Prep101 (Sameer) - FREE MCAT Writing Sample Feedback Corner

[the stranger]

Hey everyone, unfortunately I won't be able to get to any more essays before the Tuesday close date. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause. I wish you all the best of luck on your MCATs. For those of you whose essays I was able to mark, please feel free to leave feedback on this thread with any comments or concerns.

 

Thanks again everyone, and all the best!

 

Take care,

 

Sameer

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Hey PreMed101,

 

This FREE MCAT Writing sample feedback corner, brought to you by Prep101, will be ending on Sept 7 (next Tuesday). I will get through as many essays as possible this weekend before the close date, and I will hopefully catch some of you whose tests are coming up soon. Feel free to post over the weekend, but I can't guarantee I'll be able to get to every single one, sorry about that.

 

Thanks for all the great responses and I really hope this has been a help to all of you. If you would like to leave feedback of any kind please feel free to post to this thread or the Prep101 feedback thread in the forum.

 

Also if anyone would like to share their WS score with me (anonymously of course) through a quick private message when you get your score, that would be great. I'd really like to know if I was able to help improve your scores with this whole exercise.

 

Take care and good luck,

 

Sameer

 

 

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Hey PreMed101,

 

This continues to be the location for my FREE Writing Sample Feedback Corner, on behalf of Prep101. For those of you that are new to this thread, Prep101 has decided to offer this completely free service to the PreMed101 community. As a PreMed101 member, you can post essays on this thread (or another thread run by another Prep101 instructor, Nadil) at any time and I will provide feedback and a score that reflects the AAMC grading criteria used by actual AAMC graders. I aim to provide you with constructive feedback and also tips/strategies for improving your MCAT writing sample technique, and I try to respond to all essays within a week (often less). You can post your essays from any prompt you wish, including from practice tests that you have completed previously.

 

I'll be continuing to provide essay feedback for the time being, and most likely for the next month or so (this depends on how many responses there are in total). Since posts pile up near test dates, if your test is coming up please try to post your essays early so that I'll have enough time to get back to you before your test, and also mention the date of your test in your post so I can be sure to respond in time. I try to be as fair as possible in getting back to people who's tests are coming up first.

 

It's great to see the improvement that a lot of you have already shown, and new posters are always welcome. Keep up the great work, and keep posting!

 

Also check out these other free resources from Prep101:

http://www.premed101.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44117

http://www.prep101.com/mcat/study_aids.html

 

Take care,

 

Sameer

 

*** Just as a note, as I have mentioned before this service is completely free for members of PreMed101, however I do get reimbursed by Prep101 for my time spent marking essays.

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(original first post)

Hi PreMed101,

 

This is the one stop location for MCAT Writing Sample Feedback from Prep101. I'll post ALL new prompts here every 5 days (July 19, 24, 29, August 3, 8), and I will include the words "newest prompt" on the most recent prompt posted (that way you can search for "newest prompt" and easily find the latest one). You can also post essays to ANY of the prompts I've posted in the past at any time, just be sure to include which prompt you're replying to in your response. Feel free to also post responses to any prompts that you choose: I'd be happy to give you some feedback on your essays to any prompt.

 

Please post all your essays to this thread, even if you're responding to one of the older prompts, or to any other prompt. That way everything will be in one place.

 

Good luck!

 

Sameer

 

Prompt #1 was

"Employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the

workplace."

 

Prompt #3 was

"In politics, the end rarely justifies the means."

 

Prompt #4 is

"Objectivity should be the primary goal in reporting the news."

[PastaInhaler]

Hey PreMed101, we've changed up how were going to do these threads: From now on I'll post all the new prompts to the thread entitled "Prep101 (Sameer) - FREE MCAT Writing Sample Feedback Corner", and you can continue to post essays from past prompts there as long as you want. Just be sure to include which prompt you're responding in your reply. I'll change the post for the newest prompt to say "newest prompt" so you can always search for that string and find the latest prompt.

 

So again, all new prompts will be posted to "Prep101 (Sameer) - FREE MCAT Writing Sample Feedback Corner", and you can still post essays to old prompts whenever you want.

 

Thanks and glad to see a lot of you posting! This is working out well so far.

 

Sameer

 

Hi PastaInhaler, check the new "Prep101 (Sameer) - FREE MCAT Writing Sample Feedback Corner" for my feedback for your essay!

 

Cool! Thanks!

 

Thanks for your help and feedback, Sameer.

 

"Education makes everyone equal."

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which education does not make everyone equal. Discuss what you think determines whether or not education makes everyone equal.

 

-=- -=- -=-

 

The quest for knowledge can come about through the transfer of information from one generation to the next, from parents to children, from instructors to trainees, and from teachers to their students. The last case is the main emphasis of formal education. As the student learns, and progresses in his studies, the teacher can reveal more knowledge to the student. Formal education usually entails transferring information from a teacher, or professor to a student, in the form of lectures and assignments or examinations. Formal education creates equality in people, bestowing at least a basic understanding of certain concepts and math and communication skills that are necessary for some basic jobs. Education allows for equality in Canada since it is mandated by law that a student shall remain in formal education up until the age of 16. In this way, people are made to have an equal exposure to learning up until the age of 16 in Canada. Certain skills in math, communication, and technical skills are taught through education this mandatory. People are equal because they will have all learned the same basic skills and have the same basic knowledge as others who have reached age 16 because of the mandatory education laws in Canada.

 

Even though students are required to have a certain minimal amount of education in Canada, students may choose to pursue whatever area of study they wish, and whether or not to continue on with postsecondary studies. In a specific case, as exemplified by level of study, education does not allow for everyone to be equal. A person who decides to pursue a M.Sc., and no further does not examine a theory in the level of depth and comprehensiveness as a student in a doctoral stream program such as a Ph.D. in the same field. The level of creativity, hard work, and intricacy and sophistication of research found in a Ph.D. education is on a higher level than a M.Sc. Education may not make everyone equal when a student has a deeper desire to learn more and to ask more questions as required by a Ph.D. level of education than an M.Sc. level of education.

 

With regard to equality that is brought on by education, it is determined by choice beyond the age of 16. This choice is reserved by the student. Whether or not the student decides to continue to study in an education environment is up to him. All things are equal upto that point of age 16. Beyond that, if the student wishes to pursue further education, he may. Provided that he continues with his studies in higher education, reaching higher levels than his peers, not every person remains equal at that point. There are contrasting levels of education that can be pursued, with higher levels of sophistication in more advanced degrees.

[the stranger]

Cool! Thanks!

 

Thanks for your help and feedback, Sameer.

 

"Education makes everyone equal."

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which education does not make everyone equal. Discuss what you think determines whether or not education makes everyone equal.

