Writer's Corner: Free Essay Grading by PastaInhaler

[vanillabear]

Take two, again a bit skeptical of the score I received... Thanks!

 

 

Technological advances will lead to less creativity.

 

Creativity, one of the most abstract features of human cognition, is an exaggerated imagination in which reality is blurred with an individuals beliefs and knowledge. As such, the people who are often the most creative have a broad imagination. Perhaps the best exemplifications of this are children. With a mind so colourful and imaginative, children are often the ultimate source of creativity, and this can be anecdotally observed by examining the front of any given suburban family's refrigerator. Technological advancements, notably with computers and film, have perhaps led to a decreased affinity for creative action. It can be observed that with an increase in technological advancement follows an increase in the wide variety of media available to individuals. Children, though incredibly creative themselves, are exposed to the projections of others' creativity in television shows, movies and games. Household fictions have had faces given to them. The bountiful creativity that a child may have experienced in imagining the behaviours and attitudes of a fictional character such as Spiderman has been reduced to: white male, average height, brown hair, Tobey McGuire. As much as the child may hope to reattain that creativity once more, the image of Hollywood's Spiderman has been inevitably sketched onto the child's mind. In such a way, the technological advances of film, for one, have led to a decrease in creative imagination.

 

Perhaps, though, technological advancements can foster and guide creativity. Technology has allowed a new realm of demand for creative individuals. More jobs are required for those with an affinity for creative work. In years past, the extent of creative individuals reached as far as music or horror stories told by campfire, whereas recently, a huge demand has been created for individuals to apply that same creativity in a new way. This demand has been created by new technologies allowing a broader application of creative thinking. Those same horror stories can be applied to movie plotlines and even video game villains. The animation and design of those characters allows even further application of creative ideas. For example, Harry Potter, previously a fantastic novel series, has now become an ocean of creative implementation. What started as simply words has transformed into video games, movies, action figures, fan-fiction, and even a whole theme park. Several thousand individuals have been involved in the formation of such a vast web of applications. If not for technological advances, those words would have remained as just that, and the creative imaginations and design of thousands of people would not have come to fruition. Therefore, although technological advancements may cause individuals to become less creative, they may also just as easily foster a growth in creativity.

 

It is evident that technological developments have an effect on creative acumen. The determination of when these new developments decrease creativity is abstract to define in that there may not be a clear-cut line. Technological development can cause us to become less creative when it leaves no room for advancement by the individual. In all scenarios insofar, individuals have had the ability to expand on what has been given to them. When watching a movie, individuals have freedom in how they view the characters, which ones they like, dislike, and love to hate. This inherently requires some time for the viewer or individual to reflect upon what they have observed. If this time is not available, the creative aptitude of an individual may decrease. For example, a child sitting in front of a television set for an entire day would potentially have most of their creative thinking intermingled with the television shows that they have observed. The associative networks in the child's mind has not had time to expand and create a new imaginative projection, one built by the beliefs and knowledge of the child. In a sense, the child's beliefs become those of the show, leading to a decrease in creative diversity. Thus, the determination of when developments of technology cause us to become less creative is controlled by the amount of time and the period of exposure that the individual has to the given projections of someone else's creativity. If the individual is not given time to reflect or associate what he/she has observed with his/her own beliefs, then the creative aptitude of the individual is no longer nurtured.

[PastaInhaler]

In a democracy, citizens who do not vote cannot affect their nation’s political destiny.

 

It has been a recent dominating trend that fewer younger people are not executing their right to vote in elections at all government levels. This can be attributed to the lack of interest of the newly eligible votes for the political world or for the lacklustre government officials and party leaders. In Canada’s latest federal election, the results were considered staggering and unexpected as the Conservative Party won a majority government and the Liberals for the first time failed to win enough ridings to either secure their position as the party in power or official opposition. Statistics reveal that the older generations, who tend to vote right wing conservative, made their way to the polling stations to vote, while the younger generations did not demonstrate their voting privileges. The indifference expressed by the younger crowd, who generally possess a more Liberal left wing perspective, failed to contribute to their nation’s political destiny and their expectations of the government may not be reached because of this.

 

Although voting during elections is the most direct and immediate contribution a citizen can make to a nation’s destiny, it is not necessary for them to vote to influence how a country is governed. Citizens below the age of 18 in Canada are not eligible to vote, however, they play a crucial indirect role. Studies show that adults with young children have different priorities and prospects than single adults without children. Parents with children tend to place education and services such as daycare at the top of their hierarchy of needs and expectations, while placing important on different issues as a childless adults. Despite not being able to vote independently, children change a parent’s outlook and influence on a nation’s political destiny.

 

Every citizen of a nation has the ability to provide input on how a nation is governed, both directly and indirectly. Voting in political elections to elect the representative of a riding, city, or country is a citizen’s most appropriate and significant approach to maintaining or creating change in the world of politics. However, as observed in young children, it is not necessary for citizens to vote to shape a nation and its current government in power. Ultimately is it up to the people to determine how much of an impact they will play in moulding a nation, since everyone has an individual, distinct vision for the country. If they decide to exercise this right to be a factor in developing the nation’s political destiny, any democratic country has given them the opportunity to.

 

Tasks were adequately addressed. Task#2 could use some more explaining, as well as task#3 (in reference to task#2).

 

What you seem to be getting at is the idea that nonvoters can affect a country's political destiny through influencing the values or political priorities of a voter. This is implied in your essay, but you will need to mention this idea explicitly. The essay reader will thank you for doing so.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLM/NOPQRST

[BenZino11]

Hey, first time poster. Here's my prompt/essay:

 

The government should fund scientific research only when it has a direct application to societal problems.

