A moral dilemma

[anxious_med]

I need help don't know if this is the right place for this kind of stuff or not but I shall give it a shot. Also a few weeks ago I posted a thread worrying failing out med school due to bad grades, well this event has definitely impacted me a great deal in a negative way! So for all you relationship experts please help!

 

First off I want to say that I am roman catholic but not really adhesive to the beliefs of premarital sex. My problem is that I have some doubtful thoughts about my relationship lately. I have had 2 girlfriends in the past and for both of them I held off sex because I didn't want to commit so fast and not sure if I met the right girl or not. About a year ago I met my current gf and we hit off really well and After about 1 month I just couldn't resist her and she couldn't resist me either then we had sex and ever since after that we have been having sex on a regular basis. Now please keep reading because this is just the start of my problem. So everything goes quite well between me and her met both of our parents even and they liked us both as a couple. So I thought this time this girl might be the one for me in my life and how great is it that I also gave my first time to her as well. We both enjoy each other a lot (especially sexually!). When we first had sex, we both said we were virgins, although she didn't bleed but as a medical student I am fully aware of all the other possibilities of breaking that hymen so I didn't suspect a thing. About 3 months later her ex-bf started txting her wanting to get back together with her and she told him to get lost every single time and one night she couldn't stand the harassment anymore (at this point I had not been aware of the harassment) so she handed me the phone I told the guy to eff off. Then follows a quiet week and one night my gf said that guy was back again saying that he had STD/HPV and she sounded quite worried. Later on we found out he is trying to sabotage our relationship as well as trying to maybe get her back for more free sex. Since I knew that HPV can be transmitted through kissing so I was still not suspicious of her being a virgin with me before. Then she forwarded me the harassment email from her ex and it says "while we had sex I had HPV and this disease is not curable blah blah blah". She said he is a lying pig so don't be sad to see the message. I started to have doubts and took her to a clinic to get her body checked up. While at the clinic she finally confessed that she did have intercourse with that guy before and lied to me many times in the past. This was a shocking news to me! I was devastated but she seemed so down and anxious I forgave her and stayed and comforted her in the past 2 months. We also got the police involved in this case since that guy is really a manipulative son of a biatch. He cheated on my gf multiple times while they were dating etc. My gf at first was really scared to face him in any way but after I got involved in it she became a lot braver and we talked a lot about this and we both went counselling.

 

But as time passes by I still have that patch of pain deep inside of me. First I couldn't completely forgive her for lying to me about her virginity, it's just a pain there. Every time I think about how innocent her face looked like when we were having sex and she says "be gentle sweetie I am still a virgin" makes me angry and doubtful about anything she says. She's only 19 when she lost her virginity to his ugly 30 year math post doc (no offense to math people but this guy looks like a weirdo and tries super hard with girls, I just can't even think about his ugly body on top of hers). Secondly, I had always wanted to marry someone of equal status (i.e. if I were a virgin then I would like her to be one as well if I were not then I could careless, I know this is stupid but I just couldn't get over it). Jesus I am so puzzled as to what to do right now since I could see myself marrying her in a year or two because we both felt right about each other but I don't want to marry someone with even a slight disatisfaction about let alone something huge like this. I can't talk to friends or family members so I hope this anonymous forum could give me some advice.

 

Thanks

Anxious about life!

[kylamonkey]

I don't hink you have time right now for a girlfriend, especially one causing drama and lying.

 

If you are concerned about failing out of med school, then that is your job.

[Renin]

I don't know the nature of her first relationship; but if this guy (her ex) is that manipulative, could it be possible she had meant that your relationship was the first time she had wanted sex? If he had forced/coerced her into it; then it is understandable how she would have reluctance about engaging in another sexual relationship.

 

Does this help?

[anxious_med]

I don't know the nature of her first relationship; but if this guy (her ex) is that manipulative, could it be possible she had meant that your relationship was the first time she had wanted sex? If he had forced/coerced her into it; then it is understandable how she would have reluctance about engaging in another sexual relationship.

 

Does this help?

