to do so. >: This is my last chance at a fair shot at the future that I want and I will do whatever it takes to get it. The question is, will any med school consider me now? Will they only look at my last 2 years, hopefully, and not punish me because of my past?

 

But even more puzzling is the fact that I don't know if medical school would be right for me. :rolleyes After all this, I don't know if I truly want to be a family physician or maybe it's just some of their duties/responsibilities that I want. I hate all the hoops that we have to jump through to get there (though I know and understand that it's a part of the "filtering" process), I hate all the politics of getting recognition and gaining acceptance, I don't want to apply to work in a lab during the summer just 'cause all my fellow peers are doing so and I hate doing things with an ulterior motive. I truly and honestly want to help people and that's all I want to do. I don't care about the prestige, the money, whatever. It doesn't mean anything to me. When I think about becoming a family physician, all I can picture is being in a developing country, in a smaller village or "Doctors Without Borders"...being where help is needed the most. Being with the vulnerable, the sick and the needy. Being where all hope is nearly lost. I don't care about anything else. I just want to help out in the best way that I can...:\

 

So, in the end, the question is, is medical school even the right choice for me? Is that what I want? I have been thinking about nursing a lot lately...it really appeals to me. Much less schooling, a shorter path to the goal, more schools available, higher acceptance rate, less criteria, less hoops to jump through, less learning about all the "boring" stuff that I despise, more applications, more patient-oriented...basically, it seems to fit. It seems like the perfect fit for me. I think it may be it...

 

But still, I can't seem to totally let go of the notion of medical school...the possibility of it. I don't know how to let go of that idea. How do I decide what's right for me? I've reached the fork in the road and I can't decide which path to follow...:\

 

HELP!!

 

Thank you so much.

 

Trinity

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