 

The above statement stipulates that government funding for scientific research should be distributed solely to institutions pursuing solutions to societal problems. The author is clearly a firm believer of dealing with the present, before getting distracted with other possible advancements. Cancer research receives millions of dollars of funding per year from the government, and has developed tremendously. The science has progressed so far as to actually make the idea of surviving a reasonable goal, especially with cancers such as Leukemia and breast cancer. Government funding to this current societal problem has involved many more useful and intellectual individuals into the field, thereby providing opportunities to come to a solution as soon as possible.

 

 

Although it is important to fund research into what appears to be “relevant” scientific research, many times in funding seemingly unrelated research, one can achieve a much more appropriate solution. If, for example, the government did not fund institutions researching unknown materials and organic compounds, many pharmaceutical drugs would not be present today. Despite appearing irrelevant, the discovery of each new useful molecule may provide a shortcut or alternative to eliminating the societal problems which have been given up on. As well as this, funding seemingly irrelevant science provides more knowledge of the universe, regardless of whether it is useful or not. This knowledge may one day be combined with future knowledge or be used as insight in the future to develop solutions to problems. Ultimately, knowledge is power, and the more we know, the more advanced society becomes, resulting in fewer problems.

 

To determine what scientific research with no application to societal problems should be funded becomes a question of organization, logic and competition. As long as this field remains competitive, only the best, most likely to succeed, ideas will be funded. If the research has both a method and an overall goal, it should be given consideration for government funding as it may ultimately prove relevant and beneficial to society. Without irrelevant research, there is limited perspective on the unknown. Since science has only breached a fraction of what there is to learn about the universe, funding research for current problems we know about, would only be setting ourselves up for future failure.

[lekarza]

Hey thanks so much for doing this, you're awsome!

 

A democratic government is never justified in keeping secrets from the voting public.

 

Thomas Jefferson has famously said that "honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom". Whether to tell the truth or to tell a lie has been a basic philosophical question that has been asked numerous times throughout history. A lie can either be providing a false account of something or withholding information. This philosophical question has been especially important in democratic governments, where the democratic representatives are representing the people and making decisions for the nation. As Thomas Jefferson so eloquantly stated, when it comes to a democratic government (whether it be state-wide or federally) it is best to not keep secrets from the people.

For example, the G20 Summit that was held in Toronto, Ontario Canada in 2010 presented a major conflict between the provincial government and the people when a 'secret law' was passed that increased security at the event. This law, known as the "Public Works Protection Act" was a World War Two law that allowed for protection of public buildings like courthouses. The alteration of this law provided more security closer to the G20 summit, resulting in police believing that they had the authority to stop, search and detain anyone near the G20 security zone. This led to over 1,100 arrests from over 20,000 police officers. The scenes that took place at the event raised issues regarding the liberty and security of the people in providing warrantless searches and stopping for identification. This situation was looked at as unfair because the protesters could not obey a law that they did not know existed. In this case, the provincial government was not justified in not making information well known to the public because it led to a huge misunderstanding and left the people feeling that they could not trust their government.

However, there are times where the government is justified in withholding the truth from its people, especially in times of war. Blitzkrieg is a battle tactic that was famously used by the German army in World War Two. The tactic was based on surprise attacks and proceeded in attacking with overwhelming force at high speeds to break through the enemy lines. The term was labeled after Germany invaded Poland in 1939. During the Battle of France, the French were increasingly frustrated with the German troops who had arrived first and would not let the French army reform their defensive lines along the river. Since Blitzkrieg is based on the element of surprise, it is important that the government withhold the information concerning their battle plans with the voting public. If information about a Blitzkrieg was told to the public, information may be leaked to the enemies, resulting in their battle plans being ruined.

This leads to an important philisophical question. When a democratic government is presented with information or a decision, should they tell the truth or withhold it from the voting people? In times of peace, it is not justified for the government to withhold the truth from its people. However, in times of war, the government may be justified in keeping secrets from its people. During the G20 summit, the provincial government was not justified in confusing the peopl with the out of date law they used to increase security measures. The summit should have been a peaceful event, however, it turned into chaos due to the secret the government withheld. In times of war, it is important to keep battle plans secret, in order to surprise the opponent and potentially win based on the element of surprise, as the German's did by using Blitzkrieg. In a world based on trust and honesty, the government should not withhold information from its people in times of peace, however, when secrecy is needed in order to win a battle or a war, withholding the truth may be justified.

[scubagirl]

An understanding of the past is necessary for solving the problems of the present.

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which solving a current problem might not require an understanding of the past. Discuss what you think determines whether or not the past should be considered in solving the problems of the present.

 

My response:

 

Learning from our mistakes is encouraged in today’s society as a way to model our behavior and make our choices. Using the past as a tool to guide our future behavior is extremely useful because it provides a template we may use to predict the outcomes of our possible choices, and select the most fruitful choice from these possibilities. Often, to make an informed decision, past experience with a situation may be necessary, as in the case of new technology.

In the case of the American invention of the Atomic bomb, the lack of prior knowledge about the effects of the technology proved tragic. In an effort to put an end to World War II, the Americans dropped an Atomic bomb on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, not only causing the deaths of millions of men, women, and children immediately, but also for generation to come due to radiation from the bomb. In this case, the American government had no experience with the bomb and no way to tell how much damage would be caused by the bomb, resulting in a horrific number of casualties. Clearly, in this case, an understanding of the past would have had a profound effect on the American’s decision to drop the bombs in Japan, and likely would not have resulted in such a bad ending.

There are cases, however, in which past experience is not necessary to facilitate problem solving, for example current issues surrounding genetic engineering and cloning in humans. Although history has never seen a situation like this before, North American scientists and government agencies alike are able to make informed, cautious decision in terms of the regulation of this new and potentially dangerous science. Scientific rather than historical knowledge has provided a base for us to make accurate predictions of the future, and from this, we are able to make the best decisions possible.

