Prep101 - Free Writing Sample Feedback

[RaymondPrep101]

donna71

 

Throughout history and in modern day, all societies face a plethora of different social issues. To be effective at eradicating or resolving such problems involves directing criticism at the issues and not at particular individuals; this is particularly so if a larger mass of individuals or populations of people are affected This last bit is more appropriate for the resolution paragraph. Your resolution principle is best saved for last so that it has more impact. For instance, in the 1950s America faced great social turmoil when it came to civil rights for Black Americans, particularly in the South. Many Black Americans faced discrimination and they were segregated into separate schools and institutions. Furthermore in the public sector, Black Americans may not even sit this should be past tense in the white-designated sections of public transit buses. To target and penalize individuals responsible for each specific inequality directed at each Black American would have been impractical as the discriminatory attitudes and behaviours were a social phenomenon. Therefore the effective way in which to collectively address the problem would be to target the general phenomenon of racial attitudes and behaviours rather than specific individuals.

This argument is sound. However, it would have been much better if you added a discussion about the social criticisms that actually took place to illustrate your point.

 

On the other hand, that is not to say that effective social criticism is never directed at individuals rather than issues. ?? This is written in a very confusing manner. If we look at the example with Trayvon Martin, the teenager who was recently shot and killed by George Zimmerman, a community patroller, it can be argued that the case would have evaded the nation's attention and justice would not have been served had Martin's parents failed to speak up. Justice hasn't really been served yet. Furthermore, it could be said that the police chief is responsible for the lack of accountability and thoroughness in handling such a serious crime. Therefore it is imperative to criticise individuals, such as the chief, for failing to adequately scrutinize and address each case presented to the department rather than blindly blame racism or politics to effect change to the handling of crime cases.

This example could work but not in the way it is explained here. The argument is not very coherent and there are some details that are missing for the points that are made. The argument is not clear.

It is important for individuals in a society to voice their opinions and advocate for social change where it is necessary. This is a good opening. For social criticism to be effective in instigating change, it may be directed at general issues and sometimes it is directed at specific individuals. What determines whether or not the finger should point to issues or individuals is dependent upon the number of individuals affected by and responsible for the problem. The concern with this principle is that you have two elements that are part of it. This makes your life more difficult because you will need to apply both elements to both examples. Should a large number of people, such as Black Americans, be affected by another large number of people such as Caucasian Americans, then the social issues must be highlighted such as attitudes and behaviours as all cases have this common theme. This applications is good. However should a small number of people are affected by and are responsible for a problem, then the social criticism is directed at the individual, since these cases are more isolated and/or specific. Regardless of where the criticism is to be directed at, it is imperative to listen to all of the social voices presenting opinions that are directed at bettering society for the good.

The principle is good (large scale vs. small scale) but you did not apply the principle to your second example.

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 Supporting task is adequately addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is somewhat addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 3

Grammar and vocabulary:4.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Hi Raymond, just wondering if you could provide a little more elaboration on this comment. If my proposed resolution principle (to expand upon it) is:

 

"The efficacy of criticism levied upon either individuals or issues is dependent upon whether it will result in a change of policy. Arguments against specific people should be reserved for cases in which criticism of the individual will affect the outcome of the issue at hand."

 

Would it still be too vague? And my argument would remain vague in its overall direction in that it would change on a case-to-case basis, but as an overarching resolution, it can be applied to every situation; is this acceptable?

 

The efficacy of criticism levied upon either individuals or issues is dependent upon whether it will result in a change of policy.

This is a circular argument. By definition, if criticism results in a change in policy then it means it is effective. Here you are basically saying, "The effectiveness of criticism is dependent upon whether it is effective."

Your argument should not be vague. It needs to be specific. It is obvious that things change on a case to case basis. This is already acknowledged in the writing task. You need to come up with a specific rule that can be applied to different cases. Your resolution principle should not change depending on the case. It should be a rule that can be applied to different cases.

[RaymondPrep101]

Only the history of free nations is worthy of study.

 

Describe a specific situation in which the study of a nation that was or is not free might be worthy of study. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study.

 

Instructions

In 30 minutes, write an essay for the prompt and instructions above and post your essay in this thread.

 

Use the Notepad accessory on your computer so word processing functions are turned off.

 

Note: Do not read other essays replying to this prompt on the forum until after you have written and submitted your own essay.

 

Deadline

11:59pm Saturday, March 31.

 

Essays posted after the deadline will not be scored but a new Prompt will be posted on Sunday, April 1st.

[Prof.A.DumbleDore]

Describe a specific situation in which the study of a nation that was or is not free might be worthy of study. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study.

 

The rise and fall of nations have long been an attractive topic of study for historians. The history of a nation, whether free or not, may be studied as real-life examples in an effort to demonstrate ideological perspectives. For example, the philosopher Machiavelli has written in his well documented novel "The Prince" his ideological philosophy. This philosophy emphasizes the pursuit of power through the Machiavellian method, often characterized as cruel and cold by some critics. In the pursuit of attempting to justify his ideology and methods, Machiavelli discusses real-life factual key figures of past nations to substantiate his points. Machiavelli utilizes the history of various nations/empires based on factual points which he then uses to infer his various arguments.

 

While historical examples are pivotal in the process of studying not only human history, it is important to vigilant in determining fact from fiction. For example, a nation's history may be in fact based on propaganda or even to a certain extent pure fiction. This is demonstrated in the isolated country of North Korea. The communist country of North Korea, whose leader Kim Jung Il recently passed away, has long severed almost all communication to the rest of the world. All the information taught in North Korean education institutions are taught with regard to the countries mandate: to perpetuate the success's of the communist party and their "Dear Leader". As a result, the history of the nation is severely bias and unreliable if used in objective and academic study.

 

The Roman Empire once spanned the entire known civilization. The rise and fall of this great empire has been studied by many scholars. Different scholars may use facts to substantiate their varying perspectives on psychology, philosophy, etc. This was demonstrated by Machiavelli, who utilized factual history of various nations as evidence to his various arguments. Machiavelli lived in a relatively free civilization, where facts were accessible and recorded objectively. However, in the communist country of North Korea, the freedom of historians and their own citizens are so inhibited the the history of this nation is quite bias. As a result, the history of a nation may not be worthy of study due to its unreliable nature. In conclusion, the study of a nation is worthy of study if the knowledge obtained is conducted in a process free of bias and ideological agendas. On the other hand, a nations study may be severely limited and not worthy of study due to the bias and distortion.

[wstntime]

Only the history of free nations is worthy of study.

 

Describe a specific situation in which the study of a nation that was or is not free might be worthy of study. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study.

