anxious_med Posted November 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 People will wrong you, you have to learn to forgive them. No relationship is perfect but you can learn to work through it together. The fact that she lied to you for so long makes it a bigger deal but then again she could have been worried about losing you. I still think that if this issue is causing you significant distress then you should break off the relationship, at least for a while. If it's somewhat stable, maybe see how it goes. Hi thanks for being so supportive. I am choosing the "maybe see how it goes" approach right now. Our relationship is stable really no fights in a year except for this this. And it's not so much of a fight either she just cried and we talked about it over and over Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future_doc Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 I am choosing the "maybe see how it goes" approach right now. Sounds rather wishy washy to me and if I knew you had this attitude, if I were her, I would walk. Commit or cut loose. There is no half measure. You do neither yourself or her a favour with this twilight zone mentality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anxious_med Posted November 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Sounds rather wishy washy to me and if I knew you had this attitude, if I were her, I would walk. Commit or cut loose. There is no half measure. You do neither yourself or her a favour with this twilight zone mentality. I wish i could make such a tough decision easier to make. But it's not easy to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhoenixFlare500 Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Sounds rather wishy washy to me and if I knew you had this attitude, if I were her, I would walk. Commit or cut loose. There is no half measure. You do neither yourself or her a favour with this twilight zone mentality. I think what the OP is saying (and what I suggested) is that he's going to try to work out the issues with this girl, but if that doesn't happen then it just doesn't work out. The attitude of committing to a relationship to the death right off the bat is not only unrealistic but puts a lot of pressure on the other person (e.g. when a girl says she'll only go out with you if you're pretty sure you'll marry her before you start). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future_doc Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 You are putting words in his mouth. If I were her and knew of his attitude, and assuming I loved him, I would walk away immediately as I want a man and not a whimp, which he is. He is deluding himself to believe that he is in control. It is one thing to commit and let what will be, be; it is entirely another to hang on with 2 fingers in the believe that his moral indignation is the high ground. He is incapable of making a decision as he believes he is righteous. He will be alone soon enough as he deserves. By believing he is taking the high ground, in reality, he is seriously flawed together with his position - and I would never consider accepting someone such as him based upon all he says. He is the disaster in this non-relationship, he is allowing her in temporarily under false pretenses, meanwhile enjoying her body. He does not deserve her. It is a matter of time that his self-fulfilling prosephy will play out. He is going to be lonely in life. To the OP: Life is not supposed to be easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anxious_med Posted November 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 You are putting words in his mouth. If I were her and knew of his attitude, and assuming I loved him, I would walk away immediately as I want a man and not a whimp, which he is. He is deluding himself to believe that he is in control. It is one thing to commit and let what will be, be; it is entirely another to hang on with 2 fingers in the believe that his moral indignation is the high ground. He is incapable of making a decision as he believes he is righteous. He will be alone soon enough as he deserves. By believing he is taking the high ground, in reality, he is seriously flawed together with his position - and I would never consider accepting someone such as him based upon all he says. He is the disaster in this non-relationship, he is allowing her in temporarily under false pretenses, meanwhile enjoying her body. He does not deserve her. It is a matter of time that his self-fulfilling prosephy will play out. He is going to be lonely in life. To the OP: Life is not supposed to be easy. Hey Thanks for the reply but I don't agree with it Pheonix is not putting words into my mouth. Don't know how you got that. He/she's simply helping and he/she definitely understands my situation much better than you in this case. I am asking for some help but all I got from you is laying blame on me but it's okay since this is the internet and I asked for people's opinions. Again I don't know why you keep thinking that I think I have a sanctimonious attitude, I don't. I am simply puzzled by my situation. I can tell that you won't accept me but neither will I like a girl (assuming you are one) such as yourself with so much judgment towards people so I think we are both safe. Please don't say stuff you don't know. How am I pretending to like her while enjoying her body? If that were the case I would not even care about she lying to me because I can still have sex with her either way. It is because I love her and really want to make it work between us (If I just needed sex I would have lost my virginity to my first gf at the age of 17 and also can pretend that I forgive her completely about her lie and keep having sex with my current gf, it's clearly not my intention because I am asking for help). And lastly to show how judgmental you could be, just based on a few posts I have you think I will be alone for life? Mind you I am only 22 atm, no matter what I do or have done I think I will improve myself over the course of my life time. Lastly I never said life should be easy. My whole point is that life is not easy and this decision that I have to make is not