Best Time To Get Married?

[marriageinmedicine]

First time poster, accepted medical student with a long term SO, non-traditional, a bit older than the average 21 year old and we like to think much more mature than our age group.

Looking to hear thoughts on anything related to marriage and medicine!

We are very serious and looking to get married sooner, rather than later. Have had extensive conversations about my career path and what it means to be a SO of a doctor, etc. SO still is on board, to my amazement, and will be the one working while i attend school, and get to residency level.

We've been getting cautions/suggestions from family, that we should wait until medical school is complete before making such a big decision. 

Currently fatigued, and not writing proper sentences, will add more detail soon.

[MD2015]

On a K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid) basis, if you are both in the same city and living together, it is a matter of your own personal preference as to marrying during med school or immediately after completing 4th year. The best time to become pregnant is after your first year of residency if you are a female, as only during residency will you be paid for maternity leave (not as student nor as attending), while it won't adversely affect your career goals. remember the Marriage Contract, lol, 

 

Further details to us are unnecessary.

[Birdy]

I don't see that there's any particular reason to wait for the end of med school if you're planning to get married anyway. Med school would probably make the wedding planning process rather stressful if you were intending to have a large wedding. I know some people get very hung up on the frippery of weddings so if that's important to you, you should probably wait.

 

But I don't think there's anything fundamentally different about the experience of med school as a married person vs. someone in a serious relationship such that it would be necessary to avoid getting married during those years. You most likely won't be the only married student. I know there are several in my class, me among them.

[penguin04]

Just a consideration (and one I've considered with my SO): government loan programs tend to give you less when you're married/common law. Though my SO and I live together, we haven't lived together long enough to be considered common law yet. And once we have been considered common law, it will be my fourth year of medicine after I've already received my last government loan instalment. I've figured because of that, it's best for us to wait until 4th year to consider getting married.

 

But I'm practical to a fault, haha! Do whatever makes you happiest

[newmed2016]

I just got married and starting med next summer (defered to finish masters at same school)...it's really not a big deal. Get married now if you want, or later if you want....med school shouldn't be the deciding factor! Life after marriage is pretty much the same as before, just still find it weird to say I have a husband haha

[makingfetchhappen]

First time poster, accepted medical student with a long term SO, non-traditional, a bit older than the average 21 year old and we like to think much more mature than our age group.

 

Looking to hear thoughts on anything related to marriage and medicine!

 

We are very serious and looking to get married sooner, rather than later. Have had extensive conversations about my career path and what it means to be a SO of a doctor, etc. SO still is on board, to my amazement, and will be the one working while i attend school, and get to residency level.

 

We've been getting cautions/suggestions from family, that we should wait until medical school is complete before making such a big decision. 

 

Currently fatigued, and not writing proper sentences, will add more detail soon.

 

People are telling you that you should wait until after med school "before making such a big decision".

 

This is well meaning advice, but I personally do not agree with it. If the two of you have decided that you want to spend your lives together, then you have decided! Congratulations!

 

You shouldn't delay making a commitment to each other just because you are about to go through a busy time with lots of change. Life is full of busy times with lots of change. The whole point is that you have decided to stick together unconditionally right?

 

The point above is a good one about student loans. This will also go for needs-based bursaries, so it is a factor to consider.

 

There are also a lot of legal rights that go along with marriage.  You can plan some of these yourself outside of marriage, with things like a cohabitation agreement and wills for both of you. 

 

A lot of people go into these big decisions without understanding the consequence. For example, I have seen lots of people remarry and then pass away thinking that the will they had before the marriage still stands. Then the families are left to fight over who gets what. Not pretty. 

 

I'd go see a lawyer if I were in your shoes. In fact, I AM a lawyer and I would still go see one if I were in your shoes because it's not the type of law I practice and it is very important and easy to miss something.  

[marriageinmedicine]

Thank you for the thoughts so far. There is some excellent advice in this thread, none that is any new to me, but helps to get a different perspective.

We are both living together and will continue so through medical school onward. We have had extensive conversations about all the different possibilities, and are both "planners" so to say. 

The loss in student loan money is of small concern, my SO will be working and I have access to my LOC and would still get some student loans.