 

The analysis of trends in economic philosophy of a libertarian society may be useful in developing future economic policy. Since the beginnings of American society the social structure can be said to be relatively libertarian along the spectrum of social philosophy. Within this particular social structure there has been different schools of thought with respect to economic philosophy, and how economic policy can most efficiently provide a framework for economic growth and prosperity for American citizens, while also providing basic social needs such as healthcare and welfare. While the spectrum of economic philosophy can vary from the far-left socialist ideology to far right conservatism, american society has narrowed this to a divide between liberal and conservative philosophies, primarily towards the center of the spectrum. By studying the history of libertarian societies such as the USA, we can apply these past trends to development of future economic policy within current societies of libertarian social structure.

 

It may also be useful to study the history of economic philosophy of authoritarian societies. By studying trends in economic philosophy over the last half-century of China, we can see how these have helped China grow from a country of poor economic status to become the second-most powerful economic force on the global stage. In this case, differing economic philosophies have to be analyzed with an authoritarian social structure in order to develop future economic policy in an authoritarian society.

 

It can be concluded that the history of nations may be worthy of study whether or not they have been free societies, but the determining factor is whether or not we want to develop future economic policy in a libertarian or authoritarian society. By eliminating the variable of the social structure in both cases, only then can we determine the effect that different economic philosophies have on creating an environment for economic growth and prosperity within a particular social structure. The polarity between communism and capitalism is significantly overshadowed by the dichotomy between libertarianism and authoritarianism.

[wstntime]

Oh god! What in the hell was I talking about there anyway?!

[donna71]

The study of history is an insightful experience that could offer solutions for issues of the present day. In the study for the abolishment of racial discrimination and/or development of civil rights, it would be worthy to study the history of a free nation such as the United States. The United States is said to be "free" in the sense that the nation protects the civil freedoms and rights of its individuals. Compared to a nation such as Sudan or Nigeria in which civil rights are not readily guaranteed and face civil wars and social turmoil to this day, the study of the United States' successful progress from the 1950s (with Black American civil rights) to the present is more useful for one interested in observing the whole progress toward and resolution of such issues. Therefore, it is more insightful to study a free nation that has undergone such such historical and societal changes than a non-free nation still in the progress toward that development.

 

However it is not to say that the history of non-free nations do not offer any useful insight to be worthy of study. For instance, we may regard "free" to mean nations that offer freedom of speech to its citizens. China is a nation that readily censures freedom of expression and blocks internet access to particular types of information. China is a one of the oldest civilizations on the globe and through its long history has offered many great contributions on a global scale such as gunpowder, paper, and the compass. Such innovations were shared with the world, which would otherwise not be so quick in its progess towards modernization without such technologies. On the otherhand, the United States is a relatively much younger nation than China and has not contributed on the same global scale in terms of volume of historical information or pre-modern technologies. Therefore the history of non-free nations, such as China, is worthy of study over free nations if one considers the depth of history the nation has to offer.

 

The study of history is critical in some circumstances to avoid repeating it, as is said by the classic adage. The history of free nations offer greater insight than non-free nations, however the converse is also true. The factor that determines whether or not a free or non-free nation is worthy of study is dependent upon the focus of study and if it is on the process of attaining a freedom. If the focus of such historical study is on how civil rights came to be, then the history of the free nation, such as the United States, is more worthy of study than a nation that has yet to attain such freedoms. However if the focus of study is not on how a freedom was attained, then a non-free nation is worthy of study over a free nation in respect to areas such as depth of history that a free nation may not offer. Regardless, it is imperative to study the histories of both free and non-free nations in order to gain a well-rounded global history of all nations.

[Non-trad hopeful]

Only the history of free nations is worthy of study.

 

Describe a specific situation in which the study of a nation that was or is not free might be worthy of study.

Discuss what you think determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study

 

The history of free nations can teach us a great deal about what it means to currently live in a 'free' nation. When we use the term 'free' in the context of a nation, we generally think of a number of characteristics - at least from a Western democratic standpoint. To be 'free' includes being free to vote in a democratic election, choose individual religious believes, receive free and equal treatment under the law, and be free from harrassment, torture, totalitarian rule etc. If we want to learn about what led a coutry to its current 'free' status, then it is only the history of free nations that is worthy of study. However, it would be particularly useful for us to study the history of a nation that was at one point 'unfree' but that emerged to a free nation today. For instance, we might study the history of the United States in order to understand the steps which led this country to become 'free'. The United States historically went through a period of slavery when all members of society were not treated as free and equal under the law and could thus not be said to be 'free'. However, today, it can largely be thought of as a 'free' society - it holds democratic national elections every four years, which operate in a transparant manner, citizens are free to vote as they wish, citizens are free to follow any religious beliefs they choose as long as they do not harm others, and citizens are free from harrassment, torture, and totalitarian rule.

 

HOwever, if we were to change our purpose of study to that of determining what prevents societies from becoming 'free', it would be useful to include the history of a nation that is not free. Moreover, it would be particularly interesting to include the study of a nation that is currently struggling for freedom. A good example would be Libya, which was one of several countries involved in what is now called the 'Arab Spring' - a wave of demostration, often violent, which protested the undemocratic nature of the current regime and demanded a change. In a way, this was a call to make Libya a more 'free' society through democratic elections and transparancy. Ultimately, Ghaddafi, the ruling authoritarian leader at the time, was killed by foreign forces and steps were taken toward a more 'free' society. However, Lybia still struggles to gain the status of a 'free' nation. By studying the history of a country like LYbia, would could determine what causes a nation to remain 'unfree' and perhaps gain insight into ways to overcome this lack of freedom.

 

Whether or not the history of an 'unfree' nation is worthy of study is dependent upon the purpose of the study in question. If the purpose of our study is to learn about what led a country to its current 'free' status, then we must study a nation that is currently free. In this sense, only the history of free nations is worthy of study. Studying the history of the United States in this instance would prove useful for our purposes. On the other hand, if the purpose of our study was to determin what prevents societies from becoming 'free', we would want to explore a nation that has yet to attain 'freedom'. In the case of Libya, we see a nation that is currently struggling for freedom. While there has been progress made, Libya has yet to achieve the status of a 'free' nation. Thus, the purpose of the study in question determines what historical examples we must explore.

[RaymondPrep101]

Prof.A.DumbleDore

 

The rise and fall of nations have long been an attractive word choice topic of study for historians. The history of a nation, whether free or not, may be studied as real-life examples in an effort to demonstrate ideological perspectives. For example, the philosopher Machiavelli has written in his well documented novel "The Prince" his ideological philosophy. Awkward phrasing. This philosophy emphasizes the pursuit of power through the Machiavellian method, often characterized as cruel and cold by some critics. In the pursuit of attempting to justify his ideology and methods, Machiavelli discusses real-life factual key figures of past nations to substantiate his points. Machiavelli utilizes the history of various nations/empires based on factual points which he then uses to infer his various arguments.