Although generally making predictions and basing decisions on the outcomes of the past is the most accurate way to solve problems of the present, there are cases in which this information is not available, and we are forced to take an alternative route to make our decisions. The scientific method is a great example of this alternative route: ideas are tested in a safe environment before they are executed in real life situations. Without past examples to support our decisions, we must rely on careful, accurate processes and weighing the options before we come to a conclusion. It is through this method we are able to progress and excel as a species regardless of what boundaries we approach.

 

 

I really appreciate the feedback

[PastaInhaler]

Thanks again!

 

 

Only those politicians who have learned the art of compromise can achieve their political goals.

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which a politician might achieve a political goal without compromising. Discuss what you think determines when politicians should compromise to achieve a political goal.

 

 

Politics can be described as the societal balance of power. There are numerous and varied political systems, and political goals can be achieved in a number of ways. Political change can effect a whole population and the global community as a whole. Modern, Western politics follows a democratic process. A key skill of a politician involved in democratic politics is compromise, which can be defined as the ability and willingness to examine different veiwpoints and make concessions to opponents. In Canada, a minority conservative government ruled the country federally for five years. By definition, this minority government controlled less than half of the seats in the House of Commons. In order to pass any legislation, support from at least one of the opposition parties was needed. In this situation, the conservative government, lead by Stephen Harper, became very well-versed in the fine art of compromise.

 

In contrast, the have been numerous politicians who refused to compromise, but achieved their political goals. For example, Joseph Stalin, the former dictatorial leader of the Soviet Union, refused to compromise on his hard-lined Communist party policy. He sought to make the Soviet Union into a global super power and succeeded. Under Stalin, the USSR also became a nuclear power. The overwhelming tenacity with which Stalin approached this goal led to the deaths of many Soviet citizens, but the goal of super power status was achieved none-the-less. The Dalai Lama can be held up as another, more positive, example of a politician who does not compromise. The Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of Tibet, a region that has long been annexed by China. The Dalai Lama has led the citizens of Tibet in a decades long struggle for independence from China. The government of China has consistently denied Tibet independence, but has offered many, much lesser concessions. The Dalai Lama has refused these concessions and has persistently fought for Tibetan independence. This struggle has gained a world-wide audience and there is widespread, global support for Tibetan independence.

 

Indeed, there are a number of factors that determine whether a politician can achieve his or her political goals without compromising. In dictatorial nations the political leader often does not have to compromise. This is especially true if there exists a significant cult of personality, as was the case with Stalin. In contrast, in democratic nations, compromise is generally essential to achieve political progress. The goal itself also determines if compromise is an option. In the case of Tibet, where absolute independence is the goal, not compromise can be accepted. Similarly in the USSR, where super power status was the overwhelming goal, compromise was not accepted. In Canada, where the goal could be the passing of the federal budget, compromise is not only acceptable, it is often necessary.

 

You're welcome.

 

Task#3 started to lose coherence. It is good to keep the examples minimal, unless you can adequately explain them, and have them fit under one ruling theme that determines when the prompt is true and when it is not true. Task#1's example will need to be explained further. As well, it is not a good idea to limit the explanation of the prompt under a particular constraint, such as "in democratic politics," since the rest of the essay must logically be limited by that constraint. It will serve to weaken the counter examples.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLM/NOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Hi. Can you give me some feedback on my essay? Thanks

 

Art should not challenge our perception of the world.

 

Describe a specific situation in which art challenges our perception of the world. Discuss what you think determines whether or not art should challenge our perception of the world.

 

Art is the product of deliberately arranging items in a way that influences and affects one or more of our senses, emotions and intellect. Art changes our perception of the world because it changes how one sees the world and makes sense of the world. Works of art can engender beliefs about the world and in turn can provide knowledge about the world. Death is a topic that everyone will witness countless times during his or her life. Many people fear death because of how much pain it causes to loved ones. Death of loved ones, animals and strangers are just a few examples that can mold one’s impression of death. My friend, John, has experienced death on several occasions, one of which was the death of his grandfather. John’s grandfather was in a lot of pain and was bedridden for months. For him death was almost inevitable and was the answer to the pain that he was feeling. Because of his grandfather’s death, John always thought of death has being imperative, yet inevitable. When I was in grade 9 in my Spanish class, I remember watching an informational movie with John on the art of bull fighting. A man dressed in colored clothing chases a bull around the ring, and tries to lodge a sharp instrument in his shoulder blade, and inevitably kill him. In this art form, death is put as a light-hearted form of entertainment. After John witnessed this art form, his perception of death was affected, and he started to perceive death as light-hearted. John was now perceiving death as almost graceful and serene. This art portrays death as un-daunting and John started to perceive death as less fearful after the movie.

 

Many western countries view climate change as a serious problem to the sustainability of the earth. The purpose of the 1984 Climax climate change art exhibition in Paris, was to have visitors experience an emotional “climate shock” such that it affects their thinking about the environment. However, many people who visited the art exhibition viewed it as a failure and were not impressed by it because they had no prior knowledge of even what climate change was. People had no prior knowledge of how climate change would impact them, and as a result, the art did not change their perception of climate change as a serious risk to sustainability of the earth.

 

What determines whether art changes one's perception of the world is whether one has prior knowledge with that art. If one has experienced death in the family and has knowledge about the emotional impact it has, then certain art such as death during a bull fight may elicit certain emotions that may change ones perceptions about death. If one has no prior experience or knowledge about climate change it may be difficult for art to change their perception of how climate change will affect sustainability of earth. Therefore, prior knowledge dictates whether art will change how one perceives the world.

 

You're welcome.

 

The prompt uses the word "should" which should have been explored in the essay, but it seems that it was the word "could" that was explored in the essay. The prompt refers to the credibility of art to be used as a vehicle to change the worldviews of humanity, or whether art has a moral imperative to do so. I believe this is the theme that the AAMC test writers want the test taker to explore. The first task is not adequately addressed. Task#2 will require more explanation, and will need to stay focussed on the prompt.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLMNOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Can you mark my essay please. Thank you!