As for the lawyer comment, one close to our family was the one specifically who provided the advice that we at least see what first year of medical school is like before deciding to marry etc. She, i feel is framed with the medical doctors that they deal with in their practice (divorce etc). She is of the mindset, that we don't need to rush to get married and see how things go during medical school - as I have the potential to change drastically through the experience etc. I'm not so sure I agree with this, and if so, I understand that marriage is a lot of work, that I am willing to do when possible - and that we would diverge and hopefully converge back and forth throughout our long lives. While yes, we have our whole lives to be married - I just get a feeling of dissonance at the thought of putting off marriage, even just for a few years, because "medical school is tough and people change". While not opposed to this wait, we have logistical concerns and considerations of when my medical school time off would allow for a large wedding with guests from over the world etc.  We are definitely not ones to get stuck on details too much and are good at keeping it simple. The main thing is being able to plan it in such a way that both our close families are able to attend, as they are not located in the same countries.  


Also, thank you makingfetchhappen for the congratulations, that is so nice to hear(read)...

 

[older]

People are telling you that you should wait until after med school "before making such a big decision".

 

This is well meaning advice, but I personally do not agree with it. If the two of you have decided that you want to spend your lives together, then you have decided! Congratulations!

 

You shouldn't delay making a commitment to each other just because you are about to go through a busy time with lots of change. Life is full of busy times with lots of change. The whole point is that you have decided to stick together unconditionally right?

 

The point above is a good one about student loans. This will also go for needs-based bursaries, so it is a factor to consider.

 

There are also a lot of legal rights that go along with marriage.  You can plan some of these yourself outside of marriage, with things like a cohabitation agreement and wills for both of you. 

 

A lot of people go into these big decisions without understanding the consequence. For example, I have seen lots of people remarry and then pass away thinking that the will they had before the marriage still stands. Then the families are left to fight over who gets what. Not pretty. 

 

I'd go see a lawyer if I were in your shoes. In fact, I AM a lawyer and I would still go see one if I were in your shoes because it's not the type of law I practice and it is very important and easy to miss something.

 

 

Legal twists can be endless. Classic case: one was  married in med school whilst the spouse worked to help  going through med school. After the doctor goes through all the  training and establihes high earning position, he/she dumps the spouse (there may not be a causal efect, people divorce for many reasons). Then what? The "working" spouse is entitled to a part of future earnings?

[thatonekid]

we have logistical concerns and considerations of when my medical school time off would allow for a large wedding with guests from over the world etc. 

 

 

Based on my classmates' experiences, it seems like this is the biggest issue. I found that there quite a few classmates who got married the summer between preclerkship/clerkship and a bunch of the rest just got married post-medical school/graduation. That way, they weren't busy with academic concerns and were able to take the time off for the wedding/vacation.

[marriageinmedicine]

Based on my classmates' experiences, it seems like this is the biggest issue. I found that there quite a few classmates who got married the summer between preclerkship/clerkship and a bunch of the rest just got married post-medical school/graduation. That way, they weren't busy with academic concerns and were able to take the time off for the wedding/vacation.

I have heard similar things from friends currently in medicine. It seems like for those who already know they want to get married, before they begin medicine, they tend to do it between M1/M2 and M2/M3. Others, who decide to get married at some point during their medical education, tend to do before postgrad/pre-residency- as they often missed the chance(as not being at that point of committing to marriage earlier on in M1/M2).

 

For us, summer M1/M2 works best for satisfying many things(many of which would be anticipated needs of those who would attend the wedding also!). It's just hard trying to explain that to some people who think we should wait until M4 etc, when some factors of our decision making is also to their benefit.

 

 

 

 

[thatonekid]

I have heard similar things from friends currently in medicine. It seems like for those who already know they want to get married, before they begin medicine, they tend to do it between M1/M2 and M2/M3. Others, who decide to get married at some point during their medical education, tend to do before postgrad/pre-residency- as they often missed the chance(as not being at that point of committing to marriage earlier on in M1/M2).

 

For us, summer M1/M2 works best for satisfying many things(many of which would be anticipated needs of those who would attend the wedding also!). It's just hard trying to explain that to some people who think we should wait until M4 etc, when some factors of our decision making is also to their benefit.

 

 

 

 

 

If there's a time that works best for you, go for it!

 

There's actually more than one person I can think of who entered into medical school in a relationship, but didn't get married until after graduation, and it occasionally put strains on the relationship. Med school is sometimes tough and I think there's something to be said for knowing that you're married to the person and not having it be something you think about/plan for 4 years.