This discussion although insightful is not directed at addressing the writing task.

The writing sample essay has a standard 3 paragraph format that should be followed for every essay. Each paragraph has a specific task that needs to be addressed.

 

While historical examples are pivotal in the process of studying not only human history, it is important to be vigilant in determining fact from fiction. For example, a nation's history may be in fact based on propaganda or even to a certain extent pure fiction. This is demonstrated in the isolated country of North Korea. The communist country of North Korea, whose leader Kim Jung Il recently passed away, has long severed almost all communication to the rest of the world. All the information taught in North Korean education institutions are taught with regard to the countries mandate: to perpetuate the success's of the communist party and their "Dear Leader". As a result, the history of the nation is severely bias and unreliable if used in objective and academic study.

This example works for the supporting task. However, it needs to be discussed within the context of explicitly addressing the writing task.

 

The Roman Empire once spanned the entire known civilization. The rise and fall of this great empire has been studied by many scholars. Different scholars may use facts to substantiate their varying perspectives on psychology, philosophy, etc. This was demonstrated by Machiavelli, who utilized factual history of various nations as evidence to his various arguments. Machiavelli lived in a relatively free civilization, where facts were accessible and recorded objectively. However, in the communist country of North Korea, the freedom of historians and their own citizens are so inhibited the the history of this nation is quite bias. As a result, the history of a nation may not be worthy of study due to its unreliable nature. In conclusion, the study of a nation is worthy of study if the knowledge obtained is conducted in a process free of bias and ideological agendas. On the other hand, a nations study may be severely limited and not worthy of study due to the bias and distortion.

The essay here is thoughtful but it does not address all of the writing tasks that are part of the writing sample.

 

Start with the basics. Learn what the writing sample is looking for, its 3 tasks and then learn the standard structure of the writing sample essay.

 

The writing sample is a highly structured piece of writing and the same template needs to be followed for every essay.

 

Overall Mark: 1/6 (Corresponds to approximately a J)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 1 Supporting task is weakly addressed. Refuting task is not addressed. Resolution task is not addressed.

Depth: 2

Focus and coherence: 1.5 Discussion isn't focused on addressing the writing tasks.

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

durabol

 

The analysis of trends in economic philosophy of a libertarian society may be useful in developing future economic policy. Since the beginnings of American society the social structure can be said to be relatively libertarian along the spectrum of social philosophy. Within this particular social structure there has been different schools of thought with respect to economic philosophy, and how economic policy can most efficiently provide a framework for economic growth and prosperity for American citizens, while also providing basic social needs such as healthcare and welfare. While the spectrum of economic philosophy can vary from the far-left socialist ideology to far right conservatism, american society has narrowed this to a divide between liberal and conservative philosophies, primarily towards the center of the spectrum. By studying the history of libertarian societies such as the USA, we can apply these past trends to development of future economic policy within current societies of libertarian social structure.

This example could work. But as it is written, it is not directed at addressing the writing task. Fundamentals first, complexity and depth second.

 

 

It may also be useful to study the history of economic philosophy of authoritarian societies. By studying trends in economic philosophy over the last half-century of China, we can see how these have helped China grow from a country of poor economic status to become the second-most powerful economic force on the global stage. In this case, differing economic philosophies have to be analyzed with an authoritarian social structure in order to develop future economic policy in an authoritarian society.

A similar problem here. This idea could work but is not focused on addressing the writing task.

 

It can be concluded that the history of nations may be worthy of study whether or not they have been free societies, but the determining factor is whether or not we want to develop future economic policy in a libertarian or authoritarian society. This is not a strong resolution principle because it doesn't really get at what the determining factor is between the examples. By eliminating the variable of the social structure in both cases, only then can we determine the effect that different economic philosophies have on creating an environment for economic growth and prosperity within a particular social structure. The polarity between communism and capitalism what polarity? These are not mutually exclusive ideas. is significantly overshadowed by the dichotomy between libertarianism and authoritarianism.

 

Overall, although the discussion is thoughtful, it does not address any of the writing tasks. The focus should be on addressing the writing task rather than showboating.

 

Overall Mark: 1/6 (Corresponds to approximately a J )

Addresses tasks: 1 None of the tasks are addressed.

[DaKirbster]

Only the history of free nations is worthy of study.

 

Describe a specific situation in which the study of a nation that was or is not free might be worthy of study. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study.

 

---

 

History, the study of the successes and mistakes of the past, allows for the growth of society by learning from said successes and mistakes. For a free nation to continue to grow and develop, it must draw wisdom from the history in order gain insight on the ups and downs of democracy. The history of free nations is the most worthy of study as it allows for the exemplification of working democracy in action. For example, there is much to be learned from the history of the United States of America, a nation well known for its freedom. The development of how the freedom of the USA came to be is particularly noteworthy, as it may set an example for how non-free nations may become free in the future. The understanding of this past sets a precedent for the future whereby the successes of the past can be replicated.

 

However, there are some cases whereby the study of a nation which is not free is worthy of study. This is most likely to be the case when the nation was free in the past, but something went wrong to change that. In such cases, it is highly beneficial to study the mistakes that led to the loss of freedom in hopes of preventing the same mistakes from being made in the future. This can be exemplified by the society of Noonia, a fictitious nation created in the "Political Activism Now" learning series. In the series, Noonia had once been a free nation but became ravished at the hands of war after a conflict with a neighboring nation over unclaimed land. With its freedom lost, Noonia became overrun with tyranny and dictatorship. Learning from the disastor, other nations developped a set of conventions to circumnavigate any similar disputes in the future. Though fictional in nature, this example shows us how the history of nations that are no longer free can be worthy of study.

 

What determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study or not depends on whether the nation has been free at some point in time. In the first example, the study of a free nation such as the USA is worthy in order to learn from the successes encountered by a free nation and how they came to be. In the second example, the study of Noonia, a nation that is no longer free but was at a point in the past, is worthy in order to learn from the mistakes made by the free nation that led to the loss of freedom. Ultimately, it is the past that determines who we are today, and it is by understanding the past that we can work towards a better future.

[medoc]

Only the history of free nations is worthy of study.

 

Describe a specific situation in which the study of a nation that was or is not free might be worthy of study. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study.

 

Throughout many years, nations have gained freedom with the help of local leaders and international organizations getting involved to help nations at risk. The study of free nations is important to gain insight on what tactics and negotiations were involved in to become a free nation. For example, Gandhi spent many years negotiating with the British to free India to gain independence from them. The procedures he took to approach the British rulers and what he provided to benefit the British to leave India is important to study. Studying what Gandhi did to gain freedom can be used by many other nations that are fighting for freedom. This way, nations can understand what has benefitted and what has not and to decide on what needs to be done.