 

Of all forms of media, television has the strongest influence on public opinion.

 

Television is one of the most common appliances in the world. Television is a telecommunication medium for transmitting images, text, and voice. It’s wide spread availability in the majority of homes makes it a great tool for informing the public about major issues that affects their lives. However, television can also be used to change people’s opinion about a certain issue. During the 2000 televised Portugal federal election debate, the liberal party leader Hugh Medrez explained that abortion should be legalized because of the many that young teens can gain such as a better education instead of raising a child. Hugh Medrez was able to influence public opinion on abortion during his televised speech by selling to the public that these young women need a second chance in life and they should be able to postpone child bearing for when the time is adequate. Furthermore, Hugh Mendrez added that due t ohigh unemployment women may seek an abortion because they may want to bring a child where they cannot afford to take good care of the child. This may mean that the child grows up in inadequate homes and lack of good parenting causes the child to move In the wrong direction as an adult. Due to high unemployment reat, many people agreed with Hugh Medrez’s arguments on abortion and he was able to influence on how people view abortion from killing of an innocent baby to a better future for the young teen. This lead to the victory of Hugh Medrez in federal election.

 

Apples’ announced the addition of IPAD to it’s product line through a conference that was broadcasted over the internet live. The majority of people who are tech savy and who are interested in new technology were able to view the conference on the internet. This allowed Apple to target a small but important audience who were interested in new technology such as IPAD, who would review this product and provide their opinions to the non-technology savy individuals. Due to many positive reviews of IPAD online, public opinion of IPAD in general was positive and everyone was rushing to the store to get their hands on an IPAD. In this case, the internet was great tool for influencing a particular small tech-savy audience.

 

What determines whether television will affect public opinion is the size of the audience that it’s trying to reach. For a big audience such as population of Portugal, television can have a strong influence on public opinion on matters such as abortion because television is widely available and accessible. Issues such as abortion televised can quickly grab people’s attention from other things they have going on in their lives and make them think about the issue. For a small audience such as tech-savy individuals, internet may have a more influence on their opinion than television because they are able to analyze the technology and have meaningful discussion in internet forms and blogs. Therefore, internet engages tech-savy people to provide feedback on a new product such as the IPAD which will then influence the opinions of non-tech savy people on the IPAD.

 

You're welcome.

 

Some grammatical problems were evident. These problems detracted from your intended meaning.

There was a small conflict in the logic in task#2, be mindful of the word 'everyone' when you are emphasizing a small number of people.

Otherwise, tasks were adequately addressed.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLM/NOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Thanks once again.

 

Progress often complicates as much as it simplifies

 

Progress occurs when society moves forward in one or more dimensions of life. These dimensions can include scientific progress, social progress, or other types of progress. The goal of progress is to make life easier or to simplify life. However, discoveries that may initially simplify life often complicate it just as much.

 

An example of something that complicates as much as it simplifies is Facebook. Facebook was created with the intention of being a social media centre that simplified relationships with others. This technological advancement acted as a place where friends could send event invitations or contact each other. However, as much as it has simplified connection between friends, it has complicated the employer-employee relationship. As people begin posting more information and pictures on Facebook, they must be increasingly more cautious about what they say. For example, a teaching assistant at an Ontario university was fired for posting a status that demeaned the students she marked. Clearly her life was complicated just as much as it was simplified by Facebook.

 

On the other hand, progress does sometimes lead to simplification without complication. A recent change to the Ontario liquor law removed existing restrictions at festivals and events where alcohol was restricted to small venues known as beer tents. This progression in the law made life at festivals much more enjoyable for those attending as they can now roam freely throughout the entire venue. This also makes it easier for law enforcement as more relaxed laws make controlling alcohol consumption less of an issue. By changing a rule that was already in place, progress led to the simplification of life for the majority of people without creating further complications.

 

Progress can occur in one of two forms. It can be created as invention of new ideas or as innovation to old ideas. In terms of complication, invention will likely lead to as much complication of life as simplification while further successful innovation to that idea will continually simplify life without further complication.

 

You're welcome.

 

It will strengthen your essay if you changed out scientific, to technological in your second sentence, and mentioned something about law in that sentence as well. The example of the teaching assistant will need to be clarified further. You will need to show the connection to the technological progress causing complications with the teaching assistant. For what reason should we blame Facebook and the not the teaching assistant? Paragraph#3 (Task#3) seems unfocussed and incoherent. You will need to clarify your view more accurately.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKL/MNOPQRST

[Grey's Anatomy]

Thanks PastaInhaler! I appreciate your help very much!

 

The best education teaches students to question authority

 

Henry Thoreau was a highly influential figure who passionately expressed the theory of nonviolent resistance against injustice in his Civil Disobedience essay in 1849. He refused to cooperate with an unjust system and urged “honest men to rebel and revolutionize.” Education often teaches students to challenge authority for the betterment of society. On a national scale, many people including Thoreau consider it a moral obligation to oppose authorities such as unjust laws and state. The Jim Crow Laws were enacted in the United States from 1876-1965, which resulted in racial segregation, and frequent inferior treatment of Black Americans. In his autobiography, Martin Luther King acknowledges Thoreau for his teachings, which inspired the Freedom Riders of 1961 to protest against the discriminatory practices. These Freedom Riders, who were Black, White, men, and women, stood up for human rights and equality. They practiced nonviolent resistance against the unjust authorities. Willing to die for their cause, the Freedom Riders served to challenge status quo and hoped to improve the society in which they and their children would live.