[makingfetchhappen]

Legal twists can be endless. Classic case: one was  married in med school whilst the spouse worked to help  going through med school. After the doctor goes through all the  training and establihes high earning position, he/she dumps the spouse (there may not be a causal efect, people divorce for many reasons). Then what? The "working" spouse is entitled to a part of future earnings?

In a lot of cases, the spouse who sacrificed to get the other through training would get nothing. They are entitled to half of the net family property accumulated during the marriage, but that could be nothing. They wouldn't get spousal support because they had not been supported by the medical student before the split. 

 

I would want to have a marriage contract or cohabitation agreement if I were in this situation. If I were the medical student, I would would want my spouse to have the peace of mind that things would be fair if the worst happened. If I were the supporting spouse, damn right I would be getting an agreement! I really hope I never get divorced, but at least I can make sure that I don't get screwed over if it happened. 

[marriageinmedicine]

If there's a time that works best for you, go for it!

 

There's actually more than one person I can think of who entered into medical school in a relationship, but didn't get married until after graduation, and it occasionally put strains on the relationship. Med school is sometimes tough and I think there's something to be said for knowing that you're married to the person and not having it be something you think about/plan for 4 years.

I think that is a good thought, about knowing you are married and know you will do what you can to make it work. 

[marriageinmedicine]

One thing my close family has said is that, despite me being mature and have already had a lot of life experience - they seem to think that no one my age (25-27 range), can know for sure. And that everyone else who has been a physician and gotten married during medical school, probably thought the same about "knowing" when to get married,  but then 50% get divorced etc.

These comments are just me talking out loud at this point. Ultimately it is our decision, and we have more or less decided. But at the same time, we want to do our best to make sure we don't cause a rift of sorts by not taking other's thoughts into consideration (to an extent anyways!)

[makingfetchhappen]

Thank you for the thoughts so far. There is some excellent advice in this thread, none that is any new to me, but helps to get a different perspective.

 

We are both living together and will continue so through medical school onward. We have had extensive conversations about all the different possibilities, and are both "planners" so to say. 

 

The loss in student loan money is of small concern, my SO will be working and I have access to my LOC and would still get some student loans.

As for the lawyer comment, one close to our family was the one specifically who provided the advice that we at least see what first year of medical school is like before deciding to marry etc. She, i feel is framed with the medical doctors that they deal with in their practice (divorce etc). She is of the mindset, that we don't need to rush to get married and see how things go during medical school - as I have the potential to change drastically through the experience etc. I'm not so sure I agree with this, and if so, I understand that marriage is a lot of work, that I am willing to do when possible - and that we would diverge and hopefully converge back and forth throughout our long lives. While yes, we have our whole lives to be married - I just get a feeling of dissonance at the thought of putting off marriage, even just for a few years, because "medical school is tough and people change". While not opposed to this wait, we have logistical concerns and considerations of when my medical school time off would allow for a large wedding with guests from over the world etc.  We are definitely not ones to get stuck on details too much and are good at keeping it simple. The main thing is being able to plan it in such a way that both our close families are able to attend, as they are not located in the same countries.  

 

 

Also, thank you makingfetchhappen for the congratulations, that is so nice to hear(read)...

 

 

 

 

 

No offence to your family friend who is a lawyer, but I don't think that she is an expert when it comes from this specific opinion.

 

If her opinion is being informed by seeing lots of unhappy doctors who are getting divorced, it's not really coming from her expertise as a lawyer. 

 

There are going to be legal ramifications whether you get married or not. You will have to plan for them.

 

What this woman seems to be talking to you about is the emotional ramifications.

 

There are emotional ramifications of both paths:

 

If you get married now and it turns out that your spouse should not have signed on to this whole doctor thing, the emotional consequence is that this breakup is going to be more difficult than if you were just living together. There is also a risk that one or both of you might feel stuck because you are married and stay in an unhappy relationship that otherwise would have ended.

 

If you delay marriage for medical school, there is a risk that the relationship will suffer. Maybe it will be more likely to end because one or both of you will feel like the other is not committed, and therefore put less work into the relationship because of it, or be more likely to bail when the going gets tough. Maybe he will feel unhappy that he is supporting you emotionally and financially through this tough time without having formalized your commitment.

 

A lawyer is not better suited than anyone else at helping you decide which of these paths is less risky .

 

It's a question that you need really need to find within yourself, and also with talking to your significant other. I know this is a little nerdy, but I would actually look into what the psychological/sociological research has to say, and I would actually use that to some extent. It also doesn't hurt to listen to your well meaning friends and family. There's definitely wisdom and insight that comes from age and you get to benefit from listening to your elders. But, it doesn't mean that someone older is always going to give you the right advice either.  