 

Although, the study of free nations can be worthy, study of nations that are fighting for justice can also be worthwhile. Studying about nations that have not been freed due to war and poor government regulations will provide knowledge in understanding where the problems are located. A nation that is not freed at this moment needs more attention to bring justice and freedom. For example, studying the impact of genocide in the current SriLankan war and to implement actions to prevent future genocides is important to save lives. Such issues presented in countries with no freedom should be studied to free the nations as soon as possible to limit the number of deaths.

 

What determines whether a study of a free nation is worthy or not depends on the cause of the study. If studying a free nation will shed light on implementing changes to free another nation that is at war then it should be undertaken. Understanding the methods and changes from a free nation and using the knowledge to help other nations will be beneficial. At the same time, attention should also be given to countries that are currently at risk to investigate issues and to free them in the near future.

[RaymondPrep101]

donna71

 

The study of history is an insightful experience that could offer solutions for issues of the present day. In the study for the abolishment grammar of racial discrimination and/or development of civil rights, it would be worthy to study the history of a free nation such as the United States. The United States is said to be "free" in the sense that the nation protects the civil freedoms and rights of its individuals. Compared to a nation such as Sudan or Nigeria in which civil rights are not readily guaranteed and face civil wars and social turmoil to this day, the study of the United States' successful progress from the 1950s (with Black American civil rights) to the present is more useful for one interested in observing the whole progress toward and resolution of such issues. This is one big run-on sentence. Therefore, it is more insightful to study a free nation that has undergone such such historical and societal changes than a non-free nation still in the progress toward that development.

This example is okay. However, the argument lacks depth. What is basically being said here is "in the study of abolishing discrimination, it is only useful to study countries that have already done so" (this is obvious). The writing style could use a bit of improvement. The clarity of the arguments in particular could be improved.

 

However it is not to say that the history of non-free nations do not offer any useful insight to be worthy of study. For instance, we may regard "free" to mean nations that offer freedom of speech to its citizens. If you were going to define free, this should have been included in the introduction. China is a nation that readily censures freedom of expression and blocks internet access to particular types of information. China is a one of the oldest civilizations on the globe and through its long history has offered many great contributions on a global scale such as gunpowder, paper, and the compass. Such innovations were shared with the world, which would otherwise not be so quick in its progess towards modernization without such technologies. On the otherhand, the United States is a relatively much younger nation than China and has not contributed on the same global scale in terms of volume of historical information or pre-modern technologies. Therefore the history of non-free nations, such as China, is worthy of study over free nations if one considers the depth of history the nation has to offer.

The argument here is not very clear. It is not clear why the history of China is worthy of study. You should also not include America here because you just argued in your last paragraph that the history of the United States was worthy of study.

 

The study of history is critical in some circumstances to avoid repeating it, as is said by the classic adage. The history of free nations offer greater insight than non-free nations, however the converse is also sometimes true. Without the sometimes, you just contradict yourself. The factor that determines whether or not a free or non-free nation is worthy of study is dependent upon the focus of study and if it is on the process of attaining a freedom. This is very vague and ambiguous. You want your resolution principle to be clear, specific and easy to apply. If the focus of such historical study is on how civil rights came to be, then the history of the free nation, such as the United States, is more worthy of study than a nation that has yet to attain such freedoms. This is obvious. However if the focus of study is not on how a freedom was attained, then a non-free nation is worthy of study over a free nation in respect to areas such as depth of history that a free nation may not offer. Regardless, it is imperative to study the histories of both free and non-free nations in order to gain a well-rounded global history of all nations.

 

Overall, I think the prompt just tripped you up. It is a difficult prompt and the quality of ideas here needs improvement.

 

Overall Mark: 2.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a M )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 2.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 2.5 Ideas lack depth.

Focus and coherence: 3 Argument is difficult to follow at times.

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

DaKirbster

 

History, the study of the successes and mistakes of the past, allows for the growth of society by learning from said successes and mistakes. For a free nation to continue to grow and develop, it must draw wisdom from the history in order gain insight on the ups and downs of democracy. This is repeating the same idea which is unnecessary.The history of free nations is the most worthy of study as it allows for the exemplification of working democracy in action. For example, there is much to be learned from the history of the United States of America, a nation well known for its freedom. The development of how the freedom of the USA came to be is particularly noteworthy, as it may set an example for how non-free nations may become free in the future. The understanding of this past sets a precedent for the future whereby the successes of the past can be replicated.

This example lacks any concrete details. It is vague and lacks substance.

 

However, there are some cases whereby the study of a nation which is not free is worthy of study. Re-read this sentence. This is most likely to be the case when the nation was free in the past, but something went wrong to change that. This is better saved for the resolution paragraph. In such cases, it is highly beneficial to study the mistakes that led to the loss of freedom in hopes of preventing the same mistakes from being made in the future. This can be exemplified by the society of Noonia, a fictitious nation created in the "Political Activism Now" learning series. In the series, Noonia had once been a free nation but became ravished ravaged at the hands of war after a conflict with a neighboring nation over unclaimed land. With its freedom lost, Noonia became overrun with tyranny and dictatorship. Learning from the disastor, other nations developped a set of conventions to circumnavigate any similar disputes in the future. Though fictional in nature, this example shows us how the history of nations that are no longer free can be worthy of study.

Fictional examples are not very strong. Even though it comes from a real book, it is still hypothetical. This example lacks depth. Here you are basically arguing that the history of Noonia is worthy of study.

 

What determines whether or not a nation's history is worthy of study or not depends on whether the nation has been free at some point in time. In the first example, the study of a free nation such as the USA is worthy in order to learn from the successes encountered by a free nation and how they came to be. In the second example, the study of Noonia, a nation that is no longer free but was at a point in the past, is worthy in order to learn from the mistakes made by the free nation that led to the loss of freedom. Ultimately, it is the past that determines who we are today, and it is by understanding the past that we can work towards a better future.

The resolution principle is strong. However, the arguments still lack depth.

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 Supporting task is weakly addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is adequately addressed.

Depth: 2.5

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

medoc

 

Throughout many years, nations have gained freedom with the help of local leaders and international organizations getting involved to help nations at risk. The study of free nations is important to gain insight on what tactics and negotiations were involved in to become grammar a free nation. For example, Gandhi spent many years negotiating with the British to free India to gain independence from them. The procedures he took to approach the British rulers and what he provided to benefit the British to leave India is important to study. Studying what Gandhi did to gain freedom can be used by many other nations that are fighting for freedom. This way, nations can understand what has benefitted and what has not and to decide on what needs to be done. This last sentence is not very effective because it is very vague.

