Writer's Corner: Free Essay Grading by PastaInhaler

[slumdogMD]

Thanks for doing this!

 

The introduction of modern technologies is harmful to underdeveloped areas of the world.

Describe a specific situation in which the introduction of modern technologies might not be harmful to an underdeveloped area of the world. Discuss what you think determines whether or not the introduction of modern technologies is harmful to underdeveloped areas of the world

 

 

In today's world, the rapid development of technologies is something most people take pride in. Historians are often baffled when discussing the huge advances in technology within a ten-year span in the 20th century compared to the 15th century. The above prompt regarding technology uses the phrase "underdeveloped areas of the world" in a rather vague manor. However, the phrase can be best defined as "third world countries" that are not as prosperous as larger and richer countries. At times, the introduction of modern technologies is indeed harmful to third world countries. A prime example is Nicaragua. Nicaragua is listed as the 3rd poorest country in the world having an estimated 100,000 homeless and even more jobless. Because the country's economic poverty, politians typically come from wealthy background due to the high cost of campaigning. Such is the case with the country's 81st president Arnoldo Alemen who was born in a family of bankers and investers. Five years into his presidency, Arnoldo Aleman was charged with embezzlement and money laundering of the 100 million dollars of government treasury money. It was reported that he used the Internet to track money and place funds into bank accounts worldwide. By stealing such huge amounts of money, Nicaragua has never been the same because citizens are now extremely cautious about who they vote for during elections. The result is many citizens not bothering to vote. In this case, the advancement of the Internet was harmful to Nicaragua.

 

However, technology is not always harmful. Take the Twitter Revolution in Iran for example. During the country's elections in 2009, reports surfaced that the election was rigged. Citizens began to protest in the streets and because of Iran's strict rules of press coverage, the main source of reporting the new was Twitter. In fact, Twitter was so important in the delevlopment of news in Iran that the US congress even asked Twitter to delay a upgrade to their system in order to allow updates from Iran's riots to continue. In this case, the Internet was not harmful to Iran; rather it was useful.

 

So a distinct line can be drawn between when technology is harmful and when it is helpful. When technology is used as a method of furthering the betterment of the country as a whole, technology is indeed helpful. However, when technology is used to further the betterment of an individual, technology is harmful.

[slumdogMD]

-clicked-

 

 

The introduction of modern technologies is harmful to underdeveloped areas of the world.

Describe a specific situation in which the introduction of modern technologies might not be harmful to an underdeveloped area of the world. Discuss what you think determines whether or not the introduction of modern technologies is harmful to underdeveloped areas of the world

 

 

In today's world, the rapid development of technologies is something most people take pride in. Historians are often baffled when discussing the huge advances in technology within a ten-year span in the 20th century compared to the 15th century. The above prompt regarding technology uses the phrase "underdeveloped areas of the world" in a rather vague manor. However, the phrase can be best defined as "third world countries" that are not as prosperous as larger and richer countries. At times, the introduction of modern technologies is indeed harmful to third world countries. A prime example is Nicaragua. Nicaragua is listed as the 3rd poorest country in the world having an estimated 100,000 homeless and even more jobless. Because the country's economic poverty, politians typically come from wealthy background due to the high cost of campaigning. Such is the case with the country's 81st president Arnoldo Alemen who was born in a family of bankers and investers. Five years into his presidency, Arnoldo Aleman was charged with embezzlement and money laundering of the 100 million dollars of government treasury money. It was reported that he used the Internet to track money and place funds into bank accounts worldwide. By stealing such huge amounts of money, Nicaragua has never been the same because citizens are now extremely cautious about who they vote for during elections. The result is many citizens not bothering to vote. In this case, the advancement of the Internet was harmful to Nicaragua.

 

However, technology is not always harmful. Take the Twitter Revolution in Iran for example. During the country's elections in 2009, reports surfaced that the election was rigged. Citizens began to protest in the streets and because of Iran's strict rules of press coverage, the main source of reporting the new was Twitter. In fact, Twitter was so important in the delevlopment of news in Iran that the US congress even asked Twitter to delay a upgrade to their system in order to allow updates from Iran's riots to continue. In this case, the Internet was not harmful to Iran; rather it was useful.

 

So a distinct line can be drawn between when technology is harmful and when it is helpful. When technology is used as a method of furthering the betterment of the country as a whole, technology is indeed helpful. However, when technology is used to further the betterment of an individual, technology is harmful.

[PastaInhaler]

No problem.

 

What is your source for the 40% of MCAT writers getting a Q or higher? According to Kaplan, a Q is in the 91.0-95.9th percentile. According to TPR, a Q is in the 81st percentile. According to the AAMC, in 2008, only 33.4% of the test takers scored a Q or above.

 

https://www.aamc.org/students/download/85332/data/combined08.pdf

 

But, even if you are right, and I am wrong, you must also consider a type of "reporting bias", or in this case, a "reporting in for help" bias. What this means is that the people who need help will more likely post essays to get feedback so that they can improve. Someone who normally writes well may only post one essay, get a really high score, and not be heard from again because they know that they are good writers and will likely score well. If you don't believe me, look at the people who scored the R and S, they have already disappeared, and likely I won't be hearing from them again. However, some high scoring essays may pop up again sometime near another popular MCAT administration date, like July 16th, or at the beginning of September when some good writers may want some last minute feedback before they take the MCAT.

 

Perhaps some more clarification of my grading is in order. I don't like giving out low scores because they may be seen as an insult, even though they are not. It just means the essay writer needs to improve on his/her skills -and I want them to improve. More to the point, you may have some friends who read your essays, or family, and they may give you a higher score than you ought to receive. They do this because they are being nice to you. My statements were meant to address this. I won't just give out high scores just to be nice, but I will give out high scores if it is deserved. When there is an essay that does deserve a high score, I will definitely give it. This is addressed here:

 

"However, I won't be aversed to giving out super-high grades if it is warranted. There were two or three really good essays that I have graded so far, and they deserve the scores I gave."