 

[marriageinmedicine]

You are well spoken, thank you

And definitely the family friend did not wholly frame it in that sense, but the thoughts were expressed as such. They actually suggested we see how the first semester goes, and if its still good - then go for it on our own accord during summer M1/M2. The tough part of that, which we would not mind at all, is that planning a wedding and inviting people 6 months before is pretty impossible in our situation. I mean we could pre-book venues, but it would look kinda silly to say "We will likely have our wedding M1/M2 summer, but please dont book your flights or confirm plans until after we get through first term". I feel like that sort of half-measure would amplify the concerns etc.

 

It looks like the summer of M2/M3 for us would not work, as some key family members would not be able to travel at the time my school gives the very limited vacation between M2/M3.

The alternative would be to do it during the very beginning of M3, which would be July, and only 1 month into rotations, which could work too.  But that would be unideal in many ways too, if the rotation is particularly tough - or I am unable to get a Friday off etc. I feel like during clinicals, I have less freedom to plan my own scheduling compared to pre-clinicals.

 

[bakercyclist]

I know lots of people in common-law relationships who aren't married, and it's not because they're not committed to each other. Personally, there's a lot of other things I'd rather spend the money on. Anyway. What's the reason you have to get married if you're already living together? Is it because you need to sign a paper to feel committed so that you can never end the relationship because it's too much paperwork? Is it because you want to show your family and friends how committed you are? Is it for tax or legal reasons?

 

You know your relationship better than your relatives, so if you feel like it's the right time, go for it! If said relatives are paying for it, just wait. It shouldn't change the relationship that much. Just change your facebook status to "engaged" and everyone will know how serious you are.

[Birdy]

One thing my close family has said is that, despite me being mature and have already had a lot of life experience - they seem to think that no one my age (25-27 range), can know for sure. And that everyone else who has been a physician and gotten married during medical school, probably thought the same about "knowing" when to get married, but then 50% get divorced etc.

 

These comments are just me talking out loud at this point. Ultimately it is our decision, and we have more or less decided. But at the same time, we want to do our best to make sure we don't cause a rift of sorts by not taking other's thoughts into consideration (to an extent anyways!)

I got married when I was 19 (my husband was 25) and we'll have been married nine years this summer.

 

We're a bit atypical given our ages when we married, but I'm annoyed when people use youth alone as a reason to discount someone's desire to marry their SO. We've been through hell and back over the last nine years and we remain as committed as ever.

 

N=1 and all that, but mid to late twenties is a fairly normal time to marry. As far as I can recall, there's not much of a difference in divorce rate for people in their late twenties vs. early thirties.

 

Don't make this decision based on what other people think you should do. I would strongly suggest meeting with a premarital counsellor of some sort if you do want the input of a neutral third party.

 

Best of luck with everything. My marriage is the rock on which the rest of my life is built and I am glad I got married when I did.

[marriageinmedicine]

I got married when I was 19 (my husband was 25) and we'll have been married nine years this summer.

 

We're a bit atypical given our ages when we married, but I'm annoyed when people use youth alone as a reason to discount someone's desire to marry their SO. We've been through hell and back over the last nine years and we remain as committed as ever.

 

N=1 and all that, but mid to late twenties is a fairly normal time to marry. As far as I can recall, there's not much of a difference in divorce rate for people in their late twenties vs. early thirties.

 

Don't make this decision based on what other people think you should do. I would strongly suggest meeting with a premarital counsellor of some sort if you do want the input of a neutral third party.

 

Best of luck with everything. My marriage is the rock on which the rest of my life is built and I am glad I got married when I did.

Yes, we've definitely talked it out a lot and it is really important to us to become married and start this new transition in our life (for other reasons as well, as my SO uprooted alone to our current location years ago to study before we met) together and grow apart and back together through the challenges of life, particularly my career choice in the immediate future. 

 

I still enjoy reading others commentaries!

 

 

[CharmingHedgehog]

You are well spoken, thank you

And definitely the family friend did not wholly frame it in that sense, but the thoughts were expressed as such. They actually suggested we see how the first semester goes, and if its still good - then go for it on our own accord during summer M1/M2. The tough part of that, which we would not mind at all, is that planning a wedding and inviting people 6 months before is pretty impossible in our situation. I mean we could pre-book venues, but it would look kinda silly to say "We will likely have our wedding M1/M2 summer, but please dont book your flights or confirm plans until after we get through first term". I feel like that sort of half-measure would amplify the concerns etc.