 

This example doesn't quite fit here. Although India is free now, you focused on the historical period when Gandhi was fighting for independence. Gandhi's struggles were during a time when India was not free as you have just described. If this was tweaked it would fit better for the refuting example.

 

Although, the study of free nations can be worthy, study of nations that are fighting for justice can also be worthwhile. Studying about nations that have not been freed due to war and poor government regulations will provide knowledge in understanding where the problems are located. A nation that is not freed at this moment needs more attention to bring justice and freedom. For example, studying the impact of genocide in the current SriLankan war and to implement actions to prevent future genocides is important to save lives. Such issues presented in countries with no freedom should be studied to free the nations as soon as possible to limit the number of deaths.

This example doesn't really work. Sri Lanka itself is technically a free and independent country. The Tamils that live in Sri Lanka are not free in some regards but this prompt is focused on nations. The Tamils have tried to fight for an independent nation but were never recognized as their own country. Please correct me if I am incorrect, this is just my understanding of the issue.

 

What determines whether a study of a free nation is worthy or not depends on the cause of the study. This is different from the prompt writing task. If studying a free nation will shed light on implementing changes to free another nation that is at war then it should be undertaken. This is ambiguous and vague. Understanding the methods and changes from a free nation and using the knowledge to help other nations will be beneficial. At the same time, attention should also be given to countries that are currently at risk to investigate issues and to free them in the near future.

You do not have a strong resolution principle and you do not have a discussion where you apply your resolution principle to separate your two examples.

 

Overall Mark: 1.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a K )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 1.5 Supporting task is weakly addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is not addressed.

Depth: 2.5

Focus and coherence: 2

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Non-trad hopeful

 

The history of free nations can teach us a great deal about what it means to currently live in a 'free' nation. When we use the term 'free' in the context of a nation, we generally think of a number of characteristics - at least from a Western democratic standpoint. To be 'free' includes being free to vote in a democratic election, choose individual religious believes, receive free and equal treatment under the law, and be free from harrassment, torture, totalitarian rule etc. Good, although a bit long. If we want to learn about what led a coutry to its current 'free' status, then it is only the history of free nations that is worthy of study. However, it would be particularly useful for us to study the history of a nation that was at one point 'unfree' but that emerged to a free nation today. For instance, we might study the history of the United States in order to understand the steps which led this country to become 'free'. The United States historically went through a period of slavery when all members of society were not treated as free and equal under the law and could thus could not be said to be 'free'. However, today, it can largely be thought of as a 'free' society - it holds democratic national elections every four years, which operate in a transparant manner, citizens are free to vote as they wish, citizens are free to follow any religious beliefs they choose as long as they do not harm others, and citizens are free from harrassment, torture, and totalitarian rule.

You started off well, however your example doesn't have much substance. You want to have specific details. Talk about the abolition of slavery, the free rights movement, suffrage, etc.

 

HOwever, if we were to change our purpose of study to that of determining what prevents societies from becoming 'free', it would be useful to include the history of a nation that is not free. Moreover, it would be particularly interesting to include the study of a nation that is currently struggling for freedom. A good example would be Libya, which was one of several countries involved in what is now called the 'Arab Spring' - a wave of demostration, often violent, which protested the undemocratic nature of the current regime and demanded a change. In a way, this was a call to make Libya a more 'free' society through democratic elections and transparancy. Ultimately, Ghaddafi, the ruling authoritarian leader at the time, was killed by foreign forces and steps were taken toward a more 'free' society. However, Lybia still struggles to gain the status of a 'free' nation. By studying the history of a country like LYbia, would could determine what causes a nation to remain 'unfree' you could have just simply said not free. and perhaps gain insight into ways to overcome this lack of freedom.

This is excellent. It is an international example. It is specific, there are supporting details and you address the writing task.

 

Whether or not the history of an 'unfree' again don't use this nation is worthy of study is dependent upon the purpose of the study in question. This is different from the writing task. If the purpose of our study is to learn about what led a country to its current 'free' status, then we must study a nation that is currently free. In this sense, only the history of free nations is worthy of study. Studying the history of the United States in this instance would prove useful for our purposes. On the other hand, if the purpose of our study was to determin what prevents societies from becoming 'free', we would want to explore a nation that has yet to attain 'freedom'. In the case of Libya, we see a nation that is currently struggling for freedom. While there has been progress made, Libya has yet to achieve the status of a 'free' nation. Thus, the purpose of the study in question determines what historical examples we must explore.

Here the resolution principle lacks depth and elegance. The argument is a bit too simplistic and pretty much boils down to:

If we want to study how to attain freedom we must look at a free country (this is obvious).

If we want to understand the factors that prevent a free society then we must study a country that is not free (also obvious).

You want to identify a factor within the examples that makes them different to separate them. Here your factor does not relate to the examples themselves.

 

 

Overall Mark: 3.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately an O )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3.5 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is completely addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 4

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5

[RaymondPrep101]

Advances in communication have led to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Describe a specific situation in which an advance in communication might not lead to a loss of personal privacy. Discuss what you think determines when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Instructions

In 30 minutes, write an essay for the prompt and instructions above and post your essay in this thread.

 

Use the Notepad accessory on your computer so word processing functions are turned off.

 

Note: Do not read other essays replying to this prompt on the forum until after you have written and submitted your own essay.

 

Deadline

11:59pm Thursday, April 5.

 

Essays posted after the deadline will not be scored but a new Prompt will be posted on Friday, April 6.

[Prof.A.DumbleDore]

Advances in communication have led to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Describe a specific situation in which an advance in communication might not lead to a loss of personal privacy. Discuss what you think determines when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

The current neoteric era is characterized by monumental developments in technological innovation and knowledge occurring at a blinding pace. Recent developments in communications technology have allowed people across the entire world to communicate and share large amounts of information within seconds. However, some critics are urging caution and restraint as such accessibility can lead to an invasion of privacy. For example, recently a major scandal occurred when celebrities and senior government officials were victims of a tabloid phone hacking scandal. The news agency, owned by R. Murdoch, has been accused utilizing technology to access private information and then release it to the public as sensational news. A pleasant surprise to many, as the victims testified in court that only a very few people knew of such information and believed the only way the tabloid could have known was through phone tapping.

 

While, the advancements of communication technology may have allowed new avenues of privacy invasion, several advances in communication technology have led to greater protection of personal information. An example has been found in the introduction of identity protection technology in a variety of devices. This technology, which was formerly extremely expensive and generally used exclusively in the military and rich, is now used extensively in everyday applications. For example, finger printing and facial identification technology is now utilized in laptops and phones. This enables the user highly personalized security. An improvement over past methods such as an user-typed password which could be hacked or falsified.

