My co-resident is driving me crazy, what to do?

[MeAndMyCoresident]

Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I'm a third-year Psych resident in Ontario and I came into residency with one goal : complete my training, help my peers and have a balanced life doing so.
I get along with all my co-residents but there is that one specific person that has been overly immature, competitive, insecure and anxious since PGY1.
We are all aware of how she is and it has been bearable because we don't see each other that often.

Some examples : 

• Would complaint about residents not listening to online lectures during a Wellness day ;
• Would complaint about residents not staying until the end of all the question time on Academic Half Days;
• Would call out residents if they pulled out notes when answering a questions when pimped during online lectures;
• Would complaint about a resident leaving rounds earlier because he had to go see his sick dad that was hospitalized in the same hospital;
• Would complaint about fairness if a resident decided to attend a conference during a day she/he is off but the resident did not officially apply for a conference day because that would mean that the resident would not 'loose' a conference day since she/he is already off duty on that said day.

It was bearable since we minimally interacted up until this year.
Our program encourages us to pursue a master's during  our residency and interrupt our training without penalty.
It just so happens that I opted for that option and the only other person that has enrolled in that path is that co-resident.
Therefore, we are doing a master's and have the exact same classes.
She approached me to be her teamate in group projects.
I agreed since we are both psych residents with research interests.
I figured, why not and maybe we will get to know each other. 
Up so far, here are a few of the interactions we've had : 

• Would message me every time I did not show up to a lecture to ask me where I am ;
• Would pimp me if I told her I learn better on my own than in classrooms to test if I actually read the material of the week;
• Would question me once a week about my research project and how it was possible that I was more advanced than her;
• Would ask me to justify where I would be at a specific time when I said I was not available to meet her to work on something;
• Would ask for proof when I told her I felt sick and did not attend an activity.

Now I had a lenghty talk with that resident this week and we came to the agreement that she would learn to cope with stress in other ways.
Fast forward yesterday, she sends me a message telling me that it is not fair that I am presenting less slides than her during an upcoming Powerpoint presentation.
To avoid any drama, I had told her to decide exactly what she wants to present because I did not have any preference.

I am trying extremely hard not to be dismissive and find this childish but this has gotten to a point where she represents the biggest stressor in my residency.
I am trying extremely hard to tell her to stop obessing with me and focusing on her own work because it has become harassing.
I am really not sure about what to do about this.
It's so childish I would never even bring that up to the attention of the PD because it's extremely immature.
Any insights or opinions?

[frenchpress]

43 minutes ago, MeAndMyCoresident said:

Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I'm a third-year Psych resident in Ontario and I came into residency with one goal : complete my training, help my peers and have a balanced life doing so.
I get along with all my co-residents but there is that one specific person that has been overly immature, competitive, insecure and anxious since PGY1.
We are all aware of how she is and it has been bearable because we don't see each other that often.

Some examples : 

• Would complaint about residents not listening to online lectures during a Wellness day ;
• Would complaint about residents not staying until the end of all the question time on Academic Half Days;
• Would call out residents if they pulled out notes when answering a questions when pimped during online lectures;
• Would complaint about a resident leaving rounds earlier because he had to go see his sick dad that was hospitalized in the same hospital;
• Would complaint about fairness if a resident decided to attend a conference during a day she/he is off but the resident did not officially apply for a conference day because that would mean that the resident would not 'loose' a conference day since she/he is already off duty on that said day.

It was bearable since we minimally interacted up until this year.
Our program encourages us to pursue a master's during  our residency and interrupt our training without penalty.
It just so happens that I opted for that option and the only other person that has enrolled in that path is that co-resident.
Therefore, we are doing a master's and have the exact same classes.
She approached me to be her teamate in group projects.
I agreed since we are both psych residents with research interests.
I figured, why not and maybe we will get to know each other. 
Up so far, here are a few of the interactions we've had : 

• Would message me every time I did not show up to a lecture to ask me where I am ;
• Would pimp me if I told her I learn better on my own than in classrooms to test if I actually read the material of the week;
• Would question me once a week about my research project and how it was possible that I was more advanced than her;
• Would ask me to justify where I would be at a specific time when I said I was not available to meet her to work on something;
• Would ask for proof when I told her I felt sick and did not attend an activity.

Now I had a lenghty talk with that resident this week and we came to the agreement that she would learn to cope with stress in other ways.
Fast forward yesterday, she sends me a message telling me that it is not fair that I am presenting less slides than her during an upcoming Powerpoint presentation.
To avoid any drama, I had told her to decide exactly what she wants to present because I did not have any preference.

I am trying extremely hard not to be dismissive and find this childish but this has gotten to a point where she represents the biggest stressor in my residency.
I am trying extremely hard to tell her to stop obessing with me and focusing on her own work because it has become harassing.
I am really not sure about what to do about this.
It's so childish I would never even bring that up to the attention of the PD because it's extremely immature.
Any insights or opinions?