 

It looks like the summer of M2/M3 for us would not work, as some key family members would not be able to travel at the time my school gives the very limited vacation between M2/M3.

The alternative would be to do it during the very beginning of M3, which would be July, and only 1 month into rotations, which could work too. But that would be unideal in many ways too, if the rotation is particularly tough - or I am unable to get a Friday off etc. I feel like during clinicals, I have less freedom to plan my own scheduling compared to pre-clinicals.

 

Don't get married in the beginning of clerkship. That is most definitely not a good idea. Don't don't don't don't do it. You will be adjusting to so many new things like the hospital system, a new location, new expectations, stressing to impress people etc etc. trying to worry about a wedding on top of it would be very chaotic and unideal! Not sure if you are in a three or four year program -- but if you are supposed to be on electives during that time, it would be even worse.

People in my class got married during M1/M2, M2/M3, and tonnes got married after graduation! Several of my classmates already have children, and they are <27 yo at graduation

[marriageinmedicine]

Don't get married in the beginning of clerkship. That is most definitely not a good idea. Don't don't don't don't do it. You will be adjusting to so many new things like the hospital system, a new location, new expectations, stressing to impress people etc etc. trying to worry about a wedding on top of it would be very chaotic and unideal! Not sure if you are in a three or four year program -- but if you are supposed to be on electives during that time, it would be even worse.

People in my class got married during M1/M2, M2/M3, and tonnes got married after graduation! Several of my classmates already have children, and they are <27 yo at graduation

Thanks for your thoughts and warning on not doing it at beginning of clerkship - was worth a shot fielding the idea

 

I will be at a 4yr program the time between m2/m3 summer is quite short and inconvenient, which lead me to think maybe doing it not far after *could* work - but it is clear that is a big no-no. 

 

M1/M2 summer it is! 

 

Anyone else been in this situation, and consciously decided to choose after graduation/before residency compared to m1/m2 summer(the last "real" summer)?  

[older]

In a lot of cases, the spouse who sacrificed to get the other through training would get nothing. They are entitled to half of the net family property accumulated during the marriage, but that could be nothing. They wouldn't get spousal support because they had not been supported by the medical student before the split. 

 

I would want to have a marriage contract or cohabitation agreement if I were in this situation. If I were the medical student, I would would want my spouse to have the peace of mind that things would be fair if the worst happened. If I were the supporting spouse, damn right I would be getting an agreement! I really hope I never get divorced, but at least I can make sure that I don't get screwed over if it happened. 

 

Isn't the spouse who worked also "entitled" to half of the debt?  As a part of the net family property?

[makingfetchhappen]

Isn't the spouse who worked also "entitled" to half of the debt? As a part of the net family property?

I haven't touched family law since I wrote the bar many moons ago, lol. But, I am pretty sure you cannot be forced to pay another person's debt in any situation unless you have agreed to be a guarantor.

 

But the debt would affect the net family property calculation yes. I'm not sure if government student loans have special treatment, but that would be the less significant part of it.

[marriageinmedicine]

I was engaged in first year dental school and had planned to get married that first summer.

After sitting down with a family lawyer I realized just how ill equipped the legal system is to deal with the particularly weird financial situation of med/dent students and marriage.

Not only that, but school was so consuming, it took all the fun and excitement out of being engaged. It so overshadowed it, it felt like such a secondary thing, which just felt wrong in so many ways. Ultimately, we ended up breaking up anyway, so the point was moot.

That said, I know a few people who got married during the program, and it always seemed like something that got squeezed in between school years.

 

Being on the other end of school now, I can definitely say that after school is done would be a way more fun time to get married.

Sorry to hear that I think that is the fear of some of my family, and why they want the marriage after M4. 

 

But the problem with medicine is, it doesnt ever "end", i would likely have a 2 year residency at minimum if i chose FM, but more likely 5-7 years if i choose a different field and possibly do fellowships. So it only gets harder, not easier...  

 

I think m1/m2 is ample time with 2-3 months off. Planning isn't too big of an issue, as we both are simple. We know we will have to deal with family opinions on things, which is fine and we just both need to be on the same page with each other first and foremost.

 

 

[Bambi]

Any Marriage Contract or Domestic Agreement can/will be set aside unless each party has obtained their own independent legal advice.