 

Improvements in communication technology have been enormous and at times, as exemplified by British tabloids, can be utilized to access private information. However, advancements in communication technology may also lead to greater security, at a lower cost, for everyone. This is demonstrated as the wide-spread introduction of finger-printing and facial recognition security software in a variety of everyday devices, such as laptops. When the technological innovation is in the hands of paparazzi, whose very job description is characterized by the invasion of personal privacy, it is likely to lead to unethical journalistic practices. On the contrary, communication technology for the general public, spurred by a greater demand for personal protection, has led to lower costs and greater access for the everyday citizen to advanced communication technology.

 

BTW: Thanks Raymond!!

[Enviro_4_Medschool]

Communication in a simplistic sense is the transmission of information, or thoughts from one source to another. With the advent of electronic or automated mediums such as t.v.'s, printing presses, and the internet, communication has proliferated to many regions that were not previously accessible in comparison to a more archaic communication system such as word-of-mouth. Personal privacy is the concept that one's life is not publically available and that the concept of the private domain is not transmitted into a public sphere. However, with increased ease of communication through advancements in technology there has been an unprecedented mingling and convergence of the public and private domains. It is this risk of the private life may be transmitted into the public sphere that has led many to question whether personal privacy has been sacrificed because of increased accessibility and range of communication mediums.

 

Just because there is a risk does not guarantee that personal privacy is always lost in order to transmit information. A classic example is the Crimean War, where journalists on the front field were able to report the actions on the front field and the command chain was broken. Generals were now able to learn what was happening by reading the newspaper rather than getting a report from their Lieutenant, who may have gotten it from the Sub-lieutenant, who may have received his information from a Private etc. There was no loss of personal privacy but there was an advancement in the way information was communicated. Other more modern examples are online free encyclopedias such as Wikipedia. Information or ideas may be conveyed and communicated from the author to the reader but there is no personal privacy invasion. Similarly, mediums such as Twitter allowed for the coordination of the Arab Spring and eventual overthrow of dictatorships in many Arab countries.

 

However, as mentioned previously because of the increased ease to transmit information, the public and private domains have been blurred somewhat through advancements in technology. A recent example is Vik Toews, a Canadian MP who had the details of his divorce leaked to the Media by an unknown source. This would not have been as noticeable on such a widespread scale without the use of social networking devices such as Twitter and Facebook. Ironically, the release of his information was due to a protest by Hacktivists trying to ban an Online Surveillance bill that would allow user's internet information to be accessible to the police without a warrant. It instances such as this that suggest that personal privacy might become a thing of the past because society has advanced communication systems.

 

If the simplistic definition that communication is a means of transmit information from one source to another is employed, then personal privacy breaches are a matter of context and will. The advancement may help increase the accessibility of knowledge about things and events which lead to no personal privacy issues;conversely, there may be a willful attempt to uncover another person's private life which is more easily accomplished with the use of advanced technological mediums. Certainly, advancements in communication have increased the risk of personal information being leaked without consent, but the advancement itself is not the determining factor on whether such an event will happen or not.

 

----

 

Thanks for doing the edits and critique!

[KatMatt]

Advances in communication have led to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Contemporary society boasts marvelous communications advances that have improved users’ lives exponentially in terms of connectedness, convenience, and speed. While many of these advances in communication have come with considerable controversy in terms of technology users’ right to personal privacy, others have improved personal privacy. Consider, for example, the transition from using telegraph to fax to transmit an immediate message. In the past, users wanting to send a relatively immediate message across the world had to rely on telegraph service. This necessitated the employment of at least one, and sometimes more, intermediaries. Message senders had to go to the telegraph office and provide their message to the telegraph operator to transmit, leading to a necessary loss of privacy. However, upon the advent of the fax machine, individuals were able to send messages from their home or office directly to the recipient’s home or office. While it was possible that some third party intercepted the message before the intended recipient, precautions could be taken to ensure only the sender and receiver saw the message. Indeed, the fax machine offered much more privacy than the telegraph.

 

However, advances in communications don’t always lead to improvements in personal privacy, and sometimes the opposite occurs. The social media website Facebook provides a good example of a situation in which advances in communication have lead to a loss of personal privacy. Facebook collects personal information from users, such as their computer search histories, age, and relationship status, under the auspices of providing their users with a better service. They then tailor the content users see based on the information collected. For example, recently my Facebook page began displaying advertisements for cures for arthritis, a condition my husband suffers from. When my husband conducted keyword searches for arthritis on our shared computer, Facebook collected the information and has begun tailoring the content it shows me based on this search.

 

In my mind, the way in which Facebook utilizes personal information has led to a loss of personal privacy, and is a step in the wrong direction. This is especially pertinent considering recent media coverage indicating some employers are demanding potential employees allow them access to their Facebook profiles. While arthritis is not a particularly stigmatized condition, had a user search for a more sensitive term, such as “HIV,” resulted in content targeted at HIV positive-persons, this could have significantly negative consequences for the user, especially if the profile was seen by an employer. While Facebook represents a significant communication advance in terms of providing real time communication and sharing among friends, it has also raises a number of issues that we don’t yet have a policy or legal framework to effectively deal with. For communication advances to maintain personal privacy, the speed of public policy and law revisions must move at an equally fast pace as that of emerging communication technologies.

[RaymondPrep101]

Prof.A.DumbleDore

 

The current neoteric era is characterized by monumental developments in technological innovation and knowledge occurring at a blinding pace. Recent developments in communications technology have allowed people across the entire world to communicate and share large amounts of information within seconds. However, some critics are urging caution and restraint as such accessibility can lead to an invasion of privacy. For example, recently a major scandal occurred when celebrities and senior government officials were victims of a tabloid phone hacking scandal. The news agency, owned by R. Murdoch, has been accused of utilizing technology to access private information and then release it to the public as sensational news. A pleasant surprise to many, as the victims testified in court is that only a very few people knew of such information and believed the only way the tabloid could have known was through phone tapping. How is this a pleasant surprise? You should have a concluding sentence to tie your points back to addressing the writing task.

This example is very good. However, it could use more elaboration and be more focused on addressing the writing task.

 

While, the advancements of communication technology may have allowed new avenues of privacy invasion, several advances in communication technology have led to greater protection of personal information. An example has been found in the introduction of identity protection technology in a variety of devices. This technology, which was formerly extremely expensive and generally used exclusively in the military and by the rich, is now used extensively in everyday applications. For example, finger printing and facial identification technology is now utilized in laptops and phones. This enables the user highly personalized security. An improvement over past methods such as an user-typed password which could be hacked or falsified. This example is great. It has more relevant details than your last example. Again, a concluding sentence would have sealed the deal.