 

-=- -=- -=-

 

The quest for knowledge can come about through the transfer of information from one generation to the next, from parents to children, from instructors to trainees, and from teachers to their students. The last case is the main emphasis of formal education. As the student learns, and progresses in his studies, the teacher can reveal more knowledge to the student. Formal education usually entails transferring information from a teacher, or professor to a student, in the form of lectures and assignments or examinations. Formal education creates equality in people, bestowing at least a basic understanding of certain concepts and math and communication skills that are necessary for some basic jobs. Education allows for equality in Canada since it is mandated by law that a student shall remain in formal education up until the age of 16. In this way, people are made to have an equal exposure to learning up until the age of 16 in Canada. Certain skills in math, communication, and technical skills are taught through education this mandatory. People are equal because they will have all learned the same basic skills and have the same basic knowledge as others who have reached age 16 because of the mandatory education laws in Canada.

 

Even though students are required to have a certain minimal amount of education in Canada, students may choose to pursue whatever area of study they wish, and whether or not to continue on with postsecondary studies. In a specific case, as exemplified by level of study, education does not allow for everyone to be equal. A person who decides to pursue a M.Sc., and no further does not examine a theory in the level of depth and comprehensiveness as a student in a doctoral stream program such as a Ph.D. in the same field. The level of creativity, hard work, and intricacy and sophistication of research found in a Ph.D. education is on a higher level than a M.Sc. Education may not make everyone equal when a student has a deeper desire to learn more and to ask more questions as required by a Ph.D. level of education than an M.Sc. level of education.

 

With regard to equality that is brought on by education, it is determined by choice beyond the age of 16. This choice is reserved by the student. Whether or not the student decides to continue to study in an education environment is up to him. All things are equal upto that point of age 16. Beyond that, if the student wishes to pursue further education, he may. Provided that he continues with his studies in higher education, reaching higher levels than his peers, not every person remains equal at that point. There are contrasting levels of education that can be pursued, with higher levels of sophistication in more advanced degrees.

 

Hey there PastaInhaler,

Although your essay does provide an exploration of the topic, it is somewhat superficial. Although you talk about the fact that we must all be educated until the age of 16, and this makes us equal in terms of education up until that age, you haven’t offered any insight into whether or not that education has the power to equalize its recipients in a broader social context. Admittedly this prompt is rather vague however you would be well to face a vague prompt now in practice rather than for the first time on your actual MCAT. Next time you encounter such a prompt, try to take some extra time in planning your essay to consider the broader social, metaphysical, metaphorical or abstract implications of the prompt. If you can pinpoint the broader issues surrounding the topic contained in the prompt, you’ll be better able to support, refute and resolve the argument that the prompt is trying to get at, and offer a more in depth exploration of the issues (giving you a higher score). This will be harder to do for some prompts rather than others (this would be an example of a difficult prompt) but try to do this for every prompt and you will see your score improve. Always ask “what is this statement trying to say about life in general?” and not simply what it is saying about the explicit topic it contains.

Otherwise, also be careful with run on sentences; these decrease the clarity and unity of your essay. As well, spend an extra couple of minutes proofreading for mechanical errors.

Score: 4/6 (but this could be a 3 depending on whether a grader thought that your essay adequately addressed task 3 – since your criteria are related to whether different amounts of education give people different opportunities, this may or may not satisfy the question “what determines whether education [in general] makes everyone equal”)

[PastaInhaler]

Hey there PastaInhaler,

Although your essay does provide an exploration of the topic, it is somewhat superficial. Although you talk about the fact that we must all be educated until the age of 16, and this makes us equal in terms of education up until that age, you haven’t offered any insight into whether or not that education has the power to equalize its recipients in a broader social context. Admittedly this prompt is rather vague however you would be well to face a vague prompt now in practice rather than for the first time on your actual MCAT. Next time you encounter such a prompt, try to take some extra time in planning your essay to consider the broader social, metaphysical, metaphorical or abstract implications of the prompt. If you can pinpoint the broader issues surrounding the topic contained in the prompt, you’ll be better able to support, refute and resolve the argument that the prompt is trying to get at, and offer a more in depth exploration of the issues (giving you a higher score). This will be harder to do for some prompts rather than others (this would be an example of a difficult prompt) but try to do this for every prompt and you will see your score improve. Always ask “what is this statement trying to say about life in general?” and not simply what it is saying about the explicit topic it contains.

Otherwise, also be careful with run on sentences; these decrease the clarity and unity of your essay. As well, spend an extra couple of minutes proofreading for mechanical errors.

Score: 4/6 (but this could be a 3 depending on whether a grader thought that your essay adequately addressed task 3 – since your criteria are related to whether different amounts of education give people different opportunities, this may or may not satisfy the question “what determines whether education [in general] makes everyone equal”)

 

Hey There, thanks for the input Sameer.

 

Thanks! Yeah, the prompt was vague and caught me off guard. I wasn't sure of the approach.

 

Thanks man!

[jab4eva]

Education makes everyone equal.

Education inflation is a phrase used to describe the increasing amount of years students have to stay in school in order to obtain a decent job; therefore education seems to be an essential route towards prosperity. Education itself not only provides the basic academic skills but also expose every student to the same background level. For example, the education system in Canada offers free learning experience from grade 1 through grade 12; these 12 years sufficiently expose the required academic and social skills one must obtain in order to successfully emerge with the real world. The basic skills taught grant students an equal opportunity to choose what kind of career path they wish to pursue. They are able to start working right away or have the fundamental skills to continue education in a post-secondary institution.

 

If education’s purpose is not to teach necessary skills to prepare students for the workplace, but to promote certain values and customs, then education may not provide equal opportunity for all students. Recent years, Toronto District School Boards has developed a black only school in hope to improve education rate in the black community. However, such a decision takes away the rights of black students to interact with other non-black peers and may render them socially incapable to adjust to the real world; where people from many different cultures interact with each other. Hence, imposing values and aggregating a certain minority group provide no real basic skills needed for further advancement; and it can only take away the freedom of the students to choose to interact with people from other ethnic backgrounds.

 

In conclusion, traditional education teaches students fundamental skills for them to apply to the real world, and it provides every student an equal opportunity to freely choose their path. On the other hand, an education system that teaches not basic skills but impose a certain religious practice not only limits students’ decision making skills but also hinders students’ further participation in the interactive society. As a result, in order for education to make every equal it must only teach skills rather than values, and if certain values are taught to premature students, it will definitely affect their ability to mingle with outside society.

[PugStorm]

Thanks for your help, Sameer. It is nice of you to help us out.

 

Employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the workplace.

 

Privacy is an important aspect of healthcare. It applies as much to the patients of hospitals as to the healthcare employees who care for them. Moreover, there are strict policies formulated by the human resources department that ensure that employees have their right to privacy protected. In other words, employees can rest assured that details from their personal life may be kept out of the workplace, just like how this privacy is preserved in a public setting. For example, a woman physician may be going a divorce, something she may feel embarrassed about if her coworkers found out. Within her workplace, she is granted rights to privacy regarding her personal life including her divorce. Even though some members of the human resources department may know about this aspect of her life, they are not to share this privileged information with other employees.

