dr_2020 Posted December 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2007 Could This Happen To You? 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!". Dr. wouldn't submit his name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jochi1543 Posted December 9, 2007 Report Share Posted December 9, 2007 Oh, those were great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted December 9, 2007 Report Share Posted December 9, 2007 haha great post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted December 10, 2007 Report Share Posted December 10, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan008 Posted December 10, 2007 Report Share Posted December 10, 2007 these are all so awesome...i've been laughing for the past hour :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan008 Posted December 10, 2007 Report Share Posted December 10, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted December 10, 2007 Report Share Posted December 10, 2007 ahahah I love that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr. Sarcastic Posted December 11, 2007 Report Share Posted December 11, 2007 --I know everyone is stressed with exams, so I posted the Divorce Letter Joke so that you could at least have a laugh before you bomb the exams.-- Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of! this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed: Rich As H_e_l_l and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan008 Posted December 11, 2007 Report Share Posted December 11, 2007 I like it. Now on to bomb my finals! no wait...that would be a bad thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted December 11, 2007 Report Share Posted December 11, 2007 LOL, 1 more hour 'till human biochem! WHOOO! This one is fitting, for me: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 1, 2008 Report Share Posted January 1, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dil123 Posted January 2, 2008 Report Share Posted January 2, 2008 Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do his PhD. Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cut one of its leg. Then he said "WALK". The cockroach moves forward. Then Banta cut its second leg and commanded "WALK". The cockroach manages to move forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and commanded "WALK". The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on one leg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said "WALK". The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match. Banta is jubiliant, "NOW" says Banta "MY THESIS IS READY" and proceeds to write it. "WHEN YOU CUT FOUR LEGS OF A COCKROACH IT BECOMES DEAF" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solocup Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 Genuine complaint letter: British Humour... Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking, and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,if I continue. I truly thought British Telecom was crap, and they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever,could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 The movie 'The Madness of King George' was originally released in England under the title of 'The Madness of King George III'. The 'III' was dropped for its American release because it was believed that the American moviegoer would believe it to be a sequel, and not go see it because they had never seen The Madness of King George I and II yet. http://www.mcdonalds.com/usa/work/burgeru.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 For geeks: http://www.science-groove.org/Now/Glucose.mp3 http://faculty.washington.edu/crowther/Misc/Songs/MP3/his.mp3 and the site they came from: http://faculty.washington.edu/crowther/Misc/Songs/music.shtml Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 12, 2008 Report Share Posted January 12, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan008 Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 haha...I particularly like the last one. As always Law comes to brighten my day even though it's not Friday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 haha...I particularly like the last one. As always Law comes to brighten my day even though it's not Friday Haha, I'm glad you liked it tanno Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Law Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMmd Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 hahahaha that reminds me of vippy's mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avenir001 Posted January 29, 2008 Report Share Posted January 29, 2008 hahahaha that reminds me of vippy's mom ahhahha she's getting pretty famous ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_2020 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2008 "Doctor, Doctor - Give it to me straight ... how long have I got?" "Ten ... " "Ten months, ten weeks, ten days ... what?" "Nine ... " "Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire" "Necks please" "Doctor, doctor, I could use some good news before the bad news" "We were able to save your left arm." "What's the bad news?" "It's on the table." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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