Writing sample feedback!

[Swagga]

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone could take a look at one of my writing samples, just need some feedback to be sure I'm on the right track. Thanks!

 

A country needs enemies, real or imagined, in order to maintain its identity.

Describe a specific situation in which a country might not need an enemy in order to maintain its identity. Discuss what you think determines whether the existence of enemies is necessary for a country to maintain its identity.

 

Throughout history, every nation in the world has struggled to find a particular trait that identifies them as unique amongst the hundreds of other nations in the world; this is the identity of a nation. However, traits that identify a particular nation as unique is often a target of hostility by other nations, effectively creating an enemy of the state. Take for example, the case of North Korea and the relationship it has established with South Korea. North Korea is a totalitarian state that often prides itself in its differences from its neighbor, South Korea. Traits such as military might are often used by North Korea as a marker of distinction from its neighbor. Although North Korea considers South Korea as an enemy to its existence, without South Korea, North Korea would have trouble maintaining its identity as a nation priding itself on military might; since there would be no enemy, there would be no need for such large and powerful militaries. This demonstrates a situation in which a country requires a real enemy in order to maintain its unique traits that comprise its identity.

 

However, there are also times when a country does not need an enemy in order to maintain its identity. For instance, Canada is a democratic nation that prides itself in its multiculturalism policy and its open acceptance of foreign immigrants into the country. In fact, in a recent poll conducted by the Canadian Broadcasting Company, many respondents felt that Canada’s multiculturalism policy was an excellent representation of what it means “to be Canadian”. In other words, multiculturalism was an important marker of Canadian uniqueness and serves as an important trait in the composition of a “Canadian identity”. Although Canada has enemies that would threaten the existence of the nation, the country is at a relative peace. If these enemies were to disappear, the identity of Canada being an open and multicultural nation would not disappear. This clearly demonstrates a situation in which a country would not need an enemy in order to maintain its identity.

 

So what determines whether or not a nation needs enemies to maintain its identity? This depends on whether or not a country is in a state of war and instability or in a state of peace and prosperity. In the case of North Korea, the nation has been at war with South Korea for decades. During a time of conflict, comparisons are often made between the two warring nations, thus North Korea has relied on having an enemy to identify its unique traits and to maintain its identity when compared to South Korea. However, in the case of Canada where the nation has seen relative peace and prosperity, the identity of the nation does not depend on having enemies. Since there are no serious conflicts, comparisons between two warring parties cannot be made so the nation has to determine its own identity via other means such as a multiculturalism policy.

[WaveSense]

I wrote the mcat 3x and got 2T 1S.. your essay reads very well, the only thing I would say is to make it super super super obvious what your thesis is. Your last paragraph is good but a 1 sentance summary in the first paragraph would make it alot easier to read. that way the person marking will know EXACTLY what he's gonna read before he even reads it and makes marking alot easier..

 

In all my essays I used the same line: In the course of this essay, I will show that 'thesis'. Then mention your two examples and then new paragraph, first example etc etc..

 

along those same lines.. make your paragraphs more standard.. 1st paragraph intro, can be short, state your thesis, second paragraph 1 example, third paragraph 1 example, fourth paragraph conclusion and ellaboration on theis

[Addy K]

So for the conclusion do you take a side (i.e., this is why my thesis is correct) or do you just say something like it depends on this or that?

[Halcyon]

I wrote the mcat 3x and got 2T 1S.. your essay reads very well, the only thing I would say is to make it super super super obvious what your thesis is. Your last paragraph is good but a 1 sentance summary in the first paragraph would make it alot easier to read. that way the person marking will know EXACTLY what he's gonna read before he even reads it and makes marking alot easier..

 

In all my essays I used the same line: In the course of this essay, I will show that 'thesis'. Then mention your two examples and then new paragraph, first example etc etc..

 

along those same lines.. make your paragraphs more standard.. 1st paragraph intro, can be short, state your thesis, second paragraph 1 example, third paragraph 1 example, fourth paragraph conclusion and ellaboration on theis

 

To clarify what you are saying, to get an awesome score on the W sample, you have to write a very standard, almost high-school style, 5-paragraph essay?

[Octavius]

To clarify what you are saying, to get an awesome score on the W sample, you have to write a very standard, almost high-school style, 5-paragraph essay?

