Question for med/dent students

[Catlover159797]

Serious question here, please no forum war just good discussion.

 

Have any of you girls been in the situation where you were dating someone then you get accepted to med or dent and now you realize that you would be making more than double the salary of your bf in due time?

 

I'm very conflicted... I was accepted to one of the above faculties and now I want to do better for myself.... Why should I stay with someone who is nice but has nowhere near the life prospects?

 

Am I out of line?

 

I really want to hear what girls do in this situation. I'm not referring to guys who are the breadwinners as i feel this should be the norm ( and many studies do too).

 

Again plz no forum war!

[future_doc]

I am not bothered if a guy earns more or less than I do, it is about shared values, having common interests, attraction, his character, if he would be a good father and husband. Money is the last thing on my mind.

 

Perhaps you are a troll.

[Catlover159797]

I am not bothered if a guy earns more or less than I do, it is about shared values, having common interests, attraction, his character, if he would be a good father and husband. Money is the last thing on my mind.

 

Perhaps you are a troll.

 

Not a troll, just wanted to hear other people's opinions. Thanks

[future_doc]

A shared life involves both parties bringing something to the table. Obviously, one will earn more than the other. Although for many, it may be a power game, it isn't for me. We all are different. To each their own. Aside from having a prenup, it is unimportant.

 

I know of many successful marriages where the female is the financial heavy hitter.

[deadlybutterfly]

I feel sorry for your significant other right now. As mentioned above, talking like this just indicates a lot about yourself and how you feel about the relationship. Anyways, it shouldn't matter. You will realize soon enough that money isn't all that it's cut out to be. Bonds we have with others > all. If you really care about someone, it won't matter what their income is. You seem like you really care about what other people think and about your status and that you'd get embarrassed by your partner. You need to let all that garbage go.

[Doritos]

Serious question here, please no forum war just good discussion.

 

Have any of you girls been in the situation where you were dating someone then you get accepted to med or dent and now you realize that you would be making more than double the salary of your bf in due time?

 

I'm very conflicted... I was accepted to one of the above faculties and now I want to do better for myself.... Why should I stay with someone who is nice but has nowhere near the life prospects?

 

Am I out of line?

 

I really want to hear what girls do in this situation. I'm not referring to guys who are the breadwinners as i feel this should be the norm ( and many studies do too).

 

Again plz no forum war!

You can try to find a guy who will make more money but what if hes a douche and doesnt love you as much as your actual bf?

I think that if money makes you hesitate about your bf it means you are not really in love with him

you could be with a guy making 100k+ but who could be so cheap you wont even feel the "life prospects"

 

people nowadays make 4-5 years uni and end up with a 45k-75k salary

not because you are lucky to do 100k+ means you should crap on MOST people "life prospects"

[Lactic Folly]

I wonder if part of the OP's concern is about motivation in general (how else would you know someone's life prospects this early on?) and that there is some lack of shared values/vision going forward. However the inclusion of salary and concerns about "doing better" have caused a reaction of distaste, not unexpectedly.

[feversugar]

I have had this argument with my parents more times than I can count. It all comes down to what you want and what your expectations are.

 

Ask yourself questions and answer them honestly:

Why would you need to be with someone that makes more money than you? What does it bring you and what difference does it make? (not saying it's wrong because you might have a valid reason)

Do you believe your success has to be compared with that of your spouse?

In my case, my success is my own doing and is independent of who I am with. I don't care if you make more money or less money, I will be proud of what I make because I earned it.

 

Secondly, you must reflect on your significant other.

Does he/she have a problem with this?

Is he/she the kind to be passive aggressive about it?

Can he/she live with this?

 

Not to mention with how busy your career will be, I personally find it comforting to know that my boyfriend will have a less demanding job so he can fill the gaps I am unable to (i.e. take care of the kids, spend more time with me...). There is no point in being with someone even more busy and successful than you if you're not going to "be" with them at all.

[CapillaryWave]

An accurate response largely depends on your lifestyle and values. However, I do think you would have been aware of such things before ever getting involved with your boyfriend.

 

Personally, I don't want a significant other to share any part of my life with, none the less financial concerns. However, in a hypothetical world, money would only concern me if it was made to be an issue. Would I necessarily care if he made less than me? I'm not sure, it would really depend on how much less, because at some point we're going to have vastly different lifestyles. I plan to live within my means when it comes to the basics (i.e. house, vehicle, etc), since I think it'd be great not to have a mortgage or any sort of debt. But, I do have expensive hobbies and interests, so I don't see myself being with someone who couldn't afford to participate. All and all though, nothing I "like" demands a six figure salary, per say, so I think my financial concerns would be minimal... But thank goodness, I don't have to deal with any of that.

[Birdy]

It is increasingly common that women out earn their husbands. It's not really that big of a deal anymore.