 

So basically, I do give out high scores, and not because I need to meet some quota in order to appeal to the statistics. The statistics are wrong if you want to apply them in this thread because it is not truly representative of the actual population that is registered to take the MCAT. Some of the high-scoring writers may not be spending a lot of time here, they may be doing other things, or they may feel that their essay writing is strong enough (which is correct), that they don't need extra feedback. I will give a high-score if the essay deserves it. I will fix the first post to avoid further confusion. Thanks for addressing this point. In my essay grading, my aims are to be fair, and objective.

 

Thank you for your response; it's much more elaborate than what I had in mind

 

My primary concern was one which you addressed in the first post: that you rarely give out high scores. I looked through some of the most recent pages, and I've rarely seen you award a Q or higher, even though about 40% of MCAT writers get a Q or higher on the live exam. Ultimately, I just don't want to be enticed into over-preparing for the writing sample if I was going to meet my goals anyway, and could have spent more time on the other sections.

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way though. I think you're providing a great service.

[PastaInhaler]

As an example to illustrate my grading, I believe that if an AAMC reader graded a bunch of essays, and gave 20 of those essays an S, my scores for those "S" essays might be:

 

1. S

2. S

3. T

4. S

5. R

6. S

7. R

8. S

9. S

10. S

11. S

12. S

13. T

14. S

15. S

16. T

17. S

18. Q (possible fluke or outlier, maybe the AAMC grader scored too high due to personal reasons, or I scored wrong altogether; flukes do happen, and a third grader will be called in-usually a senior grader)

19. S

20. S

 

Remember, the AAMC grader could be accurate, but not always. This is true because there are known discrepancies from one grader to the next. If there is too much of a discrepancy, the AAMC will call in a third grader. The AAMC has set provisions for discrepancies because they do occur, sometimes frequently, sometimes less frequently. I am human so I may not be perfect, and so is one of the AAMC graders, so there could be discrepancies there too.

[Jamone]

I certainly agree that "reporting bias" is likely one of the most important factors at play here. I got the 40% figure from MCAT THx, which reported the percentile for my P from last year as 53-62, from which I derived that 38% of MCAT writers scored higher than P. However, it is true that if someone was already an excellent writer, they would be less likely to post in this thread for feedback. It is also true that their is natural variability in how graders might score an essay, or how writers perform with different prompts (some of my peers have had odd changes in writing scores between MCATs, for no apparent reason e.g. S->P, Q->N, N->Q)

 

At any rate, if I do some practice essays and want feedback later, I will likely post in this thread, since I consider your service to be the best available and it is free.

[PastaInhaler]

I certainly agree that "reporting bias" is likely one of the most important factors at play here. I got the 40% figure from MCAT THx, which reported the percentile for my P from last year as 53-62, from which I derived that 38% of MCAT writers scored higher than P. However, it is true that if someone was already an excellent writer, they would be less likely to post in this thread for feedback. It is also true that their is natural variability in how graders might score an essay, or how writers perform with different prompts (some of my peers have had odd changes in writing scores between MCATs, for no apparent reason e.g. S->P, Q->N, N->Q)

 

At any rate, if I do some practice essays and want feedback later, I will likely post in this thread, since I consider your service to be the best available and it is free.

 

I'm glad we're in agreement.

 

P is an excellent grade. It is enough to be accepted to the majority of schools in Canada. Thumbs up for that.

 

Despite getting an excellent mark, you must not let your guard down, and you have to put forth effort into preparing for the Writing Sample. Most people only reserve a small amount of their MCAT study time for the Writing Sample. For this reason, you may find some strange score fluctuations from exam to exam such as S->P, or Q->N. The main factor that explains these fluctuations is the lack of a database. Creating a database can take a long time, and some test takers feel that this time is better spent reviewing physiology, organic chemistry, or electricity and magnetism. The essay prompts vary across categories and topics from test to test. So it may be possible that your peers were given prompts that they were very comfortable with, and subsequently given prompts in categories that were outside of their comfort zone and regular knowledge base.

 

You are more than welcome to submit essays for grading and feedback. Also, you can try your hand at some of the public drills, exercises, and challenges in the Guild of the Quill thread. Remember that it is possible that your Writing Sample score could be lowered on the next MCAT. Do not let this happen. Protect your score at all costs. I'm rooting for you all.

[PastaInhaler]

Btw, if you want, I can post feedback, but I will put the corresponding letter grade in a light yellow colour (highlight to see text), that way you can ignore it easily, and focus on just the written notes and feedback. The grading itself can still have a lot of value for the members viewing this thread when comparing estimated scores to the essay content and style.

 

I feel this essay will be score a(n):

J K L M N O P Q R ((S)) T (<---highlight to see the grade)

[PastaInhaler]

Then why dont you just ignore it?

 

That is a good point. I can post the score in a different colour(<---highlight to see), so that the score I assign can easily be ignored. This is the best compromise since others viewing can read the essay and see the score so that they have an idea of where they stand, and where they need to improve.

 

JKLMNOPQRS((T))(<---highlight to see)

[Genemo]

That is a good point. I can post the score in a different colour(<---highlight to see), so that the score I assign can easily be ignored. This is the best compromise since others viewing can read the essay and see the score so that they have an idea of where they stand, and where they need to improve.

 

JKLMNOPQRS((T))(<---highlight to see)

 

Ha, this is pretty cool~

[PastaInhaler]

-clicked!-

(thank you! )

 

We must obey not only the laws of which we approve, but also those of which we may not approve.