Yep! Three paragraphs actually, not 5. They're just looking for whether or not you can string a group of sentences together in a cohesive thought process to discuss both issues of an argument and to discern under which conditions one would be correct and the other would not. Nothing fancy. I've heard stories where people did fancy **** and didn't end up doing too well since they didn't address the problem. The AAMC are BS'able English teachers.

[Halcyon]

Yep! Three paragraphs actually, not 5. They're just looking for whether or not you can string a group of sentences together in a cohesive thought process to discuss both issues of an argument and to discern under which conditions one would be correct and the other would not. Nothing fancy. I've heard stories where people did fancy **** and didn't end up doing too well since they didn't address the problem. The AAMC are BS'able English teachers.

 

Good to know! I'm going to have to go back to high school English for this one

[Octavius]

So for the conclusion do you take a side (i.e., this is why my thesis is correct) or do you just say something like it depends on this or that?

Do not say you are correct lol. Elaborate on which situations would one situation would occur and elaborate on situations where the other ones occur. You'll also be evaluated on the merits of your argument.

[Addy K]

lol saying "this is why I am correct" would be rather funny now that I think about it... so what swagga did in his last paragraph is sufficient?

[thatonekid]

Swagga:

 

I really liked your answer to the 3rd task. I think you did a good job coming up with a reason why both sides of the argument are valid.

 

As for your writing/essay style, most of your sentences were quite long. I said this to someone else on these boards, but for some of your longer sentences, you should break it down into 2 sentences. This makes your writing flow better and appear more sophisticated. The long sentences made some parts of your essay difficult to read.

 

Also, and this is more specific to the 1st paragraph than the 2nd and 3rd, some of your sentences were repetitive. For example, you wanted to say that N.Korea and S.Korea are neighbors.

 

Your sentences: Take for example, the case of North Korea and the relationship it has established with South Korea. North Korea is a totalitarian state that often prides itself in its differences from its neighbor, South Korea. Traits such as military might are often used by North Korea as a marker of distinction from its neighbor.

 

These are good examples of short sentences, which I talked about previously, but they can seem repetitive due to word choice.

 

New sentences: Take for example, the case of the totalitarian state N. Korea and the relationship with it’s neighbor South Korea. N. Korea prides itself in its differences from S.Korea, and uses traits such as military might to mark this distinction.

 

The new sentences use less words (I went from 3 to 2 sentences) but did not lose its meaning within the essay.

 

As always, this is just my opinion and gives you something to think about.

[Swagga]

Thanks everyone for all your helpful comments.

 

Thatonekid, I actually really liked how you condensed the 3 sentences into 2, it made much more sense in my opinion as well and reading back my few sentences, they do seem a bit awkwardly placed. Thank you!

[WaveSense]

To clarify what you are saying, to get an awesome score on the W sample, you have to write a very standard, almost high-school style, 5-paragraph essay?

 

All I'm saying is that thats what I did and it worked out great for me. I dunno, when I think of myself marking these in 2 minutes or w/e they have, I want to know exactly what I'm gonna read. I don't want to go back and search for your thesis if you cleverly placed it somewhere. I want to go "Yes, theres the thesis, Yes it makes sense, Okay theres the first example, Theres the second, okay they fit with the thesis, his reasoning is sound, good essay"

[deeman101]

I noticed Swagga used 'neighbor' instead of 'neighbour' like Canadians do. Is it better to use the American spelling given that its more than likely that an American is reading it? Also the last time I wrote the MCAT I used really American political examples (JFK and the cuban missle crisis I believe). Is it more advantageous?

 

Btw I got a Q which JUST meets the cutoffs for some med schools. Looking to improve .

[Swagga]

I noticed Swagga used 'neighbor' instead of 'neighbour' like Canadians do. Is it better to use the American spelling given that its more than likely that an American is reading it? Also the last time I wrote the MCAT I used really American political examples (JFK and the cuban missle crisis I believe). Is it more advantageous?

 

Btw I got a Q which JUST meets the cutoffs for some med schools. Looking to improve .

 

I only used neighbor because I grew up in the states haha, but I think it doesn't really matter. I also tended to use much more Canadian examples because I think its more unique than the American ones that many people know about.