 

On the one hand, some aspects of an employees life may need to be kept personal, for her sake, and in circumstances when other employees and their patients are not at risk of harm. On the other hand, certain facts about an employee may need to be revealed to other employees when their safety may be at risk. An instance of this may be if a ward nurse is HIV-positive, and could potentially infect other employees, or even the patients under her care with this harmful and potentially life-threatening virus. Such a case would require that the same right to privacy as this nurse enjoys outside of the workplace be rescinded, at least in part. The information about her health and HIV-status would have to be revealed to her coworkers and other employees. This is done to prevent accidental infection and compromises to the health of other employees by needle sticks, intravenous insertions, or related procedures where risk of infection is possible.

 

Thus, when the safety of other employees may be compromised, an employee such as an HIV-positive ward nurse, should not have the same right to privacy in the workplace as she would have outside the workplace. The intent of this is not out of malice, but for the safety of her fellow workers, and of patients. However, when the details of an employee's personal life do not create an unsafe work environment for co-workers, she should be allowed to enjoy her right to privacy in the workplace. A physician may be going through a divorce, but knowing or not knowing these details will not jeopardize the safety of other coworkers. It is important that the decisions regarding privacy are dealt with tactfully to avoid harming employees unnecessarily, while preserving the safety of all employees.

[Wookie]

Education makes everyone equal.

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which education does not make everyone equal.

Discuss what you think determines whether or not education makes everyone equal.

 

Lyndon B. Johnson, a former United States president once said, "Education is not a problem. Education is an opportunity." Although this quote is quite simplistic, one can interpret this to signify how an equal opportunity for public education is a facet for success regardless of ethnicity, religion, culture or skin color. Specifically, in North America, educational achievement can serve as an equalizing factor among the general population. Immigrants, minority groups and the lower socioeconomic class can expand their limited opportunities by obtaining educational credentials. An inspirational example of this is Dr. Alfredo Quinone-Hinojosa. Dr. Hinojosa escaped the confines of Mexico during the 1980s and crossed the border into America illegally. Equipped with limited finances and little knowledge of English, he worked as a farmer and railroad worker. However, he wanted to achieve greatness and worked to improve his english by attending a local community college. He continued to work hard until he was granted admission into the University of Berkeley, Harvard Medical School, and a residency at the University of San Francisco in neurosurgery. Today he is a extremely popular neurosurgeon and associate professor at Johns Hopkins Medical School. His story is an ubiquitous tale of how education can make everyone equal.

 

In contrast, education does not always create equal opportunities. A recent study by the University of Chicago found that men and women with African-American names were 50 percent less likely to secure a job, regardless of education. This study can be indicative of how racial factors in the United States can still limit equal opportunity fifty years after the Civil Rights Movement. Furthermore, high achievement in education can be irrelevant in certain professional arenas such as politics. The recent election of President Obama was a monumental moment for many African-Americans because many knew the plethora of obstacles that were overcome for a black presidential candidate to be elected. Although President Obama was equipped with a strong educational background, many people within the African-American community knew how harsh the real world could be regardless of educational achievement.

 

The previous paragraphs illustrate two important points in regards to what determines whether or not education makes everyone equal. Hard work and tenacity as a student can increase the odds of academic achievement and create equality among everyone. Excellent performance on tests are within the power of the student irrespective of other factors. Since grades are the currency within academic institutions, everyone who performs well can have equal opportunity. However, there are certain tenebrous factors governing equal opportunity and success within certain professional arenas. For example, in politics factors such as race, skin color, culture, sex, religion and socioeconomic class can serve as barriers regardless of education. In America, the recent election was extremely popular because the success of Hiliary Clinton, Sarah Palin and Barack Obama defied the archetype of past successful candidates. Thus, the hard work of the individual and the category of profession can determine whether education makes everyone equal.

[the stranger]

Education makes everyone equal.

Education inflation is a phrase used to describe the increasing amount of years students have to stay in school in order to obtain a decent job; therefore education seems to be an essential route towards prosperity. Education itself not only provides the basic academic skills but also expose every student to the same background level. For example, the education system in Canada offers free learning experience from grade 1 through grade 12; these 12 years sufficiently expose the required academic and social skills one must obtain in order to successfully emerge with the real world. The basic skills taught grant students an equal opportunity to choose what kind of career path they wish to pursue. They are able to start working right away or have the fundamental skills to continue education in a post-secondary institution.

 

If education’s purpose is not to teach necessary skills to prepare students for the workplace, but to promote certain values and customs, then education may not provide equal opportunity for all students. Recent years, Toronto District School Boards has developed a black only school in hope to improve education rate in the black community. However, such a decision takes away the rights of black students to interact with other non-black peers and may render them socially incapable to adjust to the real world; where people from many different cultures interact with each other. Hence, imposing values and aggregating a certain minority group provide no real basic skills needed for further advancement; and it can only take away the freedom of the students to choose to interact with people from other ethnic backgrounds.

 

In conclusion, traditional education teaches students fundamental skills for them to apply to the real world, and it provides every student an equal opportunity to freely choose their path. On the other hand, an education system that teaches not basic skills but impose a certain religious practice not only limits students’ decision making skills but also hinders students’ further participation in the interactive society. As a result, in order for education to make every equal it must only teach skills rather than values, and if certain values are taught to premature students, it will definitely affect their ability to mingle with outside society.

 

Hello jab4eva,

Although your discussion addresses the three tasks, your essay suffers from many mechanical errors and grammar/wording issues. These errors make it difficult to follow your reasoning and flow from idea to idea. AAMC graders read essays very quickly, and if the grader cannot follow your reasoning for the all the errors your score will suffer greatly.

Score : 3.5/6

[the stranger]

Thanks for your help, Sameer. It is nice of you to help us out.

 

Employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the workplace.

 

Privacy is an important aspect of healthcare. It applies as much to the patients of hospitals as to the healthcare employees who care for them. Moreover, there are strict policies formulated by the human resources department that ensure that employees have their right to privacy protected. In other words, employees can rest assured that details from their personal life may be kept out of the workplace, just like how this privacy is preserved in a public setting. For example, a woman physician may be going a divorce, something she may feel embarrassed about if her coworkers found out. Within her workplace, she is granted rights to privacy regarding her personal life including her divorce. Even though some members of the human resources department may know about this aspect of her life, they are not to share this privileged information with other employees.

 

On the one hand, some aspects of an employees life may need to be kept personal, for her sake, and in circumstances when other employees and their patients are not at risk of harm. On the other hand, certain facts about an employee may need to be revealed to other employees when their safety may be at risk. An instance of this may be if a ward nurse is HIV-positive, and could potentially infect other employees, or even the patients under her care with this harmful and potentially life-threatening virus. Such a case would require that the same right to privacy as this nurse enjoys outside of the workplace be rescinded, at least in part. The information about her health and HIV-status would have to be revealed to her coworkers and other employees. This is done to prevent accidental infection and compromises to the health of other employees by needle sticks, intravenous insertions, or related procedures where risk of infection is possible.