 

She was not reluctant to engage in a sexual relationship with me. After asking her the same question you asked me, she said he acted very well in the first month then begged her over and over and said the only way to keep his love was to have sex with him and once she does then he will love her forever (how lame!) eventually she gave herself to him. So ya definitely moral coersion but no physical force for her first time. But after that first time he started to force her doing stuff she didn't want to do (i.e. keeping her in his house over night by forcing the door closed etc). He also pretty much brainwashed her for accepting him seeing girls 2 or 3 am in the morning! I was shocked when my gf said it's ok for me to see other girls at night if I need to or go out to have dinner with them as long as I don't have sex with them! I felt bad for her being so naive and that bastard completely brain washed her making her think it's ok to have relationships with other women while dating her as long as no sex is involved with other women. One time he was caught by my gf with another chic in his bedroom and a used condom lying around he told my gf that he wasn't having sex with the other girl he's afraid he might get her pregnant in the same room so he wore condom!

[mm88]

You might feel like you want to marry her now, because you're not past the "puppy love" stage of dating. I wouldn't compromise something important like graduating from med school because of someone that may soon (or eventually) vanish from your life. FOCUS ON SCHOOL.

 

My 2 cents: career >>>>> significant other. You can feed yourself with a good career, you might not be able to feed yourself anymore when she walks out with half your belongings + alimony.

 

(then again, I'm super jaded - several of my friends have recently gotten divorced/walked out on after whirlwind relationship/engagement/courtship. And it's all because they were "SOOOOOO IN LOVE" and "It just fell SOOOOO right". It's not pretty.)

[anxious_med]

DTMFA. You don't have time right now for a girlfriend, especially one causing drama and lying.

 

If you are concerned about failing out of med school, then that is your JOB. Do it.

 

If it were that easy then I wouldn't be so torn apart right now! I can honestly say she didn't lie to me about anything else. I have been Sherlock Holmes sensitive about the things she does and tells me after the lie. She's a sweet girl with a good heart. Takes good care of me (cooks for me too!). Now that she's moved in with me it is even harder for me to break up with her. I don't know if I can live without her or not. I am scared to dump her. I think I will suffer a great deal more if I broke up with her than trying to fix the relationship. But one is short term (break up and move on) and the other one is temporary fix and might come back and hound me in the future.

[anxious_med]

You might feel like you want to marry her now, because you're not past the "puppy love" stage of dating. I wouldn't compromise something important like graduating from med school because of someone that may soon (or eventually) vanish from your life. FOCUS ON SCHOOL.

 

My 2 cents: career >>>>> significant other. You can feed yourself with a good career, you might not be able to feed yourself anymore when she walks out with half your belongings + alimony.

 

(then again, I'm super jaded - several of my friends haven recently gotten divorced/walked out on after whirlwind relationship/engagement/courtship. And it's all because they were "SOOOOOO IN LOVE" and "It just fell SOOOOO right". It's not pretty.)

 

Absolutely, I would still put my career ahead of anything else at this stage of the game. I am only in my early 20s so I am not in a hurry to settle downrelationship wise. But I am scared to have missed the one. What if I can't meet anyone else as special as her? I have dated a few dozens of girls in the past none have made me feel so right

[Renin]

It sounds like she has had some rough breaks.

 

I think the best thing for both of you is to see a couple's councilor, if you are both open to it. There are definitely issues that you both need to talk out; and it may be easier with a mediator.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for staying by her side. A lot of guys would be like "f-this" and leave.

[future_doc]

You are being too judgmental and holier than thou for your own good, let alone what you are doing to her. You are n o better than that dbag with your attitude.

 

Let it go or let her go NOW. Nobody is perfect and that includes you. Its quite simple.

[PhoenixFlare500]

If the girl was lying to you for three months then you're right, you don't know what else she could lie to you about. I guess that could seem blunt but it's true. One of the things I value most in people in general is honesty so this would probably be a deal-breaker for me. You mentioned that you stayed with her because she was so down. She could start using that to her advantage, getting you to do things by saying she's sad. Taking it to the extreme she could eventually say if you break up with her she'll be all depressed, and either kill herself or hook up with her ex-boyfriend (as far as I know most girls aren't this crazy but I've had a bit of personal experience with some crazy).

 

Also now looking at your previous post, if these posts are indeed both true (must have high index of suspicion for trolls on the internet), then you really don't have the time to put up with this kinda crap. Lose the girl and get your marks back on track, and the rest of your life if needed.

[future_doc]

You atre thinking in technicolour and putting thoughts into his head that don't belong there, but to each their own. The OP has his own set of problems independent of this girl. They should confront in the open ALL issues and what will be, will be. She may decide to leave him when she knows whats going on in his head and that will solve the problem. They both have autonomy, independent judgment and are capable of independent decisions without our intervention by opinion or conjecture.

[mm88]

WARNING - HARSH COMMENTS FOLLOW.