 

I've been married almost seven years now, and there have been times I have earned more than my husband, and times he has earned more than me (including times he fully supported the family.) It is highly unlikely his income will match what my future income will be if I get into med, and this is a subject we've talked about before. It does not bother either of us.

 

It is awfully snobby to consider dumping someone just because you will make more than them. My husband was earning a whole $10.65 an hour when I met him. He is the best partner I could ever have hoped to find. He is an incredible husband, a wonderful father, and those things have absolutely nothing to do with what he earns.

 

If your earning potential relative to your partner's bothers you that much, do the guy a favour and break it off so he can find someone who loves him for who he is.

[futureGP]

If your relationship makes it through med/dent school, then he'll be worth a lot more to you than his potential income.

 

If you aren't a troll and actually about to start med/dent school, then it's going to be a good 4-7+ years before you even start making a good income and A LOT happens in a relationship over 4-7+ years.

 

That said, if you're even thinking about dumping your boyfriend because you're going to make more money than him at some point in the future, then it doesn't sound like you're particularly serious about him anyway, so it's pretty much a non issue.

 

+++++++100

 

agreed

 

obvi OP isn't serious about the relationship so might as well break up and save the guy the misery

[uwodesperate]

Let's say, hypothetically, you went ahead with the breakup and then later on, found the one that earns a lot more than you. Everything is rainbows and butterflies and you finally feel that life is perfect and things couldn't be any better until a very attractive girl, who earns more than you, comes into the sight of your boyfriend and he begins to feel the same way you are feeling right now. How would you feel? What I am trying to get at is you can't possibly have everything in life. Sure everyone wants to meet the opposite sex with attractive looks, respectable profession, and high income and so on, but life doesn't work that way. If you start quantifying and comparing every little thing you will never be able to find the one.

 

Relevantly, one of my best friend was in the same dilemma a couple of years ago. She actually went ahead with the breakup and eventually found the one with higher income and so on. Unsurprisingly, the relationship didn't last too long because the guy quickly jumped ships once a girl with better "specs" came into his radar. Moral of the story is follow your heart and not what you or others might see.

[Exocytosis]

I'm not referring to guys who are the breadwinners as i feel this should be the norm ( and many studies do too).

 

I would like you to cite those studies please.

[feversugar]

I know I have already posted but I just wanted to ask the op, if they're still around, some questions out of curiosity. I am not trying to attack you or anything, i am genuinely curious.

 

I can understand how this can be a concern for GUYS, having their wives make more than them, because of the social stigma concerning the issue (which I do not agree with, but must still admit sometimes exists). I would love to chalk it up to some "macho guy" thing, but it's so complex and such simplification is not fair.

 

I just don't understand why YOU would have a problem with it. I don't understand, do you WANT to feel "inferior"? When comparing two people on one aspect alone (in this case salary), one will always come up on top. Why would you purposely put yourself at the bottom, when life has made it so that you ended up in a relationship with a person that happens to make less money?

[telomerase]

I think a lot of it is cultural as well and also depends on the family in which you were raised...values you grew up with...etc etc..i can see how if you were raised in a family where dad was the main breadwinner, you may forever have the expectation that this should ideally be the case....kind of normal i guess...

[CapillaryWave]

I know I have already posted but I just wanted to ask the op, if they're still around, some questions out of curiosity. I am not trying to attack you or anything, i am genuinely curious.

 

I can understand how this can be a concern for GUYS, having their wives make more than them, because of the social stigma concerning the issue (which I do not agree with, but must still admit sometimes exists). I would love to chalk it up to some "macho guy" thing, but it's so complex and such simplification is not fair.

 

I just don't understand why YOU would have a problem with it. I don't understand, do you WANT to feel "inferior"? When comparing two people on one aspect alone (in this case salary), one will always come up on top. Why would you purposely put yourself at the bottom, when life has made it so that you ended up in a relationship with a person that happens to make less money?

 

Although, as previously stated, I don't think finances would be an issue in unto themselves. There is something to be said for wanting a man who is actually filling the role. Just from my own perspective, I like the idea of actually being feminine in a relationship. Where I might actually have the opportunity to nurture, encourage, and defer to someone I trust on a daily basis. Nothing sounds more unappealing than having to play both sides of a relationship. And as a future surgeon, it'd be pretty easy to end up as both the main provider and the emotional support system for the entire relationship.

[Catlover159797]

I know I have already posted but I just wanted to ask the op, if they're still around, some questions out of curiosity. I am not trying to attack you or anything, i am genuinely curious.

 

I can understand how this can be a concern for GUYS, having their wives make more than them, because of the social stigma concerning the issue (which I do not agree with, but must still admit sometimes exists). I would love to chalk it up to some "macho guy" thing, but it's so complex and such simplification is not fair.