 

Humanity owes a big thank-you for the existence of laws; with them, world is less of a chaos than what it was before. As humanity is capable of thinking and judgment, a coherent approval in regards to certain laws do not exist. Laws are defined as the set of rules in which one is expected to abide to. As citizens of a nation, however, individuals are asked to obey the laws regardless of their own opinion for the good of a country. For example, in Manitoba, Canada, there was a new regulation introduced to the tobacco businesses including big-box stores such as Superstore and Safeway, to cover up the tobacco products manually. The owners were forced to hide the tobacco products behind a curtain or anything that disguised them from the sight of the customers. The reason being was that seeing tobacco products may stimulate the customers into buying them. And this law was introduced to protect the health of many Manitoba residents. Many customers did not find the law suitable, nor did the owners of businesses as they had to spend extra expenses and explain to customers about the new regulation. Most smokers did not quit smoking just because the products were hidden behind a curtain; and business owners were the first to know that the law had no effect. And yet, they were to abide the law as it was imposed by the Manitoban government. This shows an example of how citizens should abide the laws regardless of their own opinions about them.

 

On the other hand, there are circumstances where the laws that are not approved by citizens are to be not obeyed. For example, in the year of 1970s, Republic of Korea - now commonly known as South Korea - was under the control of a military-based dictatorship. The rights of many individuals were not protected. Mainly, those who were considered as a threat to the ruler were tortured. People were not allowed to express their criticism against the ruling government. Young adults at the time, many of them enrolled in universities, certainly did not approve of all the restrictions that the dictator listed. Soon, they began a revolt of a century against the dictatorship. They fought for their rights to obtain a democracy in South Korea; and after a bloody revolt, South Korea was able to gain democracy that continues until this moment. South Koreans at the time, led by young adults, did not approve of the laws set forth by a dictator and of course did not obey them. However, due to their action, the country was able to enter the era of democracy and the rights of those oppressed by the government were protected.

 

What determines whether people should obey the law, regardless of its worthwhile, is the effect of the law on individuals’ rights. If the law does not impose an immediate threat to an individual’s basic rights, then the law is to be obeyed. For example, being asked to hid the tobacco products behind a curtain in a grocery store do not violate any human rights. And the business owners are to abide the law. However, when the law poses a danger to rights of an individual, citizens do not have a responsibility to abide such laws. People of South Korea at the 1970s did not approve the ruling of a dictator and many laws that suppressed individuals’ rights. They did not obey them, of course; they rather revolted against them to gain democracy and their rights. Thus, the impact on individual’s basic human rights should be a determining factor as to whether people should be obeying certain laws or not.

 

You're welcome, thanks for clicking.

 

Adequate control of language, with some grammatical or usage problem.

Ideas are somewhat developed.

Tasks are adequately responded to. However, task#1 may benefit from justification of the prompt. What I mean is, can you provide the reasoning, or the logic behind obeying a law even if you disagree with it? Why do people obey the traffic laws, speeding, etc...? What happens if you break traffic laws? What could happen? It is out of fear. Fear of repercussions, and people obey the laws because it is in their best interests to avoid tickets and the like.

 

Task#2 may be considered complete or incomplete by different graders. I feel that task#2's example was weak. The reason being you failed to show a law that was not approved by someone or some group, and how it was justifiably broken. Is revolting illegal? You have to establish this. If not, take a different angle in which something was illegal and the revolters did it anyway, but show they were justified in doing so.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLMNOPQRST

[pantheraonca]

-clicked-

 

thanks for doing this, you rock

 

 

Education comes not from books but from practical experience

 

What is education? It can be said that education is a learning process that has the goal of providing enlightenment and a greater understanding of the world to an individual. An understanding of the world may be achieved by being a part of the world and experiencing it. By participating in the activities of society, one can get a grasp of how individuals within a society interact, the societal norms, and why they exist, and how one can communicate with others in the world and find his or her own place in it. This understanding of the world based on those around us can help us integrate ourselves better into society, and thus this practical education is critical for understanding the world and how we all fit into it. Take the case of Genie, a commonly cited case in the world of psychology. Genie was a girl, who from a young age, was confined to a single room by her father, tied to a chair, and denied any social interaction for the early years of her life. Even after her Genie was discovered by authorities and placed in foster care, she was unable to communicate properly. Due to the lack of practical world experience in her early life, even rigorous attempts to teach her could not help her with language acquisition, and for the remainder of her life, she remained unable to communicate effectively. This example shows how a lack of practical experience denied Genie the education required to get a firm grasp on effectively communicating with others and being a part of society.

 

On the other hand, there are times when book learning is also necessary for education. For example, a psychologist wishing to properly analyze and help a patient needs to draw on experiences out of his or her own life. As in the case of Genie, psychologists wishing to assist people cannot simply depend on their own life experiences to guide them. They require the background knowledge presented in literature so they can have all the information necessary to be able to sufficiently do their jobs. In such cases, without learning from books, an individual would not have the collective knowledge required to be an asset to society.

 

Thus, it can be concluded that education based on practical experiences is sufficient when it comes to socializing and integrating into society, but when it comes to performing jobs that require specific knowledge, book education is necessary. In the example of Genie, no amount of formal book education after her captivity could overcome the effects of a lack of 'personal experience' education for the first thirteen years of her life. However, for someone that need specific information to do a job, like a psychologist drawing on various theories and cases from the past, formal book learning is important.

[PastaInhaler]

-clicked!-

 

History is the record of humanity's wars.

Describe a specific situation in which history might be the record of something other than humanity's wars. Discuss what you think determines when history should be the record of humanity's wars and when it should be something else.

 

 

History is an account of historical events and serves different purposes depending on the type of event. History may be a record of humanity’s wars when it serves to remind us of those who fought for their countries and the changes that took place but history may also be an account of scientific discoveries when its purpose is to inspire further developments and research.