 

Absolutely, I would still put my career ahead of anything else at this stage of the game. I am only in my early 20s so I am not in a hurry to settle downrelationship wise. But I am scared to have missed the one. What if I can't meet anyone else as special as her? I have dated a few dozens of girls in the past none have made me feel so right

 

You realize that what people are "into" also changes as they age, right? What you want in a woman at age 20, is not what you're going to want at age 30. From the sounds of it, she baby's you and plays a motherly role. That's fine and dandy when you're going to school and wanting lots of support. When you turn 30, are you going to want a mom? Or a mate? You may also just be feeding off each others hurt and sorrow and licking each others wounds. You're playing the role of the "mancho-man"/"protector" and it makes you feel good. But if this is so emotionally scarring to you now, what's to say it won't affect your relationship 2? 10? years down the road. Dishonesty is not a good foundation for a relationship, neither is wallowing in sorrow and hurt.

 

Further, I think you should also separate her as a person and her as an "ideal mate". Are you as "in love" with HER? or are you just in love with the IDEA of her ? Relationships suck, but sometimes, you just have to learn to walk away.

 

The guy I dated in first year of undergrad kept telling me it was "so right" and I was "the one". A few months after I dumped him, he was engaged to another girl. A year and a bit later, they were expecting their first child. Who you FEEL like is the one because of hormones and emotional attachment has nothing to do with who actually IS the one.

 

You mentioned you were RC in the original post. Now I have no idea what kind of relationship you have with God, but I'm going to assume like all good religious folks that you pray and talk to the primary deity, so have you prayed or asked God about his will in your life? Have you asked for support or prayer from any of your peers?

[a1b1]

To be honest, this is 2011 good luck trying to find a virgin, especially in north america. Not saying its impossible but it is rare. Although, it was not right of her to lie to you, I would have to agree with FD on this one, you have to cut down with the holier than thou attitude.

[anxious_med]

You are being too judgmental and holier than thou for your own good, let alone what you are doing to her. You are n o better than that dbag with your attitude.

 

Let it go or let her go NOW. Nobody is perfect and that includes you. Its quite simple.

 

 

Sorry to somehow have offended you or something. I don't mean I am santimonious or holier than thou. If I truly think that way then I woulda dumped her why still bothering asking for advice from you folks? I told her how I felt, exactly how I felt and we talked about it. So I am not hiding all these thoughts from her. She understands my frustration and is will to spend time with me to get through this together. However I strongly feel better than that dbag. I don't cheat on her, honestly never lied to her, all i have for her is real! I know it's simple to say let it go or let her go but hard to make the decision once you r in my shoes. I am no where near perfect and never said I was so I don't know where you derived that from. And it's not simple.

[kylamonkey]

If it were that easy then I wouldn't be so torn apart right now! I can honestly say she didn't lie to me about anything else. I have been Sherlock Holmes sensitive about the things she does and tells me after the lie. She's a sweet girl with a good heart. Takes good care of me (cooks for me too!). Now that she's moved in with me it is even harder for me to break up with her. I don't know if I can live without her or not. I am scared to dump her. I think I will suffer a great deal more if I broke up with her than trying to fix the relationship. But one is short term (break up and move on) and the other one is temporary fix and might come back and hound me in the future.

 

 

 

If she's lying to you (about basically evrything) then she needs to sort out those issues. You DO NOT HAVE TIME to help her sort them out. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, but if it is affecting you to the point that YOU ARE ALMOST FAILING OUT OF MED SCHOOL, it's time to get out.

[Wayward son]

I am not a relationship expert. However, I think that dwelling on your problem will have an extremely negative impact on your medical school grades.

 

I see your choices as:

 

1) Decide the lie is too much for you and say "see you later" to her.

 

2) Say that you want to make a go of it, but to do so the relationship has to be simple, helpful, free of blame or moral high-ground, and devoid of drama so that you can put school first now and, if it works out, her first later. Say to her that you understand that she lied, but that you assume that she did so because she was crazy about you and you had a (imho crazy) hangup about her being pure as the driven snow. Decide that what matters in the bedroom is what is going on now and in the future, not before you were together. This is something only you can fix.

 

Secondly, I had always wanted to marry someone of equal status (i.e. if I were a virgin then I would like her to be one as well if I were not then I could careless, I know this is stupid but I just couldn't get over it)

 

Why is it that you can't get over something stupid? On the bright side, neither of you are virgins so if you get married it sure sounds like equal status to me. As you said, if you are not a virgin you could care less.