 

Thus, when the safety of other employees may be compromised, an employee such as an HIV-positive ward nurse, should not have the same right to privacy in the workplace as she would have outside the workplace. The intent of this is not out of malice, but for the safety of her fellow workers, and of patients. However, when the details of an employee's personal life do not create an unsafe work environment for co-workers, she should be allowed to enjoy her right to privacy in the workplace. A physician may be going through a divorce, but knowing or not knowing these details will not jeopardize the safety of other coworkers. It is important that the decisions regarding privacy are dealt with tactfully to avoid harming employees unnecessarily, while preserving the safety of all employees.

 

Hi PugStorm,

The only suggestion I would make is to avoid limiting your discussion to only one specific area, i.e. here you have only talked about privacy inside and outside of the “healthcare” workplace. Although your examples were specific to health care (which is fine), try not to limit your general discussion to only one field. You should try to discuss the prompt on a more general level to show that you can consider the broader social implications of the statement. Beyond this your essay was well written however make sure you take a couple minutes to proofread and eliminate mechanical errors. Lastly, try to pick specific examples rather than coming up with hypothetical or general examples. Although these are still better than no example at all, it strengthens your argument to use a specific, recognizable example in both task 1 and task 2.

Score: 4/6

[the stranger]

Education makes everyone equal.

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which education does not make everyone equal.

Discuss what you think determines whether or not education makes everyone equal.

 

Lyndon B. Johnson, a former United States president once said, "Education is not a problem. Education is an opportunity." Although this quote is quite simplistic, one can interpret this to signify how an equal opportunity for public education is a facet for success regardless of ethnicity, religion, culture or skin color. Specifically, in North America, educational achievement can serve as an equalizing factor among the general population. Immigrants, minority groups and the lower socioeconomic class can expand their limited opportunities by obtaining educational credentials. An inspirational example of this is Dr. Alfredo Quinone-Hinojosa. Dr. Hinojosa escaped the confines of Mexico during the 1980s and crossed the border into America illegally. Equipped with limited finances and little knowledge of English, he worked as a farmer and railroad worker. However, he wanted to achieve greatness and worked to improve his english by attending a local community college. He continued to work hard until he was granted admission into the University of Berkeley, Harvard Medical School, and a residency at the University of San Francisco in neurosurgery. Today he is a extremely popular neurosurgeon and associate professor at Johns Hopkins Medical School. His story is an ubiquitous tale of how education can make everyone equal.

 

In contrast, education does not always create equal opportunities. A recent study by the University of Chicago found that men and women with African-American names were 50 percent less likely to secure a job, regardless of education. This study can be indicative of how racial factors in the United States can still limit equal opportunity fifty years after the Civil Rights Movement. Furthermore, high achievement in education can be irrelevant in certain professional arenas such as politics. The recent election of President Obama was a monumental moment for many African-Americans because many knew the plethora of obstacles that were overcome for a black presidential candidate to be elected. Although President Obama was equipped with a strong educational background, many people within the African-American community knew how harsh the real world could be regardless of educational achievement.

 

The previous paragraphs illustrate two important points in regards to what determines whether or not education makes everyone equal. Hard work and tenacity as a student can increase the odds of academic achievement and create equality among everyone. Excellent performance on tests are within the power of the student irrespective of other factors. Since grades are the currency within academic institutions, everyone who performs well can have equal opportunity. However, there are certain tenebrous factors governing equal opportunity and success within certain professional arenas. For example, in politics factors such as race, skin color, culture, sex, religion and socioeconomic class can serve as barriers regardless of education. In America, the recent election was extremely popular because the success of Hiliary Clinton, Sarah Palin and Barack Obama defied the archetype of past successful candidates. Thus, the hard work of the individual and the category of profession can determine whether education makes everyone equal.

 

Wookie,

Very well written. Your examples were excellent, some of the best I’ve seen so far. Your essay was unified, coherent, and had great flow. There are only a couple small pointers I would give:

- Try not to use phrases like “the previous paragraphs illustrate”

- Just be cautious about conciseness: your writing is great, but there are points where you could say the same things in fewer words. Look for that in proofreading future essays

- Also try to relate your criteria in task 3 back to your examples from task 1 and 2: this will flesh out your task 3 and make it even more clear

Great essay.

Score: 5.5/6

[Avery]

Ok, so here's my essay. I've only written a couple so far and I write my MCAT in a few weeks (eek). Thanks in advance for the feedback! I think I need it haha.

 

Access to a quality education is something we often take for granted in the Western world. Possessing knowledge about the world around us is an asset, the value of which cannot be underestimated. One could argue that many wars that have been fought throughout history could have been prevented, had conflicting parties been more aware of each other’s circumstances. Although access to schooling is a given in developed countries, there are still many areas of the world where certain people are denied this basic service. In Afghanistan during the reign of the Taliban, girls were prevented from attending school. This was a large contributor to the gender inequality experienced by females in this society. Recent efforts to set up schools for girls since the fall of the Taliban have already helped to empower women by giving them the confidence and the knowledge to be active, contributing members of their society.

 

When education is accessible by everyone it has the power to pull everyone up to the same level, however, when certain groups are unable to afford higher education it only contributes to disparities. In the world today, a post secondary education is becoming more and more of a necessity. Even in the last decade, the quality of jobs available to someone with only a high school education has gone down considerably. The fact that a degree or a diploma has become a prerequisite for success is not necessarily a bad thing…if you can afford it. In North America the gap between the rich and the poor appears to widening. The upper and middle classes are able to secure higher paying jobs, while those who struggle financially are unable to afford the education necessary to allow them to climb the social ladder.

 

In short, education leads to equality only when it is accessible by everyone. Equal opportunities to advance oneself can only lead to a healthier and less ignorant society. However, when learning becomes a privilege granted only to those who can afford it, it only adds to inequality. Thus, a full, balanced education should be seen as a basic right and not only as a privilege.

[kawalac]

Education makes everyone equal:

 

 

In most cases, formal education has the ability of making everyone equal. In this context, equality describes the ability of a person or group of people to have an equal opportunity at success and prosperity. There have been instances in the past where nations have been able to match the prosperity of other nations through enhanced emphasis on education. During the 1980’s, the Republic of Ireland was suffering through a bout of recession, with much of its population living in poverty. A new Prime Minister was elected who decided that Ireland’s misery was due to a lack of formal education. New policies and laws were enacted that placed greater emphasis on formal education. As a result of these changes, Ireland entered into a period of rapid economic growth and prosperity during the late 1990’s. By the year 2000, Ireland had become equal to other Western nations in terms of success and prosperity. This situation proves that education can in fact make everyone equal.