 

Historical records of humanity’s wars are in places such as documentaries on television and textbooks. They remind us of those who fought in war, the sacrifices they made in honour of their countries, and the tragic changes that took place following the war. For example, one of the greatest wars in history includes World War I, which began in 1914 and finally ended on November 11th, 1918. To this day, we are still reminded of the aftermath following the war such as the tremendous loss of life and destruction of communities. In fact, we designate November 11th as Remembrance Day to remember the lives lost, the blood spilt, and the end to the war.

 

On the other hand, when history is an account of scientific discoveries, its purpose is to educate us on the technological advancements scientists have made and inspire those in research to continue with this type of momentum. For example, the discovery of Insulin by Banting and Best at the University of Toronto in the 1900s serves to tell us how the remedy for Type I Diabetes (and more or less, Type II Diabetes) had been discovered and isolated. Insulin therapy has increased the life expectancy of many type I diabetics since its discovery; without insulin, their bodies would have been incapable of using glucose and therefore, starved to death literally. Banting and Best had sparked the hope that there would someday be a cure to Type I Diabetes and provided a starting point for related research. For example, may other developments have been made since the discovery and isolation of insulin; we now have blood glucose monitors that can indicate a patient’s blood sugar level and different insulin types (long-acting and short-acting) used to manage diabetes. Records of scientific discoveries have provided us with a better understanding of the routes we took to advance to today’s technology and inspired scientists to continue to search for answers to their questions.

 

Historical records detail many things. Whether it is a record of humanity’s wars or scientific discoveries will depend on the purpose they serve. To remind us of how our nations developed, they are records of humanity’s wars. To enhance learning and inspire research, they are scientific discoveries.

 

Thanks for clicking.

 

You will need to elaborate more on the definition of 'history.' It is an account of past events in the human record, major defining points and pivotal events for humanity. They may guide future human activities and where human society heads, it has implications on economics, art, culture. You must establish strong and thorough definition for history for this particular prompt since the rest of the essay will depend on it, more so than other prompts.

 

But, it must be understood that history records events, and it doesn't choose them. This is implied by your response to task#3. You will need to take a different approach to task#3. When does history record World War II, or the discoveries of Drs. Banting and Best?

 

There were some issues with grammar and mechanics. The writing was mostly coherent, demonstrating some clarity at times.

Task#1 and #3 are not sufficiently responded to. You have to take a stronger and more one sided stance in task#1. You refute that idea in task#2, and resolve it in task#3.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKL/MNOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

-clicked-

 

A successful politician resembles the ordinary citizen.

 

A politicians success is measured by his/her ability to meet the needs of the citizens and provide solutions to their problems. Evidently, an elitist and superior position will not place the politician in a favourable place because he/she has to have an understanding of the struggles and difficulties people go through. He/she must be able to speak their langauge of every day life, and understand their struggles on a deep level in order to be able to find effective and strategic solutions. Being of a higher social class can be argued to create a barrier that excludes a politician from the majority of people as he/she will not have sufficient exposure to represent a group to whom he/she never belonged. On the other hand, being "one of the common people" and resembling their life in its various aspects undoubtedly grants the politician easier means to success. For example, Barak Obama's popularity and success came from the fact that people could relate to him. The majority of the population saw the potential in Obama by virtue of his self-presentation as the ordinary "caring father", "loving husband", and "good basketball player". Having started his term on such strong basis of raport with his constituients is definitely going to play a positive role in his reception in the future, and thus, his success as a politician.

 

Although such resemblance of the ordinary citizens a means "seeing the world from their perspective", there is no doubt that success in politics requires a differentiating factor that makes the individual a suitable leader to begin with. Education, experience, wisdom, and charisma are all factors in a politician's success, all of which are rarely characteristics of ordinary citizens. This is also evident in the case of Barak Obama. Despite the fact that his political career is still in its infancy, his success manifested itself by his ability to distinguish himself from other candidates (much less from ordinary citizens) as the smarter, the more reasonable, the wiser, the more likely one to bring the long-awaited "change" to America.

 

Thus, the successful politician resembles the ordinary citizens in so much to meet their needs and understand their struggles, while differing from them in matters that requires the wisdom of a leader is in fact a required and desirable trait in a successful political leader. In fact, this difference does not suggest a level of alienation; it rather promotes a successful position from which a leader sees the struggles and problems faced by the population by virtue of his resemblance to them, and at the same time, he is able to propose meaningful and potential solutions based on his experience, knowledge, and wisdom as a leader. It is this binary vision that truely distinguishes a successful and intelligent politician from other politicians or other citizens for that matter.

 

-------------------------------------------

THANK YOU!

 

 

You're welcome, thanks for clicking.

 

Adequate control of language, with some grammatical or usage problem.

Ideas are somewhat developed.

Tasks are adequately responded to, although there were problems with task#2 and task#3, and there was a lack of coherence and clarity of thought in the final paragraph for task#3.

 

It highly recommended that you do not use the same example to argue one side of the essay, and then use the same example to argue the opposing view point. This creates a lot of internal conflict in the essay, and will weaken the essay drastically. It also makes it harder to reconcile the two opposing viewpoints because there is already so much tension. This will make task#3 that much harder to complete. Task#3 was not properly addressed because of this. You will need a clear criteria that shows when a politician is successful when he resembles the ordinary citizen, and when a policitian can be successful when he does not resemble the ordinary citizen. Can you think of an example when a politician does not resemble an ordinary citizen? Think of extreme external situations, such as a war, a major sociopolitical or socioeconomical event, and frame your essay around that. Then think about what happens when you keep the politician's behaviour the same, and remove the major event, will he still be as effective then? If not, try to pick out a different major event and try this test again.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKL/MNOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

The public's right to information should override the government's need for security.