 

3) Stay together - but act like you are morally superior - like she harmed you in some way because of she had sex with someone before she met you. Spend your days and nights wrestling with doubt and grief. Flunk out of medical school and loose your relationship too.

 

(Personally, I don't recommend #3)

[anxious_med]

If the girl was lying to you for three months then you're right, you don't know what else she could lie to you about. I guess that could seem blunt but it's true. One of the things I value most in people in general is honesty so this would probably be a deal-breaker for me. You mentioned that you stayed with her because she was so down. She could start using that to her advantage, getting you to do things by saying she's sad. Taking it to the extreme she could eventually say if you break up with her she'll be all depressed, and either kill herself or hook up with her ex-boyfriend (as far as I know most girls aren't this crazy but I've had a bit of personal experience with some crazy).

 

Also now looking at your previous post, if these posts are indeed both true (must have high index of suspicion for trolls on the internet), then you really don't have the time to put up with this kinda crap. Lose the girl and get your marks back on track, and the rest of your life if needed.

 

Yes I value honesty highly! I really thought about dumping her on the site when she told me the truth (quite frankly was forced to by the situation since she's in the clinic already). But she was really depressed and said if I dumped her she would understand and would walk away quietly. I really didn't want to leave her that vulnerable so I stayed and tried to fix our relationship. I can assure you that she's not crazy though, and she's quite naive and gullible, not manipulative. Also I am not a troll. I can't imagine someone wasting their time posting random posts about their imaginary relationship.

[future_doc]

Forgive or dump. Time to get off the pot.

[anxious_med]

To be honest, this is 2011 good luck trying to find a virgin, especially in north america. Not saying its impossible but it is rare. Although, it was not right of her to lie to you, I would have to agree with FD on this one, you have to cut down with the holier than thou attitude.

 

WARNING - HARSH COMMENTS FOLLOW.

 

I am really not feeling holier than thou like I said if I really do then I would not accept her at all so I won't waste my time being torn apart about whether or not I should end the relationship

 

You realize that what people are "into" also changes as they age, right? What you want in a woman at age 20, is not what you're going to want at age 30. From the sounds of it, she baby's you and plays a motherly role. That's fine and dandy when you're going to school and wanting lots of support. When you turn 30, are you going to want a mom? Or a mate? You may also just be feeding off each others hurt and sorrow and licking each others wounds. You're playing the role of the "mancho-man"/"protector" and it makes you feel good. But if this is so emotionally scarring to you now, what's to say it won't affect your relationship 2? 10? years down the road. Dishonesty is not a good foundation for a relationship, neither is wallowing in sorrow and hurt.

 

Further, I think you should also separate her as a person and her as an "ideal mate". Are you as "in love" with HER? or are you just in love with the IDEA of her ? Relationships suck, but sometimes, you just have to learn to walk away.

 

The guy I dated in first year of undergrad kept telling me it was "so right" and I was "the one". A few months after I dumped him, he was engaged to another girl. A year and a bit later, they were expecting their first child. Who you FEEL like is the one because of hormones and emotional attachment has nothing to do with who actually IS the one.

 

You mentioned you were RC in the original post. Now I have no idea what kind of relationship you have with God, but I'm going to assume like all good religious folks that you pray and talk to the primary deity, so have you prayed or asked God about his will in your life? Have you asked for support or prayer from any of your peers?

 

 

Hey thanks they aren't too bad

 

<big breath>

 

I just left a relationship of 8 yrs that I was scared to leave. Turned out it was the right thing to do. At the very least, we are having time apart and figuring out our own issues.

 

If she's lying to you (about basically evrything) then she needs to sort out those issues. You DO NOT HAVE TIME to help her sort them out. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, but if it is affecting you to the point that YOU ARE ALMOST FAILING OUT OF MED SCHOOL, it's time to get out.

 

Hi I am a big worrier overall. I am not failing out of med I mentioned I was worried about failing out of med but I am still doing okay (maybe slightly below average but not too too bad). And I already made it very very clear if I found out that she lied to me again I will leave her without hesitance. She has not lied to me about anything else. This is sort of like an exception afterall she was a victim in that relationship herself (ofc it was wrong wrong for her to lie to me). My heart is not hard like a stone so I can't just leave her. I would feel depression the first time in my life if I do so right now.

[anxious_med]

I am not a relationship expert. However, I think that dwelling on your problem will have an extremely negative impact on your medical school grades.

 

I see your choices as:

 

1) Decide the lie is too much for you and say "see you later" to her.