 

However, when directly comparing individuals, education may not make them equal. This is due to the fact that people differ in their genetic makeup. As a result, each person will have different traits that place them at an advantage or disadvantage, depending on the particular trait. In terms of education, some people may not have the same mental capacity when compared to others. Because of this, one person may benefit more from education compared to another. The lucky students will have learnt more during their time in the classroom and will be better prepared for life in the work force. This provides them with a better opportunity at success. Consequently, when comparing two individuals who have different genetics and innate talent, education may not make them equal.

 

Therefore, whether you are comparing two groups of people or two individuals against each other determines whether or not education makes everyone equal. When viewing individuals as part of a collective nation, then education has the opportunity of making countries equal. However, education may not make two people equal. When comparing one individual to another, there can be noticeable differences in terms of genetics and innate talent. These differences make it unlikely that education will make the two individuals equal if there is a great disparity between the two people in terms of their natural capabilities. One child may not have the same mental capacity when compared to another, and no amount of education will make both individuals equal. However, when averaging out the mental capabilities of a nation as a whole, as is possible with an IQ test, it is likely that the average will be comparable to other nations. Therefore, when comparing two nations, or two large groups of people, then education does have the capability of making everyone equal.

[7vrb]

Thank you so much for your help!

 

Education makes everyone equal

 

Education is a means to give people of a certain society the same knowledge that is deemed necessary to become a successful individual in that society. This education is available and usually required by everyone in that society up until a certain age. This knowledge, because it is given to everyone, puts everyone on a equal playing field. That is, it allows for everyone to have the same basic understanding of what has been taught and so the ability to function at the same level in society. For example, in Canada it is required that people be educated by the public system until they are 16. Everyone who is older than 16 knows, or should know, about science, english, social sciences, and mathmatics equally to the level it was taught in public school. That gives people the ability to branch off and use this education as they will, be it go directly into the work force or further their education by going to post secondary school. However, this basic knowledge is held by everyone and so makes them equal.

 

Although in some countries, education is used to ensure equality among citizens, it can also be used as a method to ensure inequality. Burma is governed by a political Junta which is known for violating almost every human right in the book, including education for all. Women's rights in Burma are extremely poor. Girls are not permitted to go to school past a very young age, sometime before puberty. This increases the inequality between women and men by further decreasing women's opportunity to flourish in society as independant beings.

 

Education can be used as both a equalizer and a weapon of inequality. When education is offered to everyone, it allows for all members of society to be able to understand and accomplish the same things. As in Canada, and most countries where the mandate of human rights for all is upheld, education allows for everyone to have the ability to function as a successful, independant individual and by doing so, makes everyone equal. However, when education is limited to a select few and others are specifically deprived of it, it becomes something that draws a line between the have and have nots, giving more opportunity to those who receive it and creating inequality.

[Apixaban85]

Thank you so much for your help!

 

Education makes everyone equal

 

Education is a means to give people of a certain society the same knowledge that is deemed necessary to become a successful individual in that society. This education is available and usually required by everyone in that society up until a certain age. This knowledge, because it is given to everyone, puts everyone on a equal playing field. That is, it allows for everyone to have the same basic understanding of what has been taught and so the ability to function at the same level in society. For example, in Canada it is required that people be educated by the public system until they are 16. Everyone who is older than 16 knows, or should know, about science, english, social sciences, and mathmatics equally to the level it was taught in public school. That gives people the ability to branch off and use this education as they will, be it go directly into the work force or further their education by going to post secondary school. However, this basic knowledge is held by everyone and so makes them equal.

 

Although in some countries, education is used to ensure equality among citizens, it can also be used as a method to ensure inequality. Burma is governed by a political Junta which is known for violating almost every human right in the book, including education for all. Women's rights in Burma are extremely poor. Girls are not permitted to go to school past a very young age, sometime before puberty. This increases the inequality between women and men by further decreasing women's opportunity to flourish in society as independant beings.

 

Education can be used as both a equalizer and a weapon of inequality. When education is offered to everyone, it allows for all members of society to be able to understand and accomplish the same things. As in Canada, and most countries where the mandate of human rights for all is upheld, education allows for everyone to have the ability to function as a successful, independant individual and by doing so, makes everyone equal. However, when education is limited to a select few and others are specifically deprived of it, it becomes something that draws a line between the have and have nots, giving more opportunity to those who receive it and creating inequality.

 

If I may just comment on one thing about your essay (not a professional grader though). I don't think the antithesis here is correct because in your example, the women were not given education at all so you can't say whether or not it made them equal. In order to answer the prompt you would have to give a situation where education was offered to all, but did not equalize everyone. Though I like the idea of your thesis.

[medhopeful64]

Thanks Sameer for taking a look at my essay. I do realize my synthesis is weak though.

 

Prompt: Education makes everyone equal.

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which education does not make everyone equal. Discuss what you think determines whether or not education makes everyone equal.

 

"Knowledge is power." This famous phrase is often used to illustrate how education can empower our lives. Knowledge removes ignorance, and dispels negative stereotypes or biases. In this way, knowledge can make people "equal" (ie, intellectually equal), regardless of race or color. Thus, education often has the power to equalize members of society.

 

The holocaust is an example of how education makes everyone equal. Contemporary documents have demonstrated that Hitler and his Nazi government was highly influenced by Darwinian eugenics. Hitler believed that the human gene pool could be improved by using selective breeding - that is, by preventing "genetically inferior races" (ie the Jews) from mixing with the superior ones (ie. the Aryans) in order to reduce contamination of this gene pool. His interpretation of Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theory culminated in the "final solution" - the extermination of millions of Jews and other peoples who belonged to what German scientists judged as "inferior races." Years later, however, psychologists determined that no race is actually "superior" to another. This finding has been confirmed not only psychologically, but scientifically as well. The DNA of humankind is hardly differential between the races. Thus, had Hitler and his Nazi government known this, they would not have been able to use Darwinian evolution as a justification for their Jew exterminations. This means that the holocaust would probably have not reached the extent that it did. If someone today voiced opinions similar to Hitler - that one race was genetically superior to another - he or she would be ridiculed as an uneducated person. Thus, educating people teaches them that everyone is equal.

 

In other situations, however, education does not always necessarily mean equality for all. Take women in Saudi Arabia, for example. Although women have the right to an education and go to school, they cannot drive nor hold political positions. They also cannot obtain employment without permission of a male guardian, nor leave the house without a male guardian. Thus, this inequality is not due to lack of education - in fact, 60% of Saudi university students are female - but due to the very nature of two sexes. Saudi Arabia is a Muslim country governed by Sharia (Islamic) Law. Since Islam instructs women to dress modestly and forbids men and women from mixing freely, it follows that restrictions on women such as denying them the right to hold a political position, is due to the fact that this type of employment would cause a woman to break the Sharia law. A female politician would be surrounded by men who are not family; this is not permissible in Saudi Arabia. Thus, these restrictions imposed upon women are not due to lack of education (for Islam advocates equal educational opportunities for both sexes), but due to the necessity to adhere to Islamic law. Thus, in this situation, education does not necessarily translate into equality among everyone.

