silvrsleuth Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 I know this is generally more a med advice than life advice place, but this is kinda the only place I could ask! Generally, I'm a private person, and I don't usually like to go around telling everyone my future plans. Since I'm in the process of wrapping up my Masters, and doing a bit of on-the-side studying for the science pre-reqs I need but not taking any science courses yet, no one really knows about my commitment to pursing medicine right now, beyond one close friend who is also pursing medicine. Basically, I don't want to hear everyone's opinion on it, and have them checking up on me, before I'm in the thick of things (ie: writing an MCAT, or even getting interviews). However, this is my last year of my masters, and since my undergrad GPA could use a boost (rockin' a 3.2 right now, thankyaverymuch, with zero science courses), my plan was to return for one more year of school, since I had a pretty great final year GPA in my undergrad, get the prerqs, and start applying. if i got in right away, that would make me 28 or 29 when i start. My problem: I live with my partner of many, many years, who very kindly moved across several provinces so that we could be together while I got my Masters. He suspects, but I have not confirmed, my desire to apply to med school, and he is NOT very pleased with the idea of me taking any more time to study anything. The thing is, I totally understand him: I'm already in considerable debt, and my continuing full time studies in a random science undergrad means more debt, and more time with no income coming in. In all our time together, we've never travelled, we can't afford a wedding, and we rent sketchy one bedroom apartments because we're broke. So, my going back for a year of undergrad science postpones my alternative career plans in public health, gets me nowhere if I don't get in, and continues to delay any 'upgrades' in our personal future. SO... what do I do? Knowing full well that no one can actually tell me what is best for me and I need to figure that out and blahblah... does anyone else have an experience like this at all? Is is smarter to work for year and try to chip away at the debt, and THEN go back, or better to grit my teeth, do one more year of science, and then (assuming the grades are good) be relatively free to just keep applying for a few years while I work on advancing my non-medicine career? And if I do the science courses, how do I tell him that he's going to be the sole income earner for yet another year? If it makes a difference, we're not having kids, so it's not like there is "biological clock ticking" factoring in here. Any thoughts appreciated, and thanks for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayven Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 The longer you wait, the harder it'll be for you to pursue meds in the future. I'm thinking once you find a full-time job that it'll be hard to quit the job to go back to school for a full-course load (full-course load or it won't count towards any special GPA calculations at various schools). It'll be especially hard to quit your job if your lifestyle suddenly changes and you rack up more debt (ie you move out of that room, mortgage a house, appliances, etc). That and your partner probably wants to fill your belly with his seed. lol That'll throw you off-schedule for another 9 months give or take and then those things tend to live for another 90 years or so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katsvo Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 I don't think you're the only one in this situation. I suspect there's many of us in this boat... I guess it comes down to how supportive your partner is and how much is it really costing both of you (not just moneywise.. ) the question is - do you want to be a doctor badly enough to sacrifice the other stuff for now... ALSO have you considered distance learning? maybe you can do both- job as well as pre-reqs. I know this option wouldn't probably allow you to repay any debt, but at least it might enable you to pay the price for the distance learning courses- so the debt hole isn't even deeper. anyways, good luck! hope you can figure something out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toodlee Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 You need another year of good grades so don't forget to sign up for some other courses along with your pre-reqs. I think the above poster is right, it all comes down to how much you want it and how much of a 'risk' he is willing to take in going along for the ride. This could be a matter of short term pain, long term gain. Although not in a similar situation, I can appreciate the problems you may be facing. I got out of a relationship last year that was headed no where because I knew my life would be consumed by meds for the next two years. This year I'm committed to doing my best to stay out of relationships period ( my friends think I'm crazy b/c they are all in the process of getting married). If I were in your position I would... - explain to him how important it is for me to attain this dream. You said you are reluctant to share your dreams and aspirations with others ( save your other premed friend) but since your partner is a huge part of ur life I think its time you sincerely let him in and let him know what's good. Why you want this so much and how much his support would mean to you. - Ask him to sit down and engage in a practical brainstorming session on how you can go about this in the most efficient sort of way of approaching the next few years. Come to an agreement about time lines etc and what each of you are willing to compromise on. You've probably invested a lot in this relationship and care for him so see how far you can both compromise without disregarding each of your dreams and goals. Communication will be the determining factor. Best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayven Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 I think the scariest thing is that even doing another year of undergrad is no guarantee. You could even bomb a course and that entire year would be wasted. It's a tough call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnomey Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 I put off going back to school until i was 35, now I am 41 and on my 5th attempt, so you could be in the same boat as me, not getting in the first time and reapplying. Each year it gets harder on my marriage b/c everything is on hold,. No