 

 

Democracy relies on the public’s right to information. Without enough information and knowledge, voters can hardly make good decisions or choose their best political representatives. Thus, in a democratic country, the government is responsible to release as much information as possible to keep the public informed, for the society to function smoothly. Failing to release enough information, a government may lose their reliability and risk serious social problems. Such examples are plenty in countries in China, where the government keep all the information confidential and make political decisions in their secret conference room. Citizens have no access to the information which political decisions are made out of, and this allows rumors to spread. When the 9.0 earthquake happened in Japan in the March of 2011, a rumor was spreading in Chinese that salt contains high level of iridium and could prevent radiation. In a matter of days, salt in all markets were purchased despite the government’s effort on educating the public that no evidence has shown iridium in salt could prevent radiation. The rumor turned out to be created by some salt seller with commercial purpose. It illustrates how a government failing to reveal enough information to citizens may lose citizens’ trust so that such ridiculous rumor could spread in the public easily.

 

Although it is important for the public to have access to information, not all information should be released to general public, due to security concerns. Military technical information should be kept highly confidential in order to keep the country safe. Once released, such information does not benefit the public but could be taken used by hostile countries or terrorists and threaten the public safety. An example is the nuclear weapon technology. This information could potentially cause severe damage to a country and its citizens, and thus should be kept only within the government authorized agency. It is helpful to identify which countries possess this information and ensure this technology will not be abused to cause trouble on humankind. In this situation, public’s right to information should not override the government’s need for safety.

 

To determine when the public’s right to information should override the government’s need for safety or not, the information needs to be examined for its value in the public and its risk to cause problem. When the information is closely related to public concern, or is used for making political decision, it is important for the public to be aware of. Thus, the public’s right to information ought to be respected and sufficient information should be released for public education purpose. On the other hand, when the information is not so closely related to the public, but has a high risk to be abused to cause social problem, the information should be controlled and remain confidential. However, there are occasions that certain information is closely related to public concern while has a high risk to cause trouble. In this situation, the government could choose to release some general information for the public to know, while keep the details or vital part confidential. In this way, the government can balance the gain and the risk to maintain good public support and security.

 

Thank you. And I already clicked the website.

This essay was written under no time limit. Just want to see how well I could write given enough time. I think I wrote this in 40min or so.

 

You're welcome, thanks for clicking.

 

In the future, please put

 

-clicked-

 

at the beginning of your post before you post the prompt and essay to indicate you have clicked on the ripple.org site and the give panels/icons. It helps me when I scan posts for the -clicked- tag. Thanks.

 

There was adequate use of language, some grammatical errors.

Some ideas are developed, and there was some evidence of coherence.

For task#1, you may need to touch on the relationship of information release and security. As well, the first example does not fully match the prompt. The example should cover how information should not be withheld from the public, and how this is desired. But, your example showed that despite the government making effort to inform the public, a desireable outcome was still not found. You will need to choose a different example where the right to information is satisfied, and has a beneficial or positive effect.

There was a little more difficulty in the opening paragraph since it creates an essay under the scope of democracy. Then the essay moves directly into an example with a country that is not under a democratic government, but a communist government. This may create some tension and confusion in the essay when you are trying to fit noncompatible ideas together.

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLMNOPQRST

[Asta]

-clicked- (lots of times )

 

 

A democratic government is never justified in keeping secrets from the voting public.

Describe a specific situation in which the government of a democracy might be justified in keeping a secret from the voters. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a democratic government is justified in keeping secrets from the voters.

 

In a democracy, the government is is granted power by the voting public. As such, the public has a right to be included in the decisions that the government makes and to be privy to the knowledge that the government has. In Canada, members of the public can be present at the parliamentary sessions of the federal and provincial governments. All aspects of the federal budget are public knowledge. Indeed, whenever evidence of a government secret comes to light, there is a great public outcry. In recent years, the Liberal Party of Canada was found to have dishonestly allocated funding in a scheme known as the sponsorship scandal. When this secret was made revealed, the public was outraged. This sponsorship scandal violated the widely held belief that democratically elected governments are to be accountable to the public, and as such are never justified in keeping secrets.

 

However, at times the public interest is best served when the government hides certain decisions and operations. Many aspects of military strategy are kept secret from non-military personel. Indeed, if the fine details of these military operations were public knowledge, the operation would unlikely to succeed and many lives could be lost. In World War II, both the Axis and the Allied forces kept many secrets from each other. This was partially accomplished by keeping keeping secrets from their respective civilian populations. The Manhattan Project was the official name of the nuclear weapons program of the Allied forces. In order to have a tactical advantage and to hopefully end the war, the details of the Manhattan Project had to be kept from the Axis forces at all costs. As such, the Manhattan Project was kept secret by the government from it's citizens. This deception was in the best interest of the government and the citizens. The Manhattan Project led to the successful development of the atomic bomb. The dropping of the atomic bomb effectively ended the deadly war and prevented further bloodshed.

 

Indeed, there are some situations in which the government is justified in keeping secrets from the public. However, since democratic governments are granted their powers by the voting public, the government should be open and honest as often as possible. To determine if secrecy can be justified, costs and benefits should be weighed in terms of public interest. If the public is best served through secrecy, as was the case in WWII, then secrecy can be justified. Government secrecy can be most justified in instances of compromised national security. At war time, the government has much more leeway to keep secrets. In contrast, during times of peace, the government is obligated to be transparent with the voting public.

 

 

 

Thanks for this, I really appreciate the help! I really hope this is an improvement on the previous work I have posted. This is my 10th practice essay.

[Grey's Anatomy]

-clicked-

 

Thanks for your help! Greatly appreciate your time!

 

 

To master technology is to become enslaved by it.