 

Improvements in communication technology have been enormous and at times, as exemplified by British tabloids, can be utilized to access private information. However, advancements in communication technology may also lead to greater security, at a lower cost, for everyone. This is demonstrated as the wide-spread introduction of finger-printing and facial recognition security software in a variety of everyday devices, such as laptops. When the technological innovation is in the hands of paparazzi, whose very job description is characterized by the invasion of personal privacy, it is likely to lead to unethical journalistic practices. On the contrary, communication technology for the general public, spurred by a greater demand for personal protection, has led to lower costs and greater access for the everyday citizen to advanced communication technology.

The resolution paragraph is the weakest part of your essay. There is a standard format that should be followed to better organize your ideas. Your resolution is okay but lacks depth. Your conditions are too narrow and apply only to your examples. A strong resolution principle can be applied to other examples and provides an elegant rule for deciding when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Overall, worlds better than your first essay.

 

Overall Mark: 4/6 (Corresponds to approximately a P)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 4 Supporting task is adequately addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is weakly addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 3.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[RaymondPrep101]

Enviro_4_Medschool

 

 

Communication in a simplistic sense is the transmission of information, or thoughts from one source to another. With the advent of electronic or automated mediums such as t.v.'s, printing presses, and the internet, communication has proliferated to many regions that were not previously accessible in comparison to a more archaic communication system such as word-of-mouth. Personal privacy is the concept that one's life is not publically available and that the concept of the private domain is not transmitted into a public sphere. However, with increased ease of communication through advancements in technology there has been an unprecedented mingling and convergence of the public and private domains. It is this risk of the private life may be transmitted into the public sphere that has led many to question whether personal privacy has been sacrificed because of increased accessibility and range of communication mediums.

Right off the bat, I am noticing that the conventional 3 paragraph format for the writing sample essay is not being followed. The 3 paragraph format is the accepted gold standard because it is the most effective for addressing all of the writing tasks. Given this, it should be followed for all of your essays.

Here in this introduction, you have a number of useful definitions. However, despite its length, it does not move forward with addressing the writing task. In other words, a lot is written but not a lot is said.

Just because there is a risk does not guarantee that personal privacy is always lost in order to transmit information. A classic example is the Crimean War, where journalists on the front field were able to report the actions on the front field repetitive and the command chain was broken. Generals were now able to learn what was happening by reading the newspaper rather than getting a report from their Lieutenant, who may have gotten it from the Sub-lieutenant, who may have received his information from a Private etc. There was no loss of personal privacy but there was an advancement in the way information was communicated. Other more modern examples are online free encyclopedias such as Wikipedia. Information or ideas may be conveyed and communicated from the author to the reader but there is no personal privacy invasion. Similarly, mediums such as Twitter allowed for the coordination of the Arab Spring and eventual overthrow of dictatorships in many Arab countries.

There are a few issues:

1) The paragraphs need to be ordered properly because that is what the marker will be expecting. The order of the paragraphs is supporting paragraph, refuting paragraph, resolution paragraph.

2) Multiple examples may seem better but what you are aiming for is one well developed example. Three less developed examples is worse than one well developed example.

3) The examples here lack depth.

However, as mentioned previously because of the increased ease to transmit information, the public and private domains have been blurred somewhat through advancements in technology. A recent example is Vik Toews, a Canadian MP who had the details of his divorce leaked to the Media by an unknown source. This would not have been as noticeable on such a widespread scale without the use of social networking devices such as Twitter and Facebook. Ironically, the release of his information was due to a protest by Hacktivists trying to ban an Online Surveillance bill that would allow user's internet information to be accessible to the police without a warrant. It instances such as this that suggest that personal privacy might become a thing of the past because society has advanced communication systems.

This is a great example. This is much better than your previous example.

 

If the simplistic definition that communication is a means of transmit information from one source to another is employed, then personal privacy breaches are a matter of context and will. The advancement may help increase the accessibility of knowledge about things and events which lead to no personal privacy issues;conversely, there may be a willful attempt to uncover another person's private life which is more easily accomplished with the use of advanced technological mediums. Certainly, advancements in communication have increased the risk of personal information being leaked without consent, but the advancement itself is not the determining factor on whether such an event will happen or not.

This discussion does not address the resolution task which is:

Discuss what you think determines when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Overall, there is an unfamiliarity with the writing sample, its standard format and how to address the writing tasks. I would recommend starting with the basics and reading up on these things for the next essay.

 

Overall Mark: 2.5/6 (Corresponds to approximately a M)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 2.5 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is not addressed.

Depth: 3

Focus and coherence: 3

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5

[RaymondPrep101]

KatMatt

 

Contemporary society boasts marvelous communications advances that have improved users’ lives exponentially in terms of connectedness, convenience, and speed. While many of these advances in communication have come with considerable controversy in terms of technology users’ right to personal privacy, others have improved personal privacy For your supporting paragraph, you are only suppose to argue one side. This line is better reserved for the resolution paragraph. Consider, for example, the transition from using telegraph to fax to transmit an immediate message. In the past, users wanting to send a relatively immediate message across the world had to rely on telegraph service. This necessitated the employment of at least one, and sometimes more, intermediaries. Message senders had to go to the telegraph office and provide their message to the telegraph operator to transmit, leading to a necessary loss of privacy. However, upon the advent of the fax machine, individuals were able to send messages from their home or office directly to the recipient’s home or office. While it was possible that some third party intercepted the message before the intended recipient, precautions could be taken to ensure only the sender and receiver saw the message. Indeed, the fax machine offered much more privacy than the telegraph.

This is an excellent example for your refuting paragraph. A concluding sentence would be nice, tying your discussion back to addressing the writing task.

 

You should follow the standard order of paragraphs for the writing sample: Supporting paragraph, refuting paragraph and then resolution paragraph. This is how the prompt is structured and is what your marker will be expecting.

 

However, advances in communications don’t always lead to improvements in personal privacy, and sometimes the opposite occurs. The social media website Facebook provides a good example of a situation in which advances in communication have lead to a loss of personal privacy. Facebook collects personal information from users, such as their computer search histories, age, and relationship status, under the auspices of providing their users with a better service. They then tailor the content users see based on the information collected. For example, recently my Facebook page began displaying advertisements for cures for arthritis, a condition my husband suffers from. When my husband conducted keyword searches for arthritis on our shared computer, Facebook collected the information and has begun tailoring the content it shows me based on this search. This example is excellent. Again, you need to bring the discussion back to addressing the writing task. The writing sample is a formal essay, so I would recommend not including personal stories. The idea from the personal story is excellent, but could have easily been discussed from a non-personal perspective.