 

Although education often teaches us to challenge authority, there are instances when education in fact teaches students to respect authority. As children, we are taught in school and in our homes to respect and look after one another. In other words, we are taught to protect and serve society. Many services that are provided to citizens in Canada can be considered privileges. For instance, the Canadian government invests billions of dollars annually in the health care system in order to provide universal health care to citizens. Free access to health care, a privilege in society, does not discriminate against age, sex, or socioeconomic status. As a result, citizens are taught to respect authority in order to protect society’s security and welfare.

 

Education is an important part of most societies, as it encourages citizens to challenge authority under some circumstances, as well as to respect authority in other contexts. Education should teach students to question unjust laws and state that infringe others’ fundamental rights as citizens. In contrast, education should teach students to respect authority when we live in a privileged society. The Freedom Riders in 1961 hoped to challenge unjust and discriminatory laws in order to construct a safer society for citizens. When authorities such as the government provide security and welfare for its citizens, education should teach students to respect authority maintain privileges that benefit society.

[PastaInhaler]

History is the record of

humanity's wars.

 

Describe a specific situation in which history might be the

record of something other than humanity's wars. Discuss what you think

determines when history should be the record of humanity's wars and when it

should be something else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interestingly,

it is rather easy for children to sit through a history class in elementary

school and learn about the development of humanity. On the other hand, the term

"history" is quit complex and cannot be defined by simply humanity's progession

though time. Put consisly, history is the record of humanity's ability to learn

from the past. In certain times, humanity fails and delves into the wrong side

of moral righteousness. For

exaple, world war two was a time in which cauos and havic took the betterment

of judgement. The result was the United States of America becoming morally

blind, pulling all means nessessary in order to end the war. Japan's Heroshima

was bomded by nuclear missiles destroying the entire town and killing

thousands. In this case, history is indeed the record of humanity's wars

because the event that took place involved the killing of humans.

 

 

 

Other

times however, humanity overcomes its vices and history is then a record of

humanity's achievement. For example, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandella, and

Malcom X all strived to eraticate slavery. During the early 1900's, equality

between races was one of humanities biggest issues. Through diligent effort,

slavery was discontiunued. This is a case where humanity overcame a vice because

the event involed the freeing of human lives. Therefore, history is the record

of humanity's achievement.

 

 

Although it is satisfactory of children in Elemantary School to understand history as a

record of time, it does not sum the complexity of histoy. The line can be drawn

by discussing whether or not humanity benifts as a whole by the events that

takes place or not. In the case of shameful war and lose of human life, history

is the record of humanity's wars. In the case of prideful erratication of

slavery, history is the record of humanity's achievement.

 

The numerous spelling errors can detract from the ideas you are trying to express, and it can affect the flow of your essay.

Task#1 was not adequately addressed. There were problems with mechanics and the writing at times lost focus and coherence.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JK/LMNOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Third attempt! (Written before seeing comments on my second attempt, so hopefully it will still show some improvement!)

 

 

A nation's foreign aid should be directed to help those countries that help themselves.

 

The designated to be used to aid the development and stability of foreign countries is, generally, wasted when spent on countries that are either not willing to, or have no desire to help themselves. The money allocated to these countries does not make and noticeable change in the overall quality of life as it is most often minute in comparison to the needs of the country. The main issue with providing nations that are not making strides towards improving their conditions themselves is ensuring that the money is being put to use in a way that is beneficial to the peoples of the nation. Many of the underdeveloped nations that have not moved towards improving their overall quality of life have governments that are corrupt and in turmoil. The money given to these countries is then susceptible to laundering by some of the government officials. In order to ensure acceptable usage of the given money in a nation that has not shown it is willing to make choices for the better of its people requires a presence of the nation that is donating the money. This, however, cannot be seen as an appropriate method of aid as it deprives the nation accepting the aid of its full independence.

 

There are, as is most often the case, exceptions to the preceding statements. For example, if a nation is in turmoil that cannot be brought to an end internally, it is the responsibility of the nations that have methods of helping to do so. One might think of the nation of Rwanda during the year 1994. During which a massive genocide occurred, claiming the lives of roughly eight hundred thousand people as two tribes, the Hutu’s and the Tutsi’s, waged war on each other. This is a historic example of the atrocities that can occur when proper intervention steps are not taken. The United Nations could have, and should have, funded an intervention that would have saved many lives. The failure of the United Nations has even been acknowledged by United Nations representatives.

 

With respect to the allocation of foreign aid, the capability of the receiving nation to end its problems itself should be taken into account. If a nation is fully capable of helping themselves, and simply refuses to take the steps necessary, the aid should be used in some other fashion. That is because aiding such nations only perpetuates their current actions. However, if it is clear that the nation cannot resolve its issues on its own, foreign aid from nations capable of sending it should be used to help set the receiving nation back on track towards economic and social stability.

 

 

Thanks so much for all of your help, I really had no idea what to expect for this section of the mcat, what you're doing here is amazing!

You're welcome, glad to help.

 

There were some problems with mechanics that detracted from your intended meaning. At times, the essay lost focus and coherence.

The first two tasks were not adequately addressed.

You had given the negative form of the prompt and an example for that. The example in paragraph #2 does not address task#2

Describe a specific situation in which a nation's foreign aid might justifiably not be directed to help those countries that help themselves.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLMNOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Dude. Rockstar. Srsly. Here's round 2. I'm using your feedback to break into the "average" category

 

Although it claims to promote individuality, most advertising promotes conformity.

 

In advertising, there are two successful marketing approaches to appeal to the buying public. These two approaches juggle two contradictory, yet ironically, simultaneous universal needs. The first approach appeals to the need to fit in and be accepted - to conform to the mainstream ideal. This approach is successful because it gives the consumer a sense of belonging. The second approach differs from this methods as it appeals to the need to feel unique and stand-out. This approach is successful because it makes the buyer feel that by choosing this specific product, he or she is "special."