vacations, or big purchases in case i get in. I think we have come to the end of our journey this year when I told him I want to be a Dr even if it means leaving the country and him. How much do you want this? Are you willing to lose him? Will this be a huge regret if you don't pursue your dream? No one can answer this but you. All the best in your decisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finks Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 I am in a similar situation. I applied last year at 28 and didn't get in and am applying again this year and putting my life and my husbands life on hold for another year. I was 24 when I went back to school, and then finished my degree at 28. Although my husband has to wait for me to get in and we too are living in a small basement appartment, which we have just been asked to leave!, he supports me fully. I was very honest with him and very upfront about it and he has been great when I too wasnt sure he would be able to handle it. He even said if I don't get in this year he is ok with a 3rd try. I do have a back up plan which I will start putting into motion this year but I have to say my drive to be a doctor is greater than even I realized. When I was rejected in May my interest and passion only grew so I think as you apply you may find the same if becoming a doctor is really for you. It may sound harsh but I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't want me to follow my dreams. As for another year at school, if you want to do it and are focused you can rock it and put yourself in a good position to get in, so I say go for it!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silvrsleuth Posted September 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 thanks everyone - i think more than anything, i appreciate that i'm not just imagining this to be a legitimate problem. i'm sure it's a position many non-trad students find themselves in, once no one is expecting them to be a student anymore. i know in the end, he'd support me, because he has so far, but it feels like such a gamble... which is funny, because it wouldn't have been only a few years ago when i was actually IN my undergrad. and rayven, that's totally it: i've never 'done' hardcore science, so i'm terrified that i'll sign up, bomb first year bio, and then it's all for nothing. i know things like that can't hold you back in the big picture, but right now, it's more than a little daunting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 thanks everyone - i think more than anything, i appreciate that i'm not just imagining this to be a legitimate problem. i'm sure it's a position many non-trad students find themselves in, once no one is expecting them to be a student anymore. i know in the end, he'd support me, because he has so far, but it feels like such a gamble... which is funny, because it wouldn't have been only a few years ago when i was actually IN my undergrad. and rayven, that's totally it: i've never 'done' hardcore science, so i'm terrified that i'll sign up, bomb first year bio, and then it's all for nothing. i know things like that can't hold you back in the big picture, but right now, it's more than a little daunting. Hey there, Check your PM box. Haly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vabandaga Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 I put off going back to school until i was 35, now I am 41 and on my 5th attempt, so you could be in the same boat as me, not getting in the first time and reapplying. Each year it gets harder on my marriage b/c everything is on hold,. No vacations, or big purchases in case i get in. I think we have come to the end of our journey this year when I told him I want to be a Dr even if it means leaving the country and him. How much do you want this? Are you willing to lose him? Will this be a huge regret if you don't pursue your dream? No one can answer this but you. All the best in your decisions. Ouch...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayven Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 I put off going back to school until i was 35, now I am 41 and on my 5th attempt, so you could be in the same boat as me, not getting in the first time and reapplying. Each year it gets harder on my marriage b/c everything is on hold,. No vacations, or big purchases in case i get in. I think we have come to the end of our journey this year when I told him I want to be a Dr even if it means leaving the country and him. How much do you want this? Are you willing to lose him? Will this be a huge regret if you don't pursue your dream? No one can answer this but you. All the best in your decisions. It sucks to be your husband... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnomey Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yup, it does, but we have had problems for a long time, we have been married for 17years and this has just brought everything to a head. When I found out I didn't get in despite being on the wait list all summer, his response was not exactly supportive and told me to give up. Won't get into it, but this is a common occurrance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avenir001 Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 It sucks to be your husband... i know u'd much rather be f_d's husband Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yup, it does, but we have had problems for a long time, we have been married for 17years and this has just brought everything to a head. When I found out I didn't get in despite being on the wait list all summer, his response was not exactly supportive and told me to give up. Won't get into it, but this is a common occurrance. I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like such a stressful situation for you. Good luck with everything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adversary Posted September 8, 2009 Report Share Posted September 8, 2009 Yup, it does, but we have had problems for a long time, we have been married for 17years and this has just brought everything to a head. When I found out I didn't get in despite being on the wait list all summer, his response was not exactly supportive and told me to give up. Won't get into it, but this is a common occurrance. I actually feel bad for your husband. 17 years is a long time to be supportive, even if not completely. I hope at the end, you feel it is worth it and not a waste of so many years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HBP Posted September 8, 2009 Report Share Posted September 8, 2009 I actually feel bad for your husband. 