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which mastering a new technology might not mean becoming enslaved by it. Discuss what you think determines whether or not mastering technology means becoming enslaved by it.

 

Our world has experienced significant technological advances in the 20th and 21st centuries. Technology not only enables us to perform tasks with greater efficiency and accuracy, but also allows us to achieve ideas that were considered impossible only a few decades ago. The Information Age is marked by the use of technology to communicate with one another and to access and share information. Many children today grow up learning to manipulate simple technological devices, becoming dependent on or enslaved by their use in order to accomplish daily tasks. Moreover, many jobs cannot be performed without the use of technology, which is particularly significant in medicine. Health care providers use various forms of scans to image the inner workings of the body for diagnostic purposes. Additionally, recent research is exploring the use of minimally-invasive technologies in surgeries to reduce post-surgical trauma on the patient. Technology in this case is a pivotal tool utilized in professions and is considered a necessity that enhances the quality of our lives. Our reliance on the use of advanced technology to perform some jobs can be deemed becoming enslaved by it.

 

Although mastering and using technology can often mean becoming enslaved by it, there are instances in which a new technology may not dominate how we live our lives. In 2010, Microsoft developed a controller-free gaming and entertainment experience for the Xbox 360 video game platform called Kinect. It has become very popular among children and teens, as it not only provides entertainment in video games but also promotes exercise and physical activity. The importance and contributions of this technology notwithstanding, its use is not a necessity and thus we are not enslaved by it. In other words, the use of this technology does not dictate how we live our lives, as there are many alternatives to the technology. For instance, many people prefer the outdoors despite having the ability to engage in a simulated gaming environment at home. As a result, the advent of some technology may enhance our lives but does not become a necessity for living our daily lives.

 

The world has witnessed significant advances in technology in the past few decades. Some technology is invented in response to an absolute need, and thus affects how we live our lives. For instance, the use of medical technology has become a vital part of health care, and its use is crucial for improving the quality of lives of individuals. As such, some forms of technology not only enhance but also become an integral part of our lives. Consequently, our dependence on its mastery and use becomes in essence, involuntary. On the other hand, many forms of technology simply enhance our lives and do not become a necessity in order to perform our daily tasks, such as the use of Kinect for an entertainment experience. Hence, the use of such form of technology is in essence, voluntary. We can live our lives without it, and not be affected by it significantly. As a result, whether or not we become enslaved by technology depends on if its use may be considered voluntary or involuntary.

[numero0121407]

Is it just me or do the examples provided on the AAMC website as sample 6/6 essays not follow the 3 paragraphs format? They seem to be awarding a 6/6 to someone who starts with a brief intro then has 4 paragraphs developing the issues, often with more than one example for each task. I am so confuseddd??????

[pacemaker]

-Clicked-

 

Thanks PastaInhaler for grading my other essays! I really appreciate the help.

 

Here is another one:

 

It is never justified for a citizen to break the law.

 

Laws are designed to protect the rights of others by imposing restrictions on ones’ actions. Laws are created while keeping the citizen’s viewpoints in mind. As such, they reflect what a majority of people in society would prefer. The term citizen refers to individuals who belong to a group. This could be a group of individuals on an international, national, provincial or municipal level. As humans, we can be considered as citizens of the global community. At the same time, we can also be citizens of a given country, province/state or city/town. As citizens, we have certain priviledges and resposibilities. One such responsibility is to obey the law and to respect the rights of others. Therefore, it is not right for a citizen to break the law from a moral, ethical or legal standpoint. When someone breaks the law, it has the potential to harm that person or another citizen. At the same time, if that citizen is not adequately punished, it may set a bad example for others, further triggering others to try to break the law. For example, as citizens, we have the right to work in a given nation. If an individual decides to exercise that right and makes attempts to earn a living, the law of most countries including Canada and the United States requires that individual to file an income tax return. The individual is required to claim the income that he/she earned and to pay their due for the income tax. In Canada, this money is then used to fund the public education and health care systems among many others. Therefore, by following the law and paying ones’ share of the income tax, we as citizens can ensure that essential services such as education and health care are available to everyone. This will to lead to benefits for all citizens as a collective whole.

 

On the other hand, it is not always unjust for a citizen to break the law. More specifically, it depends on the context in which the law was broken, the reasons behind it and the potential of harm or costs to others. For example, it a man is driving his pregnant wife to the hospital while she is in labor, it is justified for the man to drive at a faster speed and break the driving law. If this man is not able to get his wife to the hospital in time, it may lead to harm to his wife or the baby or both. Therefore, it is highly important to look at a comparison between the harm caused by either obeying or breaking the law in a given situation.

 

Finally, laws are designed to ensure the benefits and safety of all citizens of a given nation. As citizens of a country, it is our responsibility to follow the law and by doing so, we show respect for the rights of other citizens. Generally speaking, obeying the law is expected to lead to benefits and safety of the collective whole in the long run. However, whether or not it is justified for one to break the law highly depends on the context, reasons for breaking the law and harm/costs incurred by breaking the law. If the law is broken to benefit another citizen, under good intentions and the harm/costs of obeying the law would have been greater than breaking it in a given context, it may be justified for one to break the law.

 

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- In your comments on my other essays thus far, you mentioned that there were some grammatical mistakes etc...do you mind pointing out a few either on this one or the previous ones I had posted. I would like to know what kind of mistakes I am making so that I can avoid them in the future. I do know that I have a tendency to used run on sentences and I am working on that. Any other things you could point out would be great.

 

Thanks!

[llsoftll]

-clicked!-

 

Television almost always distorts the way we see the world.