It is obvious that the use of images in advertising that promote conformity is prevalent in all types of media. A prototypical example of this is children's clothing stores such asTarget. This retailer advertises "back to school" sales heavily at the beginning of the fall season. In advertisements set in playgrounds and classrooms, children who have clothing from Target are seen wearing trendy clothing and being admired by their friends and complimented by their peers. By marketing Target clothing as the ideal and expected brand of clothing for school age children, this advertisement promotes a wardrobe that blends in on the school yard, worn by a student who conforms to other children.

However, other marketing campaigns prove that promote individuality can be also be successful. The Dove Beauty campaign advertises body cleansers and shampoo in multi-media features that use "real" women, making a point not to employ professional models. These campaigns promote not only Dove, but using their products to demonstrate self-esteem and self-worth. The message that these advertisements promote is that individuality is as important to Dove as it is to the Dove consumer. A woman who buys Dove products - which are becoming increasingly more popular - does not want to look like everyone else. And she is okay with that.

The goal of all advertising is to market the values a product represents. When these values are shared by the consumer, he or she will buy these products. Advertising promotes individuality when it also, in essence, promotes the consumer. This advertising approach sells the consumer on the values of uniqueness and self-determination. In contrast, advertising promotes conformity when it instead promotes the product or the lifestyle that the product represents. Advertising that promotes conformity sells the consumer on valuing being one of the 'in' crowd. Although advertising to the individual and to the mass market represent two different extremes and value sets, they are both effective methods of advertising.

 

Responds adequately to task#1 and task#2. Task#3 was not adequately addressed. You will need to connect the idea from the Target commercial, and the Dove campaign, and explain what conclusions can be drawn from them as they relate to conformity and individuality.

 

There were issues with grammar that detracted from your intended meaning. Ideas are somewhat developed.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLM/NOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Television has more influence in people than books do.

 

Society today is dominated by the screen, where it is rare and unrealistic to find a household in the developed world that does not have a television. Television has evolved into the dominating influence over books, because it is a form of media that encompasses countless forms of entertainment. Television provides advertisement via commercials, entertainment via shows and sporting events, and most importantly, up-to-date immediate new coverage from all over the globe. Among the most quintessential aspects of television which is uncontested by books is the instantaneous information available to the people to maintain a well informed public. The news helps dictate how the people live their lives, from local reports such as the weather forecast, to more global issues such as the economical crisis and information from the wars overseas.

 

Although they cannot compete with the immediate and informative advantages of television, books feed the imagination of children and adults alike in a way not possible through a screen. The imagery, scenery, and character appearance which the reader can create is all available, hence, limited during television shows and movies. Many movies and television programs are based on popular books, and avid fans usually prefer the books because the endless boundaries that accommodate words, but not images. Although the Harry Potter movie series are extremely popular, the foundation of their fan base was developed through the massive following of the books. These books had an overwhelming influence on the children of the generation, where the public considered J.K Rowling as a celebrity and witnessed line ups to buy books instead of watching television.

 

It is difficult to compare the influence of television and books because each affects a distinct aspect of one’s life. Television is current, where everything on the screen from the advertised products and television programs are made to be new and the predominant influence is on lifestyle. This is in contrast to books, where the information is timeless: the characters and story plots are made to carry with each generation, and the influence is on imagination and creativity. Television and books have different strengths, both being able to prompt thought from their respective viewers and readers.

 

Tasks#1 and tasks#2 were adequately addressed. Yet, task#3 was not adequately addressed. You had the right ideas, but you needed to state the criterion for which determines whether televion or books has a greater effect in people.

 

Some grammatical issues, but evidence of clarity. Some problems with organization.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLM/NOPQRST

[Gametime24]

Actually completely misread the prompt when I wrote this and essentially did part of it backwards now that I look at it... hmmmm, pay more attention to my work? I think so lol. Hopefully gonna get another try out tonight and not focus on anything in particular since my first essay was my highest score lol! Hopefully it helps

 

Edit: And was apparently blind when editing... first two sentences were horrid lol.

[meager]

Teachers must accept partial responsibility for the failures of any of their students.

 

All students have unique and distinct forms of learning, so it is part of the teacher’s responsibility to identify the appropriate method of conveying the content to the students in the most effective way. The teacher is partially accountable for a student’s failure to grasp the information if the teacher refuses to either introduce new teaching approaches to correspond to the needs of the students or to initiate an after school additional help session. Every subject in school is subject to criticism by the students, usually relating to its difficulty or dullness, but the teacher must attempt to appeal to the interest of the students. Many science teachers incorporate exciting science experiments into the curriculum to reinforce scientific principles, and this allows the student to grasp the information and relate it back to tangible or observable applications. If a science teacher failed to acknowledge that the students learned more effectively with fun experiments than monotonously taking down notes, then the teacher is at fault to a certain extent if the students do not achieve an acceptable grade.

 

Under several circumstances however, despite the teacher’s innovative teaching methods and integration of new techniques, students cannot or unwilling to learn the material at hand. Although the teacher can effectively convey and explain the material to the majority of the children, one cannot expect the teacher to teach students motivation. If a student has deemed math is a useless subject and display pure indifference for a poor mark, it should not be the teacher’s responsibility to change a student’s complete outlook. The student’s failure are all brought upon by his or hers unwillingness to learn, not ability to learn; therefore, the teacher is not responsible for the student’s poor marks if the option for extra help is offered.

 

The person who should be blamed for a student’s failures is circumstantial and dependent on how both the teacher and student approach their respective roles. If the teacher is not creative and flexible, then they are to blame for their inability to spark interest and inspiration in their students. However, if a student is rejects the notion of learning and the concept of motivation, the child will failure regardless of a teacher’s efforts. If both parties are aiming for the student’s success of understanding the content and achieving an exceptional mark, then there are no failures, just improvements to be made.