 

In my mind avoid personal pronouns. The essay should have a more formal style. By stating "in my mind", you are actually weakening your own argument. , the way in which Facebook utilizes personal information has led to a loss of personal privacy, and is a step in the wrong direction. This is especially pertinent considering recent media coverage indicating some employers are demanding potential employees allow them access to their Facebook profiles. While arthritis is not a particularly stigmatized condition, had a user search for a more sensitive term, such as “HIV,” resulted in content targeted at HIV positive-persons, this could have significantly negative consequences for the user, especially if the profile was seen by an employer. While Facebook represents a significant communication advance in terms of providing real time communication and sharing among friends, it has also raises a number of issues that we don’t yet have a policy or legal framework to effectively deal with. For communication advances to maintain personal privacy, the speed of public policy and law revisions must move at an equally fast pace as that of emerging communication technologies.

This discussion is off-topic. It does not address the resolution task which is: Discuss what you think determines when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

The resolution paragraph is the weakest part of your essay. I would recommend reading up on what the resolution paragraph is looking for and follow the standard template in order to address the writing task.

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N )

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 Supporting task is well addressed. Refuting task is well addressed. Resolution task is not addressed.

Depth: 4

Focus and coherence: 2 In your resolution paragraph, your discussion just goes way off-topic.

Grammar and vocabulary: 4

[wstntime]

Advances in communication have led to a loss of personal privacy.

 

Describe a specific situation in which an advance in communication might not lead to a loss of personal privacy. Discuss what you think determines when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

In recent history, there have been significant technological advances that have created more efficient communication systems. Communication can be defined in terms of the development of a message initiated at one source or individual, directed to another source, and then recieved and interpreted by the other source or individual. Technological advances have led to global communication systems such as wireless cell phones, the internet, and improved banking systems. Personal privacy, whether physical privacy or information privacy, can potentially be violated by these advances in communication. Privacy can be viewed as being physical, such as an invasion of personal space; or informational privacy, such as gaining access to personal banking information, health records, or even internet search records. Consider a recent crime organization in Montreal, Canada that were able to get access to personal banking PIN codes, as well as information from the data strip in these cards, through undetectable devices at bank mnachines. This information was then used to mass-produce hundreds of "copies" of personal bank cards. The strategy was to have several memebers of the ring all stationed at different bank machines all across Canada, and at a specified time, each would withdraw $500 from each account. Most of these withdrawals would not be flagged, and the crime organization could disappear with the money and then destroy the copied cards. In this example, personal privacy was infringed upon as a direct result of advances in communication technology.

 

On the other hand, we may view communication in terms of a non-human source. Consider advances in biological cell messaging systems that have positively benefitted society through the development of pharmaceutical products. Insulin sensitizing drugs, called thiazolidenediones, function to modify the intracellular signalling cascade, ultimately leading to improved glucose up-take, decreased insulin resistance, and lower blood sugar levels in diabetic patients. Advances in this messaging system, and development of this pharmaceutical product, has not lead to a loss of personal privacy.

 

It is evident that advances in communication systems could lead to loss of personal privacy, but it is also true that advances in communication may not. The determining factor of when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy is whether we are analyzing human communication or non-human communication. In the first example of the development of human communication systems, we can see that personal privacy, whether physical of informational, could be violated. More and more personal information is being stored in databases which could be accessed with the development of new technology. As a matter of fact, this becomes more evident when we consider that anti-hacking systems have to keep up in order to prevent access to these databases. If we apply this principle to the second scenario, it is clear that technological advances in non-human communication have relatively no impact on the social issues around protection of personal privacy. The question then becomes, can insight into non-human communication, such as cell signalling mechanisms give us insight on how to develop future human communication systems?

[RaymondPrep101]

durabol

 

In recent history, there have been significant technological advances that have created more efficient communication systems. Communication can be defined in terms of the development of a message initiated at one source or individual, directed to another source, and then recieved and interpreted by the other source or individual. Try to simplify your definitions. The way this is described hurts the clarity of your writing. Technological advances have led to global communication systems such as wireless cell phones, the internet, and improved banking systems. Personal privacy, whether physical privacy or information privacy, can potentially be violated by these advances in communication. Privacy can be viewed as being physical, such as an invasion of personal space; or informational privacy, such as gaining access to personal banking information, health records, or even internet search records. Consider a recent crime organization in Montreal, Canada that were able to get access to personal banking PIN codes, as well as information from the data strip in these cards, through undetectable devices at bank mnachines. This information was then used to mass-produce hundreds of "copies" of personal bank cards. The strategy was to have several memebers of the ring all stationed at different bank machines all across Canada, and at a specified time, each would withdraw $500 from each account. Most of these withdrawals would not be flagged, and the crime organization could disappear with the money and then destroy the copied cards. In this example, personal privacy was infringed upon as a direct result of advances in communication technology.

This example is okay. However, it is not great because it has less to due with communication. I feel the example is a bit stretched and does not fit neatly here to get at the essence of the prompt.

On the other hand, we may view communication in terms of a non-human source. Consider advances in biological cell messaging systems that have positively benefitted society through the development of pharmaceutical products. Insulin sensitizing drugs, called thiazolidenediones, function to modify the intracellular signalling cascade, ultimately leading to improved glucose up-take, decreased insulin resistance, and lower blood sugar levels in diabetic patients. Advances in this messaging system, and development of this pharmaceutical product, has not lead to a loss of personal privacy.

It is good to display creativity and think outside of the box. However, there is a difference between being clever in your arguments and taking it too far and not getting at the essence of the prompt.

 

It is evident that advances in communication systems could lead to loss of personal privacy, but it is also true that advances in communication may not. The determining factor of when advances in communication lead to a loss of personal privacy is whether we are analyzing human communication or non-human communication. In the first example of the development of human communication systems, we can see that personal privacy, whether physical of informational, could be violated. More and more personal information is being stored in databases which could be accessed with the development of new technology. As a matter of fact, this becomes more evident when we consider that anti-hacking systems have to keep up in order to prevent access to these databases. If we apply this principle to the second scenario, it is clear that technological advances in non-human communication have relatively no impact on the social issues around protection of personal privacy. The question then becomes, can insight into non-human communication, such as cell signalling mechanisms give us insight on how to develop future human communication systems?

This principle works for your examples.

 

Overall, the idea is cute but cute to the point where it is not effective because it misses the "point" of the prompt.

 

What is being missed here is the fundamentals. There is an issue when there is so much focus on uniqueness that it compromises fundamentals.

 

Overall Mark: 3/6 (Corresponds to approximately a N)

Breakdown (out of 6):

Addresses tasks: 3 Supporting task is somewhat addressed. Refuting task is weakly addressed. Resolution task is adequately addressed.

Depth: 3.5

Focus and coherence: 3.5

Grammar and vocabulary: 4.5