tooty Posted June 23, 2008 Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 I found this in my inbox. I think I took it from a thread on studentdoctor.net a couple years ago. Enjoy. ========== Let me preface this, before there is the typical huge uproar from the nursing population, that the vast majority of nurses excel at what they do. This is not meant to be mean or condescending in any way, shape or form. That being said, I got a page last night at 345am that I have to share. Pager goes off: 14520 (Constant Care floor) Me (who was trying to close my eyes before the morning labs start coming back and the barrage of pages ensues) calls back. Me: Hello? Nurse: Yes, are you the orthopedic resident on call? Me: Yes. Nurse: Well, your patient in 523 is not eating. Me: Why would he be eating at 3 in the morning? Nurse: I woke him up because he didn't eat his dinner last night and asked him why. He said he hated our food, and also would not eat breakfast unless we had pancakes. I called the cafeteria and they said they don't have pancakes. What should I do? Me (blood pressure rising): Let me get this straight. Are you calling me at 345AM . . . for pancakes? Nurse: Yes. Me: utter silence . . . and then hangs up in disbelief. ========== Finally getting some sleep. Pager goes off: Nurse: "Can you write an order for a sleeping pill for Mr. Smith?" Me: "Ok, what does he usually take at home." Nurse: "I don't know, he's asleep." ========== Pager goes off (about 9pm) Me: Hello? Nurse on ortho floor: Are you on call for orthopedics? Me: Yes. Nurse: I have problem with hip fracture you just admitted. Me: What's up? Nurse: Well . . . are you aware that this man has had a full erection since he came up to the floor? Me: Are you ****'in me? Nurse: No, I'm not. Me: 'be down in a second. Walk downstairs to find that guy lying in bed, asleep (after a total of 4 of dilauded courtsey of the ER), with a full freakin' erection. I'm thinkin' . . . what the hell? Call his much younger wife from the cafeteria, who comes up to the floor giggling. Turns out he has an inflatable internal penis prostheses, and she thought it would be hilarous to inflate it and go gets some dinner. Unbelievable. Her husband (or should I say sugar daddy) is lying in bed with a displaced hip fracture, and she gives him a boner and walks away? I don't even have the words . . . ========== An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation: He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door, and falling unconscious to the floor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avenir001 Posted June 23, 2008 Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 lmaooo..those are hilarious, thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Byrne Posted June 23, 2008 Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 HAHAHA, thanks for the laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
n00b Posted April 5, 2009 Report Share Posted April 5, 2009 HAHAHAHAHhahahahah this is amazing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jochi1543 Posted April 5, 2009 Report Share Posted April 5, 2009 May I add? (available on multiple websites) The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals: "The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately." (my second favorite ) "The skin was moist and dry." "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better." "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." "On the second day knee was better; on the third day it had completely disappeared." "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing." "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed." "Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Patient needs disposition; therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him." "Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful." "The patient refused an autopsy." "The patient has no past history of suicides." "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully." (my favorite ) "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital." "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree." "Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities." "Patient's history is insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days." "The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints." "She is numb from her toes down." "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home." "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches." "Patient was alert and unresponsive." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jochi1543 Posted April 5, 2009 Report Share Posted April 5, 2009 "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." I write sh!t like that in my PCRs all the time....lol. "Pt complains of hip pain while walking for 2 years," etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
n00b Posted April 6, 2009 Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 writing notes on your polymerase chain reactions, eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jochi1543 Posted April 6, 2009 Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 writing notes on your polymerase chain reactions, eh? No, my patient care reports. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewfieMike Posted April 6, 2009 Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 both of these posts absolutely made my day! Mental note: If I ever make it to a health profession, double check what I write... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMmd Posted April 6, 2009 Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home." hahahaha that's my kind of exam! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skvangs Posted April 6, 2009 Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 way too f.u.c.k.i.n.g funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhh my tummy hurts from laughing so much. My roommate now thinks I am even more of an weirdo, for laughing so randomly. He doesn't think this s.h.i.t. is funny, poor guy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooty Posted February 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 bump . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Ace of Spades Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 "The patient has no past history of suicides." Good thing, because you can be arrested for committing suicide! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leon Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 bump . priceless, thanks for numping! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juice Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 priceless, thanks for numping! no need to thank, numping is a privilege. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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