 

Ignorance can result in deadly consequences, as was demonstrated by Hitler's attempt to rid humankind of Jews completely. Thus, education can be a very powerful way (it might in fact be the only way) to make all people equal. However, it does not always grant each person the same rights as everyone else. What determines whether education makes everyone equal depends on how one actually define "equal." In situations where the intellectual ability between races or between the sexes is being questioned, then yes, educating people will prove that indeed, all men and women, regardless of race or color, are equal in mental capabilities. In situations where the rights of a person is being questioned (particularly in a country where religion and government are not separate), then education might not necessarily grant that person his or her rights. Here, if the right that is being demanded conflicts with religious teachings (for example, Islamic teachings), then education will not make everyone equal in terms of equal rights. Thus, the phrase "Knowledge is power" can have its limits.

[KaelaShaw]

The statement that "employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the workplace" concerns a person's right to perform certain actions that one would feel comfortable to do outside their place of employment, knowing that no other person would be aware of them. For the purposes of this discussion, places outside of the workplace will be restricted to the employee's place of residence. In the context of these definitions, the statement would mean that a person should be able to, without consequence, do anything at work that they would do in their home, so long as nobody else is aware of it.

 

However, there are times in which privacy at the workplace should be limited to ensure equal treatment to all employees. For instance, computer access to personal email accounts, and websites unrelated to their employment duties, may need to be monitored and controlled. If it was not monitored in any way, employees that are fulfilling the same working hours and receiving the same compensation for their work, may not be performing at the same level, or contributing to the company's success at an equal level. One employee may spend multiple hours handling personal affairs, while one employee may be completely devoted to the task at hand, providing a great contribution to the workplace. This would lead to unfair treatment to employees in terms of salary compared to effort.

 

And although this may be a difficult action to monitor, some guidelines need to be determined to decide what privacy rights an employee should have at the workplace. All actions that are directly related to the employee's job tasks and information that directly affects the workplace should not be subject to privacy rights. This information is critical for the success of the company, and ensuring honest and equal treatment. However, people should have the right to keep their personal matters private, and therefore instead of having a lack of privacy, it may be ideal for a company to restrict computer access and telephone access to ensure job-related usage, and therefore would not need to impose on personal affairs.

[docmm]

While headlines around the world report on slowing global markets, increased efficiency in the workplace is inevitable and important to recovery. If tremendous loses endured as a result of employee corruption can be minimized in the workplace through increased surveillance, the cost of employee rights to privacy appear negligible. The use of surveillance in stores and public places is an important consideration in deterring workplace corruption and crime, as well as ensuring the safety of employees and consumers.

 

One's actions in the privacy of the home should never be of any institution's interest without reasonable reason for inquiry. But when it comes to a workplace that the families of many employees rely on for income and stability, employee privacy can be infringed upon for security purposes. The actions of an individual in the workplace should always be professional and acceptable within the terms of employment, thus making surveillance hard to dispute. An employee should understand their role within a workplace and should only feel threatened by increased security if they are not performing their duties correctly.

 

Employee privacy is an issue that has been widely discussed within the education system in many Canadian provinces. Although surveillance is highly acceptable within stores where money is exchanged between consumers and employees often several hundred times per day, it is hard to see how a classroom would benefit from these sorts of security measures. The use of surveillance in classrooms may make teachers feel uncomfortable and thus not able to perform at their best. The classroom differs from a store greatly as some level of security is already maintained by the presence of twenty odd pairs of eyes constantly on the teacher, and the constant inquiry of parents into their children's education.

 

When discussing employee privacy in terms of surveillance it is important to perform a thorough risk assessment and to evaluate the effects that infringing on an employees rights to privacy may have on the employee's performance and behaviour in the workplace.

[kawalac]

Prompt: "Employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the workplace."

 

 

The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms is a document that outlines the rights granted to the citizens of Canada. One of these guaranteed rights includes the right to privacy. If a company is considered a public enterprise, then that company must provide its workers with the same right to privacy as they are entitled to outside the workplace. A public enterprise is one that is overseen by a local, provincial, or federal government and is funded with public money. Passport agencies and revenue offices are examples of public enterprises which are prohibited from removing their employee’s right to privacy. In the late 1990’s, e-mail came into greater use and began to pose a problem for workplace environments which utilized computers in their day to day activities. A manager at a local passport agency decided to implement a program that allowed him to check his employee’s e-mails. The employee union fought this decision as they believed it was an infringement on the employee’s right to privacy. The case was heard in court and the passport agency manager was prohibited from checking his worker’s e-mails.

 

However, if a company is not considered a public enterprise, then that company does not have to provide its employees with the same right to privacy in the workplace. Private companies, such as the Wells-Fargo investment firm, often have their prospective employees sign a waiver that relinquishes some of their rights, such as the right to privacy. This behavior is justified because the company is not forcing the employees to sign the waiver; they do so voluntarily. As a result of signing the waiver, the employees agree to having their computer activity checked to ensure that they are engaging in work related activities. In this case, the employees should not have the same right to privacy because they are working for a private company. This company is free to decide on the rules that govern how it will be run.

 

Therefore, whether or not employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace depends on whether the company is a private or public enterprise. For instance, working for the government of Ontario would be considered a public workplace. Because the workplace is public, it should abide by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms which guarantees the public people a reasonable degree of privacy. However, companies which are privately run, such as Wells Fargo, do not have to provide the same level of privacy to its employees. Private companies are not funded publicly. Therefore, the public has no right to decide on the rules of the company. Consequently, whether a company is public or private determines the employee’s right to privacy in the workplace.

[the stranger]

Hey PreMed101, here's the newest prompt (#3):

 

In politics, the end rarely justifies the means.

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which a political end might justify using questionable means for accomplishing that end. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a political end

justifies the means for accomplishing that end.

 

Instructions:

In 30 minutes, write an essay for the prompt and instructions above.

Use the Notepad accessory on your computer so word processing functions are turned off.

Post your essay in this thread on the Forum and I will post comments and a score here

Note: Do not read other essays replying to this prompt on the Forum until after you have written and

submitted your own essay.

[the stranger]

Ok, so here's my essay. I've only written a couple so far and I write my MCAT in a few weeks (eek). Thanks in advance for the feedback! I think I need it haha.

 

Access to a quality education is something we often take for granted in the Western world. Possessing knowledge about the world around us is an asset, the value of which cannot be underestimated. One could argue that many wars that have been fought throughout history could have been prevented, had conflicting parties been more aware of each other’s circumstances. Although access to schooling is a given in developed countries, there are still many areas of the world where certain people are denied this basic service. In Afghanistan during the reign of the Taliban, girls were prevented from attending school. This was a large contributor to the gender inequality experienced by females in this society. Recent efforts to set up schools for girls since the fall of the Taliban have already helped to empower women by giving them the confidence and the knowledge to be active, contributing members of their society.