[PastaInhaler]

Thanks again! Hopefully I'll get the hang of the writing sample soon! Trying to nail down WS and VR at the moment. I'll make sure to try and develop both task #1 and task #2 with examples for my next essay and to bring them both together in the third task. Any other quick tips would be nice! Is there anything specific they look for in the more high scoring essays? Or is it more about the overall feel of the essay (ie flows well, good use of language, and all tasks discussed and developed)?

 

In considering essays, high-scoring essays have well-developed ideas, and they respond well to the prompt, and properly address the four tasks. The language used in these essays is at a higher level than average. Even though the AAMC claims that spelling and grammar are not an issue, in fact, they are in high-scoring essays. In addition, essays that have few errors reflect the writer's facility with language, as well as demonstrate the writer's accuracy and precision with the quill. Further, you will find that a high-scoring essay proceeds from one fully explained idea to the next, demonstrating organization and coherence. In sum, all of these items combine to form an overall feeling of the essay, one of clarity with a fine mixture of complexity and depth. This is what the essay readers are assessing.

[Gametime24]

Thanks! Going to try putting a couple of minutes into an outline rather than just writing off the start next time, make sure to edit at the end, and provide solid examples with explanations as well. Thanks again.

 

Quick question though as I have heard differing opinions on the matter. Should I try and attack the prompt in a common fashion? Or should I put an attempt to come at it from a more abstract angle? EK said "cookie-cutter" fashion, but I've heard the opposite from other books/people. Just wondering your opinion!

[PastaInhaler]

Actually completely misread the prompt when I wrote this and essentially did part of it backwards now that I look at it... hmmmm, pay more attention to my work? I think so lol. Hopefully gonna get another try out tonight and not focus on anything in particular since my first essay was my highest score lol! Hopefully it helps

 

Edit: And was apparently blind when editing... first two sentences were horrid lol.

 

Do pay attention to the prompt as well as the instructions afterwards. There is actually a test prep company that instructs that you should ignore the instructions since they are the same anyway. Bad advice. The instructions may be similar, but they are not the same. At times, the prompts are difficult to interpret, and the instructions help you to interpret the prompt as well as to construct your essay. Moreover, it allows you to doublecheck your essay to make sure that you are doing it correctly.

 

Thanks! Going to try putting a couple of minutes into an outline rather than just writing off the start next time, make sure to edit at the end, and provide solid examples with explanations as well. Thanks again.

 

Quick question though as I have heard differing opinions on the matter. Should I try and attack the prompt in a common fashion? Or should I put an attempt to come at it from a more abstract angle? EK said "cookie-cutter" fashion, but I've heard the opposite from other books/people. Just wondering your opinion!

 

You should create an outline that takes a straightforward and logical approach at responding to the prompt. Simple and straightforward is usually easier to grade than abstract and convoluted. The essay readers have to read a lot of essays in a short period of time, and although your essay may be a good one, if the reader has difficulty in understanding your argument quickly and easily, she may feel that you are having issues with clarity of thought. The writing sample is not a test of how well you can write -well, it is to some extent, but it isn't a measure of your creative wordplay, or poetic expression; rather, it assesses your ability to reason well, and to think through various options. For this reason, it is sad that the writing sample will be eliminated in four years.

[PastaInhaler]

Take two, again a bit skeptical of the score I received... Thanks!

 

 

Technological advances will lead to less creativity.

 

Creativity, one of the most abstract features of human cognition, is an exaggerated imagination in which reality is blurred with an individuals beliefs and knowledge. As such, the people who are often the most creative have a broad imagination. Perhaps the best exemplifications of this are children. With a mind so colourful and imaginative, children are often the ultimate source of creativity, and this can be anecdotally observed by examining the front of any given suburban family's refrigerator. Technological advancements, notably with computers and film, have perhaps led to a decreased affinity for creative action. It can be observed that with an increase in technological advancement follows an increase in the wide variety of media available to individuals. Children, though incredibly creative themselves, are exposed to the projections of others' creativity in television shows, movies and games. Household fictions have had faces given to them. The bountiful creativity that a child may have experienced in imagining the behaviours and attitudes of a fictional character such as Spiderman has been reduced to: white male, average height, brown hair, Tobey McGuire. As much as the child may hope to reattain that creativity once more, the image of Hollywood's Spiderman has been inevitably sketched onto the child's mind. In such a way, the technological advances of film, for one, have led to a decrease in creative imagination.

 

Perhaps, though, technological advancements can foster and guide creativity. Technology has allowed a new realm of demand for creative individuals. More jobs are required for those with an affinity for creative work. In years past, the extent of creative individuals reached as far as music or horror stories told by campfire, whereas recently, a huge demand has been created for individuals to apply that same creativity in a new way. This demand has been created by new technologies allowing a broader application of creative thinking. Those same horror stories can be applied to movie plotlines and even video game villains. The animation and design of those characters allows even further application of creative ideas. For example, Harry Potter, previously a fantastic novel series, has now become an ocean of creative implementation. What started as simply words has transformed into video games, movies, action figures, fan-fiction, and even a whole theme park. Several thousand individuals have been involved in the formation of such a vast web of applications. If not for technological advances, those words would have remained as just that, and the creative imaginations and design of thousands of people would not have come to fruition. Therefore, although technological advancements may cause individuals to become less creative, they may also just as easily foster a growth in creativity.