 

A television is occasionally called as a “fool-making box”, meaning that watching television makes someone foolish. The statement is sometimes held true. Media influence via television may distort an individual’s opinions about certain matters. Distortion is defined as a deviation from the general opinion across the world. For example, in North Korea, propaganda regime continues to have successful effects on its people. Although the lifestyles of common North Koreans are not exactly known, North Korea is said to have its own television channels that it utilizes to convey messages to many North Koreans. Kim Jong-ll is almost defined as a god-like figure in North Korea. The enemies of North Korea are depicted as cruel, threatening, and those who pose an immediate threat to their survival. In turn, people of North Korea seek support from its leader Kim Jong-ll. While the rest of the world sees Kim as a dictator who is in turn, imposing threats to its people through continued famine while he enjoys a high-class luxury. Media effect, mainly via television in North Korea, can cause a great difference in people’s opinion about their situation.

 

In contrast, television influence may not necessarily distort one’s opinion. An example would be the massive earthquake in Japan that caused the country to be under a great sadness and despair. As the earthquake hit Japan, many medias across the world were reporting the news as breaking and urgent. When general public heard the news, many were worried, and were praying for Japan as a whole. They already had sympathizing emotions and worrying thoughts. Continued reports of Japan earthquake crisis only augmented their sympathizing thoughts about such a devastating event. All the eyes of the world were turned to Japan and many monetary and emotional supports were passed onto Japan. Television did not change people’s opinion, but rather enforced it.

 

The determining factor of whether television would distort an individual’s opinion about a certain matter is the understanding of the matter beforehand. As an individual does not have enough knowledge about the matter, then he/she could be easily swayed and their view could be distorted. For example, North Koreans are not exposed to how the outside world operates. It makes them vulnerable to the propaganda regime that North Korea practices on its people, mainly via television channels; distorting their opinion to be polar from those of the people outside North Korea. However, when people have enough previous knowledge, then television does not necessarily distort the way they think. The earthquake crisis in Japan was treated as breaking news and the progresses were reported via television across the world. People knew about environmental disasters; this earthquake was not the first that people experienced, directly or indirectly. Because people had an idea of what it is to experience such a devastating event, the televisions were not able to distort the public’s opinion.

 

 

 

THANK YOU!!

[mangos]

dont' wanan start a new thread just for this so i thought id put it here since it is about the WS

 

i got this prompt "The object of education should be to teach skills not values"

 

im stuck on task 3. personally, i believe education should be comprised of teaching both skills and values.

 

any ideas as to when it should be just only skills and when it should only be values?

 

thanks

[BehindTheWheel]

-clicked-

 

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The introduction of modern technologies is harmful to underdeveloped areas of the world.

Describe a specific situation in which the introduction of modern technologies might not be harmful to an underdeveloped area of the world. Discuss what you think determines whether or not the introduction of modern technologies is harmful to underdeveloped areas of the world.

 

Countries witch suffer from economical weakness and low standards of living are often said to be underdeveloped. Economical strength is directly correlated with a country’s gross domestic product (GDP), a value of goods and services produced by a country. Countries with large GDP are said to be economically strong and subsequently developed. When new technologies are introduced in countries that are said to be underdeveloped these technologies can further cripple the economy by decreasing the national GDP. This is perfectly exemplified by the introduction of modern oil drilling equipment by American companies to economically inferior South American nations. These American companies purchased significant shares of South American oil companies and introduced new technologies in order to increase the yield of oil. Although, this had a positive effect on the American economy, by creating new jobs and increasing the value of their shares, this had a crippling effect on the host nation. By producing their technology in the United States, the American companies have taken away jobs from the locals, who could have potentially manufactured this equipment at home. The companies have also brought their own personnel from the United States to manage and service the new equipment. This increased the national unemployment rate of the host nation, which caused a decrease in spending power and demand for goods and services. Consequently, this caused local businesses to reduce the supply of their goods and services, reducing the overall national GDP.

 

There are instances when modern equipment that is introduced to underdeveloped nations cannot have a harmful effect. For instance in recent years the introduction of cell phones to African nations has had a positive effect on the GDP of these countries. Although cell phones are imported to Africa by other nations they provide people with increased capacity to engage in various types of businesses. In Niger, farmers utilize cell phones in order to find the best prices and highest demand for their goods. This allows farmers to bring their products where there is most demand and subsequently where farmers could gain the highest profit. As a result, the introduction of cell phone technology has contributed to the increase in nation GDP and strengthened Niger’s economy.

 

In order to determine whether modern technologies have a negative effect on the underdeveloped nation its important to establish what affect this technology has on the national GDP. Since underdeveloped nations already struggle economically and have lower GDP than developed nations, a new technology that could potentially reduce the national GDP could be very destructive to the nation’s economy. On the contrary, if the new technology offers features that sustain or promote the nation GDP, harmful effects can be avoided.

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Thank you for your help! Do you by any chance offer any private tutoring (online or in person)? I read about the Guild, but it looks like there are already a lot of people who signed up for it...

[PastaInhaler]

Today's mobile society often loses in family and community ties what it gains in individual freedom.

Describe a specific situation in which mobility might enhance family or community ties. Discuss what you think determines which is more important to the individual--mobility, or maintaining family and community ties.

 

Nowadays, it is not rarely seen that young people leave their family in their twenties to work and live in a far away city. In a city like Richmond in British Columbia, more than 30% of the population are immigrants, and many of them moved to Canada in their young age, leaving their family in the home country. In today’s mobile society, it takes several hours to drive between cities, or to travel between countries by plane, and this allows plenty room for individual freedom. Thousands of years ago, there were ancient Chinese poems describing travelling as life time events. Meeting friends living in a far away city was a huge event, and travelers returning home could be celebrated more than a traditional festival. But now, people could choose to move to a different city or a different country as long as they wish to, and could still visit their family quite often. Obviously we enjoy our freedom and we love sharing travel photos on Facebook to show off our freedom.