easy but you kept insisting on how easy the decision should be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future_doc Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Hey Thanks for the reply but I don't agree with it Pheonix is not putting words into my mouth. Don't know how you got that. He/she's simply helping and he/she definitely understands my situation much better than you in this case. I am asking for some help but all I got from you is laying blame on me but it's okay since this is the internet and I asked for people's opinions. Again I don't know why you keep thinking that I think I have a sanctimonious attitude, I don't. I am simply puzzled by my situation. I can tell that you won't accept me but neither will I like a girl (assuming you are one) such as yourself with so much judgment towards people so I think we are both safe. Please don't say stuff you don't know. How am I pretending to like her while enjoying her body? If that were the case I would not even care about she lying to me because I can still have sex with her either way. It is because I love her and really want to make it work between us (If I just needed sex I would have lost my virginity to my first gf at the age of 17 and also can pretend that I forgive her completely about her lie and keep having sex with my current gf, it's clearly not my intention because I am asking for help). And lastly to show how judgmental you could be, just based on a few posts I have you think I will be alone for life? Mind you I am only 22 atm, no matter what I do or have done I think I will improve myself over the course of my life time. Lastly I never said life should be easy. My wholeabsolute point is that life is not easy and this decision that I have to make is not easy but you kept insisting on how easy the decision should be. Yes, we agree to disagree. And at this stage I absolutely put the blame on you in the sense that your attitude is creaqting the problem. If you truly love her and want to work it out, don't look backwards. Just look forward and what will be, will be. But No. Instead, you are trying unsuccessfully to put this behind you. Yes. It is easy. Forgive, forget and move on! However, you are playing head games with yourself that has ripple effects upon your relationship. This is my view. And I reiterate, if I loved you and you were my b/f, I would leave you in the dust. I wish you well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedPen Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Am I the only way that smells troll? I know it's been a while since we've had one but there is potential here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future_doc Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 yes possible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovestruck Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Have you asked her WHY she lied? Has she indicated? Maybe she wanted you to be her first time since the other guy was such a disaster and she regrets it? Being lied to is never fun. But I think in this situation you need to understand why she lied and that will help you with how you feel. Also, a lie like that is hard to take back. Maybe she had so badly wanted to forget the bad first time that she made herself believe it never happened and hence verbalized that to you? Maybe she didn't want you to feel nervous that she was more experienced? Either way, once she said something like that, it's very hard to take back, since obviously you've now perpetuated this different image of yourself and it's difficult to undo. Either way, you need to understand why she lied to you. I don't think she did it to be a mean vindictive ***** and make you feel stupid. You need to remember that her previous relationship was abusive. I work with women that have been abused in a number of ways and it's very damaging. Some of that damage may explain the way she acted now and you need to talk to her about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubcMDhopeful Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Ok I think you are taking this way too seriously (assuming you are not a troll lol).... She obviously regretted the other relationship and did not want to bring it up. Also the context where the lie was given probably had a lot of emotions added to it maybe she would not have have lied in a different scenario. Everyone lies at some point particularly if they are ashamed of something. She did not harm you in any way either so I do not see why you are so focused on it. So I would say get over it but if you cant get over it then thats your issue and you should then end the relationship because it will be bound to fail. These are just my thoughts , you should definitely talk to her or someone that is close to you guys that knows all the details, not random people on the Internet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apache Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 wow, this thread is so long i didnt even read most of it... all i have to say is life is so much more complicated with this whole modernist/modern relativism morals/ethics thing, seriously, if i could file for bankruptcy tomorrow, get offered a wall street job paying a mil a year because my buddy from undergrad became a big shot with some start up i'd totally feel kosher about it, my philosophy is to just go with the flow and do what feels right to you, if others don't like it they're free to disagree... it's a nice way to live life, you're never really anxious and relatively relaxed no matter what happens... just a little tangental comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apache Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 some girls like casual relationships, where you just go with the flow with no official commitment, sometimes these are actually the most closely bonded and trusting forms of relationships, it just depends on the individual... Commit or cut loose. There is no half measure. You do neither yourself or her a favour with this twilight zone mentality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kylamonkey Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 It's so odd how our