From the limited description you’ve given, my high level advice would be to stop engaging so much with this person.
 

If you’ve already explained to this person what your boundaries are, now you need to enforce them. Tell them you won’t be responding to the constant inquiries, and are only going to check your messages with them at most once a day (of even only several times a week), and only to respond directly to relevant things that actually require a response from you - I.e. directly shared-project related questions. Ignore everything else. If she asks where you are, proof for why you missed class, etc. ignore it. If necessary, you can respond 24 hours later and remind them that you discussed this and it’s none of their business, and that’s why you didn’t respond. Do the same in direct conversation. Think of it as a little forced CBT / exposure therapy - if they can’t get an immediate response to quell their anxiety / OCD personality needs from you, they may have to look elsewhere (or deal with it). 

[Bambi]

This is not just childish, but serious.

I would consider doing whatever is required to remove her as your teammate in group projects.

Also, I would discuss in detail with the PD! This is a huge stressor you did not sign up to. This is also unprofessional on her part. If necessary, block her from all contacts.

 

[Supernintendo Chalmers]

Time to get really good at grey rocking! Just imagine this as another part of your residency training for how to handle difficult patients. You will get patients who ask invasive questions when you are taking vacation/when you can't see them all the time so it's good to get some practice now. Grey rocking is basically being as boring as possible do the person doesn't get anything out of your interactions. This means one word responses and not offering up any additional details. For example, if she asks where you were, you could just say "away" instead of trying to explain. For example, if she complains about things she can't control like if other people listen in lecture, you could just say "okay" and move on. Minimize the attention she gets from complaining about other people. 

Remember, this is your coresident/colleague and not your parent or program director. You don't owe her an explanation for when you aren't in lecture or can't meet a certain time. An "I'm not available" is good enough. Another gentle defense to invasive questions is to ask "why do you ask?". It's also okay to change the subject. If she keeps pushing your boundaries in class, it's okay to tell her you can't work with her anymore. 

You also don't have to prove yourself to her if she tries to pimp you about topics. Depending on your personality, you could consider a few options. I tend to like to deflect with humor, so I would ask a joking question like "OMG are you PIMPING me?!?!", then laugh and change the subject. You could also practice some phrases to try and deflect. "What a weird question to ask - I thought we were just hanging out" "I didn't realize this was an interrogation" "I'm not answering that" "I don't need a test right now thanks"

When she asks for things that are way out of line like proof it's also okay for you to just say no. 

It may be worth working with a therapist yourself on how to solidify some of these approaches if you find this helpful. I understand not wanting to be dismissive but being too accommodating can also be harmful to you and your coresident (who may think this behaviour is acceptable). 

I also disagree that this is childish. It sounds like this is affecting your whole program and definitely sounds like it's stressing you out quite a bit (it's on your mind enough that you're posting on this forum after all!). It would be reasonable to bring things up to the program director in a nonaccusatory way, like "I'm noticing x is doing -insert behaviours here, be as specific as possible, save screenshots if needed-. I have tried to resolve it on my own by doing -a,b,c-. Could you clarify what my responsibilities are to my coresidents? 

[Bambi]

1 hour ago, Supernintendo Chalmers said:

Remember, this is your coresident/colleague and not your parent or program director. You don't owe her an explanation for when you aren't in lecture or can't meet a certain time. An "I'm not available" is good enough. 

When she asks for things that are way out of line like proof it's also okay for you to just say no. 

I also disagree that this is childish. It sounds like this is affecting your whole program and definitely sounds like it's stressing you out quite a bit (it's on your mind enough that you're posting on this forum after all!). It would be reasonable to bring things up to the program director in a nonaccusatory way, like "I'm noticing x is doing -insert behaviours here, be as specific as possible, save screenshots if needed-. I have tried to resolve it on my own by doing -a,b,c-. Could you clarify what my responsibilities are to my coresidents? 

Yes, I agree.

[shikimate]

Awesome suggestions above. If someone asked me where I was and I prefer to be ambiguous, my response would be:

"a land afar, a land not near, a land which my heart holds rather dear"

[Arztin]

Erm... she sounds like a lot of work... and a major energy drain.

Only interact with her only if strictly necessary. Set clear and strict boundaries. Ignore her for the rest. 

Do your project alone or with someone else.

And if needed, don't hesitate to talk to your PD.

 

[anonymouspls]

How are you letting this person walk all over you like this? Im lucky in that all of my co- residents are awesome (rad onc is very small so thank god), but I cant imagine I would allow someone to treat me this way. If this was me I wouldnt even be opening this persons messages, let alone working with them. 
 

Im currently in my offservice year and a couple months ago an internal pgy3 started pimping me on some medicine minutiae, after a few questions I started pimping her on treatment paradigm for NSCLC based on staging. Two can play at that game. We are all supposed to be colleagues!