How Can I Deal With My Mother? I Need Really Need Advice.

[Dr. Tenma]

For the past 2 years, my mother has been on my case with Medical school applications. 

I'll give you a brief background of myself and explain what the situation is

I am IP for UofC, UofA, UBC. 

I am currently 24 years old. 
My GPA is 85.1% for UBC, 3.75 for Alberta and calgary. 

509 MCAT (equivalent to 9 VR) (retaking this summer)

Graduated with bsc science in biochemistry in 2015
For the 2015-2016 cycle I got rejected from all 3 (Knew this would happen, Just wanted to see my scores and where I can improve)
For the 2016-2017 cycle I got Interview at UBC with 23.3 AQ, 34.7 NAQ and around 58.00 TFR (Average for those who got interviewed was around 59). It was my first time interviewing and I really didn't know how to practice and I winged most of the stations. Below Average interview. I kinda expected this, so I wasn't really upset. I know how to approach the interview better this time around. Life goes on. 

I have improved my application for the 2017-2018 cycle significantly so I am hoping for 60+ TFR.


Unfortunately my mother's attitude these past two years has been that Canadian Medical schools are basically impossible to get into, or they're a complete waste of time. She believes they are subpar quality as well. She's been telling me to go to Carribean, Ireland or Poland and "Stop wasting time". I've tried so many times to explain to her what it is to be a IMG, how difficult it is to come back, and how my life will still be a crapshoot for the next 4-5 years and there's a chance that I can never become a doctor. She doesn't care. She wants me to be in medical school even if its in Romania. She doesn't listen to me. I've tried to show her statistics of the grim reality of being a IMG and that most people who go either never applied to Canadian medical schools or they never even got interviews. I've tried showing her that my scores are competitive. She tells me they're not, and that my GPA is below average for those who got interviews. She listens to others and has done so for most of her life. Complete strangers or friends who know someone who knows someone who went to the Carribean and now "they're back". For the past two years I've tried to reason with her. US MD and DO I have considered but we certainly do not have the funds for it even with a LOC. She doesn't care, "Just apply" and we'll figure it out later. "Just get in somewhere". And when I try to reason with her, she takes it personally and tells me I never respect or listen to her opinions. 

It is extremely discouraging to have spent so many nights and days studying, volunteering and improving myself to be a better person and a more suitable doctor for the past 5 years and have to hear this from someone who constantly tells you to basically give up and go overseas. I really did consider overseas at one point, but that was before my first UBC rejection and after I found out my NAQ was in the high 20s (I expected LOW 10s because I really didn't think my ECs were that competitive, and seriously considered overseas then). In addition to all of this, I am Iranian and another Trump style visa ban could ruin my life when I am applying for residency in the US.

I know she is worried but this is seriously taking its toll on me. I am completely lost as to what I should do or how I can explain the situation to her. 

[Bambi]

When I was 18, I stopped listening to my mother despite living under the same roof. Whenever we disagreed on any subject, she would shout and I ignored her, following my gut. We love each other and slowly, she learned to respect me as an adult. It was a learning curve for her. As an adult, I have always made my own decisions. Only you live with the consequences of your decisions and therefore, the decisions must be yours. With great respect, this is not your problem, rather it is her problem.

[yellow daisy]

Hey Ayanami,

 

I really sorry to hear what you've been going through, and I admire your strength and courage to keep applying to Canadian medical schools - some people give up after a few tries - so good on you for persistence. 

 

I've been through what you're going through, parents who weren't happy and discouraged with my rejection year after year (it took me 5 tries to finally get in), but the fact that you're improving your application each year shows your dedication and commitment to pursuing this profession.

 

Going overseas is not the solution for everyone - it's extremely expensive and coming back for residency can be challenging. I know many friends who have gone overseas only to face incredible difficulty coming back and have the enormous stress of financial debt. 

 

Let's chat further! Depending on where you live, I'd be happy to help you with your application/interview in person or over Skype! 

 

Your GPA and as your AQ and NAQ stats are already better than mine! Remember if medicine is really what you want, then it's not "if", but "when".

[JohnGrisham]

When I was 18, I stopped listening to my mother despite living under the same roof. Whenever we disagreed on any subject, she would shout and I ignored her, following my gut. We love each other and slowly, she learned to respect me as an adult. It was a learning curve for her. As an adult, I have always made my own decisions. Only you live with the consequences of your decisions and therefore, the decisions must be yours. With great respect, this is not your problem, rather it is her problem.

This. Took me until I was 20-21. You have to learn to set respectful boundaries. Working with a counsellor could help too if you dont know where to start.

 

Start learning and working on this soon. Its a slow and ongoing process. Takes time and you have to ease into it.

 

One thing to remember, is if your parents are anything like mine - they are old and stuck in their ways. So even after almost a decade of working on this with them, they still dont always understand or are happy with how things work out (or not for them etc). Sometimes I feel guilty, but remember what Bambi said above pretty much to a T.  I have to live my life, and be happy with it, even if sometimes it means not doing what my family wants etc.  Sometimes 2 steps back, one step forward etc.

[bearded frog]

She believes they are subpar quality as well. 