17 years is a long time to be supportive, even if not completely. I hope at the end, you feel it is worth it and not a waste of so many years. +1 I feel terrible for your husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorelan Posted September 8, 2009 Report Share Posted September 8, 2009 I actually feel bad for your husband. 17 years is a long time to be supportive, even if not completely. I hope at the end, you feel it is worth it and not a waste of so many years. Sounds like there are some long term issues on both side. Always tricky! Didn't the OP just go back to school 6 years ago, and going back for retraining is something pretty common now a days with the constant changing job market. It wasn't 17 years of attempts to get into medical school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnomey Posted September 8, 2009 Report Share Posted September 8, 2009 Wow, this thread has taken a turn! I know I sound like a ***** but honestly there are a lot of issues here, we have grown apart and I still love him but sometimes that isn't enough. He is a very difficult person to live with and both sides of the family wonder how I have put with things for as long as I have. I don't have to say anything, his actions speak volumes. I just think my long term happiness comes before his at the present time. I just thought Silversleuth might want my take on the stress involved with my endeavors to get into school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mariepar Posted April 10, 2010 Report Share Posted April 10, 2010 My chiropractor put it well: if you sacrifice your dreams for the sake of your partner, then you lose your partner, what have you got left? Not a hell of a lot besides regrets. What a waste of passion and potential. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnomey Posted April 10, 2010 Report Share Posted April 10, 2010 Thanks Marie, that is well put. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused007 Posted April 18, 2010 Report Share Posted April 18, 2010 I hope everything works ou for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karma Posted April 18, 2010 Report Share Posted April 18, 2010 Follow your dreams baby! So you won't have any regrets later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estairella Posted April 18, 2010 Report Share Posted April 18, 2010 My chiropractor put it well: if you sacrifice your dreams for the sake of your partner, then you lose your partner, what have you got left? Not a hell of a lot besides regrets. What a waste of passion and potential. lol isn't the opposite true too? If you sacrifice your partner for your dreams, then you never achieve your dreams, what have you got left? Not a hell of a lot besides regrets. What a waste of what could have been a long & fulfilling relationship. Clearly this chiropractor has never heard of compromise. I think it's easy to say things like 'pursue your dreams' when you're young and unattached. I think it's a little more naive when you're older. Case in point - isn't it convenient that he is at least earning an income? What if he had his own dream (which I'm sure he does, and I'm sure it doesn't include making a wage so ****ty that he can't even afford to travel or to support 1 other person)... you have to appreciate that he is putting his dreams on hold to "make it work" with you, and it can be difficult when you are only interested in pursuing yours. Having said that, it is only 1 year... if you can explain to him that you will only apply this year and if you don't get in, you've only lost a year.. I think it's okay. But if you don't get in and you keep reapplying, I doubt he will stay around that long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hastin11 Posted April 18, 2010 Report Share Posted April 18, 2010 Yup, it does, but we have had problems for a long time, we have been married for 17years and this has just brought everything to a head. When I found out I didn't get in despite being on the wait list all summer, his response was not exactly supportive and told me to give up. Won't get into it, but this is a common occurrance. Honestly, I dont mean to seem like Im attacking you, but some people seem to put med school on this insane pedistol that it will never live up to. Reading your other post, I had the reaction "damn...this is not worth it, not even close", and it seems other people did too. Would you be supportive of you in his position? If my long-term partner told me that they would choose a possible career that may not even ever work out unconditionally over our relationship I would leave them. Without hesitation. I often feel like Im playing devil's advocate around here, but I cant help but feel that if you ever get in, you will be initially extremely excited, but soon after you will think to yourself, "I sacrificed that much for THIS?!?!" Disclaimer: I am totally the other end of the spectrum, Im in my early 20s, have taken one year off, and already feel like Ive totally wasted my life trying to get in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adversary Posted April 18, 2010 Report Share Posted April 18, 2010 My sibling who is a family physician said that there is a popular saying "Medicine is a mistress" because it wants all your time. Most of my guy friends do not want to date girls in medicine for that reason. They aren't bad guys, but they realize it may end up like the other posters have stated where marriages will be ended and no compromises made. It's tough. I definitely admire those who pursue it. Honestly, I dont mean to seem like Im attacking you, but some people seem to put med school on this insane pedistol that it will never live up to. Reading your other post, I had the reaction "damn...this is not worth it, not even close", and it seems other people did too. Would you be supportive of you in his position? If my long-term partner told me that they would choose a possible career that may not even ever work out unconditionally over our relationship I would leave them. Without hesitation. I often feel like Im playing devil's advocate around here, but I cant help but feel that if you ever get in, you will be initially extremely excited, but soon after you will think to yourself, "I sacrificed that much for THIS?!?!" Disclaimer: I am totally the other end of the spectrum, Im in my early 20s, have taken one year off, and already feel like Ive totally wasted my life trying to get in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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