society values female virginity so highly. If this girl told you she wasn't a virgin, would you have valued her less highly? Perhaps that's why she lied to you. But she doesn't sound very mature either. Both of you have no idea what you really want. Book: The Purity Myth- America's Obsession wih Virginity http://www.amazon.ca/Purity-Myth-Americas-Obsession-Virginity/dp/1580052533 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future_doc Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 There you go: She did not harm you in any way either so I do not see why you are so focused on it. So I would say get over it but if you cant get over it then thats your issue and you should then end the relationship because it will be bound to fail. These are just my thoughts , you should definitely talk to her or someone that is close to you guys that knows all the details, not random people on the Internet. It's so odd how our society values female virginity so highly. If this girl told you she wasn't a virgin, would you have valued her less highly? Perhaps that's why she lied to you. But she doesn't sound very mature either. Both of you have no idea what you really want. my philosophy is to just go with the flow and do what feels right to you, if others don't like it they're free to disagree... it's a nice way to live life, you're never really anxious and relatively relaxed no matter what happens... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apache Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 wow, definitely some weird undertones here... no offence man k, i had sex with this guys girlfriend, while he watched, because they were into that sort of thing, on a trip to the rustic rocky mountains... i had dinner with him and her today with another couple, the girl from the other couple had ****ed him (the guy who watched me **** his gf) while the voyeuristic couple was broken up, and i ****ed her (girl from the other couple) before she met guy who watched me have sex with his girlfriend... and we all know about it... by the way, the pizza was fantastic... honesty, it goes a long way ... lol, when i think of big deal, it's like not telling me about some horrible std you know you have after we decide to stop wearing condoms, but then again the whole roman catholic thing... i guess sort of changes things But as time passes by I still have that patch of pain deep inside of me. First I couldn't completely forgive her for lying to me about her virginity, it's just a pain there. Every time I think about how innocent her face looked like when we were having sex and she says "be gentle sweetie I am still a virgin" makes me angry and doubtful about anything she says. She's only 19 when she lost her virginity to his ugly 30 year math post doc (no offense to math people but this guy looks like a weirdo and tries super hard with girls, I just can't even think about his ugly body on top of hers). Secondly, I had always wanted to marry someone of equal status (i.e. if I were a virgin then I would like her to be one as well if I were not then I could careless, I know this is stupid but I just couldn't get over it). Jesus I am so puzzled as to what to do right now since I could see myself marrying her in a year or two because we both felt right about each other but I don't want to marry someone with even a slight disatisfaction about let alone something huge like this. I can't talk to friends or family members so I hope this anonymous forum could give me some advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anxious_med Posted November 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Hey thanks all for your reply. You are right, that she did lie to hide a shameful past relationship. She didn't mean to lie to mean because she wanted to fool me or anything. We are both going to a couple's counseling. My religious view definitely had some impact on my views about sexual activities. Ps:muse kudos to you for being a player and I have quite a few friends around me both guys and girls who also sleep with a lot of people, I don't judge them but I certainly won't go out with them. I m going to stick with my more conservative values but in the mean time do some self reflectiOn and improvement. Thanks all for your input. I appreciate them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomSmasher Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Wow, I can't believe you made a big deal about this. 1) Sex before marriage is not wrong. What about cultures where marriage doesn't exist? Are they going to hell? What did humans do to procreate before marriage was invented? Did they go to hell too? Your believe is irrational. Irrational beliefs must be eradicated. 2) Women lie about being virgins all the time. You're crying over spilt milk. There is nothing special about being a virgin. 3) Women cheat all the time. Most women will cheat on their long term boyfriends eventually. Women are biologically programmed to sleep with masculine men during the most fertile period of their menstrual cycle, but default to their long term boyfriend during their infertile periods. But this is actually a good thing, because you can always safely assume your girlfriend has cheated on you, which gives you a lisence to cheat on her. 4) I didn't read your whole original post, but this woman sounds like a scummy *****. You're a medical student. You are therefore high value by definition. High value men don't put up with bull ****. Dump her ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deeman101 Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 But this is actually a good thing, because you can always safely assume your girlfriend has cheated on you, which gives you a lisence to cheat on her. Brilliant logic. You're a medical student. You are therefore high value by definition. High value men don't put up with bull ****. Dump her ass. And this is why nurses like to bring med students down a notch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FacelessMage Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 3) Women cheat all the time. Most women will cheat on their long term boyfriends eventually. Women are biologically programmed to