 

At the same time, we spend less time with our family and community. And it not wrong to say we tend to lose in family and community ties, if the ties are defined as the time we spend on them. However, time is not the only factor considering family and community ties. Feelings also matter. It is very common to see kids fighting with their parents when they live at home, complaining their loss of freedom. But when kids grow up and leave the family, they start missing those days they spent with their parents. It is also common to hear people complaining about their country and social life, but actually start missing their homeland once they step on foreign lands. Today’s mobile society, although reduces our time spending with family and community, allows us to have various experiences, and allows us to have the chance to really think about what family and community means to us. In this sense, we only feel the importance of family and community ties when we travel around.

 

We all want freedom, and we all want family and community. When we have limited time and limited options, we have to balance between them. Obviously, most people have eventually chosen freedom and mobility over family and community, and there is a good reason for that. Mobility provides not only freedom but various experiences for one to learn from the world. Local opportunities tend to be limited and mobility also provides the chance for us to develop our future and to realize our dreams. Fulfilling one’s dream is on the top of human desire and everyone would pursue it naturally. On the other hand, it is not impossible to be mobile while still keep the family tie. With the development of modern technology, we could talk to our family over the phone, see them on the computer camera and visit them several times a year. Although we may need to sacrifice the time spending with our family, each visit becomes more meaningful and valuable. With diverse experience, we better understand what family and community mean to us, which actually strength our emotional ties to them. Thus, it is a wise decision to choose to be mobile, to enjoy one’s freedom, to develop one’s career while still maintain an adequate contact with one’s family and community.

 

 

Thank you! I clicked on the website.

This one is written under time limit however I feel this topic is easy to write and I think my general writing is weaker than this one.

 

You're welcome, thanks for clicking.

 

In the future, please put

 

-clicked-

 

at the beginning of your post before you post the prompt and essay to indicate you have clicked on the ripple.org site and the give panels/icons. It helps me when I scan posts for the -clicked- tag. Thanks.

 

Some issues with coherence and focus. Ideas were somewhat developed.

 

Tasks#2 and #3 were not adequately completed.

The counter example was not clear. It did not seem to demonstrate how mobility enhances family ties. You may need to clarify this further. Also, some important terms in which your essay depends on were not clearly explained. You will need to give the reader a sense of what you think "individual freedom" and "family/community ties" are.

 

Also, in your final paragraph, task#3 was not appropriately addressed.

 

This task:

Discuss what you think determines which is more important to the individual--mobility, or maintaining family and community ties.

was not completed. What is the criteria that determines what is more important. When does someone care more about family ties, and when does he/she care more about mobility?

 

I feel this essay will be scored an:

JKLMNOPQRST

[PastaInhaler]

Is it just me or do the examples provided on the AAMC website as sample 6/6 essays not follow the 3 paragraphs format? They seem to be awarding a 6/6 to someone who starts with a brief intro then has 4 paragraphs developing the issues, often with more than one example for each task. I am so confuseddd??????

 

A level 6 essay, in my view, really shouldn't be completed in 3 paragraph. This goes against what other prep companies teach, so don't treat this as an absolute rule. In good writing, each paragraph should only encapsulate one major theme and one major idea. If there are too many ideas in a single paragraph, it just means that the writing is unfocussed which according to the AAMC is bad. The paragraphs will lose coherence, and the ideas will not hold together well if there is too much going on. Therefore, ideas could be spread out over additional paragraphs where they receive proper treatment and appropriate levels of explanation.

 

Usually, a stronger writer is able to handle more than one example for the first two tasks. If you are not used to doing so, I urge caution on three levels:

1) you may run out of time more quickly

2) ideas that you bring up in the examples may not be properly addressed, and fully explained, and it gives the grader more reason to dock marks (AAMC: Major ideas are undeveloped)

3) your examples, if not properly chosen, could provide room for loopholes in your logic, and easy counter-arguments, thereby weakening your essay

(under pressure, some writers will bring up examples loosely related to the prompt, but may have small- or medium-sized conflicts with an argument's logic)

 

Multiple examples are great only if you can use them properly. Otherwise, they can decrease your score if not used correctly.

[PastaInhaler]

dont' wanan start a new thread just for this so i thought id put it here since it is about the WS

 

i got this prompt "The object of education should be to teach skills not values"

 

im stuck on task 3. personally, i believe education should be comprised of teaching both skills and values.

 

any ideas as to when it should be just only skills and when it should only be values?

 

thanks

 

Before you start, you will need to establish definitions for:

1) education - what is this? does this mean high school? college?

2) skills - what's a skill?

3) values - what are values? who usually teaches values? do friends teach this? do high school teachers teach this? does your 'skills' teacher teach this?

 

What do each of these mean?

 

When is education correlated with skills? What type of school teaches skills?

When is education correlated with values? What type of school teaches values?

[lekarza]

dont' wanan start a new thread just for this so i thought id put it here since it is about the WS

 

i got this prompt "The object of education should be to teach skills not values"

 

im stuck on task 3. personally, i believe education should be comprised of teaching both skills and values.

 

any ideas as to when it should be just only skills and when it should only be values?

 

thanks

 

http://www.premed101.com/forums/showthread.php?t=52143&highlight=mcat+strategy

 

I would check out the link I posted above. It is of a youtube station that posts videos with various writing sample prompts with examples for each, which is a big help when your stuck on a synthesis. For this prompt he used:

 

children vs. adults

-the younger the student, the greater the emphasis on values rather than skills

-children enrolled in preschool are taught values that will help them become members of society and help them to function. These values are important to teach at a young age

-in contrast, young adults that attend post-secondary education have a set of values that have been developed while growing up

-most are not particularly interested in being taught values. They pay thousands of dollars a year in order to gain specialized knowledge and skills