 

It is evident that technological developments have an effect on creative acumen. The determination of when these new developments decrease creativity is abstract to define in that there may not be a clear-cut line. Technological development can cause us to become less creative when it leaves no room for advancement by the individual. In all scenarios insofar, individuals have had the ability to expand on what has been given to them. When watching a movie, individuals have freedom in how they view the characters, which ones they like, dislike, and love to hate. This inherently requires some time for the viewer or individual to reflect upon what they have observed. If this time is not available, the creative aptitude of an individual may decrease. For example, a child sitting in front of a television set for an entire day would potentially have most of their creative thinking intermingled with the television shows that they have observed. The associative networks in the child's mind has not had time to expand and create a new imaginative projection, one built by the beliefs and knowledge of the child. In a sense, the child's beliefs become those of the show, leading to a decrease in creative diversity. Thus, the determination of when developments of technology cause us to become less creative is controlled by the amount of time and the period of exposure that the individual has to the given projections of someone else's creativity. If the individual is not given time to reflect or associate what he/she has observed with his/her own beliefs, then the creative aptitude of the individual is no longer nurtured.

 

You need not be skeptical of the score given by the other grader. Do you care to share what score you were given?

[PastaInhaler]

Hey, first time poster. Here's my prompt/essay:

 

The government should fund scientific research only when it has a direct application to societal problems.

 

The above statement stipulates that government funding for scientific research should be distributed solely to institutions pursuing solutions to societal problems. The author is clearly a firm believer of dealing with the present, before getting distracted with other possible advancements. Cancer research receives millions of dollars of funding per year from the government, and has developed tremendously. The science has progressed so far as to actually make the idea of surviving a reasonable goal, especially with cancers such as Leukemia and breast cancer. Government funding to this current societal problem has involved many more useful and intellectual individuals into the field, thereby providing opportunities to come to a solution as soon as possible.

 

 

Although it is important to fund research into what appears to be “relevant” scientific research, many times in funding seemingly unrelated research, one can achieve a much more appropriate solution. If, for example, the government did not fund institutions researching unknown materials and organic compounds, many pharmaceutical drugs would not be present today. Despite appearing irrelevant, the discovery of each new useful molecule may provide a shortcut or alternative to eliminating the societal problems which have been given up on. As well as this, funding seemingly irrelevant science provides more knowledge of the universe, regardless of whether it is useful or not. This knowledge may one day be combined with future knowledge or be used as insight in the future to develop solutions to problems. Ultimately, knowledge is power, and the more we know, the more advanced society becomes, resulting in fewer problems.

 

To determine what scientific research with no application to societal problems should be funded becomes a question of organization, logic and competition. As long as this field remains competitive, only the best, most likely to succeed, ideas will be funded. If the research has both a method and an overall goal, it should be given consideration for government funding as it may ultimately prove relevant and beneficial to society. Without irrelevant research, there is limited perspective on the unknown. Since science has only breached a fraction of what there is to learn about the universe, funding research for current problems we know about, would only be setting ourselves up for future failure.

 

Adequately responds to the tasks, save for task#3. Task#3 is unclear and will need to be explained more clearly. Some problems with organization, ideas presented in a somewhat coherent manner. Few grammatical or usage errors.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLM/NOPQRST

[peef]

History is the record of

humanity's wars.

 

Describe a specific situation in which history might be the

record of something other than humanity's wars. Discuss what you think

determines when history should be the record of humanity's wars and when it

should be something else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interestingly,

it is rather easy for children to sit through a history class in elementary

school and learn about the development of humanity. On the other hand, the term

"history" is quit complex and cannot be defined by simply humanity's progession

though time. Put consisly, history is the record of humanity's ability to learn

from the past. In certain times, humanity fails and delves into the wrong side

of moral righteousness. For

exaple, world war two was a time in which cauos and havic took the betterment

of judgement. The result was the United States of America becoming morally

blind, pulling all means nessessary in order to end the war. Japan's Heroshima

was bomded by nuclear missiles destroying the entire town and killing

thousands. In this case, history is indeed the record of humanity's wars

because the event that took place involved the killing of humans.

 

 

 

Other

times however, humanity overcomes its vices and history is then a record of

humanity's achievement. For example, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandella, and

Malcom X all strived to eraticate slavery. During the early 1900's, equality

between races was one of humanities biggest issues. Through diligent effort,

slavery was discontiunued. This is a case where humanity overcame a vice because

the event involed the freeing of human lives. Therefore, history is the record

of humanity's achievement.

 

 

Although it is satisfactory of children in Elemantary School to understand history as a

record of time, it does not sum the complexity of histoy. The line can be drawn

by discussing whether or not humanity benifts as a whole by the events that

takes place or not. In the case of shameful war and lose of human life, history

is the record of humanity's wars. In the case of prideful erratication of

slavery, history is the record of humanity's achievement.

 

 

 

 

This is only worthy of a J. Why did you capitalize elementary school? Ever heard of spell check? I don't even type like this on Facebook with my friends.

 

If you wanna do well on the MCAT, you're gonna have to take it seriously.

[vanillabear]

You need not be skeptical of the score given by the other grader. Do you care to share what score you were given?

 

I got a 6/6 (T)... it was marked by an anonymous TPR grader.

[Asta]

This is only worthy of a J. Why did you capitalize elementary school? Ever heard of spell check? I don't even type like this on Facebook with my friends.

 

If you wanna do well on the MCAT, you're gonna have to take it seriously.

 

You don't get to spell check on the MCAT. To get a fair assessment, submitting an essay that hasn't been spell checked would be a good idea. Further, constructive criticism is very welcomed here. But you are being a jerk.

[Gametime24]

You don't get to spell check on the MCAT. To get a fair assessment, submitting an essay that hasn't been spell checked would be a good idea. Further, constructive criticism is very welcomed here. But you are being a jerk.

 

Agreed ^^ this thread is for people to learn and improve (myself included haha) English may not be their first language, or maybe it was 2 am like it was the last time I wrote one and they were simply too tired to proof read, not realizing how badly it had been put together. Or maybe they just need a lot of work with their WS. Regardless, there's no need to be rude about it. If you don't want to help someone out with positive criticism, then just don't bother posting.. It doesn't cause you any harm if someone else "Isn't taking the mcat seriously" (if that was even the case..)