 

I just don't understand why YOU would have a problem with it. I don't understand, do you WANT to feel "inferior"? When comparing two people on one aspect alone (in this case salary), one will always come up on top. Why would you purposely put yourself at the bottom, when life has made it so that you ended up in a relationship with a person that happens to make less money?

 

Very interesting point you made, yes i am still around so I will answer your question.

 

Some have suggested that this is also based on different family values; I was raised in a family were the man is the breadwinner and this does seem normal to me.

 

What bothers me with someone making MUCH LESS (I'm okay with a bit less, but a hundred thousand less or more is wayyy too much of a difference) is that I lose respect for the man who is supposed to take care of his family.

 

I'm not thinking about myself but rather thinking about any future kids-I would be working so hard and not seeing them-I would want my husband to make enough to support us so that I can take some leave and spend time with my children.

 

These are my values, it really bothers me to take care of a man.

 

Anyone understand what I'm saying?

[AsYouWish]

I totally understand what you're saying!!

I was raised in a family where my mom is a stay at home mom, so it feels strangely novel to me that I will actually be working at all.

But I can totally relate to what you're going through. My boyfriend (high school sweetheart) has absolutely no motivation when it comes to school. Or rather, he wants to be "successful" but isn't doing anything to make it happen. He gets high daily, walks out of final exams 30 minutes in, doesn't study or go to class much and he's failed courses before. And through all this, he keeps saying how he wants to be successful. We've had more fights about this than I can relate, and I always try to snap him out of his delusion...and the worst part is, I think he understands, but just isn't willing to make a change.

But this puts me in a huge dilemma because he loves me more than anything and would probably take a bullet for me. He's the most supportive and nurturing and caring person I've ever met, so it's really heartbreaking that we are so incompatible intellectually and in terms of ambition/motivation....and for me, that's a deal breaker....I just don't know how I can end a 4 year long relationship.

[ralk]

Very interesting point you made, yes i am still around so I will answer your question.

 

Some have suggested that this is also based on different family values; I was raised in a family were the man is the breadwinner and this does seem normal to me.

 

What bothers me with someone making MUCH LESS (I'm okay with a bit less, but a hundred thousand less or more is wayyy too much of a difference) is that I lose respect for the man who is supposed to take care of his family.

 

I'm not thinking about myself but rather thinking about any future kids-I would be working so hard and not seeing them-I would want my husband to make enough to support us so that I can take some leave and spend time with my children.

 

These are my values, it really bothers me to take care of a man.

 

Anyone understand what I'm saying?

 

Ask yourself this - how much money does it take to care for a family? Is your partner making that much, or at least a respectable portion of that?

 

If so, then he IS doing is part to care for your family. Yes, you will likely make much more money than him, but that's because you'll be making so much, not necessarily because he's making too little. Many families get by with a fraction of what a physician or dentist makes, on two incomes.

 

Basically, pretend you weren't going to be a doctor or a dentist, that you had a job with a more typical pay, or you chose to be a stay-at-home Mom. Would your partner be able to keep you in a reasonable home with reasonable comforts? If not, then you would be taking care of him and that may be a legitimate concern. If he could keep you in a comfortable lifestyle in that situation, then it is your expectations, and not his abilities, which may be the issue here.

[deadlybutterfly]

Very interesting point you made, yes i am still around so I will answer your question.

 

Some have suggested that this is also based on different family values; I was raised in a family were the man is the breadwinner and this does seem normal to me.

 

What bothers me with someone making MUCH LESS (I'm okay with a bit less, but a hundred thousand less or more is wayyy too much of a difference) is that I lose respect for the man who is supposed to take care of his family.

 

I'm not thinking about myself but rather thinking about any future kids-I would be working so hard and not seeing them-I would want my husband to make enough to support us so that I can take some leave and spend time with my children.

 

These are my values, it really bothers me to take care of a man.

 

Anyone understand what I'm saying?

 

Much less? I did my Masters in Geochemistry. I've had many classmates of mine get jobs with their environmental science degrees/masters/ various environmental scientists and they are strictly doing it because they want to make a difference for the environment. My bright classmates who I graduated with will be lucky to hit 70k/year in this field, but they are doing something they are passionate about and wish to make a legit difference in the environmental field. As a doctor, you can easily make 100k/year more than someone like this. If you have a partner like this who is working hard about something he is passionate about (and probably doing it for better reasons than you) then how can you be disappointed with them? That is a joke.

[telomerase]

I feel like this discussion is very personal. Everyone has their own standards! For me, as long as my significant other is not a loser (by my standards), then I am happy! Fortunately, by my standards, no amount of money will save someone from being a complete loser!!! You can be a neurosurgeon making 7 figures and still be a complete loser! Personality is where it is at!!!!