 

When education is accessible by everyone it has the power to pull everyone up to the same level, however, when certain groups are unable to afford higher education it only contributes to disparities. In the world today, a post secondary education is becoming more and more of a necessity. Even in the last decade, the quality of jobs available to someone with only a high school education has gone down considerably. The fact that a degree or a diploma has become a prerequisite for success is not necessarily a bad thing…if you can afford it. In North America the gap between the rich and the poor appears to widening. The upper and middle classes are able to secure higher paying jobs, while those who struggle financially are unable to afford the education necessary to allow them to climb the social ladder.

 

In short, education leads to equality only when it is accessible by everyone. Equal opportunities to advance oneself can only lead to a healthier and less ignorant society. However, when learning becomes a privilege granted only to those who can afford it, it only adds to inequality. Thus, a full, balanced education should be seen as a basic right and not only as a privilege.

 

Hi Avery,

It seems that you have made some logical arguments to address task 2 and a clear task 3. However your support/explanation of the experiment was almost lost in your explanation of your example. I would suggest that you take a more structured approach in which you explain the statement, use an example, and relate the example to your explanation clearly and concisely. In all I was unconvinced in your support of the statement. As well, I would suggest that you avoid using a “contrary” example in your task 1: try always to use an example that supports the prompt.

Score: 4/6

[the stranger]

Education makes everyone equal:

 

 

In most cases, formal education has the ability of making everyone equal. In this context, equality describes the ability of a person or group of people to have an equal opportunity at success and prosperity. There have been instances in the past where nations have been able to match the prosperity of other nations through enhanced emphasis on education. During the 1980’s, the Republic of Ireland was suffering through a bout of recession, with much of its population living in poverty. A new Prime Minister was elected who decided that Ireland’s misery was due to a lack of formal education. New policies and laws were enacted that placed greater emphasis on formal education. As a result of these changes, Ireland entered into a period of rapid economic growth and prosperity during the late 1990’s. By the year 2000, Ireland had become equal to other Western nations in terms of success and prosperity. This situation proves that education can in fact make everyone equal.

 

However, when directly comparing individuals, education may not make them equal. This is due to the fact that people differ in their genetic makeup. As a result, each person will have different traits that place them at an advantage or disadvantage, depending on the particular trait. In terms of education, some people may not have the same mental capacity when compared to others. Because of this, one person may benefit more from education compared to another. The lucky students will have learnt more during their time in the classroom and will be better prepared for life in the work force. This provides them with a better opportunity at success. Consequently, when comparing two individuals who have different genetics and innate talent, education may not make them equal.

 

Therefore, whether you are comparing two groups of people or two individuals against each other determines whether or not education makes everyone equal. When viewing individuals as part of a collective nation, then education has the opportunity of making countries equal. However, education may not make two people equal. When comparing one individual to another, there can be noticeable differences in terms of genetics and innate talent. These differences make it unlikely that education will make the two individuals equal if there is a great disparity between the two people in terms of their natural capabilities. One child may not have the same mental capacity when compared to another, and no amount of education will make both individuals equal. However, when averaging out the mental capabilities of a nation as a whole, as is possible with an IQ test, it is likely that the average will be comparable to other nations. Therefore, when comparing two nations, or two large groups of people, then education does have the capability of making everyone equal.

 

Hello kawalac,

Your essay demonstrates a strong control of language, and you have addressed the tasks. However I feel that your arguments were not supported adequately. It is difficult to convince a reader that intelligence is the only determining factor in the ability of education to equalize people socially. You also bring up the idea of the “equality” of nations based on IQ, but equality of what? You haven’t given the reader an answer to that question. Your example in task 1 is weak because you use the improvement of the education system in Ireland as an “equalizer” of all people, but you haven’t determined “what”, with respect to the “people”, is being equalized. You might try to delve more deeply into the broader social implications of the topic, for example how education has the power to make even those individuals who are naturally less capable than others with innate brilliance equal in a social context. Your writing definitely has potential to move to the higher scores, but you have to be conscientious in supporting your arguments and providing strong, clear examples. Try not to make sweeping generalizations either, to keep from having to defend an argument that requires in depth support.

Score: 3.5/6 – Addresses the tasks but arguments not supported fully

[the stranger]

Thank you so much for your help!

 

Education makes everyone equal

 

Education is a means to give people of a certain society the same knowledge that is deemed necessary to become a successful individual in that society. This education is available and usually required by everyone in that society up until a certain age. This knowledge, because it is given to everyone, puts everyone on a equal playing field. That is, it allows for everyone to have the same basic understanding of what has been taught and so the ability to function at the same level in society. For example, in Canada it is required that people be educated by the public system until they are 16. Everyone who is older than 16 knows, or should know, about science, english, social sciences, and mathmatics equally to the level it was taught in public school. That gives people the ability to branch off and use this education as they will, be it go directly into the work force or further their education by going to post secondary school. However, this basic knowledge is held by everyone and so makes them equal.

 

Although in some countries, education is used to ensure equality among citizens, it can also be used as a method to ensure inequality. Burma is governed by a political Junta which is known for violating almost every human right in the book, including education for all. Women's rights in Burma are extremely poor. Girls are not permitted to go to school past a very young age, sometime before puberty. This increases the inequality between women and men by further decreasing women's opportunity to flourish in society as independant beings.

 

Education can be used as both a equalizer and a weapon of inequality. When education is offered to everyone, it allows for all members of society to be able to understand and accomplish the same things. As in Canada, and most countries where the mandate of human rights for all is upheld, education allows for everyone to have the ability to function as a successful, independant individual and by doing so, makes everyone equal. However, when education is limited to a select few and others are specifically deprived of it, it becomes something that draws a line between the have and have nots, giving more opportunity to those who receive it and creating inequality.

 

Hey 7vrb,

Your essay addresses the three tasks and is coherent and easy to follow. However your example for task 2 was not explained adequately. The final sentence of your second paragraph needs to be explained further: define the inequality that you mention, and explain what “decreasing women's opportunity to flourish in society as independent beings” means. Be sure to qualify your statements and arguments with explanations that clarify your thoughts (the instance in task 2 is one of several in your essay, so be careful about this in the future).

Score: 4/6

[the stranger]

Thanks Sameer for taking a look at my essay. I do realize my synthesis is weak though.

 

Prompt: Education makes everyone equal.

 

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which education does not make everyone equal. Discuss what you think determines whether or not education makes everyone equal.

 

"Knowledge is power." This famous phrase is often used to illustrate how education can empower our lives. Knowledge removes ignorance, and dispels negative stereotypes or biases. In this way, knowledge can make people "equal" (ie, intellectually equal), regardless of race or color. Thus, education often has the power to equalize members of society.