Compared to the Caribbean or Romania? lol

 

Keep it up OP, work on improving your ECs and your MCAT. Consider applying broadly across the country as well to improve your odds.

[FeelingTheBern]

Unfortunately my mother's attitude these past two years has been that Canadian Medical schools are basically impossible to get into, or they're a complete waste of time. She believes they are subpar quality as well. She's been telling me to go to Carribean, Ireland or Poland and "Stop wasting time". I've tried so many times to explain to her what it is to be a IMG, how difficult it is to come back, and how my life will still be a crapshoot for the next 4-5 years and there's a chance that I can never become a doctor. She doesn't care. She wants me to be in medical school even if its in Romania. She doesn't listen to me. I've tried to show her statistics of the grim reality of being a IMG and that most people who go either never applied to Canadian medical schools or they never even got interviews. I've tried showing her that my scores are competitive. She tells me they're not, and that my GPA is below average for those who got interviews. She listens to others and has done so for most of her life. Complete strangers or friends who know someone who knows someone who went to the Carribean and now "they're back". For the past two years I've tried to reason with her. US MD and DO I have considered but we certainly do not have the funds for it even with a LOC. She doesn't care, "Just apply" and we'll figure it out later. "Just get in somewhere". And when I try to reason with her, she takes it personally and tells me I never respect or listen to her opinions. 

 

No offence to your mother, but she clearly has no idea what she talking about. Multiple Canadian medical schools consistently rank in the World's top 100 regardless of the ranking methodology.

 

Similar to what Bambi said, I think there comes a certain point in one's life when you realize (or have to realize) that your parents are not the "almighty" "always right" human beings that you thought they were. There are many occasions when kids outgrow their parents, and career development is one of them. The parents' knowledge and experience no longer holds the same rigour and merit it once used to UNLESS they walked the same career path (i.e. they also are doctors). 

 

I think parents have a harder time transitioning between being parents to vulnerable child/teen vs. an adult who make the right decision 99% of the time (my mom would refute the actual proportion of correct decision made). I think for a couple of years (sometimes a lot more), they still see you as the vulnerable child (although you'll always be their baby).

 

From a personal experience, I saw a major change in my mom when I entered university.

 

She no longer hounded me about my marks, or what courses I was taking. Whenever I did tell her about my worries (upcoming exams, papers I handed in), she just told me, "I know you work very hard, and I'm sure you did okay. If not, I know you'll know what to do next or who to talk to". She just kind of gave me the reassurance and vote of confidence that I needed. I'm lucky to have a mom who recognizes that any troubles I face in school or in professional settings are now out of her scope. It doesn't mean she doesn't care or help, because she does her best to support me in other ways (i.e. sending me tons of home cooked meals). 

So don't get me wrong, my mom is still vocal in other parts of my life: friendships, finding the right person to date, what to look for in a house, how to spend my student loans more wisely... etc. It's just that my career and career development is something she realizes she cannot help me with.

 

Just know that your mom is just looking out for you, and voicing what SHE thinks is the smartest move. But if you need vote of reassurance, I think you are making the right decision to stay. If you got an interview at UBC this year, I think you can get an interview at UofC with additional work on the top 10.

[canucks_14]

Are you still being supported by them? 24 is a little old to still be supported by your parents. Maybe that's part of the reason she wants you in ASAP. Also for an older immigrant like that, you can imagine how they would call BS on their son or daughter who is saying how impossible it is for a carib grad to come back, when she knows 2 or 3 docs here who went to the Carib....that would actually confuse anyone outside of the premed community actually, people who arent in the know about the details of this stuff.

 

What is the issue for Carib again anyways? Is it just like 100 spots for like 10k applications type thing?

[Chaplin]

 

Hey Ayanami,

 

I really sorry to hear what you've been going through, and I admire your strength and courage to keep applying to Canadian medical schools - some people give up after a few tries - so good on you for persistence. 

 

I've been through what you're going through, parents who weren't happy and discouraged with my rejection year after year (it took me 5 tries to finally get in), but the fact that you're improving your application each year shows your dedication and commitment to pursuing this profession.

 

Going overseas is not the solution for everyone - it's extremely expensive and coming back for residency can be challenging. I know many friends who have gone overseas only to face incredible difficulty coming back and have the enormous stress of financial debt. 

 

Let's chat further! Depending on where you live, I'd be happy to help you with your application/interview in person or over Skype! 

 

Your GPA and as your AQ and NAQ stats are already better than mine! Remember if medicine is really what you want, then it's not "if", but "when".

 

 

I'd be happy to discuss my application too. A question though. Many people offer help and then it turns out to be paid. So is your help free or how much are you charging for coaching?

[Pippa756]

Hey OP - you need to find a way to to start asserting your boundaries. This can be really difficulty especially if you are in a position where you feel beholden to your parents - justifiably or not. There are lots of great resources online for developing your assertiveness in the face of this  type of pressure. Even if it is  a family member, and even if they think they are doing right by you, at the end of the day it is your life and your decisions. You don't owe your mom anything other than treating her with the respect and love she shows you. Be careful not to think otherwise, it can lead to some really bad pathways for you (and her).

 

Wishing you all the best!