sleep with masculine men during the most fertile period of their menstrual cycle, but default to their long term boyfriend during their infertile periods. But this is actually a good thing, because you can always safely assume your girlfriend has cheated on you, which gives you a lisence to cheat on her. . [CITATION NEEDED] And nothing evol psych related either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keepontrying Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 I think you should just end the relationship. It seems like both of you are together for the sake of being together only. It's almost like both of you are acting - she's acting to please you while you're acting to avoid feeling like a d-bag if you dump her. If you care so much about virginity, you might need to go back to highschool, but don't get caught by Chris Hansen and his dateline show =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomSmasher Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 [CITATION NEEDED] And nothing evol psych related either. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexy_son_hypothesis#Human_sexual_behavior All the citations you need to figure it out on your own can be found from there. And this isn't evolutionary psychology. Researchers have brought in women into labs, arranged them by whether or not they were currently ovulating, and asked them to rate male faces. The ovulating women (fertile) rated the masculine faces as most attractive. The non-ovulating women (infertile) rated the feminine male faces as most attractive. That's strong evidence to suggest that women are naturally designed to have a steady feminine boyfriend to be the "dad" and provide for her offspring (because he's more reliable), and a macho guy to hook up with a few times per month (because he's got better genes). Women cheat naturally. If you can't deal with it, either cheat back or don't have a girlfriend. And all I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with a pre-emptive strike. And this is why nurses like to bring med students down a notch. Yeah, I guess they have to bring themselves up somehow. But I let them have this, because one day that nurse is going to be my b**** and she can't do anything about it. The fact is that doctors = money and money = high value person, therefore doctors = high value person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deeman101 Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yeah, I guess they have to bring themselves up somehow. But I let them have this, because one day that nurse is going to be my b**** and she can't do anything about it. The fact is that doctors = money and money = high value person, therefore doctors = high value person. Assuming we're still talking about the North American medical system, you're wrong. You try pimping nurses too much and your life will be hell. I've heard of docs being driven out of a department / hospital by vindictive nurses. If you be nice to nurses, they'll help cover your ass. I won't even go into your 2nd logic fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apache Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 the funny thing was that i was trying to show that i wasn't a player, but i realize now how that must have come off. we've all known each other for years and are close friends. i actually have what would be perceived as conservative sexual values, at least in action, but i think it's due to the fact that i have a very almost female sex drive, while someone needs to be decent looking for me to be attracted to them, beyond that it's really psychological... you can be a playboy model and if i think you're a moron i just won't be aroused (no one ever believes me because i'm a guy, but it's totally true, i'd rather a long term relationship above average looking girl that matches my personality than have random sex with a 10/10 that i don't find mentally/emotionally attractive). so personally i'm quite conservative in my sex life because i'm a bit idiosyncratic, but i'm a libertarian with regard to other people's behaviour. Ps:muse kudos to you for being a player and I have quite a few friends around me both guys and girls who also sleep with a lot of people, I don't judge them but I certainly won't go out with them. I m going to stick with my more conservative values but in the mean time do some self reflectiOn and improvement. Thanks all for your input. I appreciate them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apache Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 i had three 45 minute conversations with random strangers yesterday that made them consider their life trajectory, does that make me a high value person (maybe I should go into pharmaceutical sales, lol)? Nurses are actually really nice if you treat them with respect and qualify questions like I know this may be a stupid question but I'm new to this. Medical practice is a team endeavour, and nurses are used to being abused, if you show them you're different, they'll treat you with respect (most of them). Personally, that's why I loved the ER, it was such a great team environment where everyone worked together to provide patient care, there was a lot less of army-like hierarchical rituals and social behaviour you see in other branches of medicine, although it's not completely devoid of that. You are right though that for people who adhere to social norms and rules of mainstream society (which you are free to break and frame in your own way, as long as you don't break extreme social rules) money equals higher status, but then again, money can't buy extreme social intelligence, general intelligence, empathy, internally dependent self confidence with an internal locus of control, and you'll most likely end up with a bimbo unless you have the complete package. Yeah, I guess they have to bring themselves up somehow. But I let them have this, because one day that nurse is going to be my b**** and she can't do anything about it. The fact is that doctors = money and money = high value person, therefore doctors = high value person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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