 

The holocaust is an example of how education makes everyone equal. Contemporary documents have demonstrated that Hitler and his Nazi government was highly influenced by Darwinian eugenics. Hitler believed that the human gene pool could be improved by using selective breeding - that is, by preventing "genetically inferior races" (ie the Jews) from mixing with the superior ones (ie. the Aryans) in order to reduce contamination of this gene pool. His interpretation of Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theory culminated in the "final solution" - the extermination of millions of Jews and other peoples who belonged to what German scientists judged as "inferior races." Years later, however, psychologists determined that no race is actually "superior" to another. This finding has been confirmed not only psychologically, but scientifically as well. The DNA of humankind is hardly differential between the races. Thus, had Hitler and his Nazi government known this, they would not have been able to use Darwinian evolution as a justification for their Jew exterminations. This means that the holocaust would probably have not reached the extent that it did. If someone today voiced opinions similar to Hitler - that one race was genetically superior to another - he or she would be ridiculed as an uneducated person. Thus, educating people teaches them that everyone is equal.

 

In other situations, however, education does not always necessarily mean equality for all. Take women in Saudi Arabia, for example. Although women have the right to an education and go to school, they cannot drive nor hold political positions. They also cannot obtain employment without permission of a male guardian, nor leave the house without a male guardian. Thus, this inequality is not due to lack of education - in fact, 60% of Saudi university students are female - but due to the very nature of two sexes. Saudi Arabia is a Muslim country governed by Sharia (Islamic) Law. Since Islam instructs women to dress modestly and forbids men and women from mixing freely, it follows that restrictions on women such as denying them the right to hold a political position, is due to the fact that this type of employment would cause a woman to break the Sharia law. A female politician would be surrounded by men who are not family; this is not permissible in Saudi Arabia. Thus, these restrictions imposed upon women are not due to lack of education (for Islam advocates equal educational opportunities for both sexes), but due to the necessity to adhere to Islamic law. Thus, in this situation, education does not necessarily translate into equality among everyone.

 

Ignorance can result in deadly consequences, as was demonstrated by Hitler's attempt to rid humankind of Jews completely. Thus, education can be a very powerful way (it might in fact be the only way) to make all people equal. However, it does not always grant each person the same rights as everyone else. What determines whether education makes everyone equal depends on how one actually define "equal." In situations where the intellectual ability between races or between the sexes is being questioned, then yes, educating people will prove that indeed, all men and women, regardless of race or color, are equal in mental capabilities. In situations where the rights of a person is being questioned (particularly in a country where religion and government are not separate), then education might not necessarily grant that person his or her rights. Here, if the right that is being demanded conflicts with religious teachings (for example, Islamic teachings), then education will not make everyone equal in terms of equal rights. Thus, the phrase "Knowledge is power" can have its limits.

 

medhopeful64,

Although I can appreciate your overall point (i.e. your task 3), you took a roundabout, and rather touchy, way of getting there. As a rule of thumb you should avoid using highly controversial topics as examples at all costs, unless there is no other way to make your point. This is because despite how objectively you present your example, it is almost impossible for the grader to remain objective when reading, and you risk being misinterpreted. There are many other ways you could have chosen to explore this topic other than the Holocaust. Otherwise your writing was clear, you presented examples for your tasks, and resolved your arguments in task 3.

Score: 4/6

[the stranger]

The statement that "employees should have the same right to privacy in the workplace as they do outside the workplace" concerns a person's right to perform certain actions that one would feel comfortable to do outside their place of employment, knowing that no other person would be aware of them. For the purposes of this discussion, places outside of the workplace will be restricted to the employee's place of residence. In the context of these definitions, the statement would mean that a person should be able to, without consequence, do anything at work that they would do in their home, so long as nobody else is aware of it.

 

However, there are times in which privacy at the workplace should be limited to ensure equal treatment to all employees. For instance, computer access to personal email accounts, and websites unrelated to their employment duties, may need to be monitored and controlled. If it was not monitored in any way, employees that are fulfilling the same working hours and receiving the same compensation for their work, may not be performing at the same level, or contributing to the company's success at an equal level. One employee may spend multiple hours handling personal affairs, while one employee may be completely devoted to the task at hand, providing a great contribution to the workplace. This would lead to unfair treatment to employees in terms of salary compared to effort.

 

And although this may be a difficult action to monitor, some guidelines need to be determined to decide what privacy rights an employee should have at the workplace. All actions that are directly related to the employee's job tasks and information that directly affects the workplace should not be subject to privacy rights. This information is critical for the success of the company, and ensuring honest and equal treatment. However, people should have the right to keep their personal matters private, and therefore instead of having a lack of privacy, it may be ideal for a company to restrict computer access and telephone access to ensure job-related usage, and therefore would not need to impose on personal affairs.

 

Greetings KaelaShaw,

I’m not sure I understand the last sentence of your first paragraph. Do you mean that people should be allowed to do anything at work that they do at home, as long as no one knows about it? I’m not sure if this is an argument that you would want to present. This may just be a wording issue, but essentially it taints the rest of your essay from that point on. Otherwise you have presented an example (although hypothetical), and explained it well. Your task 3 was also well structured and coherent.

Score: 3.5/6 – due to the last sentence of first paragraph

[the stranger]

While headlines around the world report on slowing global markets, increased efficiency in the workplace is inevitable and important to recovery. If tremendous loses endured as a result of employee corruption can be minimized in the workplace through increased surveillance, the cost of employee rights to privacy appear negligible. The use of surveillance in stores and public places is an important consideration in deterring workplace corruption and crime, as well as ensuring the safety of employees and consumers.

 

One's actions in the privacy of the home should never be of any institution's interest without reasonable reason for inquiry. But when it comes to a workplace that the families of many employees rely on for income and stability, employee privacy can be infringed upon for security purposes. The actions of an individual in the workplace should always be professional and acceptable within the terms of employment, thus making surveillance hard to dispute. An employee should understand their role within a workplace and should only feel threatened by increased security if they are not performing their duties correctly.

 

Employee privacy is an issue that has been widely discussed within the education system in many Canadian provinces. Although surveillance is highly acceptable within stores where money is exchanged between consumers and employees often several hundred times per day, it is hard to see how a classroom would benefit from these sorts of security measures. The use of surveillance in classrooms may make teachers feel uncomfortable and thus not able to perform at their best. The classroom differs from a store greatly as some level of security is already maintained by the presence of twenty odd pairs of eyes constantly on the teacher, and the constant inquiry of parents into their children's education.

 

When discussing employee privacy in terms of surveillance it is important to perform a thorough risk assessment and to evaluate the effects that infringing on an employees rights to privacy may have on the employee's performance and behaviour in the workplace.

 

Hey docmm,

Unfortunately you haven’t adequately addressed the tasks. Your essay does a good job explaining the justification of workplace surveillance, but the instructions ask you to write an essay in which you support, refute and resolve the dichotomous argument present in the statement. Taking one side on the issue limits your score to a 3 or less since if you do not support the statement or resolve the two sides, you have not fulfilled the tasks. Make sure you follow the instructions and follow the support-refute-resolve format.

Score: 1/6 - Demonstrates a lack of understanding of the writing assignment