 

2) Say that you want to make a go of it, but to do so the relationship has to be simple, helpful, free of blame or moral high-ground, and devoid of drama so that you can put school first now and, if it works out, her first later. Say to her that you understand that she lied, but that you assume that she did so because she was crazy about you and you had a (imho crazy) hangup about her being pure as the driven snow. Decide that what matters in the bedroom is what is going on now and in the future, not before you were together. This is something only you can fix.

 

 

 

Why is it that you can't get over something stupid? On the bright side, neither of you are virgins so if you get married it sure sounds like equal status to me. As you said, if you are not a virgin you could care less.

 

3) Stay together - but act like you are morally superior - like she harmed you in some way because of she had sex with someone before she met you. Spend your days and nights wrestling with doubt and grief. Flunk out of medical school and loose your relationship too.

 

(Personally, I don't recommend #3)

 

 

well said. Why I am asking for advice is because I feel like I am acting like a jerk to her even though I said I forgave her and I want to change myself. I feel like the only mistake she made in this entire event was lying to me about her sexual history. This event really distorted my values and I am not even sure if what I say is what I mean. I never really wanted to marry a virgin that's not my intention but I wanted to be mentally prepared from the start. I would have cared less if she had told me right the first time that she had another sexual history before me. This thing has happened for about 2 months I chose #2 on your list. She's not the one causing problems during this time. My stupid head is the one causing all these problems I think. Sometimes I also want to piss her off somehow so she can leave me without me making that decision, but ofc these thoughts are just brief moments. For the majority of our time we are quite happy.

[PhoenixFlare500]

well said. Why I am asking for advice is because I feel like I am acting like a jerk to her even though I said I forgave her and I want to change myself. I feel like the only mistake she made in this entire event was lying to me about her sexual history. This event really distorted my values and I am not even sure if what I say is what I mean. I never really wanted to marry a virgin that's not my intention but I wanted to be mentally prepared from the start. I would have cared less if she had told me right the first time that she had another sexual history before me. This thing has happened for about 2 months I chose #2 on your list. She's not the one causing problems during this time. My stupid head is the one causing all these problems I think. Sometimes I also want to piss her off somehow so she can leave me without me making that decision, but ofc these thoughts are just brief moments. For the majority of our time we are quite happy.

 

How much have you talked to her about this? Have you expressed all these thoughts that you're telling us to her? Openness in a relationship is a good thing to have. It's one thing to talk to friends that know you about stuff like that and get advice from them. Talking to random people on the internet is a completely different thing. Hopefully most of the advice offered here is helpful but keep in mind there may be better people to talk to (e.g. as I mentioned friends, and her, maybe your priest, etc.).

[DOC_Ma]

Seems like you are the problem. But I don't blame you for doing what you have been doing. She wronged you first after all. I can empathize with you about how hard sometimes to end a relationship that seems to be going well on all fronts except for maybe one thing. If you were to ask me what I think I think everyone deserves a second chance

[anxious_med]

How much have you talked to her about this? Have you expressed all these thoughts that you're telling us to her? Openness in a relationship is a good thing to have. It's one thing to talk to friends that know you about stuff like that and get advice from them. Talking to random people on the internet is a completely different thing. Hopefully most of the advice offered here is helpful but keep in mind there may be better people to talk to (e.g. as I mentioned friends, and her, maybe your priest, etc.).

 

Yes surprisingly yes I have told her every bit of my thoughts and we had shared lengthy conversations on this subject (she doesn't know I am asking you guys online though). I have a peace of mind for the most part but sometimes I just lose it and start into the "oh she lied to me how can I forget her" kind of mentality like right now .

[future_doc]

Seems like you are the problem. But I don't blame you for doing what you have been doing. She wronged you first after all. I can empathize with you about how hard sometimes to end a relationship that seems to be going well on all fronts except for maybe one thing. If you were to ask me what I think I think everyone deserves a second chance

 

Agree absolutely.

[PhoenixFlare500]

I have a peace of mind for the most part but sometimes I just lose it and start into the "oh she lied to me how can I forget her" kind of mentality like right now .

People will wrong you, you have to learn to forgive them. No relationship is perfect but you can learn to work through it together. The fact that she lied to you for so long makes it a bigger deal but then again she could have been worried about losing you.

 

I still think that if this issue is causing you significant distress then you should break off the relationship, at least for a while. If it's somewhat stable, maybe see how it goes.

 

Also if she continues to be dishonest with you then I'd definitely break up. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting in that case.